HAI – HAU
Release: Feb 16 – Review: 18 Dec 17
Would that it were so sequitur.
… seems to be aiming at THE BIG LEBOWSKI but steps off the bus somewhere at BURN AFTER READING.
Release: Oct 78 – Review: 6 Nov 09
Carving Teen on Halloween.
Arguably the first Senseless Knife-Kill flick; arguably the first “serial murder” movie mislabeled as “horror”…
Release: Aug 08 – Review: 21 Apr 09
Charming Blasphemy, Thy Name is Sexy Jesus.
HAMLET 2 is GREASE slipping on the banana peel of JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR…
Release: Jul 08 – Review: 12 Jul 08
Upping the Ante on Anti-Heroes.
…a “superhero movie” only on its surface. Deeper, where emotions are torn from desires, and sorrow abides like ravenous bile, HANCOCK is a misunderstood gem.
Release: Jun 09 – Review: 14 Feb 10
Vegas Knights (without amor).
… exudes a heady excitement and an overall feeling of blissful meaningless fun…
Release: May 11 – Review: 25 Oct 12
Trying to Capture Lightning in an Alcohol Bottle.
“I can’t believe this is happening again!” Ed Helms says in THE HANGOVER PART 2. You and us both, Ed.
Release: May 13 – Review: 2 Dec 16
Waking from Itself.
A brand new comedy with the same beloved characters; focus shifted, personalities disordered, breasts augmented.
Release: Feb 01 – Review: Jul 02
The Violence Of The Hams.
Ridley Scott, the brilliant director who helmed ALIEN, BLADE RUNNER and GLADIATOR, fell asleep during production and let a monkey take over.
Release: Jan 13 – Review: 24 Apr 14
… a campy, cheesy, guilty pleasure, guns-and-sorcery actioner, self-aware to a fault of all the tropes it is satirizing and paying homage to.
Release: Jun 08 – Review: 25 Jun 08
Grandiose concept + morbidly inept cast = mediocre movie.
Release: Apr 92 – Review: 10 Mar 10
… an homage to samurai, cops, westerns, and Pretty Orange Explosions; the last of his Chinese gangster flicks and the pinnacle of what made John Woo John Woo.
Release: May 06 – Review: 23 Jun 11
For Unlawful Carnal Carnage.
A man picks up the wrong underage girl to molest. Oh, he gets screwed all right – but not in the way he planned…
Release: Aug 64 – Review: 5 Aug 10
Mop toppery mockery.
A legendary band, The Beatles, in a crap film, A HARD DAY’S NIGHT, that resonates as legendary because The Beatles are in it.
Release: Jun 03 – Review: 28 Dec 10
At long last, an Australian crime actioner with all the guts and grit of any British or American film of this genre.
Release: Jul 04 – Review: 31 Aug 14
Inhale. Sit back. Enjoy.
… the stoner film just waiting to exhale after Cheech and Chong retired their bong with STILL SMOKIN…
Release: Aug 08 – Review: 23 Apr 09
Laffing it up lamely, while the world bleeds shamely…
… deals with a topic that should not be laughed at in this moment in history. I guess I’m saying “too soon.”
Release: Nov 01 – Review: 23 Aug 14
Hogwild at Hogwarts.
… Minerva says, “This boy will be famous. There won’t be a child in our world who doesn’t know his name.” And she was right…
Release: Nov 02 – Review: 25 Aug 14
The Chamber of Feebness.
Every time the POTTER series uses arbitrary magic with no payoff or purpose, I roll my eyes and go, “Expecto Wankforus!”
Release: Jun 04 – Review: 27 Aug 14
… a confused and contradictory forced tapestry of characters and motivations that I’m sure their demographic are too young to apprehend.
Release: Nov 05 – Review: 30 Aug 14
… a laundry list of tasks performed by two-dimensional characters, told with no logic, less motivation and lots and lots of not very special effects.
Release: Nov 05 – Review: 31 Aug 14
Order off the Menu.
Forget the black-robed special effects, the most terrifying horror of all is the old white woman with the closed mind in the position of power.
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 29 Jan 15
Eight is Enough to fill our hearts with dingus.
At a snowbound outpost, eight strangers must survive the stormy night. And each other.
Release: Sep 63 – Review: 25 Nov 09
Once Upon a Scary Spinster…
Scary? In places. Silly? In more places.
Release: Jul 99 – Review: 22 Jul 14
The terror of bad direction, editing and acting.
… only reason it’s terrifying is that it illustrates how low the bar for horror movies has sunk.
Release: Mar 09 – Review: 20 Sep 09
So silly it’s scary.
… advertised as “the most terrifying movie ever made.” It is. If you’re five.
Release: Feb 13 – Review: 10 May 14
“I see black people!”
I, for one, am terrified that people actually believe this gaboon.
HEL – HOB
HELEN OF TROY
Release: Jan 56 – Review: 24 Sep 14
Jane of Troy.
Most of the time bland blond Helen is trying not to be out-prettied by effete Paris.
Release: Mar 04 – Review: 8 Aug 05
Hell-Freed, but Earth-Bound.
… for all its glitz and glam-blammo, is not a well-made movie.
HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY
Release: Jul 08 – Review: 3 Aug 08
Hell-Tilt With The Wheels Comin’ Off.
PAN’S LABYRINTH smashed up against the Cantina Scene from STAR WARS and Guillermo del Toro rode that bad boy all the way to a town called HELLBOY.
Release: Jan 11 – Review: 10 Jun 12
Even-keeled heel steals.
… movie plods along bemusedly and interestingly, much like its lead character, who takes everything with equanimity. He is, after all, The One.
Release: Feb 58 – Review: 22 Mar 18
Body of Herc.
… Mr. Universe, mighty Steve Reeves stars as the original and best HERCULES.
Release: Jul 14 – Review: 17 Aug 15
GOOD-liness over GOD-liness.
Well, at least he looks the part!
HERCULES IN NEW YORK
Release: Feb 70 – Review: 3 Jul 18
Fish Out Of Austria.
Demi-god Hercules visits New York for a lark. And it’s extremely funny. If you’re seven.
Release: Feb 59 – Review: 23 Mar 18
Hercules Delectes Peripheres.
Steve Reeves walks around looking gorgeous, and a Hercules movie is going on ‘round here somewhere.
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 18 Nov 10
Ghost stories for the sensible.
HEREAFTER is about searching for answers. Ironically, it’s about lost souls.
Release: Nov 17 – Review: 26 Oct 19
A young girl is pursued by heretics to sacrifice to their demon, and is saved by a heretic to the heretics.
Release: Jul 52 – Review: 9 Oct 11
Man-Tales of the Old West.
… transcends being a Western and is more a study in humanity’s base self-preservation instincts and herd mentality.
HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER
Release: Apr 73 – Review: 21 Apr 08
High Pains Grifter.
The Stranger from Leone’s spaghettis – reincarnated to rewrite the American West.
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
Release: Jan 06 – Review: 27 Apr 15
High School Douche-ical.
Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2
Release: Aug 07 – Review: 27 Apr 15
Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical.
… a deathwish put to the beat of teen dream.
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 16 Jun 16
High on Schrooms-ical.
… a laughing fart from the buttocks of Satan.
Release: 1986 – Review: 24 Aug 05
Sharp as a Katana, Breezy as a Kilt.
… tale is so original and well-executed, it is hard to imagine it was not culled from Scottish folk legend.
HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER
Release: Jan 1995 – Review: 19 Aug 05
There Can Be Only One… er-Three…uh- Seven? Twenty?.. I dunno, does 43 sound about right?…
Each sequel drives another vapid nail into the bottomless coffin that has become the HIGHLANDER franchise.
HILARITY FOR CHARITY 2018
Release: Apr 18 – Review: 17 Apr 18
Mediocrity For Charity.
… the acts almost undermine Rogen’s very admirable cause – raising funding for research into Alzheimer’s.
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
Release: Oct 05 – Review: Nov 05
When the Evil Twin Piques.
… surface “pulp thriller,” played hard against a psychological cyclorama…
Release: Dec 14 – Review: 9 Mar 15
When comedy beats us over the head and tells us to like it.
… we are beaten over the head with the rubber chicken that is this film.
Release: Feb 05 – Review: 4 Feb 07
This film needs a brain-frying dose of Tom Leykis.
THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
Release: Apr 05 – Review: 15 Jan 07
Mining the Diary, Missing the Madman.
… somehow, the end result of all these superior elements comes out as flollopy as a mattress from the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta.
Release: Apr 07 – Review: 24 May 07
The Barbaric Yawp of the Lunatic Fringe.
… author Clifford Irving fooled all of the people some of the time when he produced the autobiography of one of the world’s most intriguing recluses, Howard Hughes.
THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY
Release: Dec 12 – Review: 23 Dec 12
Back and There – Again…
… taking the stone-masoned words of Tolkien and amplifying them in sound and vision, with the soul of a necromancer, the magic of a wizard, and the balls of a balrog.
THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG
Release: Dec 13 – Review: 19 Dec 14
Attack of the Action Sequences.
… glorious, authentic realization of a mythic world – and it makes me wonder how many hugs some people missed as children when they refuse to accept this wondrous filmic escapism…
THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES
Release: Dec 14 – Review: 30 Dec 14
The wrath of Tolkien, the majesty of Jackson, the fickleness of Fandom.
THE HOBBIT comes to a spectacular end, to the wonderment of appreciative moviegoers and the chagrin of sniveling purists.
HOL – HUR
Release: Dec 56 – Review: 13 Sep 18
A Road Movie for the End Of The Road.
It had to happen. The last hurrah. The final Martin and Lewis movie.
Release: Sep 06 – Review: 25 Oct 06
As Powerful as a Locomotive.
And Ben Affleck is George Reeves. As they say in Joisey: “Who woulda thought?!” – Matt Damon’s wife as The Man of Steel!
Release: Mar 15 – Review: 1 Dec 15
When the aliens do the deporting…
… one of those animated kid’s comedies incognizant of how contradictory its mixed messages are, hiding behind its demographic as excuse.
Release: Oct 13 – Review: 4 Nov 18
Harry Potter and the Horns of Dilemma.
… a sui generis black comedy from the mind of Joe Hill, the son of Stephen King.
Release: Jul 11 – Review: 10 Feb 12
… three wimpy friends who have had enough of their horrible bosses and wish they had the balls to kill them. Yes, this movie has no balls.
Release: Feb 09- Review: 25 Dec 12
HORSEMEN’s revelation is its downfall.
SEVEN meets SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. A little bit of SAW and any given JASON movie thrown in.
Release: Mar 08 – Review: 26 Aug 09
For Whom the Who Tolls.
An animated feature that kids will enjoy and adults will find tiresome.
Release: Mar 05 – Review: 2 Jul 10
Like a hostage, we are captive.
… a damaged cop whose failure can be read in his sad eyes. Part John McClane, part Sean Penn, part Harrison Ford, all thespian.
Release: Apr 07 – Review: 10 May 07
… does for law enforcement what SHAUN did for the dead – bring it to life just to beat the living cliché out of it.
Release: Aug 07 – Review: 28 Sep 08
… like choking on someone else’s vomit.
Release: Mar 10 – Review: 27 Nov 10
Dive in, the water’s awesome.
Not so much H.G. Wells as Marty McFly.
Release: Sep 12 – Review: 24 Aug 13
Goolies Not Groovie.
… skews to that worn chick-flick trope of teen love against all odds. Stephenie Meyer in the front row gulping down popcorn…
Release: Sep 14 – Review: 8 Sep 14
The trick is not to fall asleep…
… fails to capture the magnitude of Houdini’s charisma, the extent of his fame, and makes him a whining mental case who was seeking some kind of redemption.
Release: Dec 13 – Review: 28 Apr 15
A Role of a Lifetime, at the end of a lifetime.
Paul Walker Hollywood Star becomes Paul Walker Actor in literally the last film of his cut-short career. Thankfully, it doesn’t affect his three-day growth.
Release: Sep 12 – Review: 3 Oct 14
The Blondes At The End Of The Boobs.
A hottie mother and her teen hottie daughter! What is there to do except kill them both?
Release: Feb 03 – Review: 23 Aug 05
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND meets Romero’s Non-Actors.
… a slasher film for the mindless and mindless at heart.
Release: Jan 59 – Review: 15 Mar 15
Comedic Horror or Horrible Comedy?
Renowned B-movie director William Castle helms this rickety cliché and writer Robb White pulls out every horror convention of the day…
Release: Oct 99 – Review: 3 May 16
… The House reveals itself to be sentient, seals them in and tries to kill them with visions, psychological trauma and bad screenwriting.
Release: Mar 10 – Review: 31 Jan 16
Spanking the Dragon.
… Dreamworks, but like the greatest Pixar productions, it has heart and soul. And fire.
Release: Jun 14 – Review: 25 Feb 16
Stop Dragon my Bewilderbeast around.
… Jay Baruchel returns as Hiccup the Viking with his small black dragon. And his pet named Toothless.
Release: Jun 03 – Review: 6 Oct 05
Shrek On Steroids.
Well, we all know what happens when Bruce Banner gets enraged: his body turns green and his pants turn purple and very, VERY elastic.
Release: Apr 10 – Review: 3 Mar 11
Pinch this one off.
Europe squeezes out a perversity that, no matter what you say about it, is pretty compelling shit! And I do mean shit.
Release: Oct 11 – Review: 14 Dec 12
Diarrhetic Daisy Chain.
… takes all that was sick and disgusting about its predecessor – and vomits it in our mouth.
Release: May 15 – Review: 28 Dec 15
Three Shits To The Wind…
Dare you witness this debauched torture-porn horror-comedy after stroking yourself to its two twisted predecessors?
Release: Mar 12 – Review: 30 Sep 14
The Dum-ber Games.
… gets caught up being a kid’s actioner with a hot chick, even though it originates as a grim commentary about class warfare. With a hot chick.
Release: Nov 13 – Review: 2 Dec 14
Starving for ideas: Catching Cold.
… forced by the Capitol to go on a Tour through the 12 Districts to rub it in everyone’s faces. And our faces too.
Release: Jun 09 – Review: 10 Aug 09
Heroic Movie about a Non-Heroic War.
… would like to believe it shows us the gritty realism of sudden death and wasted life. It does – all with hero angles.