Alpha-I (66 titles)

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 21 Sep 08

Will Smith Saves The World – Again…

Everyone on Earth is dead – but they left the CGI running.

Release: Jun 19 – Review: 20 Nov 19

Big Brother Mother.

… an Australian production that explores Nature vs. Nurture, and the age-old concept of A.I. building a better brand of human.

Release: Feb 11 – Review: 3 Mar 13

NUMBER FOUR is number two.

Like a turd falling from the sky and hitting every branch of the Cliché Tree on the way down…

Release: Jul 07 – Review: 24 Dec 09

Totally not gay.

… settles into quite a watchable comedy, with the inevitable tolerance messages delivered without making us cringe.

Release: Jan 14 – Review: 7 Sep 14

Frankenstein’s Glamster.

… a war between two immortal clans – the Gargoyles and the Demons – that could damn the fate of humankind… if only humankind gave a toss.

Release: Jul 04 – Review: 7 Dec 05

I, Gamebot.

… a tragic depravity of speculative fiction writer Isaac Asimov’s complex vision.

Release: May 19 – Review: 10 Apr 23

The Horror of Being Human.

The scariest thing in this movie is Helen Hunt’s face.

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 21 Jan 10

I think I hate this movie.

… this mighty black man looks mighty beige.

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 29 Dec 15

Not all there.

Joaquin Phoenix takes Hollywood on a long ride…

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 6 Nov 09

On its merry way to extinction…

… the third and most spectacular in the ICE AGE series – and probably the least interesting.

Release: Apr 03- Review: 29 Jul 05

Identity Cleft.

… a finely-crafted journey through the mind of a multiple personality during the course of purging his violent personas.

Release: Feb 13 – Review: 31 Jul 13

Almost as bad as being defrauded.

… an identity thief that is lovable and funny and predisposed to redemption – you lost me at apologist for motherfuckers who deserve to die slow deaths.

Release: Oct 11 – Review: 27 Dec 13

Et Tu, Gosling?

In Washington, there is really no ideology further than the retention of your job.

Release: Apr 14 – Review: 17 Sep 15

I thought I was out. But they pulled me back IN….

Chloe Grace Moretz stares at herself sleeping. I can think of worse ways to spend eternity.

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 7 Sep 06

The Distractionist.

… serves to misdirect the audience into believing that there is something more profound at stake than the Getting of Panty.

Release: Jan 10 – Review: 4 Jan 11

The Distractionarium of Heath Ledger.

… the constant distraction in the back of our heads that IMAGINARIUM – not THE DARK KNIGHT – is Ledger’s actual swan song.

Release: Jan 06 – Review: 5 Feb 09

Love at First Dyke.

Following on the heels of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN and TRANSAMERICA comes this syrupy, thoughtless, fad-awful debacle of lesbian love…

Release: Nov 11 – Review: 21 Oct 12

None More Shirtless.

No matter what you may think about IMMORTALS as a grandiose movie, a confused mythological tale, or an action fantasy diversion — goddam, it looks good!

Release: 1998 – Review: 7 Oct 05

The Geniune Article.

After the magnificently-offbeat BIG NIGHT, director Tucci unites “his” cast in another offbeat tale.

Release: Feb 08 – Review: 19 Jul 09

Quentin Tarantino’s THE ODD COUPLE.

Humor so black and ironic, it’s like stabbing nuns with the same ruler they used to rap your knuckles during piano lessons.

Release: Dec 04 – Review: 4 Jan 06

Team Mediocrity.

One day Topher Grace will learn that “acting” is not “behaving like you’re making one big apology.”

Release: Oct 67 – Review: 1 Jun 10

Before Eddie Murphy, there was MISTER Tibbs.

… the first “nigger with a badge” to do some real psychological damage to white supremacy…

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 7 May 11

So you like a little politics with your swearing…

… British comedy with corruption more insidious than SYRIANA and dialogue more fierce than PULP FICTION.

Release: Oct 19 – Review: 14 Jan 20

Mean Green.

A couple hears a boy calling for help from a field of tall grass. They go in to help. And can’t come out.

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 29 Sep 08

Into the Valley of Death.

… driving home the embarrassing metaphor that America’s Goliath is being kneecapped by the non-nuclear, stone-age fighting tactics of Iraq’s David.

Release: Oct 11 – Review: 3 Sep 14

Money is Time is Life.

… a prescient concept underlying an enjoyable actioner that seems urgently plausible because we’re actually living it now.

Release: Jul 10 – Review: 19 Apr 11

Dreaming in Black and Baby Blue.

INCEPTION. It’s dreamy.

Release: May 06 – Review: 12 Jun 06

Sunshine Superman.

…  possibly the most dangerous threat to our way of life since Dubya took the oath: global warming.

Release: Mar 13 – Review: 25 Jul 13

The Incredible Jim Carrey (and the Soporific Steve Carell).

Jim Carrey saves this movie from being unwatchable. As the edgy, bordering-on-insane street magician, he bitchslaps any semblance of comedy off Steve Carell’s whole persona.

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 4 Jul 08

Hulk movie – Smash!

… if it doesn’t knock you black and blue, it will at least slap you and call you Susan.

Release: Nov 04 – Review: 20 Jun 07

Puts the “in” credible.

The humor is wit, rather than slapstick, the heroism is moral rather than muscle-bound and the whole outlook is adult rather than kiddie…

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 19 Apr 09

The Arrogance of Independence.

“We will not go gently into the night; we will not vanish without a fight…” Somewhere an orchestra is playing; somewhere a cheese factory is dying.

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 9 Jul 08

Crystal Numbskull and the Kingdom of the Buttoned Shirt.

Written by mutton-fist Lucas, directed by No-Risk Spielberg, and starring Ford with his shirt buttoned…

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 11 Mar 10

A little less corn, a little more syrup.

From its ugly orange posters to its silly, misleading theatrical trailers, everything about THE INFORMANT is an exercise in bad marketing.

Release: Jun 09 – Review: 20 Oct 09

Blond on Bland.

Empty, bereft of soul, like its characters; a movie experience that leaves you feeling like a victim of a drive-by rape…

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 13 Feb 10

Gloriously Bastardly.

… four tenuously linked storylines eventually intertwining for the payoff. And what a payoff! A catharsis for Jewdom.

Release: Nov 1960 – Review: 9 Dec 05

…And The Wind Cries Jesus.

… come into this movie as either cognizant of Evolutionary theory or an Ignoramus who believes in talking snakes. And you’ll probably go out the same way..

Release: Mar 06 – Review:7 Apr 06

The Heistman Cometh.

… there is a robbery within a robbery in this heist, and it is that secondary robbery which gets everyone’s knickers knotted.

Release: Apr 11 – Review: 28 Oct 11

Not Normally this Para.

… one of the few modern horror films that is truly scary.

Release: Sep 13 – Review: 30 May 15

In-Silly-ous.

… you’re in for a treat of characters you don’t know appearing in places you never saw doing things you don’t care about.

Release: Jun 15 – Review: 9 Dec 16

Back to the Further.

Old lady wanders around in darkness. Gets startled by people trying to kill her. Is this INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 3 or a visit to Granny’s?

Release: Apr 78 – Review: 21 Jul 13

The Artistic Mind is a Terrible Thing to View.

… showcases not just society’s tribulations, but his own dark interior.

Release: Feb 09 – Review: 27 Jun 09

Resistance is Futile.

When one of the world’s largest international banks is discovered brokering covert arms deals with China and the Middle East… well, who’s really surprised these days?

Release: Apr 05 – Review: 20 May 06

Lost In Translation.

… so riddled with callous discrepancies and glaring flaws that it completely loses all coherence before we have time to realize how boring it is.

Release: Jan 94 – Review: 24 Nov 05

Gere Up For Double The Love.

Almost a Chick-Flick version of MEMENTO…

Release: Nov 14 – Review: 20 Nov 14

Odyssey Three: When Surfer Dudes Boldly Go…

…a pondering of purpose, a savaging of the senses, an epic odyssey…

Release: Dec 14 – Review: 27 Jan 15

The Propaganda Never Starts…

Two American talk show numbnuts score an interview with the dictator of North Korea, and try to assassinate him in the process.

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 1 Mar 09

Northern Over-Exposure.

… Christopher Johnson McCandless, who shucked off his earthly possessions, did a Henry David Thoreau and flitted into the wilds of Alaska to live off the land.

Release: Oct 03 – Review: 20 Nov 05

Surprisingly Tolerable.

George Clooney hasn’t been this funny since he was Batman.

Release: Aug 07 – Review: 25 Jun 14

Tight Skirt, Alien Cell, Big Bra.

… devolves into an exercise in prurience, as the male of the species tumescently gawks at that sweater one size too small for her straining D-bra…

Release: Dec 78 – Review: 6 Apr 09

Communist Plants in Skeletal Pants.

… a very plausible biological, rather than frontal-assault-forceful, method of invasion; like China invading America with knowledge rather than combat.

Release: Dec 52 – Review: 12 Oct 14

Cold War Mongering.

… terrorizing the populace into believing that if they don’t Bow Down Ass Up to the American government, their lives would be ended by Russians…

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 28 Jan 10

More Invention Required.

… starts as a fantastic original idea, fleshed into hilarious absurdity by Gervais, then slips in the puddle of Romantic Comedy…

Release: Dec 09 – Review: 28 Mar 11

Pigskin Parable.

Morgan Freeman gets South Africa to cheer together in a funny accent.

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 5 Apr 07

Vince-ible.

… one of those “Inspired by a True Story” films that is itself geared to inspire. Grimace.

Release: Apr 16 – Review: 25 Sep 19

If this is dinner, I can’t wait for dessert.

… a coiled spring that explodes in your face just when you think it’s safe to leave the party unscathed.

Release: Jan 12 – Review: 3 Sep 13

The Mannish, The Myth, The Legend.

If you watch THE IRON LADY with no prior knowledge of Margaret Thatcher’s policies, don’t worry, you’ll leave the movie the same way.

Release: Apr 09 – Review: 7 Dec 11

Maiden Voyage.

An incredible Iron Maiden backstage pass! For fans, non-fans and devil-worshippers alike.

Release: May 08 – Review: 17 May 08

Man of Steel, Ethics of Plastic.

… a steel-belted planet-crusher of a film; alloy feet on the ground, red-and-gold armor streaking for sub-orbital skies.

Release: May 10 – Review: 23 Jun 10

Jumping The Stark.

… suffers from cramming us with characters and classic storylines in its desperate need to impress. My hole feels stretched. Not in that good way either.

Release: May 13 – Review: 18 Jun 2013

Phallus Metallus.

… the filmmakers have pitted Tony Stark in a battle against his own suit over who owns the penis in the family.

Release: Jun 05 – Review: 6 Dec 10

Attack of the Clones.

… being cultivated for rich people as “harvestable beings” for their body parts. And who wouldn’t want body parts from Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson?

Release: Nov 90 – Review: 20 Oct 17

The B-Actors’ Club.

… presented as a mini-series that spanned over three hours in two parts, it suffers the fate of every production made for the small screen – it LOOKS small screen!

Release: Sep 17 – Review: 30 Nov 17

He pronouned me…

The children of a small town are terrorized by a demon, until they realize they can simply beat the shit out of it.

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 10 Mar 11

Whole Lotta Bruv.

Three warriors from three countries, three different attacks, brothers in arms and axes, a very cool docu-movie muso-mentary.

Release: Dec 09 – Review: 25 Dec 10

Glengarry Glen Ruse.

Writer-director Nancy Meyers discovers in her late 50s what all men realize in their early 20s – that you can ALWAYS go back to previous panty.