Alpha-J (48 titles)

Release: Dec 12 – Review: 29 Aug 13

Reaching for Grate-ness.

Jack Reacher unofficially looks into the case, bringing his esoteric military expertise and gloriously body-shaved chest.

Release: Jan 14 – Review: 27 Aug 15

Bourne Impossible.

… you’ve seen all this running-tilting-tickingclock-technology-spyware-malware-hostage-villain-aikido-shooting clusterfuckulation in some form or other…

Release: Oct 02 – Review: 23 Jan 06

Jockstraps and Beer.

… never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals.

Release: Sep 06 – Review: 30 Jul 11

More Jockstraps. More Beer.

Knoxville and his crew of masochists do more stupid stuff which hurts them badly and could get them killed – and film it..

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 31 Jul 11

See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much.

… someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it.

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 4 Nov 16

Diary of a Douchebag.

Guys, there’s an easier way to get your mouth near each others’ dicks: just suck each other off.

Release: Apr 11 – Review: 1 Mar 17

Turds making turds.

… this lurid amble into the lizard brain of humanity.

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 12 Jan 15

Old Fart, New Trousers.

… Johnny Knoxville finding ways to make himself and unsuspecting people look like assfaces.

Release: Jun 14 – Review: 13 Jan 15

Peeking in Grandpa’s Back Door.

… filled with outtakes, interviews, behind the scenes footage and deleted scenes of Irving Zisman creating socially-impure havoc.

Release: Nov 05 – Review: 30 Jul 07

JARHEAD is the new JACKET.

… not about bullets and bombs tearing flesh off bone, but rather the loneliness, confusion and misguided patriotism of the United States Marine.

Release: Jun 75 – Review: 7 May 09

A Whale of a Tale.

When Steven Speilberg first heard John Williams’s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing?

Release: Jun 78 – Review: 23 Feb 09

New Shark, Old Story.

We know what’s going to happen: you go in the water – you get eaten. Pretty much.

Release: Jul 83 – Review: 7 Apr 11

Terrorized by puppets and stock footage.

Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.”

Release: Jul 87 – Review: 14 Aug 14

Vengeance is Rubber.

… trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit.

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 30 May 09

Muscles from Brussels in Tussles.

… a richly layered, self-effacing, dark comedy; in a world where Van Damme’s own legend proves his undoing and his salvation.

Release: May 20 – Review: 7 May 20

A made-up, bogus, not-necessary special event.

Jerry Seinfeld tries to “Carlin up” his 2020 Standup Special – and winds up just another shade of vanilla.

Release: Aug 98 – Review: 8 May 2020

I’m Telling You So You Won’t Waste Your Time.

… Seinfeld launches his second Standup Special with the force of an atom bomb being stopped from exploding.

Release: Aug 1973 – Review: 28 Dec 05

Nails It.

… as reverent as it is blasphemous, as bombastic as it is humble, as god as it is zilla.

Release: Mar 01 – Review: 26 Nov 05

Jesus Tapdancing Christ.

Not the definitive SUPERSTAR, yet sincere enough to uphold a grand tradition – Behold, it is good.

Release: Apr 18 – Review: 5 Apr 18

SUPERSTAR falters, as Legend lacks.

John Legend’s miscasting single-handedly brings down this otherwise very sincere, very inspiring stage production…

Release: Dec 91 – Review: 22 Mar 14

Conspiracy Clearly.

… you can either accept the fact this truth-seeking movie exists, or whine like a petty hyena nibbling around the kill of a feasting lion, because it’s not what you were told to think.

Release: Nov 17 – Review: 23 Dec 17

Of Comedy and Molecules.

Introspective prophet Jim Carrey sits down with his beard and reminisces about the takeover of his body by Andy Kaufman while filming MAN ON THE MOON.

Release: Nov 96 – Review: 25 Dec 12

Jangles the nerves.

… Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian.

Release: Aug 13 – Review: 14 Apr 15

Dude, Where’s My Computer?

An uninspiring movie about an inspiring innovator…

Release: Jul 72 – Review: 17 Aug 10

Just Kidding.

… Eastwood being himself, doing all those outlandish things only Clint can get away with in a Clint Eastwood movie…

Release: Mar 90 – Review: 23 Nov 05

Sacrificial Ham.

Long before CAST AWAY, Hanks here finds himself adrift on an endless ocean with nothing but a mindless entity for companionship – Meg Ryan

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 22 Oct 13

Big Green Men.

… a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes.

Release: Oct 14 – Review: 16 Feb 17

Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure.

… legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy…

Release: Feb 17 – Review: 31 May 19

Baba Yaga Reloaded.

… a movie whose story is built around its innovative combat scenes.

Release: May 19 – Review: 24 Jun 19

Baba Yaga’s Bogus Journey.

The hitman “business” is fully explored, but in doing so, John Wick himself is unintentionally downgraded to a small mote in a universe he once dominated.

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 7 Feb 09

You must be J-ok’ing.

… bad acting, no acting, insipid acting and some jaw-dropping in-camera special effects make J-OK’EL nigh unwatchable…

Release: Oct 19 – Review: 5 Mar 20

Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?

… a movie that follows the origin of Batman’s sauciest nemesis, yet tells us nothing about the origin of Batman’s sauciest nemesis!

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 24 Dec 08

Hitting Bottom.

Serves its purpose of getting thirteen-year-old boys interested in slim blond girls with indeterminate Euro accents and tennis-ball ta-tas.

Release: Dec 15 – Review: 25 Dec 16

A mess that needs to be Miracle Mopped!

It is physical pain trying to watch JOY, as it stumbles around in the dark grasping at Inspirational Movie.

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 23 Apr 11

The Cookie Monster Cometh.

Meryl Streep (as Julia Child) ululates her way through this exceptional little quasi-biopic sounding like Graham Chapman in a dress.

Release: Feb 08 – Review: 8 Oct 08

Jumping the Snark.

JUMPER is a one-trick pony that wishes it knew just one more trick.

Release: Jun 52 – Review: 14 Sep 17

Jumping to Contusions.

… marks the third time Martin and Lewis have been in the military. Army, Navy, now Paratroopers.

Release: Apr 16 – Review: 16 Apr 17

Bare Man-cessitites.

“Based on the books by Rudyard Kipling,” which means it is based on the 1967 Disney cartoon.

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 5 Mar 10

Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin.

… the hypocrisy of the American public that would scream statutory rape when 16-year-olds are impregnated in real life and then embrace this movie as “outrageously offbeat.”

Release: Jun 93 – Review: 10 Apr 07

Dino Mighty.

… the film-makers had won. We were their bitches. There could be no more stop-motion or Harryhausen after seeing the grandeur and “real-ness” of Spielberg’s saurians.

Release: May 97 – Review: 22 Feb 10

Boring Roaring.

Let it be known: JURASSIC PARK II was not made for its story, nor for art, nor for fans, nor for enjoyment, purely for dirty profit.

Release: Jul 01 – Review: 3 Jan 10

Excitement replaced by Excrement.

… the corporations and marketers and unevolved apes who call themselves filmmakers have forgotten what made dinosaurs such a wonder in the first place.

Release: Jun 15 – Review: 20 Jun 15

Indominus Wrecks.

… though derivative, formulaic and plagiarized, JURASSIC WORLD is still a lot of fun..

Release: Jun 22 – Review: 25 Dec 22

Insectovorus Plotarmordon.

… its merits are cancelled out by its faults, which are as towering as the sauropods it purveys so perfectly.

Release: Jun 18 – Review: 5 Jul 18

Fallen Franchise.

… don’t go if you are looking for an original story with three-dimensional characters. In Hollywood tentpole franchises – that’s extinct.

Release: Mar 86 – Review: 30 Nov 09

Ménage à Ted.

What happens when two MILFs discover they’re bonking the same man? Unbridled pouting.

Release: Feb 11 – Review: 19 Dec 12

Going for mangina. And succeeding.

… dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed out loud many times.)

Release: Nov 17 – Review: 21 Dec 17

The League of Extraordinary Superpeeps.

An interstellar villain tries to destroy Earth, but is vanquished with punching and computer jargon, by a fresh clique of supers called the JUSTICE LEAGUE.