G – GIG

G.I. JANE

4 Star

TOP

G.I. JANE

Release: Aug 97 – Review: 10 Sep 10
FEMper Fi.
Demi Moore tries to prove she’s got a dick.

GALAXY QUEST

7 Star

TOP

GALAXY QUEST

Release: Dec 99 – Review: 30 May 06
No Dreck on this Trek.
… everything that the SCARY MOVIE franchise is not – well-produced, well-written, well-acted – and funny.

GALLIPOLI

9 Star

TOP

GALLIPOLI

Release: Aug 81 – Review: 4 Jul 07
Military Unintelligence.
… one of the great Australian films and one of the greatest anti-war films.

GAME CHANGE

8 Star

TOP

GAME CHANGE

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 17 Oct 13
The Rise and Fall of Stupid.
Steve Schmidt’s correct assessment of the 24/7 news cycle is why Sarah Palin became a household name at all: Entertainment.

GAMERA

3 Star

TOP

GAMERA

Release: Nov 65 – Review: 10 Oct 14
Stone-Age Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Gamera would not achieve the heights scaled by the King of the Monsters, but his reign as Duke of Daikaiju begins here…

GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION

6 Star

TOP

GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 25 Apr 15
Badass Turtle does good.
… brought a fine grasp of Western filmmaking to the GAMERA series.

GAMERA 3: THE REVENGE OF IRIS

7 Star

TOP

GAMERA 3: THE REVENGE OF IRIS

Release: Mar 99 – Review: 4 Nov 15
Shell Shocked Ex-shell-ence!
… ranks with the best trilogies in any genre; in production values, stylistic cohesion, writing, direction and just plain balls-to-the-shell enjoyment.

GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE

7 Star

TOP

GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE

Release: Mar 95 – Review: 22 Mar 15
Turtle Soup for the Soul.
Once more for the next generation: Gamera Vs. Gaos! Moderno melodramo maximus!

GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER

1 Star

TOP

GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER

Release: May 80 – Review: 1 Aug 15
Tired Turtle.
Stock footage Gamera re-battles all his favorite foes for his target demo – Japanese schoolchildren in painfully tight shorts.

GAMERA THE BRAVE

7 Star

TOP

GAMERA THE BRAVE

Release: Apr 06 – Review: 9 Nov 15
Boy-Gamera Child-Hero, and the hero-child brigade.
A baby Gamera must prove his worth against a Roland-zilla.

GAMERA VS BARUGON

4 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS BARUGON

Release: Apr 66 – Review: 25 Oct 14
Finian’s Barugon.
… a plot about human greed and treachery, and a big monster birthed by radiation that destroys Japan. Trouble is – Gamera isn’t involved!

GAMERA VS GAOS

3 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS GAOS

Release: Mar 67 – Review: 28 Oct 14
Pointy Birds.
… bird-bat-pointy-thing Gaos anoints GAMERA VS. GAOS as the most bloodthirsty of the Gamera movies.

GAMERA VS GUIRON

1 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS GUIRON

Release: Mar 69 – Review: 22 Oct 14
A Real Cutup.
And stupidity reaches a new turtle dimension.

GAMERA VS JIGER

2 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS JIGER

Release: Mar 70 – Review: 12 Apr 15
When children ran the Japanese military.
Gamera is pissed because Jiger’s rubber suit vaguely resembles a triceratops more than Gamera’s rubber suit vaguely resembles a turtle.

GAMERA VS VIRAS

1 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS VIRAS

Release: Mar 68 – Review: 33 Jun 15
Octopustulent.
… Worst Film, Worst Editing, Worst Directing, Worst Acting, Worst Story, Worst Effects, and a special award for Worst Alien Foe. And worst Annoying Kids.

GAMERA VS ZIGRA

2 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS ZIGRA

Release: Jul 71 – Review: 24 Oct 14
Space Fish Out Of Water.
Futuristic fish-creature against prehistoric turtle-creature in a battle to the almost-makes-sense.

GANGS OF NEW YORK

8 Star

TOP

GANGS OF NEW YORK

Release: Dec 02 – Review: 2 Dec 04
An Army Of One – Daniel Day-Lewis.
There are three reasons to watch Martin Scorcese’s superlative GANGS OF NEW YORK: Daniel. Day. Lewis.

GARFIELD

3 Star

TOP

GARFIELD

Release: Jun 04 – Review: 29 Sep 05
Flat Cat.
This is not a “bad” movie – it is simply devoid of a soul.

GASLAND

8 Star

TOP

GASLAND

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 17 Dec 10
Despicable Them.
… it is revealed that the American companies that drill for natural gas are as unequivocally criminal and truly as insidiously evil.

THE GAUNTLET

7 Star

TOP

THE GAUNTLET

Release: Dec 77 – Review: 20 Jun 09
Bullets over Fraud Way.
… a ludicrous, riotous, guilty pleasure, Eastwood at the helm as director and star, doing all those outlandish things only Eastwood can do in a Clint Eastwood Movie.

THE GEISHA BOY

7 Star

TOP

THE GEISHA BOY

Release: Dec 58 – Review: 25 Dec 18
Jerry finds Charlie.
Jerry Lewis channels Charlie Chaplin in GEISHA BOY, his very own homage to Chaplin’s classic, THE KID.

GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS

5 Star

TOP

GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 17 Apr 07
Gene Simmons: Family Jew.
… who wants to see their god with his pants around his ankles?

GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT

8 Star

TOP

GENTLEMAN’S AGREEMENT

Release: Feb 48 – Review: 24 Aug 09
Not very gentlemanly…
Released just after the Holocaust, can any of us in 2009 apprehend how this anti-Semitism sermon would have felt like electrodes on the testes of society?

GERALD'S GAME

7 Star

TOP

GERALD’S GAME

Release: Sep 17 – Review: 11 Dec 17
Freedom is just a handcuff away.
… inescapably handcuffed to a poster bed, with your dead husband five feet away on the floor…

GERTIE THE DINOSAUR

7 Star

TOP

GERTIE THE DINOSAUR

Release: Sep 1914 – Review: 3 Jul 17
Prehistoric Precursor.
The first Cartoon, Movie Maniacs! GERTIE THE DINOSAUR is an animated, silent, black-and-white short film…

GET HARD

5 Star

TOP

GET HARD

Release: Mar 15 – Review: 3 Apr 16
Hardly getting hard.
… a puddle of clichés, sprinkled with a few laughs and the usual mundane Will Ferrell shtick…

GET HIM TO THE GREEK

7 Star

TOP

GET HIM TO THE GREEK

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 6 Jul 10
Going Greek: it only hurts if you’re sober.
Drugs, bitches, rock stars, alcohol poisoning – geez! GET HIM TO THE GREEK is like one of my regular Tuesdays.

GET OUT

9 Star

TOP

GET OUT

Release: Feb 17 – Review: 7 Mar 17
… because a black mind is a terrible thing to waste.
… a renaissance for the horror genre. But it won’t do shit for race relations.

GET SMART

3 Star

TOP

GET SMART

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 26 Dec 08
Get Dumb. And Dumber.
It is obvious the filmmakers don’t “get” GET SMART. They missed it… by THAT much.

GHIDORAH: THE THREE-HEADED-MONSTER

1 Star

TOP

GHIDORAH: THE THREE-HEADED-MONSTER

Release: Dec 64 – Review: 27 Jun 14
Shooting laser beams at our balls.
… another dimwitted Godzilla movie that brings together four – count ’em, four! – Japanese monsters to try and make a rip in each other’s rubber suits.

THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS

7 Star

TOP

THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS

Release: Aug 96 – Review: 15 Aug 16
A Bridge Too Roar.
… a railway bridge over the Tsavo River is terrorized by two man-eating lions so vicious and elusive they become known as…

GHOST RIDER

1 Star

TOP

GHOST RIDER

Release: Feb 07 – Review: 1 Aug 08
Queasy Rider.
Sloppy editing, directionless direction and idiotic writing make this the number one feel-retarded movie of the year.

GHOST TOWN

7 Star

TOP

GHOST TOWN

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 7 Feb 09
Afterlife Strife.
Comedy is pain. Ricky Gervais will hurt you until you laugh.

GHOST WRITER

8 Star

TOP

GHOST WRITER

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 3 Apr 11
Ghost in the Machine.
… sophisticated political thriller with an eye towards an intelligent audience who can follow a plot that doesn’t spell out Bad Guys by three-day growths…

GHOSTBUSTERS

7 Star

TOP

GHOSTBUSTERS

Release: Jun 84 – Review: 26 Sep 16
Starts off solid, Ends up ectoplasm…
… undoubtedly popular, contributing to filmic vernacular, and lending many quotes to the culture, but the weak third act is insubstantial as ectoplasm.

GHOSTBUSTERS II

6 Star

TOP

GHOSTBUSTERS II

Release: Jun 89 – Review: 2 Oct 16
Why am I covered in poo?
A river of slime threatens New York and brings the Ghostbusters out of retirement. Any excuse to touch tips again…

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

3 Star

TOP

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

Release: May 09 – Review: 20 Nov 09
Ghost of Dickens Past turns in his grave.
… another in a long line of tiresome films where females prove conclusively they don’t know WHAT they want.

GIGLI

2 Star

TOP

GIGLI

Release: Aug 03 – Review: 13 Dec 06
To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade; to condemn, decry, objurgate…
An insult to gangsters, Italians, homosexuals, Al Pacino, lesbians, actors, retards, and even David Hasselhoff.

GLA – GOD

GLADIATOR

8 Star

TOP

GLADIATOR

Release: May 00 – Review: 6 Mar 09
Unleashing Helle.
… there might well have been in Roman history a general who became a slave, a slave who became a gladiator, a gladiator who won an Oscar.

GLASS 2019

8 Star

TOP

GLASS 2019

Release: Jan 19 – Review: 14 Apr 19
GLASS shatters… expectations!
The three protagonists from two previous M. Night Shyamalan thrillers gravitate toward one another like atoms reaching critical mass…

THE GODFATHER

10 Star

TOP

THE GODFATHER

Release: Mar 1972 – Review: 13 May 06
The Godfather Of Them All.
… reigns as the yardstick by which all other gangster movies are brutally scrutinized.

GODS OF EGYPT

4 Star

TOP

GODS OF EGYPT

Release: Feb 16 – Review: 11 Dec 16
Who knew Ancient Egypt had so many special effects?
… the filmmakers get caught up in gratuitous overkill when it comes to their efx sandbox.

GODZILLA

9 Star

TOP

GODZILLA

Release: Nov 54 – Review: 21 Sep 14
Tampering in Godz domain…
From the depths of hell it came, roaring, spitting fire, destroying civilization; black of heart and devoid of empathy. And it probably had a really small brain too. It was called – The United States of America…

GODZILLA 1985

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA 1985

Release: Aug 85 – Review: 6 Feb 16
Zilla versus Tokyo in a battle to the Burr.
… time to insert the American Big Dick Pentagon segments that do not exist in the original.

GODZILLA 2000

4 Star

TOP

GODZILLA 2000

Release: Nov 99 – Review: 29 Jun 14
Rebooting the unbootable.
Well, at least Godzilla doesn’t look like the Cookie Monster any more.

GODZILLA 2014

6 Star

TOP

GODZILLA 2014

Release: May 14 – Review: 30 May 14
Kaiju in battle for Gojira-san so mighty ooaah!
… reinvents reimagines regurgitates the King of the Monsters on American shores…

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

7 Star

TOP

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

Release: Dec 02 – Review: 28 Jun 14
Mega Godzilla!
… filmmakers didn’t just drag the beast back from the brink of Looney Tunes, they’ve actually skewed towards quality…

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Release: Dec 04 – Review: 15 Jul 14
Final Bores.
… the movie where every single Godzilla enemy turns up to try out their new rubber suit design…

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

Release: Apr 56 – Review: 30 Jun 14
Trying to fix something that ain’t broke – and breaking it.
It’s a hatchet job on par with the greatest sins in the King James Bible; racist, provincial, uneducated and politically gutless.

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

2 Star

TOP

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

Release: Apr 55 – Review: 3 Jul 14
Raiding Places.
… to release it in America, studio execs had to first cut it to shreds and add its own idiot narration because America Best Movie Champions…

GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE

5 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE

Release: Dec 89 – Review: 28 Jan 16
Whole Lotta Rosie.
Godzilla versus a giant mutating rose! And all gardening breaks loose!…

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

6 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

Release: Dec 95 – Review: 27 Jan 15
Crush-o Kill-o Dest-o-royah!
Godzilla’s having a nuclear meltdown!

GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

4 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

Release: Mar 72 – Review: 12 Jun 14
Jumping the Sharkzilla.
Extra-terrestrial alien cockroaches defeated by Japanese cartoonist!

GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH

5 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH

Release: Dec 91 – Review: 13 Mar 18
Tyrannozilla Godzasaurus.
… the authorities send Godzilla in to stop Ghidorah wrecking Japan, then have to send in a Mecha-Ghidorah to stop Godzilla wrecking Japan…

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA

1 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA

Release: Mar 74 – Review: 26 Mar 18
The Godzilla movie that doesn’t need Godzilla.
Godzilla’s name may be in the title, but he’s nothing but a bit player.

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II

4 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II

Release: Dec 93 – Review: 10 Feb 16
Mechasaurian Dinogodz and their place in history.
… filmmakers try to squeeze it past us that these creatures are all related to dinosaurs.

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

2 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

Release: Mar 73 – Review: 10 Jun 14
Cheese Doodles on Crazy Bread.
… they really didn’t know how imbecilic their once-ominous allegory of nuclear abuse had become.

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

1 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

Release: Dec 65 – Review: 6 Jun 14
The Shark Jumpty Dance.
… a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits.

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

Release: Apr 64 – Review: 7 Jun 14
Godzilla’s Mothman Chronicles.
… Godzilla is still walking around aimlessly breaking stuff.

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

5 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

Release: Dec 66 – Review: 8 Jun 14
Godzilla as Destroyer, Godzilla as Savior, Godzilla as afterthought.
… Mothra’s village; teens and a master thief shipwrecked, free the slaves, giant bird attack, lightning storm, nuclear explosions. Uh, and Godzilla.

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

6 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

Release: Jul 71 – Review: 12 Jun 14
Going Green with Big Green.
… a real horror story, which doubles as one long Public Service Announcement against pollution.

GODZILLA'S REVENGE

1 Star

TOP

GODZILLA’S REVENGE

Release: Dec 69 – Review: 17 Jun 14
The revenge is on US!
Godzilla fighting a spider, a mantis, a lobster, a bird, etc. I’m about to pass out from the banality.

GON – GUE

GONE BABY GONE

6 Star

TOP

GONE BABY GONE

Release: Oct 07 – Review: 7 Oct 08
View to a Hammock.
Ben Affleck makes gravy in his directorial debut, about a redneck daughter’s kidnapping on the mean streets of Boston. And how his sleepwalking brother saves the day.

GONZO

6 Star

TOP

GONZO

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 23 Dec 10
Where the wave finally broke and rolled back…
Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005), the pill-popping, alcoholic, gun-toting, womanizing, self-proclaimed doctor of Gonzo Journalism.

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD

5 Star

TOP

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD

Release: Feb 13 – Review: 14 Jul 13
Double the McClane, Triple the Explosions, One Wisecrack Too Many.
He is a Hero because he has the choice not to be. Here, he is a pain in the ass.

GOOD WILL HUNTING

9 Star

TOP

GOOD WILL HUNTING

Release: Jan 98 – Review: 23 Apr 11
Beautiful mind versus beautiful beard.
… a driving story of a disturbed young mathematical genius trying to find his niche in a world that unwittingly ostracizes him for his beautiful mind.

THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD

8 Star

TOP

THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 10 Apr 10
Abused Cars.
Slick, smarmy and sweaty-balled, THE GOODS is the bastard child of USED CARS and GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS.

GORGO

5 Star

TOP

GORGO

Release: Mar 61 – Review: 4 Jun 14
Like Mother, Like Gorgo.
… the British ‘zilla! What a posh roar you have, my old son!

GOTHAM

7 Star

TOP

GOTHAM

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 23 Sep 14
The Batmanless Years.
It’s the city of the Batman. Before the Batman.

GRAFFITI BRIDGE

5 Star

TOP

GRAFFITI BRIDGE

Release: Nov 90 – Review: 26 Jun 16
Bridge of Sighs.
Prince oversteps his genius by taking on GRAFFITI BRIDGE as writer, director, actor, dancer, composer and messiah complex…

GRAN TORINO

8 Star

TOP

GRAN TORINO

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 31 Dec 08
The Enforcer in the ‘burbs.
It’s not a Dirty Harry film… really, it isn’t. But someone forgot to tell Clint Eastwood.

GRAVITY

8 Star

TOP

GRAVITY

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 6 Dec 13
GRAVITY is all force, no weight.
… though it continues the magisterial visual legacy of SPACE ODYSSEY, it contains none of the mysticism or far-reaching cosmic ideas. These astronauts are just looking for a rocket ride home.

THE GREAT DICTATOR

7 Star

TOP

THE GREAT DICTATOR

Release: Mar 41 – Review: 5 Feb 15
The Agitprop that Dares Speaketh.
… Chaplin’s audacious satirical stab at Hitler’s Nazi regime, production starting just as World War II broke out. Obviously before the term “too soon” was invented.

THE GREAT HOUDINI

5 Star

TOP

THE GREAT HOUDINI

Release: Oct 76 – Review: 7 Jul 14
The Great Snore-dini.
Paul Michael Glaser is… THE GREAT HOUDINI. Spit-take. He can’t even escape his David Starsky white-fro. How will he do against a water torture cell?

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

7 Star

TOP

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

Release: 1903 – Review: 8 Apr 11
The Ten-Minute Milestone.
Back when overacting was the ONLY acting, before D.W. Griffiths, before KING KONG, almost before electricity…

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

6 Star

TOP

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

Release: Apr 65 – Review: 2 May 14
The Most Tedious Story Ever Told.
… so far up its own arse that Satan called the filmmakers and thanked them for turning so many people off Christianity.

GREEN LANTERN

6 Star

TOP

GREEN LANTERN

Release: Jun 11 – Review: 1 Jul 11
Attack of the 50-foot foreheads.
… could have opted to stay Earthbound, but instead do a wondrous galactic job outlining one of the more interesting superhero legends.

THE GREY

7 Star

TOP

THE GREY

Release: Jan 12 – Review: 15 Dec 12
Monsters within and without.
Liam Neeson takes the shortcut through the woods – and meets the Big Bad Wolf.

GROSSE-POINTE-BLANK

8 Star

TOP

GROSSE POINTE BLANK

Release: Apr 97 – Review: 10 May 11
Whackjob Whack Job.
When we attend our high school reunions, we’d all like to be able to say, “I’m a professional killer.”

GROWING UP BRADY

6 Star

TOP

GROWING UP BRADY

Release: May 00 – Review: 27 Mar 18
When far out is not all the way.
So… did Greg ever do it with Marcia?…

GROWN UPS

3 Star

TOP

GROWN UPS

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 30 Dec 10
Groan Ups.
Five friends reunite for the funeral of their school coach and spend the weekend trying to be funny…

GROWN UPS 2

1 Star

TOP

GROWN UPS 2

Release: Jun 13 – Review: 17 Apr 16
Would you like a little movie to go with your pee jokes?
Rob Schneider isn’t here. Nonetheless, GROWN UPS 2 is still worse than its predecessor.

GRUDGE MATCH

6 Star

TOP

GRUDGE MATCH

Release: Dec 13 – Review: 17 Jul 16
Raging Rocky.
It’s Rocky versus Raging Bull in a battle to the retirement community.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

9 Star

TOP

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 25 Nov 14
The D-List goes A-Team.
… an unexpected lightning strike that needs to be captured in that mythical bottle, or its bedazzlement will be lost to the galactic slipstream…

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

8 Star

TOP

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

Release: May 17 – Review: 29 Jun 17
Badness and Sadness on the Superhero Superhighway.
… captures that same spirit of eager fire and innocent fun it broke over us so brilliantly in its predecessor.

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER

7 Star

TOP

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER

Release: Dec 67 – Review: 21 Sep 09
Still Racist After All These Years…
… meant to be a hammer against racism. Unfortunately, it only illustrates the filmmakers’ racism without them even realizing it.