JAC – JCV
Release: Dec 12 – Review: 29 Aug 13
Reaching for Grate-ness.
Jack Reacher unofficially looks into the case, bringing his esoteric military expertise and gloriously body-shaved chest.
Release: Jan 14 – Review: 27 Aug 15
… you’ve seen all this running-tilting-tickingclock-technology-spyware-malware-hostage-villain-aikido-shooting clusterfuckulation in some form or other…
Release: Oct 02 – Review: 23 Jan 06
Jockstraps and Beer.
… never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals.
Release: Sep 06 – Review: 30 Jul 11
More Jockstraps. More Beer.
Knoxville and his crew of masochists do more stupid stuff which hurts them badly and could get them killed – and film it..
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 31 Jul 11
See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much.
… someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it.
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 4 Nov 16
Diary of a Douchebag.
Guys, there’s an easier way to get your mouth near each others’ dicks: just suck each other off.
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 1 Mar 17
Turds making turds.
… this lurid amble into the lizard brain of humanity.
Release: Oct 13 – Review: 12 Jan 15
Old Fart, New Trousers.
… Johnny Knoxville finding ways to make himself and unsuspecting people look like assfaces.
Release: Jun 14 – Review: 13 Jan 15
Peeking in Grandpa’s Back Door.
… filled with outtakes, interviews, behind the scenes footage and deleted scenes of Irving Zisman creating socially-impure havoc.
Release: Nov 05 – Review: 30 Jul 07
JARHEAD is the new JACKET.
… not about bullets and bombs tearing flesh off bone, but rather the loneliness, confusion and misguided patriotism of the United States Marine.
Release: Jun 75 – Review: 7 May 09
A Whale of a Tale.
When Steven Speilberg first heard John Williams’s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing?
Release: Jun 78 – Review: 23 Feb 09
New Shark, Old Story.
We know what’s going to happen: you go in the water – you get eaten. Pretty much.
Release: Jul 83 – Review: 7 Apr 11
Terrorized by puppets and stock footage.
Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.”
Release: Jul 87 – Review: 14 Aug 14
Vengeance is Rubber.
… trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit.
Release: Jun 08 – Review: 30 May 09
Muscles from Brussels in Tussles.
… a richly layered, self-effacing, dark comedy; in a world where Van Damme’s own legend proves his undoing and his salvation.
JER – JOU
JERRY SEINFELD: 23 HOURS TO KILL
Release: May 20 – Review: 7 May 20
A made-up, bogus, not-necessary special event.
Jerry Seinfeld tries to “Carlin up” his 2020 Standup Special – and winds up just another shade of vanilla.
JERRY SEINFELD: I’M TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME
Release: Aug 98 – Review: 8 May 2020
I’m Telling You So You Won’t Waste Your Time.
… Seinfeld launches his second Standup Special with the force of an atom bomb being stopped from exploding.
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR
Release: Aug 1973 – Review: 28 Dec 05
… as reverent as it is blasphemous, as bombastic as it is humble, as god as it is zilla.
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000
Release: Mar 01 – Review: 26 Nov 05
Jesus Tapdancing Christ.
Not the definitive SUPERSTAR, yet sincere enough to uphold a grand tradition – Behold, it is good.
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2018
Release: Apr 18 – Review: 5 Apr 18
SUPERSTAR falters, as Legend lacks.
John Legend’s miscasting single-handedly brings down this otherwise very sincere, very inspiring stage production…
Release: Dec 91 – Review: 22 Mar 14
… you can either accept the fact this truth-seeking movie exists, or whine like a petty hyena nibbling around the kill of a feasting lion, because it’s not what you were told to think.
JIM & ANDY: THE GREAT BEYOND
Release: Nov 17 – Review: 23 Dec 17
Of Comedy and Molecules.
Introspective prophet Jim Carrey sits down with his beard and reminisces about the takeover of his body by Andy Kaufman while filming MAN ON THE MOON.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 25 Dec 12
Jangles the nerves.
… Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian.
Release: Aug 13 – Review: 14 Apr 15
Dude, Where’s My Computer?
An uninspiring movie about an inspiring innovator…
Release: Jul 72 – Review: 17 Aug 10
… Eastwood being himself, doing all those outlandish things only Clint can get away with in a Clint Eastwood movie…
JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO
Release: Mar 90 – Review: 23 Nov 05
Long before CAST AWAY, Hanks here finds himself adrift on an endless ocean with nothing but a mindless entity for companionship – Meg Ryan
Release: Mar 12 – Review: 22 Oct 13
Big Green Men.
… a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes.
Release: Oct 14 – Review: 16 Feb 17
Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure.
… legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy…
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2
Release: Feb 17 – Review: 31 May 19
Baba Yaga Reloaded.
… a movie whose story is built around its innovative combat scenes.
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM
Release: May 19 – Review: 24 Jun 19
Baba Yaga’s Bogus Journey.
The hitman “business” is fully explored, but in doing so, John Wick himself is unintentionally downgraded to a small mote in a universe he once dominated.
Release: Mar 07 – Review: 7 Feb 09
You must be J-ok’ing.
… bad acting, no acting, insipid acting and some jaw-dropping in-camera special effects make J-OK’EL nigh unwatchable…
Release: Oct 19 – Review: 5 Mar 20
Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?
… a movie that follows the origin of Batman’s sauciest nemesis, yet tells us nothing about the origin of Batman’s sauciest nemesis!
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 2008
Release: Jul 08 – Review: 24 Dec 08
Serves its purpose of getting thirteen-year-old boys interested in slim blond girls with indeterminate Euro accents and tennis-ball ta-tas.
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 25 Dec 16
A mess that needs to be Miracle Mopped!
It is physical pain trying to watch JOY, as it stumbles around in the dark grasping at Inspirational Movie.
JUL – JUS
JULIE AND JULIA
Release: Aug 09 – Review: 23 Apr 11
The Cookie Monster Cometh.
Meryl Streep (as Julia Child) ululates her way through this exceptional little quasi-biopic sounding like Graham Chapman in a dress.
Release: Feb 08 – Review: 8 Oct 08
Jumping the Snark.
JUMPER is a one-trick pony that wishes it knew just one more trick.
Release: Jun 52 – Review: 14 Sep 17
Jumping to Contusions.
… marks the third time Martin and Lewis have been in the military. Army, Navy, now Paratroopers.
THE JUNGLE BOOK 2016
Release: Apr 16 – Review: 16 Apr 17
“Based on the books by Rudyard Kipling,” which means it is based on the 1967 Disney cartoon.
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 5 Mar 10
Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin.
… the hypocrisy of the American public that would scream statutory rape when 16-year-olds are impregnated in real life and then embrace this movie as “outrageously offbeat.”
Release: Jun 93 – Review: 10 Apr 07
… the film-makers had won. We were their bitches. There could be no more stop-motion or Harryhausen after seeing the grandeur and “real-ness” of Spielberg’s saurians.
JURASSIC PARK THE LOST WORLD
Release: May 97 – Review: 22 Feb 10
Let it be known: JURASSIC PARK II was not made for its story, nor for art, nor for fans, nor for enjoyment, purely for dirty profit.
JURASSIC PARK III
Release: Jul 01 – Review: 3 Jan 10
Excitement replaced by Excrement.
… the corporations and marketers and unevolved apes who call themselves filmmakers have forgotten what made dinosaurs such a wonder in the first place.
Release: Jun 15 – Review: 20 Jun 15
… though derivative, formulaic and plagiarized, JURASSIC WORLD is still a lot of fun..
JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION
Release: Jun 22 – Review: 25 Dec 22
… its merits are cancelled out by its faults, which are as towering as the sauropods it purveys so perfectly.
JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM
Release: Jun 18 – Review: 5 Jul 18
… don’t go if you are looking for an original story with three-dimensional characters. In Hollywood tentpole franchises – that’s extinct.
JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS
Release: Mar 86 – Review: 30 Nov 09
Ménage à Ted.
What happens when two MILFs discover they’re bonking the same man? Unbridled pouting.
JUST GO WITH IT
Release: Feb 11 – Review: 19 Dec 12
Going for mangina. And succeeding.
… dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed out loud many times.)
Release: Nov 17 – Review: 21 Dec 17
The League of Extraordinary Superpeeps.
An interstellar villain tries to destroy Earth, but is vanquished with punching and computer jargon, by a fresh clique of supers called the JUSTICE LEAGUE.