E – EDG
Release: Jun 82 – Review: 18 Sep 10
Attack of the Phoning Scrotums.
…immortalized by director Steven Spielberg (back when he considered aliens benign and wonderful)…
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 21 Jun 09
Computer Bluesie, Computer Floosie.
Not another supercomputer that thinks humans are illogical and don’t deserve to live! When are humans gonna learn to unplug these things overnight…
Release: Jul 14 – Review: 20 Mar 15
What you can do with a stolen script and one shaky camera.
Someone decided to blatantly rip off E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL and SUPER 8 – two excellent movies – and mash them together with a wobble-cam.
Release: Sep 07 – Review: 31 Mar 09
…early scenes do well to create an aura of uneasiness around the Russians. It falls apart just about the time we see Viggo stark frontal nekkid. You heard me, ladies…
Release: Sep 10 – Review: 28 Jan 11
THE SCARLET LETTER for Generation Nerd.
How quaint: Emma Stone pastes a letter ‘A’ onto her A-cups.
Release: Aug 89 – Review: Nov 03
Rock and Roll IS Dead.
To fully enjoy this movie, one requires a full frontal lobotomy, no exposure to the last fifty years of rock and roll and a golf club delivered at strategic intervals to the scrotum.
Release: Aug 03 – Review: 4 Oct 15
Cosby with Swearing: Profanity Inanity.
… simplistic, innocent humor sprinkled with excellent mimicry and a conviction that belied its lack of depth.
Release: Dec 87 – Review: 4 Oct 15
Bigger, brainer, braver than DELIRIOUS–and ten minutes too long.
… Murphy has matured slightly, taking on meatier issues than the fluff he posited in his 1983 standup film…
Release: Feb 16 – Review: 4 Feb 17
Flying Low: Average is the new Achievement.
Eddie Edwards would overcome great odds, to end the 1988 Calgary Olympics ski jump event in, uh, last place.
Release: Jan 10 – Review: 4 Jan 11
Edge of Dorkness.
… copped out with a simplistic, all-too-convenient denouement, using bullets instead of brains.
Release: Jun 14 – Review: 17 Jun 14
Blunt. Cruise. Repeat.
… this GROUNDHOG DAY ripoff is constructed purely for careening our adrenaline, and careen it does, executed with verve and dynamism…
ELF – ETE
Release: Nov 03 – Review: 14 Jun 06
Will Ferrell is funny. This movie is not.
Release: Aug 13 – Review: 1 Sep 13
Paradise by the Gashed Gored Light.
Part chase movie, part political coup, all class warfare in tasty armor.
Release: Mar 16 – Review: 1 Aug 19
Babysitter thrillers. Like romcoms – the leads are always psycho.
EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT
Release: Jan 06 – Review: 2 Apr 06
Dear Spoiled Byoch: Y’know, guys don’t want to hear your reasons why not. Matter of fact, guys don’t even want to know your reasons WHY.
END OF DAYS
Release: Nov 99 – Review: 22 Sep 06
End of Intelligence.
Arnold fans will holler in joy, fans of brainless action will holler in astonishment, and Catholics will just holler.
Release: Nov 13 – Review: 31 Oct 18
The Thinking Man’s Alien Invasion.
A boy-genius strategist is recruited by Earth’s military to repel extra-terrestrial alien invaders. And does the job TOO well.
Release: Sep 01 – Review: Sep 01
First Ship, First Captain, First Mistake.
…with a Star Fleet insignia pasted to your left nipple and a flagrant lemon coloration that just screamed “boy toy” on the dance floor.
Release: Apr 04 – Review: 26 Nov 05
With Levinson’s loose direction and constipated performances, ENVY fails to make a splash.
THE EQUALIZER 2014
Release: Sep 14 – Review: 19 May 17
The Black TAKEN, featuring Home Depot Man.
Denzel has become so good in these avenger roles that we do not question the paucity of thought that went into the movie’s plot, which is hell-bent on being ten other action movies.
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
Release: Mar 04 – Review: 3 Jun 06
ETERNAL shines then dims.
…topples from its lofty aspirations to explore the girly-man question of whether you would re-commit to someone whom you have already discerned you cannot stand.
Release: Jun 13 – Review: 23 Jul 16
… a classy science fiction experience with imagination and guts.
EVE – EYE
Release: Sep 15 – Review: 1 Aug 16
Tragedy at the top of the world.
… account of the 1996 tragedy on Everest, where a total of 15 climbers died during their summit attempt.
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE
Release: Dec 78 – Review: 20 Jan 07
American Knuckle Sandwich.
Disguised as a simplistic road story, EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE is a paean to freedom…
Release: Apr 15 – Review: 5 May 15
True Intelligence is only an artificial heartbeat away.
Somewhere between conscious and unconscious, somewhere between nature and nurture, somewhere between tits and ass, lies… EX MACHINA.
Release: Aug 10 – Review: 4 Dec 10
The Man Show.
As a boy’s action-adventure movie, THE EXPENDABLES delivers, with hand-to-hand, gun-to-gun, wall-to-wall, ball-to-ball man-sweat…
THE EXPENDABLES 2
Release: Aug 12 – Review: 24 Aug 13
This time it’s Poisonal!
… to get Schwarzenegger, Willis and Stallone onscreen together in one shot, and to have them firing those big, big penises – I mean guns.
THE EXPENDABLES 3
Release: Aug 14 – Review: 30 Jul 15
The Dependable Cliché-ables.
1001 Dependable Movie Clichés (and How To Utilize Them All In One Movie).
Release: Aug 10 – Review: 6 Aug 11
Inhuman Nature IS Human Nature.
We needed a prison experiment to tell us Mankind is no better than a cage full of simians?
Release: Jul 18 – Review: 9 Oct 18
When A-Actors B-Film.
… a dichotomy of disaster-movie tropes and cutting edge story-telling.
Release: Sep 09 – Review: 7 Jul 10
Judge creates a very watchable comedy – although I don’t think I can ever forgive him for Beavis and Butthead.
EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE
Release: May 19 – Review: 5 Jun 19
Extremely Ripped, Shockingly Misguided and Pointless.
… a short period in serial murderer Ted Bundy’s life, as told exclusively from his naïve girlfriend’s point of view. Meaning it tells us nothing.
EYES OF THE MOTHMAN
Release: Feb 11 – Review: 18 Dec 12
Sleepy sleepy creepy creepy.
Is it possible to make a more pointless and boring documentary about something which is pretty eerie even to skeptics?
EYES WIDE SHUT
Release: Jul 99 – Review: 18 Mar 11
Pants Wide Open.
Stanley Kubrick directs EYES WIDE SHUT with his pants wide open.