BAB – BEY
Release: May 14 – Review: 1 Nov 16
The Dook of Death.
… old-school horror movie with fresh psychological ambiguity.
Release: Oct 06 – Review: 18 May 07
Four stories intertwine, spanning continents, cultures, cityscapes and chicks without panties.
Release: Feb 07 – Review: 1 May 09
Even in Spain, there’s a Deep South.
Shades of STRAW DOGS and dabbles in DELIVERANCE, THE BACKWOODS is an exploration of deep south justice – in Spain.
Release: Apr 95 – Review: 4 Aug 14
When it’s bad being Bad.
… bigger explosions, bigger budgets and bigger phallic thrusts?
Release: Nov 03 – Review: 6 Mar 09
I Didn’t Shit Right For a Week.
So filthy. So disgusting. So irreverent. So funny.
Release: Jun 11 – Review: 12 Dec 11
BAD TEACHER not good.
It’s commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and “ugly,” but BAD TEACHER doesn’t do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly.
BALLS OF FURY
Release: Aug 07 – Review: 11 Sep 08
Kung Fu Ping Pong Panda.
BALLS OF FURY is not about ping pong. It’s about Being a Man. It’s about Honor. It’s about uplifting the Human Spirit with – ah, who am I kidding? It IS about ping pong.
Release: Nov 99 – Review: 18 Feb 10
I was a Teenage Hitman.
… brutal mobs, dirty dance clubs, seedy streets, bashings, blood and bullets. And he is deaf and mute. And you thought YOUR teen years were screwed up.
BANGKOK DANGEROUS 2008
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 14 Feb 10
Bangkok Mildly Threatening.
… not as compelling due to Cage’s powerful hitman not having as much of a crutch to overcome as 1999’s deaf teenager…
Release: May 96 – Review: 21 Apr 06
Livin’ Large on Marketable Melons.
If you’ve seen CASABLANCA, you don’t want to watch this movie. It will bring the pain – knowing that resting on that classic movie’s shoulders, are this movie’s breasts..
Release: Dec 16 – Review: 9 Jan 18
Waking from daddy daydreams.
… the future 44th president of the United States, Barack Obama, landing in New York as a hopeful college student in search of himself. And some ill manky-g.
Release: Jun 89 – Review: 12 May 07
Part Noir, Part Comicbook, All Knight.
…Michael Keaton squeezed his distinctive lip structure into that sacred cowl and surprised everyone to become the Sean Connery of Batmen.
Release: Jul 1943 – Review: 5 Jul 17
The Paunch Knight.
… released just four years into the character’s comicbook adventures. No wonder Batman didn’t have time to get in shape.
BATMAN AND ROBIN 1949
Release: May 49 – Review: 11 Jul 17
Thrills! Mystery! Man-Panty!
Batman Returns! For the first time. And all cloth cosplay breaks loose.
BATMAN AND ROBIN
Release: Jun 97 – Review: 10 Sep 05
The Battiest of them all.
Schumacher seemed oblivious on where to draw the line: primary colors shriek in anguish and gobos coruscate like an LSD afternoon delight…
Release: Jun 05 – Review: 2 Aug 05
Dark Knight Reconstructionist Theory.
… if there was one modern legend that needed fixin’, it was the laughable vamp and clamorous camp of Gotham’s fruity caped crusader, the Bat Man. As Michael Caine might opine, “About bloody time!”.
Release: Jun 95 – Review: 25 Mar 10
From Dark Knight to Boogie Knight.
… Val Kilmer is the fruit bat whom we cannot be sure is hero – or victim (of Schumacher).
Release: Jun 92 – Review: 19 Oct 13
The Bat, The Cat and The Fat.
So much potential to be a dramatic noir film, but ending up as willfully camp as the 1960’s series that Burton’s own BATMAN (1989) tried to wipe from our memories.
BATMAN: THE MOVIE
Release: Oct 66 – Review: 2 May 14
Holy jumble! Where’s the hope of the world now?!
…the big screen fintuzula of the mid-60s fruitopia TV series.
BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE
Release: Mar 16 – Review: 18 May 16
Dawn of the Golden Age of Superhero Movies.
The Holy Trinity of DC! Superman. Batman. Wonder Woman Wagina. Together on the silver screen at long last. Step outside your social media clique of closeted dipshittery and bear witness!
BATTLE LOS ANGELES
Release: Mar 11 – Review: 17 Aug 11
Who knew battle could be so boring?
Filled brim to barrel bottom with explosions, running, army jargon, and characters we care about just slightly more than the assholes on JERSEY SHORE.
BE KIND REWIND
Release: Feb 08 – Review: 27 Aug 08
Be kind – put this movie out of its misery.
… and then that fake smile kinda freezes on your face after the first few false no-jokes..
THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS
Release: 1953 – Review: 28 Jul 05
There Were Giants In Those Days – and Harryhausen was the largest.
… little more than running, screaming and military stock footage to bridge the gaps between monster scenes.
THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN
Release: Aug 56 – Review: 13 May 17
Cowboys and dinosaurs!
BEASTS OF NO NATION
Release: Oct 15 – Review: 22 Nov 15
All Beasts, All Nations.
… allows us to see through the eyes of innocence the insanity of man against man for no apparent reason.
Release: May 11 – Review: 10 Sep 11
… it’s cute, it’s furry, it’s got a big mouth and it’s slightly insane – but enough about Mel Gibson.
Release: Dec 08 – Review: 26 Jun 09
Wish it into the Cornfield.
Idiotic and contradictory messages fly at us like fart jokes in a movie bankrupt of ideas…
Release: Aug 06 – Review: 25 Mar 09
Roaring, Rogering, Gorging and Puking… sign me up.
… as quirkily funny as it is quakingly stupid, chock full of pissing, puking, belching, swilling, swearing, skulling, vomiting and giant jugs. Of beer.
BEFORE I WAKE
Release: Jan 18 – Review: 31 Jan 19
When dreams come true – run!
A couple discovers their adopted 7-year-old boy has dreams that become real. Which means his nightmares do too…
BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD
Release: Sep 07 – Review: 27 Jan 09
Doing the business on the family business.
Walking a fine line between pulp noir and terrifying reality, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD succeeds on its tortured performances…
Release: May 71 – Review: 28 Aug 11
… like a woman scorned. And another… and another… and another.
Clint Eastwood fights for his life behind enemy lines! Yes, he’s trapped in a school full of women!
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
Release: Sep 99 – Review: 17 Jun 06
The Importance Of Being Malkovich.
For originality alone, it deserves the highest accolades. Like its eponymous subject matter, it is inexplicable and indefinable.
Release: Jul 60 – Review: 12 Jan 19
… fulfills all the roles that Charlie used to fill in his movies: writer, director, producer, editor, star. And SILENT.
Release: Apr 06 – Review: 6 Sep 13
… turns America’s Favorite Pastime into America’s Favorite Asstime.
Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Jan 08
So Close… Yet So Beowulf.
… definitely extraordinary – in one sense. And definitely mediocre in all others….
BEWARE THE SLENDERMAN
Release: Mar 16 – Review: 24 Jan 17
Beware the Stupidman.
… not sure whether it wants to be a documentary about two Wisconsin girls attempting murder, or a horror movie about a creature that might be real.
Release: Dec 17 – Review: 17 Sep 19
As told from the cattle’s point of view…
… an existential threat, dumbed down to punching and lasers.
BIG – BOR
THE BIG CHILL
Release: Sep 83 – Review: 6 Nov 05
Nostalgia Comes Cold-Calling.
… lord help us all if we didn’t relate to these 1980-something characters, with their yuppie elitism and consumerist élan…
Release: Jun 99 – Review: 5 Aug 06
At its worst, it stoops to asinine scripting and punchlining gays – and there’s that Rob Schneider thing.
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 7 Aug 10
Drama is Easy, Comedy is Hard.
I’m no fan of Patton Oswalt as a comedian. But what a remarkable dramatic actor!
THE BIG LEBOWSKI
Release: Mar 98 – Review: 12 Jun 11
The Book of Duderonemy.
Jeff Bridges brings a breezy effortlessness to The Dude that is the heart, soul and hash pipe of this culture-gasm…
Release: Sep 96 – Review: 18 Apr 17
Thought for Food.
… poignant, funny story of two Italian brothers risking it all on one feast that might save their failing Italian restaurant.
Release: Jun 12 – Review: 14 Jun 14
Big Foot In Mouth.
Greg Brady and Danny Partridge face off in a battle over BIGFOOT!
BILL COSBY: FAR FROM FINISHED
Release: Nov 13 – Review: 25 Nov 13
Far From Funny.
Cosby simply spends his time railing about his kids annoying him and the emasculation of himself in his marriage. Heard it 30 years ago, Bill.
Release: Feb 95 – Review: 21 Jul 07
For Moron Eyes Only.
…Adam Sandler, playing the eponymous Billy Madison with every ounce of talent the christian god forgot to give him.
Release: Dec 18 – Review: 16 Apr 19
What You Don’t See… sure can bird you.
BIRD BOX is the movie M. Night Shyamalan tried to make with THE HAPPENING.
Release: Nov 14 – Review: 5 Dec 14
The Birdman Flyeth Higheth.
…if not a game-changer, one of those films that comes along once in a long while that rattles the cages of cinema.
THE BIRTH OF A NATION
Release: Mar 1915 – Review: 16 Feb 10
The Bitch Of A Nation.
Nearly a century after its release it stands today on the horns of a grand dichotomy: that of being a pioneering film – and a racist piece of shit.
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 6 Feb 12
Melancholia all over ya.
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s gritty film … will take you to another level of wrist-slash.
Release: Sep 15 – Review: 24 Sep 15
In the Name of da Fahder, da Son, and da Hollywood Spirit…
… aims to pinpoint the people and motivations behind the matrix of collusion that rose up in South Boston in the late ’70s, with Whitey Bulger at its hub.
BLACK OR WHITE
Release: Jan 15 – Review: 23 Sep 15
Kevin Or Costner.
… if everyone else is an eagle, Kevin Costner is the International Space Station. We cannot wrench our eyes from his onscreen presence.
Release: Feb 18 – Review: 20 May 18
So begins the tale of Marvel’s greatest superhero – Special Effects.
BLACK SNAKE MOAN
Release: Mar 07 – Review: 31 Mar 07
If you really want a porno, watch a porno. Yet pornography (albeit heavily diluted) is this film’s only selling point…
Release: Dec 10 – Review: 13 Sep 12
… not only an edgy psychodrama, it actually makes ballet watchable!
Release: Aug 18 – Review: 25 Sep 18
… the story of Ron Stallworth, a black undercover cop in the ‘70s, infiltrating the Ku Klux Klan.
BLADES OF GLORY
Release: Mar 07 – Review: 15 Jul 10
On thin ice.
How much gayer can BLADES OF GLORY possibly be? Answer: None more gay.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
Release: Jul 99 – Review: 18 Dec 14
True Horror: no budget!
… made the world realize that you didn’t need the 50 million dollar budget and the craft services and the trailers and stylists, or even stars – just a load of creativity, resourcefulness and big balls.
Release: Mar 16 – Review: 11 Oct 19
… trying to squeeze in as many horror movie tropes as possible, to make his debut feature film easy to pitch to investors…
Release: Sep 58 – Review: 18 Sep 11
The Teen Squad Jam Sandwich.
… could have been a truly terrifying thriller, rather than a breezy cult novelty, as the formless, mindless eponymous entity is never explained.
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 15 Mar 11
… unflinchingly explores the ramifications of how humans would deal with the worldwide loss of sight – like a pack of animals. Any surprise?
Release: Dec 06 – Review: 24 Jan 07
A Rough in the Diamond.
… supposedly an indictment against this black market bingo, I doubt Leo’s goatee, Jennifer’s teats or Djimon’s mandingo will influence real world buyers into only purchasing “conflict-free” gems.
Release: Aug 02 – Review: 11 Mar 10
If Dirty Harry was a heart transplant patient.
Release: Jul 80 – Review: 6 Sep 10
Tarzan II: Electric Boogaloo.
… cannot possibly deliver on any level that would satisfy (oh, don’t say ‘satisfy’!) its target audience of 15-year-old boys with unbidden rock hard… imaginations.
BODY OF LIES
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 12 Sep 09
Pants on Fire!
… all it takes is two hunky Americans to put it past the towelheads and almost win the War on Terror.
Release: Dec 65 – Review: 13 Sep 08
Laughing all the way to the skank.
A sex-comedy with no sex and very little comedy.
Release: Nov 18 – Review: 18 Nov 18
The Good, The Bad and the Freddie.
… the only viewers In The Lap Of The Gods will be non-Queen fans, who will get a slick confused taste of misplaced majesty, while the truest fans remain The Loser In The End.
Release: Nov 08 – Review: 27 Jun 09
O.D. on QT.
If cuteness ever becomes a sin, this movie is going straight to hell.
THE BOOK OF ELI
Release: Jan 10 – Review: 9 Feb 10
When Gunslingers Get Religion.
In a surprising display of controlled storytelling by Gary Whitta, THE BOOK OF ELI is about religion – but it ain’t religious.
THE BOONDOCK SAINTS
Release: Jan 00 – Review: 8 May 11
In nomine Peckinpah, et spiritus Tarantino.
… two Irish Boston prettyboys go vigilante vocation on the Russian mob, all broguey justice and hero angles.
BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
Release: Nov 06 – Review: 11 Dec 06
For Make Laugh on Jew and Retard.
Never has been a movie exposing more people so red of neck or so mong of loid.
BOU – BUT
THE BOUNTY HUNTER
Release: Mar 10 – Review: 5 Jan 11
Apathy on the Bounty.
She hates him. He hates her. They drive each other crazy… Of COURSE they get back together; it’s a White American Romantic Comedy.
THE BOURNE IDENTITY
Release: Jun 02 – Review: 23 Feb 09
Bourne To Do It.
Batman and Steven Segal had a baby, and his name is Jason Bourne. At least, he thinks that’s his name.
THE BOURNE LEGACY
Release: Aug 12 – Review: 1 Sep 16
The Bourne Non-Identity.
… a story about what was done to make Jason Bourne what he is, and how it affects a B-Lister. Like we care.
THE BOURNE SUPREMACY
Release: Jul 04 – Review: 16 Mar 09
… like tripping down a flight of stairs, getting up and tripping again.
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM
Release: Aug 07 – Review: 16 Mar 09
Badass Bourne becomes Mild Matty.
Another karate chop to the Spock Nerve, another car chase through crowded streets with no liability insurance, another amoral superspy whining over his lost humanity…
Release: Nov 09 – Review: 15 Mar 10
Filmmaking Outside The Box.
DONNIE DARKO meets INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS..
THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE
Release: Nov 02 – Review: 29 Mar 18
A White House impossibly stupider than W’s.
… execrable piece of dogshit that tries to pass itself off as a TV sequel…
THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE
Release: Feb 95 – Review: 1 Jun 17
… from the groovin’ 70s, transplanted into the grungy 90s. Plot lost. Actors shamed. Comedy dead.
BRAIN ON FIRE
Release: Jun 18 – Review: 28 Jul 18
Mind Over Mind.
… journalist Susannah Cahalan’s battle against Anti-NMDA-Receptor AutoImmune Encephalitis; when your body’s immune system attacks your brain!
BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA
Release: Nov 92 – Review: 8 Jan 11
Delicious – with a hint of sour Keanu.
… Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN’T.
Release: Jun 12 – Review: 9 Nov 13
That hair! That hair! That hair!… What story?
… Princess Merida is graced with ravenous lava locks so visually titillating it distracts viewers into lauding the movie as a modern classic. You lost me at soft porn cartoon.
THE BRAVE ONE
Release: Sep 07 – Review: 13 Sep 08
… not compelling enough to stand as tall as DEATH WISH.
Release: May 95 – Review: 17 Mar 11
Mel gets medieval on our asses.
Mel Gibson brings the thunder as revolutionary Scotsman William Wallace, historical figure made mythical mantoy…
Release: Feb 07 – Review: 29 Apr 08
Scapegoat for a far more evil government.
George W. Bush’s and Dick Cheney’s Amerika offers absolutely zero moral high ground to crow about OTHER people selling secrets to enemies.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB
Release: Feb 85 – Review: 4 Jan 09
The Neo Maxi Zoom Dweeby of Teen Angst.
It’s TWELVE ANGRY MEN in detention with hormones.
BREAKING BAD SEASON ONE
Release: Jan 08 – Review: 8 Jan 15
Another Fine Meth You’ve Gotten Us Into, Yo!
BREAKING BAD is about a man who finds his balls.
Release: Apr 14 – Review: 13 Mar 15
Brick-headed, flat-footed, Paul Walkered.
Another plodding American remake of a blast furnace European film.
Release: May 11 – Review: 21 Jan 11
Marriage of heaven and hell.
… advertised as being a Chick Flick version of SUPERBAD. Nope. It’s just super bad.
Release: Dec 17 – Review: 25 May 18
Starting bright, ending dim.
… written as if J.R.R. Tolkien lived in modern-day Los Angeles, with its gun culture and gangland crime and racism and fairies.
Release: Dec 05 – Review: 19 Jan 06
Brokeback Mountin’: a true American Love Story (formulaic, cliched and dull).
THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES meets The Gays of Our Lives…
Release: Dec 09 – Review: 6 Dec 10
Don’t you just hate it when your brother goes off to war and he supposedly gets killed, and you start putting the moves on his wife, and then he comes back? Don’t you just hate that?!
Release: Jul 09 – Review: 15 Aug 09
Social Commentary with a Depilated Sphincter.
Exactly like BORAT, only gayer.
Release: Jan 08 – Review: 19 Sep 08
Kicking it Old School.
Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson go on a green screen tour of the world.
BULLET TO THE HEAD
Release: Feb 13 – Review: 26 Jul 13
Bullets On The Brain.
… claws for a foothold amongst ’80’s mismatched buddy pics. And slips off, banging its head on lack of chemistry.
THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 27 Apr 14
Gruesome, gory, and oh so cute.
… in the grand tradition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), except the skin-mask has been replaced by a bunny head. And really, really bad acting.
Release: Sep 10 – Review: 31 Jan 12
One actor, one location, one goal: get me the hell outa here!
BURN AFTER READING
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 24 Feb 09
Guy Ritchie without the Two Smoking Barrels.
At times funny, at times frenetic, at times foolish, BURN AFTER READING is mostly a lost opportunity with a great ensemble cast.
BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE
Release: May 07 – Review: 23 May 08
Bury the Truth at Wounded Knee.
… yet another White-Perspective slur-fest that dishonors that wild race with every bigoted frame.
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
Release: Jan 04 – Review: 13 Apr 06
The Teen Model Effect.
… based on chaos theory in the same way that Achy Breaky Heart is based on Bohemian Rhapsody.
THE BYE BYE MAN
Release: Jan 17 – Review: 2 Oct 19
… from some urban legend that doesn’t want to commit to any clear mythology.