Alpha-B (113 titles)

Release: May 14 – Review: 1 Nov 16

The Dook of Death.

… old-school horror movie with fresh psychological ambiguity.

Release: Oct 06 – Review: 18 May 07

Babel-icious.

Four stories intertwine, spanning continents, cultures, cityscapes and chicks without panties.

Release: Feb 07 – Review: 1 May 09

Even in Spain, there’s a Deep South.

Shades of STRAW DOGS and dabbles in DELIVERANCE, THE BACKWOODS is an exploration of deep south justice – in Spain.

Release: Apr 95 – Review: 4 Aug 14

When it’s bad being Bad.

… bigger explosions, bigger budgets and bigger phallic thrusts?

Release: Nov 03 – Review: 6 Mar 09

I Didn’t Shit Right For a Week.

So filthy. So disgusting. So irreverent. So funny.

Release: Jun 11 – Review: 12 Dec 11

BAD TEACHER not good.

It’s commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and “ugly,” but BAD TEACHER doesn’t do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly.

Release: Aug 07 – Review: 11 Sep 08

Kung Fu Ping Pong Panda.

BALLS OF FURY is not about ping pong. It’s about Being a Man. It’s about Honor. It’s about uplifting the Human Spirit with – ah, who am I kidding? It IS about ping pong.

Release: Nov 99 – Review: 18 Feb 10

I was a Teenage Hitman.

… brutal mobs, dirty dance clubs, seedy streets, bashings, blood and bullets. And he is deaf and mute. And you thought YOUR teen years were screwed up.

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 14 Feb 10

Bangkok Mildly Threatening.

… not as compelling due to Cage’s powerful hitman not having as much of a crutch to overcome as 1999’s deaf teenager…

Release: May 96 – Review: 21 Apr 06

Livin’ Large on Marketable Melons.

If you’ve seen CASABLANCA, you don’t want to watch this movie. It will bring the pain – knowing that resting on that classic movie’s shoulders, are this movie’s breasts..

Release: Dec 16 – Review: 9 Jan 18

Waking from daddy daydreams.

… the future 44th president of the United States, Barack Obama, landing in New York as a hopeful college student in search of himself. And some ill manky-g.

Release: Jun 89 – Review: 12 May 07

Part Noir, Part Comicbook, All Knight.

…Michael Keaton squeezed his distinctive lip structure into that sacred cowl and surprised everyone to become the Sean Connery of Batmen.

Release: Jul 1943 – Review: 5 Jul 17

The Paunch Knight.

… released just four years into the character’s comicbook adventures. No wonder Batman didn’t have time to get in shape.

Release: May 2022 – Review: 1 Sep 22

Knight’s in Black Battin’.

THE BATMAN is a nitrous fueled noir detective thriller, brimming with fear and darkness and hubris and heroism…

Release: May 49 – Review: 11 Jul 17

Thrills! Mystery! Man-Panty!

Batman Returns! For the first time. And all cloth cosplay breaks loose.

Release: Jun 97 – Review: 10 Sep 05

The Battiest of them all.

Schumacher seemed oblivious on where to draw the line: primary colors shriek in anguish and gobos coruscate like an LSD afternoon delight…

Release: Jun 05 – Review: 2 Aug 05

Dark Knight Reconstructionist Theory.

… if there was one modern legend that needed fixin’, it was the laughable vamp and clamorous camp of Gotham’s fruity caped crusader, the Bat Man. As Michael Caine might opine, “About bloody time!”.

Release: Jun 95 – Review: 25 Mar 10

From Dark Knight to Boogie Knight.

… Val Kilmer is the fruit bat whom we cannot be sure is hero – or victim (of Schumacher).

Release: Jun 92 – Review: 19 Oct 13

The Bat, The Cat and The Fat.

So much potential to be a dramatic noir film, but ending up as willfully camp as the 1960’s series that Burton’s own BATMAN (1989) tried to wipe from our memories.

Release: Sep 12 – Review: 14 Apr 20

A Chinful Of Knight.

DC Comics brings the movie to the screen in powerhouse animation, gunmetal storytelling, and chin for days.

Release: Jan 13 – Review: 19 Apr 20

Should I Bats or should I go?

… concludes the epic journey of Bruce Wayne/Batman in his quest to find a meaning for the death of his parents and his life’s vocation.

Release: Jul 16 – Review: 24 Mar 20

The joke’s on us.

The story is here, word for word, but the rancid cartooning shamefully shits all over the blood and sweat that Moore and Bolland put into their art.

Release: Oct 66 – Review: 2 May 14

Holy jumble! Where’s the hope of the world now?!

…the big screen fintuzula of the mid-60s fruitopia TV series.

Release: Mar 16 – Review: 18 May 16

Dawn of the Golden Age of Superhero Movies.

The Holy Trinity of DC! Superman. Batman. Wonder Woman Wagina. Together on the silver screen at long last. Step outside your social media clique of closeted dipshittery and bear witness!

Release: Mar 11 – Review: 17 Aug 11

Who knew battle could be so boring?

Filled brim to barrel bottom with explosions, running, army jargon, and characters we care about just slightly more than the assholes on JERSEY SHORE.

Release: Feb 08 – Review: 27 Aug 08

Be kind – put this movie out of its misery.

… and then that fake smile kinda freezes on your face after the first few false no-jokes..

Release: 1953 – Review: 28 Jul 05

There Were Giants In Those Days – and Harryhausen was the largest.

… little more than running, screaming and military stock footage to bridge the gaps between monster scenes.

Release: Aug 56 – Review: 13 May 17

Rex Mex.

Cowboys and dinosaurs!

Release: Oct 15 – Review: 22 Nov 15

All Beasts, All Nations.

… allows us to see through the eyes of innocence the insanity of man against man for no apparent reason.

Release: May 11 – Review: 10 Sep 11

Puppetheart.

… it’s cute, it’s furry, it’s got a big mouth and it’s slightly insane – but enough about Mel Gibson.

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 26 Jun 09

Wish it into the Cornfield.

Idiotic and contradictory messages fly at us like fart jokes in a movie bankrupt of ideas…

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 25 Mar 09

Roaring, Rogering, Gorging and Puking… sign me up.

… as quirkily funny as it is quakingly stupid, chock full of pissing, puking, belching, swilling, swearing, skulling, vomiting and giant jugs. Of beer.

Release: Jan 18 – Review: 31 Jan 19

When dreams come true – run!

A couple discovers their adopted 7-year-old boy has dreams that become real. Which means his nightmares do too…

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 27 Jan 09

Doing the business on the family business.

Walking a fine line between pulp noir and terrifying reality, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD succeeds on its tortured performances…

Release: May 71 – Review: 28 Aug 11

… like a woman scorned. And another… and another… and another.

Clint Eastwood fights for his life behind enemy lines! Yes, he’s trapped in a school full of women!

Release: Sep 99 – Review: 17 Jun 06

The Importance Of Being Malkovich.

For originality alone, it deserves the highest accolades. Like its eponymous subject matter, it is inexplicable and indefinable.

Release: Jul 60 – Review: 12 Jan 19

Catching Charlie.

… fulfills all the roles that Charlie used to fill in his movies: writer, director, producer, editor, star. And SILENT.

Release: Apr 06 – Review: 6 Sep 13

Man-ginas Assemble!

… turns America’s Favorite Pastime into America’s Favorite Asstime.

Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Jan 08

So Close… Yet So Beowulf.

… definitely extraordinary – in one sense. And definitely mediocre in all others….

Release: Mar 20 – Review: 21 Mar 20

Not wearing big boy pants.

He’s fat, half naked and not that funny.

Release: Mar 16 – Review: 24 Jan 17

Beware the Stupidman.

… not sure whether it wants to be a documentary about two Wisconsin girls attempting murder, or a horror movie about a creature that might be real.

Release: Dec 17 – Review: 17 Sep 19

As told from the cattle’s point of view…

… an existential threat, dumbed down to punching and lasers.

Release: Sep 83 – Review: 6 Nov 05

Nostalgia Comes Cold-Calling.

… lord help us all if we didn’t relate to these 1980-something characters, with their yuppie elitism and consumerist élan…

Release: Jun 99 – Review: 5 Aug 06

Daddy Stupidest.

At its worst, it stoops to asinine scripting and punchlining gays – and there’s that Rob Schneider thing.

Release: Jan 09 – Review: 7 Aug 10

Drama is Easy, Comedy is Hard.

I’m no fan of Patton Oswalt as a comedian. But what a remarkable dramatic actor!

Release: Mar 98 – Review: 12 Jun 11

The Book of Duderonemy.

Jeff Bridges brings a breezy effortlessness to The Dude that is the heart, soul and hash pipe of this culture-gasm…

Release: Sep 96 – Review: 18 Apr 17

Thought for Food.

… poignant, funny story of two Italian brothers risking it all on one feast that might save their failing Italian restaurant.

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 14 Jun 14

Big Foot In Mouth.

Greg Brady and Danny Partridge face off in a battle over BIGFOOT!

Release: Nov 13 – Review: 25 Nov 13

Far From Funny.

Cosby simply spends his time railing about his kids annoying him and the emasculation of himself in his marriage. Heard it 30 years ago, Bill.

Release: 1992 – Review: 28 Apr 20

Today, a young man on acid…

… his disdain of all things that Satan is responsible for: religion, sex in advertising, the Supreme Court, rock stars who sell out, the stupidity and avarice of politicians, and women who don’t like giving blowjobs.

Release: Feb 95 – Review: 21 Jul 07

For Moron Eyes Only.

…Adam Sandler, playing the eponymous Billy Madison with every ounce of talent the christian god forgot to give him.

Release: Dec 18 – Review: 16 Apr 19

What You Don’t See… sure can bird you.

BIRD BOX is the movie M. Night Shyamalan tried to make with THE HAPPENING.

Release: Nov 14 – Review: 5 Dec 14

The Birdman Flyeth Higheth.

…if not a game-changer, one of those films that comes along once in a long while that rattles the cages of cinema.

Release: Mar 1915 – Review: 16 Feb 10

The Bitch Of A Nation.

Nearly a century after its release it stands today on the horns of a grand dichotomy: that of being a pioneering film – and a racist piece of shit.

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 6 Feb 12

Melancholia all over ya.

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s gritty film … will take you to another level of wrist-slash.

Release: Sep 15 – Review: 24 Sep 15

In the Name of da Fahder, da Son, and da Hollywood Spirit…

… aims to pinpoint the people and motivations behind the matrix of collusion that rose up in South Boston in the late ’70s, with Whitey Bulger at its hub.

Release: Jan 15 – Review: 23 Sep 15

Kevin Or Costner.

… if everyone else is an eagle, Kevin Costner is the International Space Station. We cannot wrench our eyes from his onscreen presence.

Release: Feb 18 – Review: 20 May 18

Black EmPantherment.

So begins the tale of Marvel’s greatest superhero – Special Effects.

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 31 Mar 07

Soft-Porn Groan.

If you really want a porno, watch a porno. Yet pornography (albeit heavily diluted) is this film’s only selling point…

Release: Dec 10 – Review: 13 Sep 12

Swan Quake.

… not only an edgy psychodrama, it actually makes ballet watchable!

Release: Aug 18 – Review: 25 Sep 18

Afro-Con Ameri-Klan.

… the story of Ron Stallworth, a black undercover cop in the ‘70s, infiltrating the Ku Klux Klan.

Release: Jun 82 – Review: 20 Mar 20

Incompetent Killer of Incompetent Killers.

He’s a BLADE RUNNER. He hunts Replicants – robots that resemble humans. And he’s terrible at his job.

Release: Oct 17 – Review: 28 Mar 20

I’m too sexy for my existential crisis.

He’s a BLADE RUNNER in 2049. And he’s a Replicant – a robot that resembles humans. And he hunts older-model Replicants that are not as gorgeous as him.

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 15 Jul 10

On thin ice.

How much gayer can BLADES OF GLORY possibly be? Answer: None more gay.

Release: Sep 16 – Review: 21 Jul 22

True Horror: no originality!

As predictable and irritating as you imagine it to be…

Release: Jul 99 – Review: 18 Dec 14

True Horror: no budget!

… made the world realize that you didn’t need the 50 million dollar budget and the craft services and the trailers and stylists, or even stars – just a load of creativity, resourcefulness and big balls.

Release: Mar 16 – Review: 11 Oct 19

Bleedin’ ‘orrible.

… trying to squeeze in as many horror movie tropes as possible, to make his debut feature film easy to pitch to investors…

Release: Sep 58 – Review: 18 Sep 11

The Teen Squad Jam Sandwich.

… could have been a truly terrifying thriller, rather than a breezy cult novelty, as the formless, mindless eponymous entity is never explained.

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 15 Mar 11

Looking Good.

… unflinchingly explores the ramifications of how humans would deal with the worldwide loss of sight – like a pack of animals. Any surprise?

Release: Dec 06 – Review: 24 Jan 07

A Rough in the Diamond.

… supposedly an indictment against this black market bingo, I doubt Leo’s goatee, Jennifer’s teats or Djimon’s mandingo will influence real world buyers into only purchasing “conflict-free” gems.

Release: Aug 02 – Review: 11 Mar 10

Anemic Harry.

If Dirty Harry was a heart transplant patient.

Release: Jul 80 – Review: 6 Sep 10

Tarzan II: Electric Boogaloo.

… cannot possibly deliver on any level that would satisfy (oh, don’t say ‘satisfy’!) its target audience of 15-year-old boys with unbidden rock hard… imaginations.

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 12 Sep 09

Pants on Fire!

… all it takes is two hunky Americans to put it past the towelheads and almost win the War on Terror.

Release: Dec 65 – Review: 13 Sep 08

Laughing all the way to the skank.

A sex-comedy with no sex and very little comedy.

Release: Nov 18 – Review: 18 Nov 18

The Good, The Bad and the Freddie.

… the only viewers In The Lap Of The Gods will be non-Queen fans, who will get a slick confused taste of misplaced majesty, while the truest fans remain The Loser In The End.

Release: Nov 08 – Review: 27 Jun 09

O.D. on QT.

If cuteness ever becomes a sin, this movie is going straight to hell.

Release: Jan 10 – Review: 9 Feb 10

When Gunslingers Get Religion.

In a surprising display of controlled storytelling by Gary Whitta, THE BOOK OF ELI is about religion – but it ain’t religious.

Release: Oct 00 – Review: 14 Jul 22

True Horror: no acting!

… where truly the most horrifying thing – is the acting.

Release: Jan 00 – Review: 8 May 11

In nomine Peckinpah, et spiritus Tarantino.

… two Irish Boston prettyboys go vigilante vocation on the Russian mob, all broguey justice and hero angles.

Release: Nov 06 – Review: 11 Dec 06

For Make Laugh on Jew and Retard.

Never has been a movie exposing more people so red of neck or so mong of loid.

Release: Oct 20 – Review: 17 Mar 21

For Make Benefit of US&A.

You fuck with democracy – Borat gonna choke a bitch.

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 5 Jan 11

Apathy on the Bounty.

She hates him. He hates her. They drive each other crazy… Of COURSE they get back together; it’s a White American Romantic Comedy.

Release: Jun 02 – Review: 23 Feb 09

Bourne To Do It.

Batman and Steven Segal had a baby, and his name is Jason Bourne. At least, he thinks that’s his name.

Release: Aug 12 – Review: 1 Sep 16

The Bourne Non-Identity.

… a story about what was done to make Jason Bourne what he is, and how it affects a B-Lister. Like we care.

Release: Jul 04 – Review: 16 Mar 09

Bourne Again.

… like tripping down a flight of stairs, getting up and tripping again.

Release: Aug 07 – Review: 16 Mar 09

Badass Bourne becomes Mild Matty.

Another karate chop to the Spock Nerve, another car chase through crowded streets with no liability insurance, another amoral superspy whining over his lost humanity…

Release: Nov 09 – Review: 15 Mar 10

Filmmaking Outside The Box.

DONNIE DARKO meets INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS..

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 29 Mar 18

A White House impossibly stupider than W’s.

… execrable piece of dogshit that tries to pass itself off as a TV sequel…

Release: Feb 95 – Review: 1 Jun 17

Brady Bunchless.

… from the groovin’ 70s, transplanted into the grungy 90s. Plot lost. Actors shamed. Comedy dead.

Release: Jun 18 – Review: 28 Jul 18

Mind Over Mind.

… journalist Susannah Cahalan’s battle against Anti-NMDA-Receptor AutoImmune Encephalitis; when your body’s immune system attacks your brain!

Release: Nov 92 – Review: 8 Jan 11

Delicious – with a hint of sour Keanu.

… Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN’T.

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 9 Nov 13

That hair! That hair! That hair!… What story?

… Princess Merida is graced with ravenous lava locks so visually titillating it distracts viewers into lauding the movie as a modern classic. You lost me at soft porn cartoon.

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 13 Sep 08

Sexy Bronson.

… not compelling enough to stand as tall as DEATH WISH.

Release: May 95 – Review: 17 Mar 11

Mel gets medieval on our asses.

Mel Gibson brings the thunder as revolutionary Scotsman William Wallace, historical figure made mythical mantoy…

Release: Feb 07 – Review: 29 Apr 08

Scapegoat for a far more evil government.

George W. Bush’s and Dick Cheney’s Amerika offers absolutely zero moral high ground to crow about OTHER people selling secrets to enemies.

Release: Feb 85 – Review: 4 Jan 09

The Neo Maxi Zoom Dweeby of Teen Angst.

It’s TWELVE ANGRY MEN in detention with hormones.

Release: Jan 08 – Review: 8 Jan 15

Another Fine Meth You’ve Gotten Us Into, Yo!

BREAKING BAD is about a man who finds his balls.

Release: Apr 14 – Review: 13 Mar 15

Brick-headed, flat-footed, Paul Walkered.

Another plodding American remake of a blast furnace European film.

Release: May 11 – Review: 21 Jan 11

Marriage of heaven and hell.

… advertised as being a Chick Flick version of SUPERBAD. Nope. It’s just super bad.

Release: Dec 17 – Review: 25 May 18

Starting bright, ending dim.

… written as if J.R.R. Tolkien lived in modern-day Los Angeles, with its gun culture and gangland crime and racism and fairies.

Release: Dec 05 – Review: 19 Jan 06

Brokeback Mountin’: a true American Love Story (formulaic, cliched and dull).

THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES meets The Gays of Our Lives…

Release: Dec 09 – Review: 6 Dec 10

Broham Interruptus.

Don’t you just hate it when your brother goes off to war and he supposedly gets killed, and you start putting the moves on his wife, and then he comes back? Don’t you just hate that?!

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 15 Aug 09

Social Commentary with a Depilated Sphincter.

Exactly like BORAT, only gayer.

Release: Jan 08 – Review: 19 Sep 08

Kicking it Old School.

Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson go on a green screen tour of the world.

Release: Feb 13 – Review: 26 Jul 13

Bullets On The Brain.

… claws for a foothold amongst ’80’s mismatched buddy pics. And slips off, banging its head on lack of chemistry.

Release: Jun 11 – Review: 11 Jan 23

I Tawt I Taw A Puddy Twat.

… six abysmal actors on a road trip are stalked and killed by a guy wearing a cute bunny suit. Good.

Release: Oct 12 – Review: 27 Apr 14

Gruesome, gory, and oh so cute.

… in the tradition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), except the skin-mask has been replaced by a bunny head. And really, really bad acting.

Release: Aug 17 – Review: 21 Jan 23

Hare-Brained.

It’s not just a bunny mindlessly roaming the American Midwest chainsawing people anymore – it’s a bunny with issues.

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 31 Jan 12

Grave Trouble.

One actor, one location, one goal: get me the hell outa here!

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 24 Feb 09

Guy Ritchie without the Two Smoking Barrels.

At times funny, at times frenetic, at times foolish, BURN AFTER READING is mostly a lost opportunity with a great ensemble cast.

Release: May 07 – Review: 23 May 08

Bury the Truth at Wounded Knee.

… yet another White-Perspective slur-fest that dishonors that wild race with every bigoted frame.

Release: Jan 04 – Review: 13 Apr 06

The Teen Model Effect.

… based on chaos theory in the same way that Achy Breaky Heart is based on Bohemian Rhapsody.

Release: Jan 17 – Review: 2 Oct 19

Horror? Buh-bye.

… from some urban legend that doesn’t want to commit to any clear mythology.