Alpha-K (50 titles)

Release: Jun 84 – Review: 16 Oct 10

Wax On, Whacks Off.

… yet another retelling of ROCKY. With a hero not so much Italian Stallion as Italian Ferret.

Release: Jun 86 – Review: 10 Aug 23

When Acting Happen, No Be There.

… another karate master who wants them dead, another karate student who wants to maim Doofus, and another girl who falls for the willowy Doofus even through his atrocious acting…

Release: Apr 89 – Review: 12 Aug 23

A Spock Chop to the Stupid Nerve.

… Daniel LaRusso conned into competing in a karate tournament, with a savage opponent who is no match for Daniel’s stunning mediocrity.

Release: Apr 16 – Review: 14 Mar 17

The Cat in the Black.

… master sketch comedy duo Key & Peele have made the leap to feature film, like a lion pouncing on a zebra. Or at least like a kitten pouncing on a rubber poo.

Release: Sep 15 – Review: 18 Nov 15

The Smoothest Criminal.

Director Morgan Neville perches on Keef’s shoulder, watching him insouciantly lay down tracks for his new solo blues album, while telling tall tales…

Release: Jun 70 – Review: 1 Mar 06

From Zeroes to Heroes.

Like THE DIRTY DOZEN without the meticulous planning.

Release: Apr 18 – Review: 28 May 18

Never Don’t Just Watch.

After spending his adult life saying unfunny lines written for him by other people, Kevin James writes his own unfunny lines for himself…

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 28 Sep 10

No pain. No gain.

Hardest thing for most people to admit is not that Kevorkian was performing assisted suicides; the hardest thing is to admit he was right.

Release: Apr 10 – Review: 6 Mar 11

Cuddly Carnage.

…an assault on our superhero complacencies; an adult superhero movie about kid superheroes. Satire, comedy, treachery, anarchy. ULTRA-VIOLENCE. Don’t bring the kids.

Release: Aug 13 – Review: 25 Jun 16

Kicks it up a Cerebral Notch.

… a scathing exposition on the real world consequences of superheroing in a world that is more evil and twisted than any comic universe can comprehend.

Release: Apr 07 – Review: 26 Sep 09

Shit Kicking.

I guess “comedies” like KICKIN IT OLD SCHOOL must appeal to some kind of illiterate lowbrow unschooled trailer-trash drool-toothed dipsticks, otherwise somebody fellated some major pole to get this greenlighted.

Release: May 05 – Review: 17 Jun 06

Aiming Low, Scoring Lower.

As counter-intuitive as it may seem in pitting Duvall against Ferrell as rival coaches, think how absolutely ludicrous it is to place them side by side as actors.

Release: Feb 1921 – Review: 14 Apr 11

Kid Rock.

Think of the cutest thing you ever saw: the kitten from that last YouTube video, Kate Beckinsale’s nose, the minions from DESPICABLE ME… now multiply that cuteness by 1000. You get–Jackie Coogan as THE KID.

Release: Jul 10 – Review: 22 Dec 10

When Aunties Collide.

…two teenage children of a lesbian couple in 1970s Southern California seek out their sperm donor and bring him into their family dynamic, causing untold High Maintenance freakouts.

Release: Oct 03 – Review: 13 Nov 10

Revenge is a Bumblebee.

…an epic masterpiece of simple brutal story, brutally vicious direction, viciously creative dismemberment, and revenge as cold as liquid nitrogen.

Release: Apr 04 – Review: 14 Nov 10

Bridal Power.

Like Leone on heat, like Kurosawa on angel dust, like an American pioneer, like a Japanese traditionalist, the KILL BILL saga proves there is only one person who makes movies – like Quentin Tarantino.

Release: Jul 89 – Review: 7 Sep 10

If you can see past the bullets…

…iconic action figures do their Peckinpah dance, all pulp and circumstance. They’re not real people, they’re tropes fulfilling story elements in Woo’s tribute to “honor and friendship.”

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 18 Dec 10

Same story, different models.

KILLERS was infinitely more exciting when it was called TRUE LIES. And it was funnier when it was called MR AND MRS SMITH. And didn’t someone just make this movie and call it KNIGHT AND DAY?

Release: Jul 17 – Review: 8 Sep 19

KILLING GROUND is killing it.

It might not boast the amount of sado-horror gore that these types of thrillers are known for, but it retains a darkness that enshrouds the characters at their cores.

Release: Nov 12 – Review: 27 Jul 13

The Capitalism of Killing.

Writer-director Andrew Dominik approaches an excellence in his writing and direction that is the closest thing to Tarantino without actually lazily copying him…

Release: Jun 55 – Review: 19 Oct 14

King Dinosaur Dropping.

…four ignorant doofuses travel in a child’s idea of a pointy spaceship, and discover Iowa, coming face to face with a forced-perspective iguana that they squint real hard and pretend is a Tyrannosaurus rex.

Release: Apr 33 – Review: 26 Dec 05

The King Is Dead! Long Live The King!

Unfortunately, instead of aging like a fine wine, it has aged like a Big Mac.

Release: Dec 76 – Review: 1 May 08

Ape-tastrophe!

… a guy in an ape suit walking around like a guy in an ape suit…

Release: Dec 05 – Review: 23 Dec 05

Yes! We Have No Bananas!

Pure entertainment. Twenty-five hairy-bottomed, big-dumb-galoot feet of it. And nothing else..

Release: Dec 86 – Review: 18 Jun 14

If by “Lives” you mean “Dies.”

King Kong dies in more ways than one. Dying is easy, making rubber suits look authentic is hard.

Release: Aug 62 – Review: 9 Jun 14

King Kong versus the King Of The Monsters in a battle to the meh!

Maybe in its day KING KONG VS. GODZILLA was the Ali-Frazier of giant creature battles, but now it’s the Batley Townswomen’s Guild reenactment of the battle of Pearl Harbor.

Release: Oct 61 – Review: 24 Jun 06

Jesus: The Man, The Myth, The Model.

… the definitive Catholic document: not really religious, not really holy, not really accurate. Just the way Catholics like it.

Release: Sep 90 – Review: 19 May 14

SCARFACE Lite, for those watching their gangster waistline.

That old saw about all politicians being criminals is backwards – all criminals are politicians.

Release: Dec 10- Review: 7 Nov 11

A Royale with cheese.

…a fascinating insight into a non-publicized corner of English royal history, revealing a sordid truth deeper than the question of whether the Royals ever go to the toilet.

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 16 Oct 08

My Kingdom for a (war)horse…

If LIONS FOR LAMBS was the cerebral, intelligent take on the Iraq War, THE KINGDOM is the action-packed, piss-your-pants rejoinder…

Release: Dec 63 – Review:11 Jan 14

The Sensitive 2000’s Male… 2000 B.C. that is.

…tries to recreate a point in history when the Mayans learned NOT to sacrifice. It fails in its epic sweep because, uh, well, the Mayans never did learn not to sacrifice. APOCALYPTO this ain’t…

Release: Nov 04 – Review: 4 Apr 06

A Cocksure Man.

Before the opening credits are done, Kinsey has reeled through all of George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words – and then some, showing us exactly which side of the puritan fence this film is going to burn down.

Release: Aug 16 – Review: 22 May 17

Deus Ex Magica.

… like any story driven by arbitrary magic – this technically brilliant stop-motion animated adventure ends up merely a pointless quest…

Release: Dec 2020 – Review: 14 Mar 21

KISS vs. Muhammed in a Battle to the Bitch.

… one of the biggest single rock shows on planet Earth, but there’s something much bigger at stake here: the future of live music.

Release: 1987 – Review: 16 Sep 10

The KISStory starts here.

Part history (sorry, KISStory), part mockumentary, part videos (current and vintage), part comedy, part scantily-clad women, EXPOSED is a grab bag of entertainment – like Kiss always promises…

Release: Oct 78 – Review: 4 Nov 14

From Superheroes to Superzeroes.

Rock band KISS (Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and Peter Criss) valiantly attempt to act in their first feature film, and I think that’s why people call this a horror movie.

Release: 1994 – Review: 23 Sep 14

Kicking Kissed Ass.

…home video release in conjunction with the 1994 album of the same name (Kiss My Ass: Classic Kiss Regrooved), but is a totally different rock animal. Unlike the album, it ain’t a bunch of popular bands doing KISS covers. It’s the Real Thing.

Release: Apr 03 – Review: 4 Sep 05

Elevator Muzak pumped with testicular dynamite.

It’s Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The… Opera. Like the great Godzilla matchups of old, it’s Kiss versus the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra.

Release: Dec 05 – Review: 1 Jan 14

The new War Machine is now Dressed To Kill.

…as Paul definitively states to the kids in the audience, “We were there for your parents, we were there for your brothers and sisters, and we will be there for you!” – the eternality of KISS will continue to ROCK THE NATION!

Release: Aug 92 – Review: 18 Sep 14

Hardcore hard rock.

Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of KISS at last shed their 13-17 demo façade, grow a little facial hair, swear like they mean it, and tell it like it really is. Or at least how Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley think it really is.

Release: Sep 05 – Review: 5 Jul 10

Lethal Schleppin.’

It’s like LETHAL WEAPON if Riggs and Murtaugh were totally incompetent.

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 27 Aug 08

A Wimp’s Tale.

…lauded as a movie about redemption. It is not. It is a movie about being a wimp. And how this wimp reconciles himself to being one. I guess that’s what this lily-livered society is now calling “redemption.”

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 11 Dec 10

Mission: Implausible.

As much as it thrills me to see a car flip over and miss Tom Cruise’s head by inches (even though thrills would have magnified had it connected), I’d rather see a story structured around a… well, a story.

Release: Jun 07 – Review: 10 Mar 09

Stretchmark Benchmark.

Not your average “romantic comedy” with the mandatory maudlin marriage message. KNOCKED UP is laser focused on the comedy – cos let’s face it, the “romance” is pretty much over and done once she gets “knocked up”…

Release: Mar 09 – Review: 3 Jul 13

Not Knowing what’s coming next.

…a supernatural mystery thriller ironically best appreciated by those with a Knowing of physical science, rather than by that credulous audience from whence these ideas sprung.

Release: Mar 17 – Review: 8 Apr 17

Ape-ocalypse Now…

APOCALYPSE NOW meets GODZILLA.

Release: Mar 61 – Review: 20 Jul 14

You konga be kidding me!

It’s the British King Kong!

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 21 Dec 08

Movie: Chop Socky. Message: Kung Fooey.

…the awesomeness of the Panda is diluted with the insidiousness of the Pander.

Release: Feb 98 – Review: 14 Oct 16

Don’t Believe Anything Anymore.

A documentary about Kurt Cobain, as confused, conflicted and depressing as Kurt Cobain.

Release: May 15 – Review: 6 Oct 16

Montage of Mediocrity.

Kurt Cobain’s life is documented via montage, through journal entries, cartoons, home video, live performances, talking heads and a haze of heroin.