CAB – CHI
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
Release: Apr 12 – Review: 29 Jul 13
A Hip New Reason for Tired Old Slayings.
… about four painfully pretty college kids (and one Shaggy) being slasher-slain by zombies at said cabin.
THE CABLE GUY
Release: Jun 96 – Review: 10 Apr 04
Cable for Nothin’ and your Guilt for Free.
… misunderstood by critics and panned by mongoloid fans who only wanted more Ace to sit on their face…
Release: Aug 53 – Review: 19 Sep 17
The Gulf between Golf and Guff.
A talented golfer and his equally-talented yet disruptive caddy enter golfing tournaments and end up in comedy. Kinda like Tiger Woods.
Release: Jul 80 – Review: 13 Nov 10
No follow through.
Yes, I know CADDYSHACK has entered the vernacular as a comedy classic, but it’s about as boring as watching golf.
CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC
Release: Jun 80 – Review: 26 Jul 14
Please Stop The Music.
… did anyone take aside the manager of the Village People and say, “Uh, don’t.”?
Release: Oct 92 – Review: 6 Apr 20
Bad movie with a good hook.
Say it five times into a mirror and Candyman appears to kill you. Unless you’re Virginia Madsen.
CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 11 Sep 10
Too Big to Nail.
A step towards putting these crooks away would be for laypeople to stop using the term “white collar crime” as if it means Shit-Don’t-Stink.
Release: Sep 05 – Review: 2 Apr 07
The movie about the book about the murders.
Published in 1965, this revolutionary book would make Capote the most famous writer in America. And it would suck his soul bone dry.
Release: 1978 – Review: 4 Oct 05
Idiotic fodder for Moon Landing conspiracy theorist idiots.
Conspiracy Theorists must have thrown a week-long booze-up when this movie hit cinemas…
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1944
Release: Feb 44 – Review: 17 Aug 18
Oh Captain, Why Captain?
… not the same red, white and blue Avenger from Marvel Comics who socked Hitler on the jaw.
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1990
Release: Dec 90 – Review: 15 May 19
Shield us from this movie!
They tried to fix Captain America in 1990. And failed a third time.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
Release: May 16 – Review: 14 Aug 16
Captain America: Bromance War.
Captain America versus Iron Man in a battle to the bromosexual.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
Release: Jul 11 – Review: 18 Nov 11
Red, White and Boob.
The red, white and blue avenger, in the best comicbook movie of the decade – and by that I mean, it’s lightweight and predictable and aimed at twelve-year-olds.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
Release: Apr 14 – Review: 5 May 14
Flying High on Red White and Hooey.
… while despotic oligarchy comes waving the flag of democracy, Captain America returns to punch things.
Release: Nov 11 – Review: 7 May 14
Two couples whose sons were involved in a school fight meet to discuss how to deal with their sons. And fight.
Release: Nov 76 – Review: 20 Sep 15
Unholiest, Bloodiest, Blondest.
Startling gouts of life-giving/death-dealing blood. And in between – menstruation, high school, and religious dementia. A true horror movie.
Release: Nov 02 – Review: 19 Sep 15
Snoozefest in Red.
… TV movie remake of the 1976 Brian De Palma feature film, from the Stephen King novel of the same name. And it shows.
Release: Oct 13 – Review: 22 Sep 15
Rebooted and Reblonded.
The classic Stephen King novel is remade for a new generation of bullied hot girls.
Release: Nov 42 – Review: 17 Apr 10
We’ll Always Have Overacting.
… a talky cardboard romance thriller, with overacting threatening to send us into a melodramatic swoon…
Release: Mar 10 – Review: 31 May 14
Where Ethics meets Greed – and Greed wins.
An enjoyable thriller about a suitcase of cash being found by a young couple. And the young couple being found by the owner of the suitcase.
CASINO ROYALE 1954
Release: Oct 54 – Review: 30 Jun 21
Watch for academic reasons only. With this Bond, nobody does it worser.
CASINO ROYALE 2006
Release: Nov 06 – Review: 8 May 07
Old Spy, New World, Tight Arse.
International espionage will never be the same. It is now certifiably MAN-HOT.
Release: May 95 – Review: 20 May 17
He’s the friendliest ghost you know. No, not Patrick Swayze – Casper, The Friendly Ghost.
Release: Dec 00 – Review: 20 Oct 05
A Breath Of Fresh Island Air.
Chuck discovers the basics of survival with a learning curve so slow we would not be criticized in questioning his mental aptitude. But he’s not retarded, he’s just modern.
Release: Jul 04 – Review: 22 Nov 05
Sensually clobbering bad guys and good guys alike, in her quest to beat out Debi Diamond as the World’s Biggest Whore…
THE CHALLENGER DISASTER
Release: Nov 13 – Review: 30 Nov 13
Hubris Greed Politics vs. Genius.
Indepth chronicle of Dr. Richard Feynman’s investigation into the Space Shuttle Challenger’s 1986 explosion.
Release: Aug 11 – Review: 10 Dec 11
Another change-up, another plage-up.
… from the venal plagiarists in the Hollywood Cookie Cutter Industrial Complex who have the audacity to call themselves writers.
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 6 May 09
A Child of Conspiracy.
CHANGELING is based on a true story, but I think it’s fiction. I mean, come on – Angelina Jolie with only ONE child?
Release: Mar 80 – Review: 11 Oct 10
Haunting in Every Way.
Here you will find all the classic ingredients that went into the best horror stories that ever made you brown your pants as a kid.
Release: Dec 92 – Review: 12 Apr 11
The Man, The Myth, The Trousers.
Robert Downey Jr. runs around like a madman, knocks things over and falls down a lot. And in CHAPLIN, he gets to do all that without being arrested…
Release: Mar 15 – Review: 13 Apr 15
Slumdog versus Wolverine in REAL STEEL 2: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BOOGALOO.
… science fiction about to turn the corner into science fact.
CHARIOTS OF FIRE
Release: Oct 81 – Review: 7 Nov 09
The Race Between Religion and Spirit.
… two real life British runners in the 1924 Paris Olympics, who run for very different reasons – one against the reality of racism, one for the non-reality of religionism.
CHARIOTS OF THE GODS
Release: Apr 70 – Review: 4 Aug 14
Of The Clods…
Long before Giorgio’s ANCIENT ALIENS, just before Leonard Nimoy’s IN SEARCH OF…, there was Erich von Daniken’s jam-packed movie from the compelling 1968 book of the same name,
CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 22 Nov 08
Owned By His Own War.
… before George W. Bush lost 190,000 guns in Iraq – there was Tom Hanks, selling weapons to the Mujahideen.
CHARLIE’S ANGEL FULL THROTTLE
Release: Jun 03 – Review: Dec 04
Too much style IS a bad thing.
… heroines for an arse-tattooed generation of over-fed, class-less, prepubescent, poorly-educated future streetwalkers?
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN
Release: Dec 03 – Review: 7 Nov 05
Children Of The Damned.
When Ashton Kutcher is the funniest thing in your movie, it’s time to re-assess everything you hold dear.
Release: Jun 00 – Review: 28 Nov 10
Eggs over easy.
THE GREAT ESCAPE meets KFC.
CHILDREN OF MEN
Release: Dec 06 – Review: 16 Feb 07
Brave New Future Shocker.
There is something in CHILDREN OF MEN to offend almost everyone – which is why it is so powerful. It fears no one.
CHR – COR
CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER AND BLACKER
Release: Jul 99 – Review: 8 Feb 14
The Biggest and Blackest!
… Rock paces like a jungle cat, spitting like a raptor, his lexicon that of the mean streets, shotgunning his social commentary like an American prophet.
CHRIS ROCK: BRING THE PAIN
Release: Jun 96 – Review: 30 Sep 15
The Shotgun Monologues.
… the type of truthful, harrowing street comedy that breaks barriers and makes superstars.
CHRIS ROCK: NEVER SCARED
Release: Apr 04 – Review: 27 Aug 13
Fearless and Peerless.
A touch of Cosby, a sprinkle of Pryor – and a slam of Rock.
CHRIS ROCK: TAMBORINE
Release: Feb 18 – Review: 27 Feb 18
Bang the Tamborine Slowly…
The interim since his last Special has robbed him of some electric youth and vitality, not least through the hard life lessons learned in a divorce…
CHRIS TUCKER LIVE
Release: Jul 15 – Review: 19 Jul 15
Falling Down While Standing Up.
Chris Tucker regales us with the type of comedy that would be heckled unforgivingly in smaller clubs.
THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES
Release: Nov 18 – Review: 18 Jan 20
Even Kurt Klaus kan’t save kristmas.
… it’s getting harder and harder to polish these christmas turds, as screenwriters must deal with children who every year get more and more sophisticated.
CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS
Release: Nov 04 – Review: 25 Dec 09
Dreaming of a Fight Christmas.
… about selfishness, viciousness, hypocrisy and homogeneity – you know, the true spirit of Christmas.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
Release: Dec 05 – Review: 15 Aug 09
The Lyin,’ The Snitch and the Whored Road.
Four bloodless, pasty-white British kids on an adventure in a magical wardrobe.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN
Release: May 08 – Review: 8 Feb 10
The Chronic Kills of Narnia: Prince Hasbeen.
… nothing more than battle after battle, broken up by boring slow passages where people whine about Aslan the Lion not being around.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER
Release: Dec 10 – Review: 21 Dec 13
Moulage of the Ripe Cheddar.
… where characters we care not one whit for embark on a journey we have absolute zero interest in.
Release: Oct 15 – Review: 25 Apr 20
Not for squares.
… that rare pitch that immediately inspires provocative thought: 1 location, 50 people, each dying one at a time.
Release: Jan 28 – Review: 2 Nov 17
Character Balancing Act.
The Little Tramp joins THE CIRCUS.
Release: Mar 31 – Review: 17 Oct 11
To be a Saint in the City.
… Chaplin’s now-customary clockwork staging of inventive sight gags played with the energy of machete-ing through a jungle.
A CIVIL ACTION
Release: Jan 99 – Review: 26 Dec 10
Justice IS blind – so can’t see Truth.
… good or bad has nothing to do with the outcome of court cases. It’s how you play the game. If you can afford to be in the game in the first place.
CLASH OF THE TITANS
Release: Jun 81 – Review: 2 Sep 14
Greek mythology explodes in Harryhausen splendor!
CLASH OF THE TITANS 2010
Release: Apr 10 – Review: 21 Nov 10
Hash of the Titans.
Liam Neeson and Sam Worthington try to out-act special effects. Fail. 16-year-old boys rejoice.
Release: Mar 91 – Review: 1 Feb 11
Class with a capital L.
… all the unrealistic courtroom shouting and eleventh-hour reveals, but our attention is more focused on the drama between the father and daughter attorneys on opposing sides of the case.
THE CLIMATE REALITY PROJECT
Release: Sep 11 – Review: 16 Sep 11
The Krypton Syndrome.
… Al Gore talks up a storm. About storms. And droughts. And melting ice caps, and raging fires; the global climate shift…
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 19 Jul 13
Cloudy with a chance of Atlas.
… six incredibly evocative movies mashed together to make one incredibly annoying one.
Release: Jan 08 – Review: 16 Sep 08
BLAIR WITCH meets GODZILLA meets YouTube.
After all the mundanity of a monster knocking over buildings, they dial it down to the level of boring chick-rescue movie.
Release: Mar 15 – Review: 9 Feb 17
These Boots are Made for Transmogrifying.
… a parable of what it might feel like “walking a mile in another man’s shoes.” If that man was Adam Sandler. Uh-oh.
COBRA KAI SEASON ONE
Release: May 18 – Review: 5 Mar 21
Beating us Beautifully with Moral Ambiguity.
… proving old rivalries never die, they just get and sexier and dorkier.
COBRA KAI SEASON FOUR
Release: Dec 21 – Review: 22 Mar 22
The UnMotivation of Terry Silver.
… would still be a solid 7-star series, if it weren’t for Terry Silver’s non-compelling presence informing the main plot points, and creating adversity where there can easily be none.
Release: Nov 09 – Review: 26 Mar 10
A darker journey than ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND and a blacker comedy than BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, COLD SOULS is a disturbing, unique gem of a movie.
COLIN QUINN: UNCONSTITUTIONAL
Release: Feb 15 – Review: 15 Sep 15
Colin Quinn flexes his brain bone – and incites Americans to flex theirs – in this refreshingly intelligent take on the U.S. constitution.
COME ON GET HAPPY: THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY STORY
Release: Nov 99 – Review: 7 Feb 09
The Trials of Talent, The Farce of Fame (oh, spare me!).
A travesty at best; at worst, some form of mild brain damage.
Release: Jun 97 – Review: 26 Apr 08
Just Another Con.
… lots and lots and lots and lots of Pretty Orange Explosions and guys diving in slow motion while shooting big guns…
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
Release: May 82 – Review: 3 Jul 11
Save a Barbaric Yawp for me.
… padded to the trapezius with trekking across deserts, religious cult rites, faux-philosophy around campfires and Arnold posing.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN 2011
Release: Aug 11 – Review: 19 Dec 11
Muscles, magic, tits and blood.
… Momoa perfectly embodies Robert E. Howard’s fictional medieval warrior, muscles thrumming, brain on standby, dick locked in the upright position.
CONAN THE DESTROYER
Release: Jun 84 – Review: 27 Sep 16
Adventure on Steroids (i.e. too musclebound to move).
… lots of horrendous acting and baby sword fighting make it worth watching if you are in the mood for a riotous comedy.
Release: Jul 13 – Review: 4 Jul 19
Paradise by the Jump-Scare Light.
Clichéd Haunted Houses Monthly awarded THE CONJURING its highest honor: “Best Movie With A Middle-American Family Moving Into An Obvious Haunted House Where Murders Were Committed.”
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 12 Sep 12
The SYSTEM is the Conspiracy!
… the men representing justice are more fanatical, bloodthirsty and conspiratorial than the conspirators they are sending up the river…
Release: Feb 05 – Review: 21 Apr 06
Directed by Music Video Director to the Sluts, Francis Lawrence (Britney, Janet, J-Lo), the roaring beauty of this movie is tempered by its dangerous stupidities.
Release: Jul 97 – Review: 31 Oct 05
Buried within The Message from Vega – The Message from Sagan.
… a more intelligent vision of extra-terrestrial communication with our outer-spiral-arm planet.
CONVERSATIONS WITH A KILLER: THE TED BUNDY TAPES
Release: Jan 19 – Review: 10 Jun 19
Extremely Wickedly Good.
… a well-produced documentary about the serial killer who was as pretty as the asses of the 20-year-old girls he sunk his teeth into.
Release: Feb 09 – Review: 14 Feb 09
Alice in Wonderland meets Alice Cooper.
This movie scared the pants off me. Which in turn, scared young children and women with small hips, as I walked out of the theater, pantless.
Release: Mar 03 – Review: 14 Aug 05
Was the “science consultant” on this movie an actual scientist or a guy that read too many comicbooks?
COS – CYR
Release: Sep 80 – Review: 20 Jul 11
The real Encyclopaedia Galactica.
… Sagan bringing together strands of philosophy, sociology and science into a fascinating wrecking ball of entertaining intellectualism.
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 25 Mar 14
COSMOS Lite for the generation of attention-deficit gamesters.
… new knowledge gleaned from scientific experiment over the last 34 years since the debut of Carl Sagan’s turtleneck in COSMOS 1980.
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 25 Mar 14
COSMOS continues treading H2O.
COSMOS 2014 has a lot to live up to. And it lives up to… some.
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 1 Apr 14
… 2014 “reboot” to Carl Sagan’s 1980 momument, COSMOS.
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 20 Mar 10
… dull excursion into the high maintenance of couplehood.
Release: Jul 96 – Review: 21 Apr 11
Gutless Under Cliché.
… in which universe will America ever make a movie where a Medal of Honor is investigated and NOT awarded?
Release: Jul 11 – Review: 17 Dec 11
A shallow ripple in the Force.
Is COWBOYS AND ALIENS a boring western movie, or a clichéd alien invasion movie?
Release: Sep 06 – Review: 13 Sep 06
Super stylish. Super amped. Super shallow.
Release: Feb 10 – Review: 10 Jul 11
Crazy like a pox.
… the usual romp of jump-scares and gross-out killings and people with makeup that looks like a KFC factory exploded on their faces…
Release: Feb 10 – Review: 28 Nov 10
The Dude Abides.
Unlike Jeff Lebowski, Bad Blake is slightly older, slightly more talented, and slightly more confused.
Release: Sep 09 – Review: 16 Jan 11
And Darwin said, “Let there be light!” And there was light!
The battle between Good (intelligence) and Evil (the church) is ramped up when Charles Darwin arrives at the epiphany that evolution is driven by natural selection…
Release: Mar 54 – Review: 27 Dec 12
Monsters as men and chicks as objects.
How dare any Americans laugh at Japanese GODZILLA movies after creating this wild piece of trash cinema?
Release: Nov 15 – Review: 26 Dec 15
Sylvester Stallone takes on the role that made Burgess Meredith famous – cantankerous old fart who trains a contender.
Release: Nov 18 – Review: 28 Dec 18
Flying High Now… Well, leveling off…
… the bastard child of ROCKY, ROCKY II and ROCKY IV. Beat for beat, Creed for Creed, Drago for Drago.
Release: 1964 – Review: 18 Nov 05
Don’t Fear The Creeper.
… would have remained in its Z-Movie graveyard were it not for the notoriety it achieved via its skewering on MST 3K.
Release: Oct 89 – Review: 15 Sep 14
Comedy is easy, getting murdered is easier.
Finding yourself – even if you find you’re a murderer – is the best discovery of all. Sunshine, orchestra swell, tears…
Release: Oct 04 – Review: 21 Jul 08
Innocent Until Proven Guilty Pleasure.
… the twisty storyline in CRIMINAL comes at you via a night-stick to the back of the knees.
Release: Sep 86 – Review: 20 May 06
From Barbecued Shrimps to New York Pimps and Boyfriend Wimps.
… refreshing enough in its simplicity and sincerity to garner itself a little shelf life in the Tarzan pantheon.
Release: May 88 – Review: 13 Aug 06
A Crock of Croc.
CROCODILE DUNDEE II takes all that was good about the original and, like most sequels, ignores it.
Release: Apr 01 – Review: 25 Jun 10
Jumping the croc.
After Steve Irwin redefined the term Crocodile Hunter to mean conservationist and all-round noyce goy, Paul Hogan’s seedy crocodile poacher character became irrelevant.
Release: Jul 02 – Review: 12 Aug 07
Madman Across the Water.
The plot is quite irrelevant, as it is Steve’s animal magnetism that propels the film.
Release: Mara 13 – Review: 9 Oct 14
Crood. Rhymes with Good.
… once it starts paying off, it bonks us over the head like a caveman scoring his mate.
Release: Nov 95 – Review: 6 Dec 09
Redemption: always in the last place you look.
What a brilliant little gem of a movie! An emotional wallop to the weeping nerve.
Release: Nov 87 – Review: 9 May 11
Slaving for Freedom.
Another man of peace killed by men of ignorance.
Release: Feb 87 – Review: 8 May 17
Big Mistake Afoot.
… the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious.
Release: Dec 08 – Review: 17 Aug 09
Youth is wasted on the Pitt.
… like FORREST GUMP for opposite-aging freaks.
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 19 Dec 10
Hell hath no fury like an Oedipal Complex scorned.
Jonah Hill hasn’t been taking his Oedipal Complex pills!