A – ALT
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 25 Dec 10
There’s no ‘A’ in TEAM.
More like the C+ team. The only ‘A’ in this movie is for Audacity. Or Ass – Jessica Biel’s.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER
Release: Jun 12 – Review: 3 Oct 13
Cutting Bloody Political Comedy.
… about the blood-drinking creatures of the night, the hellish, undead demon-spawn that crave the annihilation of the human species – that’s right, it’s about Republicans.
Release: Feb 97 – Review: 14 Nov 10
Thieves in the Temple.
… the actual “thieves” in our temples are not those robbers in our houses who steal money and jewels – the thieves are in the highest temples of power…
Release: Aug 89 – Review: 11 Jun 11
Underwater Flying Objects.
James Cameron’s parable about humans in an alien environment (at the bottom of the sea) close-encountering aliens in a human environment (here on Earth).
Release: Aug 06 – Review: 2 Jul 07
… it feels as if they’re only appearing in ACCEPTED because, like their characters, they were rejected from parts on other films.
ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE
Release: Feb 94 – Review: 19 Oct 05
When Over-The-Top is Under-Achieving.
Jim Carrey’s second-ever leading role remains a watershed performance of mega-ultra-outré singularity.
ACE VENTURA WHEN NATURE CALLS
Release: Nov 95 – Review: 1 Dec 09
When Nature Calls Through Its Arse.
… bold, brash and bountifully braggadocio as its predecessor; a riotous laugh-a-minute wild kingdom zoo train…
Release: Sep 19 – Review: 2 Jan 2020
In AD ASTRA, Brad Pitt flexes all his other muscles.
… turns an astronaut’s mission to save the Earth into a man’s search for his creator – no, not “God,” you idiots! – his father, while asking the big questions about Life, the Universe and Everything.
ADAM SANDLER: 100% FRESH
Release: Oct 18 – Review: 7 Feb 18
Fresh – if you’re 12.
… Sandler in the vein of his most juvenile roles, his jutting-jawed voice prominently featured, the jokes mostly going nowhere, and many landing totally flat – if it weren’t for the canned laughter.
THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU
Release: Mar 11 – Review: 26 Sep 11
The Unbearable Rightness of Being.
… they’re watching Matt Damon’s every move. And adjusting it. All while wearing bad hats.
ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL
Release: Mar 41 – Review: 13 May 19
The screen’s first super man.
It’s the world’s first superhero movie…
Release: Apr 17 – Review: 22 Apr 20
Misery as Entertainment.
… story of an architect who loses his family in a mid-air collision, due to a distracted air traffic controller, and the revenge the architect wreaks, making two wrongs even wronger.
THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY
Release: 1965 – Review: 19 Oct 05
Masterpiece of a Masterpiece.
Stupendous over-acting from both Rex Harrison and Our Man Charlton is the saving grace of this lavish movie…
AIR FORCE ONE
Release: Jul 97 – Review: 25 Aug 14
Air Force Dumb.
Russians hijack the American President’s plane. Can I have a serving of foregone conclusion with my helping of blockbuster actioner?
ALI G INDAHOUSE
Release: Mar 02 – Review: 13 Dec 09
Big Ups. And Much Sideways.
… an uneven potpourri of throwing everything this character has against the wall and not caring what sticks or not.
Release: May 79 – Review: 18 Jun 13
A Little Extra Extra-Terrestrial.
“In space, no one can hear you scream.” Even so, there’s an awful lot of screaming going on.
Release: May 92 – Review: 15 Dec 16
One Singular Serration…
One maximum security prison planet. One xenomorph extra-terrestrial alien. Let the screaming begin. That no one can hear you doing in space…
Release: May 17 – Review: 20 Jun 17
In space, no one can hear you mandroid.
… a majestic, foaming, throat-rending serpent of a film with concepts that will blow your mind as well as your chest cavity…
Release: Jul 86 – Review: 28 Apr 08
The Warrior/Goddess Dichotomy and the Eternal Feminine.
… a script that bluntly screams “More is Better” – more aliens, more victims, more explosions and incredible amounts of more mucus.
ALL ABOUT STEVE
Release: Sep 09 – Review: 13 Feb 10
These Boots Are Made For Stalkin.’
Mary latches onto a cameraman named Steve, who shuns her motor-mouthed advances. And then nothing happens.
ALL IS LOST
Release: Nov 13 – Review: 22 Jul 15
Man versus Ocean in a battle to the wet.
… an intrepid sailor, adrift on a boundless ocean after his yacht sinks, battling some fresh hell every moment to stay alive.
ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT
Release: Aug 30 – Review: 2 Sep 14
All quiet when it comes to war.
An American production that follows a young German soldier through senseless World War I trenches, it is epic in scope, yet intimate in its emotional impact.
ALL THE KING’S MEN
Release: Sep 06 – Review: 2 Oct 06
..couldn’t put this movie together again.
… exhaustingly dull, despite its quality film-making, stupendous performances and sober messages.
ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN
Release: Apr 76 – Review: 18 Dec 09
Fall of the Imperial Presidency.
Watergate. Conspiracy. Burglary. Perjury. Courtesy of the President of the United States.
ALONG CAME POLLY
Release: Jan 04 – Review: 6 Jun 06
Along Came Seymour.
Hoffman uses his disheveled, pariah character like a wrecking ball on this milky-vanilla story.
Release: Dec 80 – Review: 14 Mar 09
LSD Trip for Intelligentsia.
… two university scientists experimenting on human regression, using an isolation tank and sensational drugs…
ALWAYS BE MY MAYBE
Release: May 19 – Review: 1 Aug 19
Crazy rich and poor Asians.
The cretinous poverty-loving message of ALWAYS BE MY MAYBE outshines its underlying achievements.
AMA – APO
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
Release: Jun 12 – Review: 12 Jul 13
Another good character study cloaked in superhero duds.
With our willing suspension of disbelief, AMAZING SPIDER-MAN amazingly succeeds.
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2
Release: May 14 – Review: 23 Sep 16
… an excellent continuation of the rebooted franchise.
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 12 Feb 10
…she flies, she flies, she dies. The end.
AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM
Release: Jun 06 – Review: 31 Aug 07
Income tax is illegal. It’s not a radical battle cry – it’s the Constitution. Now that you can’t un-know that fact, life is going to get real scary…
Release: Sep 10 – Review: 23 Jan 11
Clooney pulls out his reserved cool for this smart European production, once again helping to heal the image of the ugly American.
Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Jan 08
Crime = glamour. Crime = hotness. Crime = smoothness.
Release: Dec 13 – Review: 6 Feb 14
Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Scum.
Guess what? Politicians are corrupt.
THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT
Release: Nov 95 – Review: 18 Nov 06
A Romantic State of Union.
Douglas effortlessly inhabits the President’s mantle and it is a constant joy to see him imbue this office with a power that we know the real President does not have…
Release: Jan 00 – Review: 25 Apr 08
This comedy is not just black – it’s black with sprinkles on top and a human head on a spike.
Release: Jan 15 – Review: 23 Jan 15
The Sheepdog Cometh.
Clint Eastwood directs Bradley Cooper as AMERICAN SNIPER Chris Kyle in a heroic story about a decidedly unheroic slimeball.
Release: Dec 97 – Review: 30 Oct 09
Re-educating the slaves of perception.
No metaphors, no allegories, no analogies – this is straight up, in-ya-face, naked mea culpa racism for all the world to be ashamed of.
AMY SCHUMER: THE LEATHER SPECIAL
Release: Mar 17 – Review: 9 Jun 17
When self-flagellation is anything but funny.
… she’s bedecked in tight leather from top to toe. And it’s not special. One of her first lines is, “Already regret it.” Us too, Amy.
ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY
Release: Jul 04 – Review: 22 Feb 06
When The Anchorman was Man-Anchor.
… ranks alongside A NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY or WAYNE’S WORLD as a stupid, stupid idea that somehow entertains despite itself.
ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES
Release: Dec 13 – Review: 22 Jul 15
The Corporatization of Dumbification.
… cheeky indictment of the vapid 24-hour news culture and, by association, indictment of all those responsible for perpetuating it – you dummies.
ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON ONE
Release: Apr 10 – Review: 22 May 10
Proving you don’t have to be abducted to be anal probed.
… the latest deformed baby spawned from the boomers who broke their brains on Erich von Däniken’s Chariots of the Gods? book series…
ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON TWO
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 15 Feb 11
Under The Gods.
… still talking about jaguar priests, messenger angels and ancient astronauts as if they really existed…
ANGEL AND THE BADMAN
Release: Feb 47 – Review: 6 Aug 19
Virgin and the Whipped Man.
The world’s cultural shifts since 1947 render this movie not only dated but naïve past the point of Puritan.
ANGEL HAS FALLEN
Release: Aug 19 – Review: 30 Apr 20
Falling down the cliché tree and hitting every branch.
Stellar production values keep ANGEL an enjoyable B-movie chase-fest, explosion-fest, guilty-pleasure fest.
ANGELS & DEMONS
Release: May 09 – Review: 31 Jan 10
…Christians have the temerity to question how “God” can allow bad things to happen. Keep in mind these people use a CRUCIFIXION as their symbol of peace and love.
THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE
Release: May 16 – Review: 30 Jun 16
Angry Birds so Roundy Roundy.
The birds angrily get their eggs back before the pigs can make an omelet. Shakespeare this ain’t.
Release: Feb 18 – Review: 9 Dec 19
Invasion of the fittest.
A military biologist treks to an extra-terrestrial landing site, and discovers that one life form’s expansion means another life form’s annihilation.
Release: Jul 15 – Review: 17 Jul 18
Ants with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!
… a movie with excitement as small as its titular hero.
ANT-MAN AND THE WASP
Release: Jul 18 – Review: 19 Jul 18
… great effects and kinetic action sequences make it a fun diversion. Just don’t expect any tension or even any connection with the characters…
ANTHONY JESELNIK: FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD
Release: Apr 19 – Review: 11 May 20
… Jeselnik is the hero Gotham needs, the slow poison through the IV drip that we deserve.
ANTHONY JESELNIK: THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS
Release: Oct 15 – Review: 10 Nov 15
Offending at the speed of Jeselnik.
… the Alice Cooper of comedy eviscerates a San Francisco audience. When Anthony Jeselnik kills, he really kills.
ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN
Release: Dec 80 – Review: 14 May 08
ANY WHICH WAY is a “Right turn, Clyde!”
There’s nothing deep here; crack a beer, strip down to your wife-beater and just enjoy it.
Release: 1954 – Review: 7 Aug 05
… yet another grandiose insult to the Native American people, pretending in its own racist way to be a tribute.
Release: Dec 06 – Review: 3 Jan 07
An Epic Fable in a Jugular Vein.
… jungle-wild beauty juxtaposed with bestial brutality, exceptionally well-executed. Emphasis on executed.
Release: Jun 95 – Review: 6 Sep 05
The Greatest Successful Failure Of All Time.
… the “failure” of the Apollo 13 lunar mission aided in advancing space-faring dialect and paved the future with skyward momentum…
Release: Sep 11 – Review: 26 Mar 14
… the first true space-horror movie since ALIEN.
AQU – AZI
Release: Dec 18 – Review: 31 Mar 19
Will make you wet.
… this ain’t your daddy’s green and gold sea-man.
Release: May 15 – Review: 7 Sep 15
Some footage should just stay unfound…
… three douchebag high school friends attempt to break into Area 51 and film it.
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 10 Jan 13
The Year of Living Hollywoodly.
Ben Affleck does battle with his beard for top billing as CIA “exfiltration” expert Tony Mendez, trying to extract six American fugitives from Iran…
Release: Jul 98 – Review: 8 Dec 08
Arma Dyin’ Here.
Imagine the worst pain and suffering ever. That’s how it’s gonna feel at the end of the world. Coincidentally, you can feel that exact same pain and suffering by watching Michael Bay’s ARMAGEDDON.
Release: Nov 16 – Review: 24 Dec 16
Mind Encounters of the Close Kind.
… a pondering on communication itself, and how we as a species are so lost in translation amongst ourselves.
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 23 Nov 14
Through an Arrow Greenly.
Man or woman, your groin will hurt watching these pretty people prance. Arrow. Just don’t say Green.
Release: Jul 81 – Review: 9 Dec 11
Little boy booze.
The breezy, boozy tale of a wealthy enabled young man who can’t do without money – until he realizes money can’t buy him what he really can’t do without.
ARTHUR 2: ON THE ROCKS
Release: Jul 88 – Review: 11 May 14
Tiresome sequel to an iconic movie.
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 29 Aug 11
Lost between the Moon and New York City.
“Meet the world’s only lovable billionaire.” Isn’t that the most antagonistic of oxymorons in this economic climate?
ARTISTS AND MODELS
Release: Nov 55 – Review: 23 Aug 18
Comics and comicbooks, cultures and vultures.
Colors scream louder than Jerry Lewis dreaming about Vincent the Vulture, catchy songs and willing dames, snappy writing and vivid characters…
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
Release: Dec 97 – Review: 14 Oct 09
A man-size Jack in a girl-size film.
… is that all this farce was aiming towards? The pabulum of girlfriend/boyfriend-ism?
THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD
Release: Oct 07 – Review: 29 Dec 08
The Shooting of an Olde Worlde Epic by a New World Filmmaker.
… thrusting us bodily into the grimy, wild, paranoid frontier that was romanticized beyond its harsh reality.
ASTRO BOY 2009
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 14 Dec 10
When the cute robots take over the skyways…
… an adult cartoon clothed in tiny metal undies and yeti boots.
AT THE EARTH’S CORE
Release: Jul 76 – Review: 7 Jun 17
Rotten to the Core.
When we were kids, we loved these reptilian creatures and rear-projections that fooled us into believing the monsters and men were in the same scene, but now it’s quite laughable…
AT WAR WITH THE ARMY
Release: Jan 51 – Review: 13 Sep 17
No Laughing Matter.
… most amazing thing about this stagnant yawner is that it launched their film career into the stratosphere.
ATOM MAN VS. SUPERMAN
Release: Jul 50 – Review: 15 Mar 2018
Superman must defeat his greatest arch-enemy, Luthor, and constantly save the only two people in the world, Lois and Jimmy.
AUSTIN POWERS INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY
Release: May 97 – Review: 16 Feb 10
Swinging! Like a man, man!
… part spy spoof, part fish-out-of-water, all Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Release: Nov 08 – Review: 2 Dec 08
Epic Saddlebag Superhero.
… it’s Baz Luhrmann, so it’s gonna be stylish; it’s Nicole Kidman, so it’s gonna be painfully pretty; it’s Hugh Jackman, so it’s gonna be oozing sexual bacon like a piston on powerdrive.
Release: Dec 09 – Review: 1 Jan 10
Electra Glide in Jungle Cat Blue.
Frank Zappa once said, “Writing about music is like tap dancing about architecture.” And there’s no way to describe James Cameron’s AVATAR without a lot of tap dancing.
Release: May 12 – Review: 30 May 12
Shakespearean lightning and thunder arrows, red white and blue shields and golden armor, emerald rage and badass Morpheus longcoat, and Scarlett Johansson’s leather pearbottom.
AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
Release: May 15 – Review: 8 Aug 15
Blammo Brigade finds Intelligence. Artificially.
… not just your same ole blammo-fest with sugarbottom; merely the second movie in the AVENGERS franchise, ULTRON has moved leaps and bounds beyond its predecessor.
Release: Apr 19 – Review: 26 May 19
Deus ex Marvela.
Marvel banked on its stars being good enough actors to elevate what is essentially a kiddie’s superhero movie into a poignant adult movie about loss, family and redemption. And the gamble pays off.
AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR
Release: Apr 18 – Review: 22 Jun 18
The Mundane Magic of Marvel.
… a dichotomy of grand filmmaking underpinning a patchwork quilt of asinine ideas that will, nonetheless, sell one billion dolls.
Release: Dec 04 – Review: 28 Jul 07
That Magnificent Man and His Flying Machines.
A powerful biopic of sex, insanity and aeroplanes. In any order.
AVP: ALIEN VS PREDATOR
Release: Aug 04 – Review: 2 Sep 05
AVP: Audience vs. Padding.
… akin to the nippled Batsuit – a franchise gone too far.
AVPR: ALIENS VS PREDATOR REQUIEM
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 2 Oct 08
Requiem for a Dweeb.
Hundreds of Aliens. One Predator. No actors.
AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW
Release: Jul 19 – Review: 21 Aug 19
Fuck that bitch!
… Aziz either becomes more of a man (in the eyes of women), or more of a woman (in the eyes of men). Let’s let social media decide. Because, surely, we can’t think for ourselves anymore…
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