Alpha-G (100 titles)

Release: Aug 97 – Review: 10 Sep 10

FEMper Fi.

Demi Moore tries to prove she’s got a dick.

Release: Dec 99 – Review: 30 May 06

No Dreck on this Trek.

… everything that the SCARY MOVIE franchise is not – well-produced, well-written, well-acted – and funny.

Release: Aug 97 – Review: 28 Jul 23

Vanilla Godzilla.

… a low-budget, straight-to-video, badly-acted and -scripted kiddie movie about a giant monster that restores its teen master to his rightful throne as King Douchebag.

Release: Aug 81 – Review: 4 Jul 07

Military Unintelligence.

… one of the great Australian films and one of the greatest anti-war films.

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 17 Oct 13

The Rise and Fall of Stupid.

Steve Schmidt’s correct assessment of the 24/7 news cycle is why Sarah Palin became a household name at all: Entertainment.

Release: Nov 65 – Review: 10 Oct 14

Stone-Age Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Gamera would not achieve the heights scaled by the King of the Monsters, but his reign as Duke of Daikaiju begins here…

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 25 Apr 15

Badass Turtle does good.

… brought a fine grasp of Western filmmaking to the GAMERA series.

Release: Mar 99 – Review: 4 Nov 15

Shell Shocked Ex-shell-ence!

… ranks with the best trilogies in any genre; in production values, stylistic cohesion, writing, direction and just plain balls-to-the-shell enjoyment.

Release: Mar 95 – Review: 22 Mar 15

Turtle Soup for the Soul.

Once more for the next generation: Gamera Vs. Gaos! Moderno melodramo maximus!

Release: May 80 – Review: 1 Aug 15

Tired Turtle.

Stock footage Gamera re-battles all his favorite foes for his target demo – Japanese schoolchildren in painfully tight shorts.

Release: Apr 06 – Review: 9 Nov 15

Boy-Gamera Child-Hero, and the hero-child brigade.

A baby Gamera must prove his worth against a Roland-zilla.

Release: Apr 66 – Review: 25 Oct 14

Finian’s Barugon.

… a plot about human greed and treachery, and a big monster birthed by radiation that destroys Japan. Trouble is – Gamera isn’t involved!

Release: Mar 67 – Review: 28 Oct 14

Pointy Birds.

… bird-bat-pointy-thing Gaos anoints GAMERA VS. GAOS as the most bloodthirsty of the Gamera movies.

Release: Mar 69 – Review: 22 Oct 14

A Real Cutup.

And stupidity reaches a new turtle dimension.

Release: Mar 70 – Review: 12 Apr 15

When children ran the Japanese military.

Gamera is pissed because Jiger’s rubber suit vaguely resembles a triceratops more than Gamera’s rubber suit vaguely resembles a turtle.

Release: Mar 68 – Review: 33 Jun 15

Octopustulent.

… Worst Film, Worst Editing, Worst Directing, Worst Acting, Worst Story, Worst Effects, and a special award for Worst Alien Foe. And worst Annoying Kids.

Release: Jul 71 – Review: 24 Oct 14

Space Fish Out Of Water.

Futuristic fish-creature against prehistoric turtle-creature in a battle to the almost-makes-sense.

Release: Dec 02 – Review: 2 Dec 04

An Army Of One – Daniel Day-Lewis.

There are three reasons to watch Martin Scorcese’s superlative GANGS OF NEW YORK: Daniel. Day. Lewis.

Release: Jun 04 – Review: 29 Sep 05

Flat Cat.

This is not a “bad” movie – it is simply devoid of a soul.

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 17 Dec 10

Despicable Them.

… it is revealed that the American companies that drill for natural gas are as unequivocally criminal and truly as insidiously evil.

Release: Dec 77 – Review: 20 Jun 09

Bullets over Fraud Way.

… a ludicrous, riotous, guilty pleasure, Eastwood at the helm as director and star, doing all those outlandish things only Eastwood can do in a Clint Eastwood Movie.

Release: Dec 58 – Review: 25 Dec 18

Jerry finds Charlie.

Jerry Lewis channels Charlie Chaplin in GEISHA BOY, his very own homage to Chaplin’s classic, THE KID.

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 17 Apr 07

Gene Simmons: Family Jew.

… who wants to see their god with his pants around his ankles?

Release: Feb 48 – Review: 24 Aug 09

Not very gentlemanly…

Released just after the Holocaust, can any of us in 2009 apprehend how this anti-Semitism sermon would have felt like electrodes on the testes of society?

Release: Sep 17 – Review: 11 Dec 17

Freedom is just a handcuff away.

… inescapably handcuffed to a poster bed, with your dead husband five feet away on the floor…

Release: Sep 1914 – Review: 3 Jul 17

Prehistoric Precursor.

The first Cartoon, Movie Maniacs! GERTIE THE DINOSAUR is an animated, silent, black-and-white short film…

Release: Mar 15 – Review: 3 Apr 16

Hardly getting hard.

… a puddle of clichés, sprinkled with a few laughs and the usual mundane Will Ferrell shtick…

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 6 Jul 10

Going Greek: it only hurts if you’re sober.

Drugs, bitches, rock stars, alcohol poisoning – geez! GET HIM TO THE GREEK is like one of my regular Tuesdays.

Release: Feb 17 – Review: 7 Mar 17

… because a black mind is a terrible thing to waste.

… a renaissance for the horror genre. But it won’t do shit for race relations.

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 26 Dec 08

Get Dumb. And Dumber.

It is obvious the filmmakers don’t “get” GET SMART. They missed it… by THAT much.

Release: Dec 64 – Review: 27 Jun 14

Shooting laser beams at our balls.

… another dimwitted Godzilla movie that brings together four – count ’em, four! – Japanese monsters to try and make a rip in each other’s rubber suits.

Release: Aug 96 – Review: 15 Aug 16

A Bridge Too Roar.

… a railway bridge over the Tsavo River is terrorized by two man-eating lions so vicious and elusive they become known as…

Release: Feb 07 – Review: 1 Aug 08

Queasy Rider.

Sloppy editing, directionless direction and idiotic writing make this the number one feel-retarded movie of the year.

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 7 Feb 09

Afterlife Strife.

Comedy is pain. Ricky Gervais will hurt you until you laugh.

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 3 Apr 11

Ghost in the Machine.

… sophisticated political thriller with an eye towards an intelligent audience who can follow a plot that doesn’t spell out Bad Guys by three-day growths…

Release: Jun 84 – Review: 26 Sep 16

Starts off solid, Ends up ectoplasm…

… undoubtedly popular, contributing to filmic vernacular, and lending many quotes to the culture, but the weak third act is insubstantial as ectoplasm.

Release: Jun 89 – Review: 2 Oct 16

Why am I drippings with poo?

A river of slime threatens New York and brings the Ghostbusters out of retirement. Any excuse to touch tips again…

Release: May 09 – Review: 20 Nov 09

Ghost of Dickens Past turns in his grave.

… another in a long line of tiresome films where females prove conclusively they don’t know WHAT they want.

Release: Aug 03 – Review: 13 Dec 06

To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade; to condemn, decry, objurgate…

An insult to gangsters, Italians, homosexuals, Al Pacino, lesbians, actors, retards, and even David Hasselhoff.

Release: May 00 – Review: 6 Mar 09

Unleashing Helle.

… there might well have been in Roman history a general who became a slave, a slave who became a gladiator, a gladiator who won an Oscar.

Release: Jan 19 – Review: 14 Apr 19

GLASS shatters… expectations!

The three protagonists from two previous M. Night Shyamalan thrillers gravitate toward one another like atoms reaching critical mass…

Release: Mar 1972 – Review: 13 May 06

The Godfather Of Them All.

… reigns as the yardstick by which all other gangster movies are brutally scrutinized.

Release: Feb 16 – Review: 11 Dec 16

Who knew Ancient Egypt had so many special effects?

… the filmmakers get caught up in gratuitous overkill when it comes to their efx sandbox.

Release: Nov 54 – Review: 21 Sep 14

Tampering in Godz domain…

From the depths of hell it came, roaring, spitting fire, destroying civilization; black of heart and devoid of empathy. And it probably had a really small brain too. It was called – The United States of America…

Release: Aug 85 – Review: 6 Feb 16

Zilla versus Tokyo in a battle to the Burr.

… time to insert the American Big Dick Pentagon segments that do not exist in the original.

Release: May 98 – Review: 27 Feb 20

Milli Godzilli.

Godzilla takes a bite out of The Big Apple. And Ferris Bueller is there to stop him.

Release: Nov 99 – Review: 29 Jun 14

Rebooting the unbootable.

Well, at least Godzilla doesn’t look like the Cookie Monster any more.

Release: May 14 – Review: 30 May 14

Kaiju in battle for Gojira-san so mighty ooaah!

… reinvents reimagines regurgitates the King of the Monsters on American shores…

Release: Dec 02 – Review: 28 Jun 14

Mega Godzilla!

… filmmakers didn’t just drag the beast back from the brink of Looney Tunes, they’ve actually skewed towards quality…

Release: May 18 – Review: 20 Jul 19

Godzilla the McGuffin.

For the second time in Earth history, we’re watching a Godzilla film for the fates of the people!

Release: Dec 04 – Review: 15 Jul 14

Final Bores.

… the movie where every single Godzilla enemy turns up to try out their new rubber suit design…

Release: Apr 56 – Review: 30 Jun 14

Trying to fix something that ain’t broke – and breaking it.

It’s a hatchet job on par with the greatest sins in the King James Bible; racist, provincial, uneducated and politically gutless.

Release: May 19 – Review: 4 Jul 19

A retconned Godzilla for a short attention span fandom.

… the filmmakers have re-wrought the ethos of Godzilla from a hapless victim to a proactive savior.

Release: Nov 17 – Review: 10 Jul 19

Godzilla Vs. Hipster-saurus.

… a Godzilla purist’s wet dream: firstly, Godzilla is back in the badboy books…

Release: Dec 01 – Review: 25 May 20

Godzilla’s Carnival of Souls.

… three monsters that will rise to combat Godzilla when the voices in his head get too loud: Baragon, Mothra and King Ghidorah.

Release: Apr 55 – Review: 3 Jul 14

Raiding Places.

… to release it in America, studio execs had to first cut it to shreds and add its own idiot narration because America Best Movie Champions…

Release: Nov 18 – Review: 23 Jul 19

Existential-zilla.

… completes Toho Animation’s daring computer-animated trilogy reimagining Godzilla as destroyer, defiler and deity.

Release: Dec 03 – Review: 30 may 20

Sacrifice Our Rubber Souls.

… a heart-rending, dambusting actioner that turns our eyes into running rivers, as it revolves around one word: sacrifice!

Release: Dec 89 – Review: 28 Jan 16

Whole Lotta Rosie.

Godzilla versus a giant mutating rose! And all gardening breaks loose!…

Release: Dec 95 – Review: 27 Jan 15

Crush-o Kill-o Dest-o-royah!

Godzilla’s having a nuclear meltdown!

Release: Mar 72 – Review: 12 Jun 14

Jumping the Sharkzilla.

Extra-terrestrial alien cockroaches defeated by Japanese cartoonist!

Release: Dec 91 – Review: 13 Mar 18

Tyrannozilla Godzasaurus.

… the authorities send Godzilla in to stop Ghidorah wrecking Japan, then have to send in a Mecha-Ghidorah to stop Godzilla wrecking Japan…

Release: Mar 21 – Review: 14 Apr 21

Spectacular Effects vs. Brainless Script.

If you came for the monster fights, you died and went to daikaiju heaven; but if you came for characterization, story, dramatic arcs – and you left disappointed – well I know how old you are. Over 12.

Release: Mar 74 – Review: 26 Mar 18

The Godzilla movie that doesn’t need Godzilla.

Godzilla’s name may be in the title, but he’s nothing but a bit player.

Release: Dec 93 – Review: 10 Feb 16

Mechasaurian Dinogodz and their place in history.

… filmmakers try to squeeze it past us that these creatures are all related to dinosaurs.

Release: Dec 00 – Review: 2 Jul 19

Where science and stupidity collide.

Yes, the new Millennium Godzilla looks great, but the idiocy is still the same.

Release: Mar 73 – Review: 10 Jun 14

Cheese Doodles on Crazy Bread.

… they really didn’t know how imbecilic their once-ominous allegory of nuclear abuse had become.

Release: Dec 65 – Review: 6 Jun 14

The Shark Jumpty Dance.

… a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits.

Release: Apr 64 – Review: 7 Jun 14

Godzilla’s Mothman Chronicles.

… Godzilla is still walking around aimlessly breaking stuff.

Release: Dec 92 – Review: 8 Jul 19

Guest-Starring Godzilla…

Mothra battles the evil moth Battra, while Godzilla gets in the way.

Release: Dec 94 – Review: 24 May 20

Godzilla’s own Clone War.

Godzilla must battle his own Godzilla clone – from space!

Release: Dec 66 – Review: 8 Jun 14

Godzilla as Destroyer, Godzilla as Savior, Godzilla as afterthought.

… Mothra’s village; teens and a master thief shipwrecked, free the slaves, giant bird attack, lightning storm, nuclear explosions. Uh, and Godzilla.

Release: Jul 71 – Review: 12 Jun 14

Going Green with Big Green.

… a real horror story, which doubles as one long Public Service Announcement against pollution.

Release: Dec 69 – Review: 17 Jun 14

The revenge is on US!

Godzilla fighting a spider, a mantis, a lobster, a bird, etc. I’m about to pass out from the banality.

Release: Nov 95 – Review: 12 Apr 20

Out with the smug. In with the smugger.

James Bond must defeat the stronger agent, thwart the runaway satellite, and bang the Russian hotness.

Release: Dec 64 – Review: 28 Apr 20

BUTTERFINGER, or, The Case For Firing 007.

… Bond keeps proving how terrible he is at his job.

Release: Oct 07 – Review: 7 Oct 08

View to a Hammock.

Ben Affleck makes gravy in his directorial debut, about a redneck daughter’s kidnapping on the mean streets of Boston. And how his sleepwalking brother saves the day.

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 23 Dec 10

Where the wave finally broke and rolled back…

Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005), the pill-popping, alcoholic, gun-toting, womanizing, self-proclaimed doctor of Gonzo Journalism.

Release: Feb 13 – Review: 14 Jul 13

Double the McClane, Triple the Explosions, One Wisecrack Too Many.

He is a Hero because he has the choice not to be. Here, he is a pain in the ass.

Release: Jan 98 – Review: 23 Apr 11

Beautiful mind versus beautiful beard.

… a driving story of a disturbed young mathematical genius trying to find his niche in a world that unwittingly ostracizes him for his beautiful mind.

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 10 Apr 10

Abused Cars.

Slick, smarmy and sweaty-balled, THE GOODS is the bastard child of USED CARS and GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS.

Release: Mar 61 – Review: 4 Jun 14

Like Mother, Like Gorgo.

… the British ‘zilla! What a posh roar you have, my old son!

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 23 Sep 14

The Batmanless Years.

It’s the city of the Batman. Before the Batman.

Release: Nov 90 – Review: 26 Jun 16

Bridge of Sighs.

Prince oversteps his genius by taking on GRAFFITI BRIDGE as writer, director, actor, dancer, composer and messiah complex…

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 31 Dec 08

The Enforcer in the ‘burbs.

It’s not a Dirty Harry film… really, it isn’t. But someone forgot to tell Clint Eastwood.

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 6 Dec 13

GRAVITY is all force, no weight.

… though it continues the magisterial visual legacy of SPACE ODYSSEY, it contains none of the mysticism or far-reaching cosmic ideas. These astronauts are just looking for a rocket ride home.

Release: Mar 41 – Review: 5 Feb 15

The Agitprop that Dares Speaketh.

… Chaplin’s audacious satirical stab at Hitler’s Nazi regime, production starting just as World War II broke out. Obviously before the term “too soon” was invented.

Release: Oct 76 – Review: 7 Jul 14

The Great Snore-dini.

Paul Michael Glaser is… THE GREAT HOUDINI. Spit-take. He can’t even escape his David Starsky white-fro. How will he do against a water torture cell?

Release: 1903 – Review: 8 Apr 11

The Ten-Minute Milestone.

Back when overacting was the ONLY acting, before D.W. Griffiths, before KING KONG, almost before electricity…

Release: Apr 65 – Review: 2 May 14

The Most Tedious Story Ever Told.

… so far up its own arse that Satan called the filmmakers and thanked them for turning so many people off Christianity.

Release: Jun 11 – Review: 1 Jul 11

Attack of the 50-foot foreheads.

… could have opted to stay Earthbound, but instead do a wondrous galactic job outlining one of the more interesting superhero legends.

Release: Jan 12 – Review: 15 Dec 12

Monsters within and without.

Liam Neeson takes the shortcut through the woods – and meets the Big Bad Wolf.

Release: Apr 97 – Review: 10 May 11

Whackjob Whack Job.

When we attend our high school reunions, we’d all like to be able to say, “I’m a professional killer.”

Release: May 00 – Review: 27 Mar 18

When far out is not all the way.

So… did Greg ever do it with Marcia?…

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 30 Dec 10

Groan Ups.

Five friends reunite for the funeral of their school coach and spend the weekend trying to be funny…

Release: Jun 13 – Review: 17 Apr 16

Would you like a little movie to go with your pee jokes?

Rob Schneider isn’t here. Nonetheless, GROWN UPS 2 is still worse than its predecessor.

Release: Dec 13 – Review: 17 Jul 16

Raging Rocky.

It’s Rocky versus Raging Bull in a battle to the retirement community.

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 25 Nov 14

The D-List goes A-Team.

… an unexpected lightning strike that needs to be captured in that mythical bottle, or its bedazzlement will be lost to the galactic slipstream…

Release: May 17 – Review: 29 Jun 17

Badness and Sadness on the Superhero Superhighway.

… captures that same spirit of eager fire and innocent fun it broke over us so brilliantly in its predecessor.

Release: Dec 67 – Review: 21 Sep 09

Still Racist After All These Years…

… meant to be a hammer against racism. Unfortunately, it only illustrates the filmmakers’ racism without them even realizing it.