FAC – FIN
A FACE IN THE CROWD
Release: Jun 57 – Review: 27 Jul 14
Empty Vessel, Most Noise.
Lonesome’s hubris, coupled with his inborn ignorance, would be his downfall. See Glenn Beck.
Release: Jun 04 – Review: 4 Sep 05
The Urgency After The Emergency.
… the rejoinder to years of enduring the fascist whims of a government despicable enough to wield the specter of the long-since-razed Twin Towers as collateral.
Release: Sep 64 – Review: 17 Sep 14
Failing at safe.
Bombing Moscow: the dream of every American chickenhawk politician during the Cold War. Bombing New York: the dream of every other country. In FAIL-SAFE, a grim parable about a war triggered due to a computer glitch, everyone’s dreams come true.
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 23 Sep 11
Weasels of Mass Distraction.
… treatise on how the George W. Bush administration abrogated its oath by willfully exposing one of its own undercover CIA agents.
Release: Sep 09 – Review: 28 Jan 10
… flits through so many storylines and characters at the New York School of Performing Arts, it implodes with two-dimensionality.
Release: Sep 13 – Review: 11 Mar 15
Same star, same territory, same facial expressions.
FANTASTIC FOUR 1994
Release: Jan 94 – Review: 9 Feb 18
It’s Knobberin’ Time!
Four scientist friends are bathed in the rays of a meteor and attain fantastic powers, none of which was the power to say no to appearing in this dungheap film.
Release: Jul 05 – Review: 5 Jul 07
… reasonable actors stuck in roles which afford them no time to reach (or do second takes), as the budget had to be funneled into hedonistic advertising, explosions…
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER
Release: Jul 07 – Review: 9 Jul 07
More FOUR Bore.
… what could have been epic and disturbing is handled with gloved thumbs by director Story and egregious so-called performances…
FANTASTIC FOUR 2015
Release: Aug 15 – Review: 27 May 16
Mo’ dark, mo’ fantastic.
… an eerie discomfiture surrounding the unearthly “powers” of the protagonists, rather than blind, childish, do-gooder acceptance.
FAST & FURIOUS
Release: Aug 09 – Review: 23 Jan 17
Too Furious To Act.
Filled with pointless vignettes and exhilarating-yet-idiotic street racing, I lost interest as soon as my chicken pot pie was ready.
FAST & FURIOUS 6
Release: May 13 – Review: 13 Dec 16
The Faster the Stupider.
Like NASA employing oil drillers in ARMAGEDDON, here the cops use illegal racing drivers to capture thieves who can drive fast.
FAST & FURIOUS 7
Release: Apr 15 – Review: 20 Dec 16
The Stupidous Furious.
Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS
Release: Jun 01 – Review: 31 Oct 16
Brahs in Cars.
A beautiful undercover cop falls for a muscled street racer in the bromosexual actioner THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT
Release: Jun 06 – Review: 6 Nov 16
Driving Mister Dazey.
The story is simple and stupid, like its lead character, the villains are cardboard cutouts and the women are nothing but ornaments…
Release: Aug 11 – Review: 14 Dec 16
America’s Fastest Crime Family.
… such a well-produced farce of gunmetal action sequences that it can almost be forgiven for its insanely idiotic plot and events. Almost.
FATHER OF THE BRIDE 1991
Release: Dec 91 – Review: 11 Jul 11
… a rarity in the pantheon of White American Romantic Comedies. Firstly, because it’s watchable.
FATHER OF THE BRIDE PART II
Release: Dec 95 – Review: 11 Jul 11
The sequel doesn’t fall far from the remake.
Two pregnant chicks. What a great way to guarantee driving out the male demographic…
FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST
Release: Apr 92 – Review: 11 Apr 10
Fairies Wear Boots.
A corporation is logging the Ferngully rainforest – and the fairies don’t like it!
FEYNMAN: THE CHALLENGER
Release: Nov 13 – Review: 3 Dec 13
A Smart Guy for Dumb People.
He hung out with strippers, thugs, beatniks and thieves. And professors. His life reads like Hunter S. Thompson – without the drugs and guns.
Release: May 97 – Review: 11 Jul 06
Slammin’, Glammin’ and Hammin’..
… critics are jealous that Euros can pull off an action blockbuster with as much brainless flair as Americans – with twice the guilty pleasure.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
Release: Feb 15 – Review: 11 Mar 16
Fifty Shades of Vanilla.
… what a dominant-submissive relationship looks like to someone who knows nothing about dominant-submissive relationships.
Release: Oct 99 – Review: 22 Jan 2014
Fight is Right.
… like a foaming dog tinted slime green. Pitt looks like he’s constantly smeared in poo and Norton looks like he hasn’t slept in three weeks.
Release: Dec 10 – Review: 11 Oct 11
Trailer Trash Writ Glorious.
… an underdog clawing his way to the middle echelons of a testosterone-induced inferiority-complex dick measuring competition…
Release: Jun 16 – Review: 15 Jun 17
FINDING DORY is lost at sea.
… renowned for mixed messages, conflicting messages and downright stupid messages, but even I can’t believe how low Disney/Pixar have, uh, sunk.
FIR – FLY
Release: Sep 97 – Review: 26 Feb 11
Fire Nowhere Near.
… Steven Seagal strides from one fist-fight into the next with that same expressionless expression…
Release: Sep 02 – Review: 17 Nov 11
Gorram good – once you get past the rutting cheapness.
… a Wild West iconography that gives it a familiar roll around the tongue, the 1800’s Zeitgeist lending a unique spin to the space campiness.
Release: Jun 82 – Review: 21 Feb 09
… a dark horse in the Clint canon. It’s him all right, pulling all the Clint faces, slamming the same Clint right hooks – but the movie just lacks grip.
Release: Oct 82 – Review: 1 Oct 11
The OTHER Rocky.
… a tectonic cultural groundslam, spawning the sequels that would bear the “Rambo” moniker and entrench the archetype in world consciousness.
Release: Oct 18 – Review: 25 Nov 18
First Maudlin Man.
… the movie itself reflects what Armstrong’s catchphrase was meant to convey – the majesty of Mankind’s achievements alongside the veracity of being one fragile man.
Release: Nov 06 – Review: 16 Nov 06
Raising Glory: the sham behind the glam.
… explores oft-neglected truths behind the accepted legends surrounding the most famous photograph of World War II…
Release: Oct 14 – Review: 21 Oct 14
The Wimping Of A Superhero.
Slogan: “The Making of a Superhero.” But the story itself wimps out the Fastest Man Alive at every turn.
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 8 May 09
Motor City Mad Man.
The David versus Goliath story – with David wielding an Intermittent Windshield Wiper.
Release: Nov 12 – Review: 23 Jul 13
A career ruined by alcohol, a movie ruined by Alcoholics Anonymous.
FLIGHT would have remained AA (Absolutely Awesome). Instead, it skews idiotically to another AA – Alcoholics Anonymous.
Release: Jan 06 – Review: 5 Jul 06
Flight of Fancy.
… would retain more credibility and tragedy were it not for the insistence of the media and families of the deceased in forcing the mantle of “hero” onto the departed.
Release: Jun 07 – Review: 8 Nov 09
Ripping Musical Yarns from slightly to the right of Down Unda.
… Tenacious D without the raunch – but just as much a spank in the groin.
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 13 Dec 09
The Conchords still Rock the Party.
Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, the eclectic musical parody duo Flight of The Conchords, return with a passion. And a lightning bottle.
Release: Dec 65 – Review: 20 Sep 09
Toying with Tragedy.
It’s TWELVE ANGRY MEN trapped in the desert.
Release: Dec 04 – Review: 30 Jul 11
Phoenix rising from the hashes.
… exemplary production values, so all they had to do was Not Add Dumb Stuff. Or OutKast. Guess not everyone got that memo.
Release: Sep 05 – Review: 17 Nov 05
Flying high on Foster’s adrenalin alone.
Release: Jul 58 – Review: 18 Oct 15
A scientist accidentally mixes his genes with a fly – and DOESN’T become a superhero!
FOO – FUN
THE FOOT FIST WAY
Release: May 08 – Review: 18 Aug 09
The Foot Mouth In.
… explores themes of narcissism and self-esteem, filled with non-sequitur characters, bad actors, and jokes that Will Ferrell would find funny.
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
Release: Jun 81 – Review: 9 Jun 20
A film that goes Greek on us…
James Bond 007 retrieves a missile controller from a sunken British warship, and helps a Greek woman avenge her parents’ murder while trying to go Greek on her.
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
Release: Apr 08 – Review: 20 Jul 11
I’ve already forgotten.
… only to find she is on the island, in the same hotel, ultimately in the room next door – with her new boyfriend. Beige, uncomfortable laughs ensue.
Release: Nov 06 – Review: 1 May 08
Doubtin’ The Fountain.
Raving beauty, rabid camera angling and startlingly somber performances almost save this movie from its own convoluted and ambitious storyline…
Release: Aug 05 – Review: 26 Sep 15
Four adopted brothers – two white, two black – reunite in the hood to hunt down their mother’s killer. And make a racial bonding statement.
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 20 Dec 11
Four times the noxious.
… combines the nausea of a christmas movie with the gut-belching dementia of a marriage-is-awesome movie.
THE FOURTH KIND
Release: Nov 09 – Review: 19 Dec 2010.
Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind: Idiocy.
… ripped directly from Whitley Strieber’s 1987 book Communion – people under hypnosis “remembering” being abducted. Consequently – it is just as silly.
Release: May 14 – Review: 21 Jun 17
… unlike many movies of its musical ilk – not about seeking success through stardom, but fulfillment through creation.
THE FREDDIE MERCURY STORY: WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER?
Release: Nov 16- Review: 22 Dec 18
Fantastic Gigs and Frightful Wigs.
According to this TV documentary, Freddie was a man-slut who happened to play Wembley Stadium by accident one day.
Release: May 95 – Review: 6 Jun 09
Ryan is so ingenuously irritating and cloying and provincial and desperate and ugly it is no wonder she had that facelift that destroyed her face and career.
Release: Apr 00 – Review: 5 Jan 10
Radio Da Da.
And we thought BACK TO THE FUTURE covered all the angles of going back in time to change the present!
FRIDAY THE 13TH
Release: May 80 – Review: 1 Nov 09
Lucky Number 13.
This might not be the original Stupid Knife-Kill Movie (HALLOWEEN holds that crown) – but it’s definitely one of the stupidest.
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
Release: Oct 63 – Review: 19 Dec 16
From Russia With Leering.
… the inert filmmaking, the theatrical acting, the juvenile framing, the laughable action (replete with Spock Chops aplenty), and the misogynist leering. Especially the leering.
Release: Dec 08 – Review: 22 Dec 08
…and the Truth shall set you bleed…
… Ron Howard’s compelling FROST/NIXON does what Oliver Stone’s milky W. never could – it gets the job done.
Release: Jul 13 – Review: 5 Aug 16
An Underprivileged Life Against Cowards With Guns.
Unarmed black man shot fatally in the back by cop. It’s not just a movie. It’s reality. Over and over again.
FUN WITH DICK AND JANE 2005
Release: Dec 05 – Review: 22 Jan 06
Not Much Fun with Dick and Jane.
… they turn to crime to pay the bills and retain their yuppie materialism. And we don’t need more than one hand to count the big laughs.
Release: Jun 09 – Review: 2 Oct 09
Apatow’s Magnum Scrotus.
High comedy, intense drama, and lots and lots of dick jokes.
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