LAD – LAW
Release: Aug 06 – Review: 18 Aug 06
Part real. Part fable. All Night.
… make-believe of the highest order, taken with a generous pinch of sandman salt and a mountainous suspension of disbelief.
Release: Mar 04 – Review: 9 Nov 10
Killer me saucy.
A farcical heist movie, with quirky characters, sharp, dark storyline and dialogue so delicious you can feed your cat with it.
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 27 Apr 09
Jules Winnfield in the ‘burbs.
… puts Jules Winnfield from PULP FICTION in a quaint suburban setting, and lets him live like his wallet: a bad mother fucker.
Release: Jun 09 – Review: 5 Jun 10
Bland of the Lost.
Ferrell’s lines seem to be less part of the script and more like some idiot making jokes at the end of your table in Denny’s at 3 a.m.
Release: Aug 75 – Review: 16 May 17
Doug versus dinos, in a battle to the rubber suit!
During World War II, German and British sailors onboard a U-boat encounter a prehistoric land where every dinosaur is trying to kill them – even the herbivores.
Release: Oct 07 – Review: 8 Sep 14
It’s a doll house – a DOLL HOUSE!
… Lars one day buys a Real Doll named Bianca, lavishes all the emotions of a real relationship on her – love, jealousy, impatience, happiness – and doesn’t have sex with her. In other words, he’s having a real relationship.
Release: Jul 10 – Review: 10 Dec 10
Bender me this, Bender!
… in juggling the ubiquitous special effects, it was all too much for Night to handle, resulting in him having a bender…
Release: Oct 01 – Review: Nov 01
The Last Farcical.
Redford launches a prison revolt, inmates rallying behind him due to his iron-fisted reputation and rakish good looks.
Release: Sep 13 – Review: 3 Sep 15
Martian Cold War.
Life not as we know it takes down a Martian expedition. It’s a cold, people. Bacteria. Great, and I forgot to pack the Vicks Vaporub…
Release: Aug 10 – Review: 5 Feb 11
Here There Be Redneck Demons.
… a refreshing take on the old staple of possessed young girls and the preachers who love to exorcise them.
Release: Mar 13 – Review: 3 Sep 13
Not really “Last” and not really “Exorcism.”
… soon enough, Nell is floating off the bed, bent over backwards in that double-jointed manner that we men find so attractive.
Release: Mar 09 – Review: 21 Sep 09
Ingmar Bergman is spinning in the last grave on the left…
Whereas Bergman’s film focused on the STORY, Iliadis’s film – like Craven’s before it – focuses on the GORY.
Release: Sep 06 – Review: 28 May 07
… a scary fictional tale about a scarier real dictator.
Release: Mar 64 – Review: 9 Jul 19
The Last Acting Class On Earth.
… to the insipid performances and absolutely atrocious editing, LAST MAN ON EARTH is a stab at classic cinema gone horribly awry.
Release: Oct 71 – Review: 31 May 10
To Live and Die in Hicksville.
Sex in a small town. And more sex. And more sex…
Release: Dec 03 – Review: 2 Apr 06
… a grandiose film, sweeping, majestic, inspiring – even WITH Tom Cruise in it.
Release: Aug 18 – Review: 22 Jan 20
Shark Fin Stupe.
… about time they stopped cheapening the human species with SHARKNADO releases, and put a bullet through the head of this exploitative, intelligence-depleting franchise.
Release: Jan 13 – Review: 12 Jan 15
Arnold’s Back! And he’s… uh, just a guy.
He conquered Thulsa Doom, hunted down a Predator and terminated Terminators. Now, Arnold Schwarzenegger faces his greatest foe – a Spanish guy in a sports car.
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 14 Mar 10
… and Justice for none.
… starts as a very satisfactory, righteous vigilante story and turns into a one-dimensional vendetta that involves Clyde blowing stuff up, Hollywood style.
Release: Feb 15 – Review: 21 Oct 15
Dead On Arrival.
… about a team of scientists trying to bring people back from the dead, ironically loses its effect when the person brought back from the dead starts killing people.
LEG – LIV
Release: Jan 14 – Review: 3 Oct 16
Homer meets Chippendale’s.
The movie 300 had rough dungeon sex with GLADIATOR and they had a dim-witted child called THE LEGEND OF HERCULES.
Release: Sep 10 – Review: 7 Aug 11
Owling at the Moon.
… epic and poignant and majestic and cute in all the right owly ways.
Release: Jan 10 – Review: 9 Jan 11
Aimed at bible freaks who think mankind has preferential standing with a deity who is powerful enough to create the universe yet unable to wipe out five humans at a truck stop.
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 16 Apr 14
Will knock your block off!
… a riotous brick house of bedazzlement.
Release: Nov 94 – Review: 25 May 14
Angel and the Bad Man.
If cuteness has a forbidden name – then, oh Christ! It must be Natalie Portman!
Release: Nov 87 – Review: 6 Jun 11
High and Mighty or just Mighty High?
Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz spend their time looking for Robert Downey Jr. who’s whacked out on drugs and prostituting himself.
Release: Dec 06 – Review: 2 Feb 07
The Devil Wears Red, White and Blue.
… culturally, philosophically and artistically one of the great Japanese films. Made in America.
Release: Mar 89 – Review: 16 May 11
Three words describe LEVIATHAN: Abyss, Alien, Thing.
Release: Mar 97 – Review: 23 Aug 10
Awesome Carrey. That’s no lie.
Release: Nov 12 – Review: 21 Jan 14
The Gripe with Pi.
… with the muck of God pervading every second line of dialogue, it makes me want to crucify somebody.
Release: Jul 14 – Review: 13 Sep 15
The 24-frames-per-second Life.
Roger Ebert excelled at something that everyone thinks they can do, but which no one did better.
Release: Mar 11 – Review: 12 Aug 11
Full Frontal Lobity.
A super-man tale, where the protagonist is suddenly faster, smarter, stronger; a regular Steve Austin (without the boing-oing-oing-oing sounds).
Release: Nov 12 – Review: 28 Sep 13
When Republicans bore resemblance to the human species…
… portraying a canny politician, an affectionate father, a legendary hero, a fallible man, and the world’s most famous beard (besides Nicole Kidman).
Release: Dec 16 – Review: 19 Jun 18
… Saroo Brierley, 25 years later, tracks down his biological mother in India through the magic of Google Earth. And a privileged white lifestyle.
Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Oct 08
Roaring Thunder for Republican Muttonheads.
… a wake up call to America – wake up and smell the lunatic euphemisms the Republican administration is shoveling down your incognizant throat!
Release: Jul 07 – Review: 23 Jul 07
In Bruce We Trust.
… a ramped, incendiary, chest-beater of a thriller and surely the best Boy’s Movie of the summer…
Release: Jul 54 – Review: 6 Oct 17
Sham – Wow!
Homer’s not really dying. His doctor made up the disease by mistake – and continues the ruse to keep LIVING IT UP …
LO – LUC
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 2 Jan 13
Lo and Behold.
… about summoning demons, selling souls and whipping pussies.
Release: Mar 99 – Review: 4 Nov 06
LOCK, STOCK comes at us with two smoking barrels.
… the work of a film-maker who remembers that movies are, first and foremost, Entertainment.
Release: Mar 17 – Review: 7 Apr 17
Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter…
Sad, somber and ultra-violent, LOGAN is truly – as Hugh Jackman hoped – the UNFORGIVEN of superhero movies…
Release: Mar 16 – Review: 25 Dec 17
Secret Service Superman.
… a gritty actioner that puts the American president in peril, so his bromantic bodyguard can save him.
Release: Jul 13 – Review: 12 Feb 16
A stranger Ranger.
… numerous sad nods to the Native Americans’ cruel treatment at the hands of white “pioneers” – a message that would be infinitely more impactful if a WHITE MAN were not playing a RED MAN!
Release: Oct 62 – Review: 4 Jun 13
The Longest Fey.
… not jingoistic, but numbly patriotic. It unapologetically glamorizes war and the men who love to die in it.
Release: Oct 15 – Review: 23 Oct 18
Mein Komödie Kampf.
… a scathing portent of how ignorance and stupidity can unravel a nation when a person with overbearing charisma appears to the Low Information Sheep who need a leader to guide them.
Release: Dec 01 – Review: Feb 02
The Bling’s The Thing.
… The Fellowship, a ragtag troupe made up of a Wizard (Gandalf), an Elf (Legolas), a Dwarf (Gimli), four Hobbits (headed by Frodo Baggins), a Human (Boromir), and a sex symbol dripping with man-sweat (Aragorn).
Release: Dec 02 – Review: 13 Jan 10
When Wizards Collide.
… Middle-earth’s middle film (the red-headed child of Peter Jackson’s nonpareil RINGS trilogy)…
Release: Dec 03 – Review: 18 Dec 04
deus ex tolkiena.
The wealth of creative staff employed by Jackson brought a depth to the visualization of Tolkein’s wonders that Tolkein himself would never have had the capacity to envision.
Release: 1965 – Review: 28 Apr 18
LOST tries to find its way…
It’s LOST IN SPACE without Dr. Smith and the Robot, therefore 20% less fruity fun!
Release: Sep 65 – Review: 26 Apr 18
Lost in Nostalgia.
The Space Family Robinson, on a pioneering flight to Alpha Centauri, is swerved off course by an evil gay doctor and a bubble-headed booby.
Release: Mar 67 – Review: 24 May 18
Will Robinson and Dr. Smith go into the body of the Robot, grown gigantic, and get trapped as the Robot starts to shrink – in the most terrifying LOST IN SPACE episode ever. At least, for ten-year-old boys.
Release: Apr 98 – Review: 1 Jun 18
Lost In Act Three.
… blasts off as a well-produced science fiction adventure, then gets lost loster than its lostest characters.
Release: Apr 18 – Review: 2 May 18
Handsome, Pretty Handsome.
… rebooted as an enjoyable Netflix series, capturing all the dynamics of the original show, and leaving out the camp and the bubble-headed booby.
Release: Jun 25 – Review: 10 Apr 17
In the beginning, God said, Let there be Willis…
… the Big Bang of dinosaur/monster movies. We trace a direct line from this seminal film all the way through every iteration and pale imitator of KING KONG, GODZILLA, and JURASSIC PARK.
Release: Jul 60 – Review: 26 Apr 09
… definitely FOR ten-year-olds, seemingly made BY ten-year-olds.
Release: Jul 00 – Review: 21 Jun 07
Aiming for mediocre – and succeeding.
Another savagely average boy-girl “romantic comedy” with nothing new to say, nothing profound to offer and nothing remotely involving….
Release: Jun 08 – Review: 23 Feb 09
Half-Spreading the Love.
… another excuse for Mike Myers to act unutterably stupid – and get paid for it.
Release: Sep 09 – Review: 27 Feb 10
Two blond white American upper-class people fall in love. Through all the adversity of being blond and white and American…
Release: Aug 60 – Review: 18 May 17
The Pussywhipping Of Hercules.
Jayne Mansfield’s canned-ham breasts seduce Mickey Hargitay’s petite skirt and oiled pecs …
Release: Apr 06 – Review: 25 Nov 06
… if there is such a thing as “too hip,” Paul McGuigan’s LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN would be choking on its own faux street cred.