Alpha-D (97 titles)

Release: May 06 – Review: 6 Jun 06

The Gospel According To Fluke.

THE DA VINCI CODE – for all its touting of “shaking the foundations of Christianity”- is just not all that compelling.

Release: Dec 15 – Review: 7 Jan 15

Alpha versus Alfalfa.

Milquetoast step-dad versus alpha-male real dad. In a battle to the PG-13 reconciliation.

Release: Oct 07 – Review: 2 Jan 09

Dan in Reel Life.

… it’s a waiting game for the Meet Cute. When it happens, men will run outside and vomit. It’s that egregious.

Release: Oct 00 – Review: 21 Apr 09

A Director Dancing With Himself…

… so much to offer as a drama – and keeps putting its foot in the puddle of Dumb Musical.

Release: Sep 11 – Review: 14 May 14

A Lecherous Method.

… turns what could be a grand journey into the minds of two extraordinary psychoanalysts (Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud) into angling at puss.

Release: Feb 97 – Review: 12 Aug 10

Goldeneye meets Thunderball.

If VOLCANO was the fun fun fun volcano movie of 1997, DANTE’S PEAK was its serious big brother. That doesn’t stop it being unintentionally funny.

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 13 Sep 08

Do not go gentle into that good knight…

If Batman is the untamed world, The Joker is the unbalanced world. THE DARK KNIGHT tells us humanity lives somewhere in between.

Release: Jul 12 – Review: 20 Mar 14

Darkest Knight.

The Batman is tired. His wealth has been lost, he’s got a busted knee, at his age he’s probably got Low-T, and fey Eames from INCEPTION is kicking his ass.

Release: Dec 17 – Review: 10 May 18

Fight For Your Right – to Dunkirk!

Oldman does Churchill! The greatest actor of our generation plays the greatest orator of the greatest generation.

Release: Aug 90 – Review: 14 Jan 15

Liam Neeson’s first encounter with the dark side… of acting!

Back before Sam Raimi knew how to direct, and before Liam Neeson knew how to act…

Release: Jun 17 – Review: 2 Aug 19

Terrifying Inadequacy.

Three 20-somethings explore a decrepit house and die from ghosts.

Release: Sep 81 – Review: 13 May 10

The Reich Stuff.

No debate, no discussion, no contenders – DAS BOOT is THE submarine movie for the ages.

Release: Apr 10 – Review: 1 Dec 10

A night to (kinda) remember.

… crooked cops, pervert attorneys, car chases, robberies, mobsters… and Marky Mark with his shirt off.

Release: May 1993 – Review: 18 Feb 06

Electile Dysfunction.

… tries to illustrate what any politician can do if he were to unselfishly actually serve his country instead of himself. Refrain: “We Can Dream, Can’t We?”

Release: Jun 20 – Review: 22 Jun 20

The Number of the Beast.

Dave Chappelle vents on the death of George Floyd and the re-fuel of a movement.

Release: Mar 17 – Review: 17 Apr 17

Dave: Swoll.0

He IS Dave Chappelle, the Legend. He looks more spry, more youthful – or is he just less stoned?

Release: Aug 19 – Review: 20 Sep 19

Breaking Bones.

Dave Chappelle calls the world a bunch of sniveling whiners, and the world shouts back, outraged, “YES WE ARE!”

Release: Mar 17 – Review: 11 Apr 17

The Original Angster.

Comedy icon Dave Chappelle returns to the standup arena after a decade, to prove he’s everything that the legends say he is.

Release: Feb 17 – Review: 13 Mar 17

Art Imitating Life Imitating Irony.

David Brent takes his self-financed band out on the road, for one last stab at making it. But, as one character laments, “he doesn’t really know what ‘it’ is.”

Release: May 79 – Review: 8 Nov 09

Die! And don’t come back!

… no excuse for DAWN OF THE DEAD to exist. Like its subject matter, it is a stinking corpse – yet it still walks.

Release: Jul 14 – Review: 21 Sep 14

This is the Dawning of the Age of A-Hairy-Ass…

How embarrassing! Conquered by people who don’t wear pants.

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 11 Jun 11

The Message Within.

… old-school cartooning at its best; not just the expressive, hilarious drawings, but the ideas behind them – and within them!

Release: Sep 51 – Review: 14 Dec 08

The Film that Moved the Earth.

We never find out “how” Klaatu makes the Earth stand still, but we figure it has something to do with him being wicked at algebra.

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 20 Dec 08

The Day Keanu’s Face Muscles Stood Still.

Keanu Reeves elevates his One Facial Expression Method to new levels of expressionlessness in this wooden remake of the 1951 film.

Release: Jan 10 – Review: 31 Mar 14

I vont tu harvest yor blud.

… new and interesting twists to vampire canon, however the merely adequate filmmaking and production values leave us nothing to sink our teeth into.

Release: Feb 16 – Review: 16 Dec 16

Grabbing Them By The Pussy.

… an electrodes-to-the-testicles, projectile-vomiting king slut of a film.

Release: Nov 96 – Review: 4 Jul 10

Dear God! Make it stop!

Dear God, What foul transgression did humankind perpetrate to deserve this accursed movie?

Release: Feb 10 – Review: 17 Sep 12

Dear John, I never want to see you again.

Army guy, Brick Rockchest (Channing Tatum, champion mumbler) meets beach chick Blondie Cocktease (Amanda Seyfried) and they bore us to death on talk dates.

Release: Aug 17 – Review: 24 Oct 19

Justice, Tween Dream Style.

… a commentary on trying to do the right thing and not being able to, no matter your moral compass. In another respect – look at that goofy demon!

Release: Oct 07 – Review: 25 Nov 08

So bad it’s scary.

Writer-director-DP-editor, Sean Tretta, tries sincerely to make a scary movie, with ominous music, morbid concepts, old-fashioned scares (rather than CGI) – but mainly by keeping all the lights off.

Release: Apr 75 – Review: 20 Jun 14

Disco Death.

David Carradine can always claim that he once beat up Rocky! Grasshopper versus Balboa in a battle to the ketchup.

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 29 Dec 07

Sizzling Bacon.

… delivers a thematic punch often subsumed by this politically-gutless American society. By that I mean, in 2007 no one is willing to say out loud that revenge is sweet.

Release: Dec 20 – Review: 25 Jan 21

Like telling 9-11 jokes on 9-12.

… an uncomfortable mix of bad history and worse comedy.

Release: Jul 74 – Review: 24 Nov 10

Bronson’s HARRY.

My one question to the muggers of New York City: Why would you pick on someone who looks like Charles Bronson?!

Release: Feb 82 – Review: 29 Nov 10

Wish it wasn’t.

Charles Bronson returns as vigilante Paul Kersey in DEATH WISH II. And we wish he hadn’t.

Release: Nov 85 – Review: 22 Apr 14

The Ambiguously Gay Gangland Mardi Gras Killings.

The funniest thing about DEATH WISH 3 is not its sincere attempt at storyline, nor its childish attempts at action-movie dynamism – it’s the street thugs who look like extras from a Pat Benatar video.

Release: Nov 87 – Review: 23 Apr 14

From duds to merely dull.

DEATH WISH 4 surprises us by actually getting close to a plot!

Release: Jan 94 – Review: 17 Sep 17

The Face of Retirement.

We know the budget is low, but it looks like they’re just printing the first take where Bronson reads all the words on the page correctly.

Release: Nov 07 – Review: 4 Feb 09

Dying is Easy, Scriptwriting is Hard.

They keep killing him because… well, this is where the illogic starts bleeding through the fabric of the writer’s nice blood-red cardigan.

Release: Nov 06 – 24 Dec 09

Ferris Bueller’s Slay Off.

… about selfishness, envy, assault, infantile bickering and malice aforethought. That’s right – it’s about Christmas.

Release: Aug 89 – Review: 30 Jan 12

The Rise of Aquanetted Civilization: The Ladyboy Years.

… Spheeris turns up the volume in her definitive chronicle of the hedonistic 1980’s Southern Californian rock scene.

Release: May 98 – Review: 21 Apr 08

Deep Hurting.

A meteor discovered by Frodo is speeding towards Earth and not even Bruce Willis can stop it!

Release: Apr 74 – Review: 20 Jul 14

Slammin’ Jammin’.

… will live on as one of the legendary displays of musical virtuosity and ferocity.

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 29 Oct 12

In Rock Gods We Trust.

The Classic Albums series showcases the seminal 1972 Deep Purple juggernaut, Machine Head.

Release: Jun 72 – 9 Nov 22

Porno Politico.

To think that The Washington Post adopted the name knowing it meant “blowjob” is still astounding!

Release: Jan 09 – Review: 25 Aug 09

In defiance of stereotypes.

… the image of the war Jew has been Auschwitz victims, sunken faces, long woolen overcoats, crumpled hats, queuing for gas chambers. DEFIANCE gives us sexyboys with machine guns, muscles and mojo.

Release: Jul 57 – Review: 11 Oct 18

The Kid Flies Solo!

In his first movie without Dean Martin…

Release: Oct 17 – 5 Mar 19

Next Stop: Unoriginality Central.

… DEMONIC has a devil of a time coming up with anything original.

Release: Jun 14 – Review: 13 Jun 14

The Comedian Formerly Known As Dennis Miller.

… Miller is now using his intelligence to – ironically – rail against intelligence.

Release: Oct 06 – Review: 5 Nov 06

Martin Scorcese’s Badfellas.

… a tour de force of gritty production, tightly-wound storyline, sneeringly salty language and flame-throwing acting chops.

Release: Nov 05 – Review: 18 Dec 05

Hitchcock Lite Meets Noir-ish Dark.

… a product of its times and is rife with “twists”, though is woven artfully enough so that even if you see the groaners coming, they hit note-perfect anyway…

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 9 Oct 09

Six Chicks Go Down.

… distressing, disturbing and uncomfortable in all the wrong ways that make it so right.

Release: Jul 10 – Review: 28 Jan 11

The Cute Face of Evil.

Supercute, superfluffy and superevil…

Release: Jul 13 – Review: 12 Dec 16

Ain’t Quite Despicable. And that’s not good. Is it?…

… stock love story seems tailor-made in a screenplay factory on a minion conveyor belt.

Release: Aug 68 – Review: 20 Mar 18

Destroy All Credibility!

… legendary GOJIRA director Ishiro Honda, Just Doesn’t Give A Fuck anymore.

Release: Aug 99 – Review: 11 Aug 11

God of Blunder.

… a quaint enough road trip Psycho Circus with a few good gags, poorly executed – yet the whole exercise is about two decades too late.

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 9 Jan 11

Fun as sharp as pointy horns.

… well-directed, elegantly-screenplayed thriller, about five people trapped in a skyscraper elevator. One of them is the devil. [Bwohaha ha ha haaaaa!]

Release: Aug 11 – Review: 21 Mar 12

Bismillah! Nooo! We will not let you go!

In a star-making turn, Cooper plays Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday, and the body-double that Uday blackmails into his service, Latif Yahia. And they BOTH look like Freddie Mercury!

Release: Dec 71 – 16 May 20

Stupid is as James Bond does.

… one of those movies where you can’t get over the stupid!

Release: May 12 – Review: 25 Jan 14

For To Make Democratize in America.

… satire on the American perception of democracy. He really has a handle on how far to poke into the redneck chest.

Release: Nov 02 – 21 Apr 20

Diamonds are endeavor.

A megalomaniac designs a satellite to harness the sun’s power. And James Bond is there to rain on his parade.

Release: Jun 88 – Review: 15 Apr 09

An Action Hero is Born Hard.

You know that irritating cliche: “rip-roaring rollercoaster ride”? Invented here: DIE HARD. The original and best.

Release: Jul 90 – Review: 1 May 14

Die Lamer.

… throw cliché after cliché into this stunt action boy’s movie and hope that director Renny Harlin keeps the shooting and explosions loud enough for us not to notice.

Release: Jan 11 – Review: 24 Nov 11

Bromantic dramedy with a medieval aftertaste.

… a man sees his best friend’s wife secretly having an affair, in the half-comedy, half-drama, all-indecisive THE DILEMMA.

Release: Jul 10 – Review: 21 Mar 11

Movie for Schmucks.

Steve Carell is a schmuck. And in DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS, Steve Carell is a schmuck…

Release: Aug 14 – Review: 31 Dec 15

Queen of the Tyrant Lizards.

A Tyrannosaur named Sue. A government doing the same thing.

Release: Mar 22 – Review: 18 Jan 23

A Dark In The Rainbow.

There had to be a tribute like this for the man that epitomized ‘heavy metal vocals.’

Release: Mar 19 – Review: 17 Apr 19

THE DIRT – is a load of CRAP!

… this movie, supposedly based on the book, is simply Crüe Untrüe.

Release: Jun 67 – Review: 2 Sep 14

Cleanup on Aisle Dirty.

Explosive, action-packed, funny and filthy, THE DIRTY DOZEN is the best Boy’s Movie of the millennium!

Release: Dec 71 – Review: 25 Oct 10

Justice is DIRTY.

And a screen icon is scarred onto the face of filmdom. And the Earth is once again salted with the man-nectar of masculinity.

Release: Dec 17 – Review: 1 Jan 18

The best movie ever made about the worst movie ever made.

… a good film about the making of the bad film THE ROOM.

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 22 Aug 09

A Closer Encounter.

Like the deformed child of a documentary and a reality show; a psychodrama with a tongue-in-ass-cheek sense of black humor.

Release: Nov 04 – Review: 17 Feb 15

Run, jump, drive, shoot. Foot to the face. Popcorn.

… hardly about plot or acting or subtlety. It is created solely to explode at the seams in sweat-drenched tracksuit pants.

Release: Feb 09 – Review: 24 Feb 15

We’ll Always Have Banlieue.

Paris is burning. And only Parkour can save it.

Release: Apr 07 – Review: 27 Oct 08

Rear End Window.

Alfred Hitchcock’s REAR WINDOW for Teen Models.

Release: Dec 12 – Review: 2 May 13

Once Upon a Black Time in the White West.

Quentin Tarantino once again punches history in the face and rewrites the underdog as the alpha dog in DJANGO UNCHAINED. And says nigger a lot.

Release: Jul 91 – Review: 14 May 06

Sufferin’ Surgeons!

The disdain that the black hole vortex of the medical profession affords us non-medical civilians cannot be assuaged by this shallow fantasy…

Release: Nov 16 – Review: 22 Jun 17

Doctoral Architectural Procedural.

If you like architectural special effects, DOCTOR STRANGE is the movie for YOU.

Release: Jun 04 – Review: 15 Nov 05

Dodgeball Grabs Its Nuts By The Balls.

… has more going for it than just hot chicks and scrotum jokes.

Release: Apr 18 – Review: 10 Sep 14

Lady and the Tramp.

… a tenuous link between a female mutt fending for herself on the streets and his Little Tramp character fending for himself on the streets.

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 6 Mar 10

The mind of Stephen King is a terrible thing to waste.

… another great Stephen King story wasted onto the small screen.

Release: Oct 19 – Review: 1 Mar 20

Black Wiseau.

… a mix of Mario Van Peebles’s BAADASSSSS! (we encounter all the tribulations of the independent black filmmaker), meeting James Franco’s THE DISASTER ARTIST (a good movie about the making of a bad movie).

Release: Sep 13 – Review: 22 Aug 14

Long Don Johnson.

At its heart, DON JON is a love story. But then, isn’t all porn?

Release: Jul 16 – Review: 8 Nov 17

Double-thinking the clever-clever.

… six fast friends chasing the dream together in an improv comedy troupe, giving their all to make it. And then – one of them does. Uh-oh.

Release: Oct 01 – Review: 17 Nov 09

Darkness is as Darko does…

… will quietly enmesh you in its intrigue, spiraling to a morbid climax where nothing makes sense – until everything makes sense. Or not.

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 18 Apr 09

Sinfully Good.

… a writhing serpent of accusation and denial, strident hypocrisy, sexual frustration and lurid innuendo. Yes, it’s about Catholics.

Release: Oct 62 – Review: 20 Sep 14

Vote No on NO.

Back when chicks were called dames and phones were giant blocks of plastic that couldn’t play Angry Birds, the world’s greatest super spy was birthed…

Release: Feb 1931 – Review: 8 May 08

Evil’s Fruity Face.

… a mediocre 1931 movie, but the concept of the undead, blood-craving supernatural demon is so mythically instilled in the planet’s – ahem – bloodstream…

Release: Dec 00 – Review: 21 Feb 11

Bloody hell!

Bland action movie ensues. Only redeeming factor is that every chick is groin-achingly hot.

Release: Dec 1995 – Review: 22 Jul 05

Frightfully Fangless.

… tries to be a comedy, but writer-director Mel Brooks steers it as far from funny as Disneyland is from Transylvania.

Release: 1993 – Review: 24 Jun 05

Jeet Kune Don’t.

… these film-makers, who attempted to portray a pioneer who fought to elevate the martial arts film above that of B-Movie schlock, unwittingly created B-Movie schlock in the process.

Release: Mar 03 – Review: 18 Dec 11

Same Shit Different Director.

… we palpably feel the tone of King’s words in the tense, superbly-mounted first third of this film, and then seasoned King readers will feel it unravel into formulaic dross…

Release: Jul 78 – Review: 16 Jul 08

Emotionless Motion.

Taking McQueen’s BULLITT car-chase scene to its extremities, here is a movie ALL ABOUT the car chases.

Release: Dec 00 – Review: 11 Sep 10

Driving Mister Moron.

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR? is to Ashton Kutcher what BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE is to Keanu Reeves.

Release: Nov 10 – Review: 2 Jun 13

Iron Hangover.

Not exactly the road trip from hell, but DUE DATE swings so close to hell that you might as well make the detour and visit the gift shop.

Release: Nov 71 – Review: 31 Jan 14

The Original Road Warrior.

… the zenith of simplicity, effectiveness, suspense: a trucker, on a whim, goes after a lone car in this chase movie of the decade…

Release: Nov 14 – Review: 17 Oct 16

Unfunny and unfunnier too.

… another road trip, in search of another woman, with another hitman on their tail. It has everything the original movie had. Except comedy.

Release: Jul 17 – Review: 4 Dec 17

Song for the Unsung.

… the civilian-aided evacuation of 400,000 troops from the beach at Dunkirk on the north coast of France, during WWII.

Release: Apr 11 – Review: 2 Jan 11

Doggy doo.

… like Superman, keeps the peace – between supernatural folk and humans – in begrudging vigilantism.