MAC – MAT
Release: Sep 10 – Review: 17 Apr 11
Carving a niche for immigration heroes.
… Danny Trejo brings his battleground face to the title role of Robert Rodriguez’s hilariously vicious MACHETE.
Release: Oct 13 – Review: 23 Aug 14
Cutting Coyote Comedy.
I can’t tell whether MACHETE KILLS is stupider than EXPENDABLES 2 or smarter than JACK REACHER.
Release: Apr 14 – Review: 23 Apr 15
Too intelligent for its steel jugs.
A female robot with artificial intelligence! In other words, a female.
MACHINE GUN PREACHER
Release: Nov 11 – Review: 17 Jul 15
Rebel With A Cause.
Sam Childers is doing the greatest of things (rescuing children) for the stupidest of reasons (God).
Release: Apr 79 – Review: 28 Jul 15
Arc of a Driver.
Mel Gibson is mad. We know that now. But in 1979, he was madder.
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
Release: May 15 – Review: 23 Jun 15
Car Chase as Metaphor for a Brave Mad World.
… a ballet of fiery incandescence, a violent visual poem of psycho-licious demolition derby.
Release: May 05 – Review: 16 Apr 07
Mad at Gascar.
The action is loud, slapstick, colorful and – unless you are eight – generally unfunny.
Release: Jul 98 – Review: 7 Dec 06
“What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?”
This movie is the severed horse’s head bleeding all over the pajamas of intelligent moviegoers everywhere.
Release: Jun 12 – Review: 30 Jul 13
Sweat, Flesh, Booze, Drugs, wife-swapping, dry humping, backstabbing… who wants breakfast?
Don’t bullshit me! You came here to see Channing Tatum dance!
MAGIC MIKE XXL
Release: Jul 15 – Review: 12 Mar 16
… monumental bronze-bodied waste of time…
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
Release: Nov 60 – Review: 20 Feb 20
Far East becomes Old West.
Katanas become guns, samurai become gunslingers, Far East becomes Old West.
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN 2016
Release: Sep 16 – Review: 27 Nov 16
The Magnificent Minorities.
… director Antoine Fuqua, praying at the altar of Kurosawa, Leone and Eastwood, crafts a majestic modern take on this paean to mythical heroes.
THE MAIDEN HEIST
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 20 Nov 09
The Passion of The Heist.
A quaint little heist comedy, with a nifty romantic resolution…
THE MAJOR AND THE MINOR
Release: Sep 42 – Review: 26 Oct 17
A grown woman poses as an 11-year-old girl to buy a half-fare train ticket. And everyone tries to fuck her.
Release: Nov 92 – Review: 11 Feb 09
Malcolm in the Shizzle.
Before MLK, Before O, there was – X.
Release: May 14 – Review: 6 Jan 17
Malevolent CGI and Magnificent Stupidity.
Sleeping Beauty. The tale you’ve been inculcated with has been turned on its head. And it’s still idiotic.
Release: Oct 18 – Review: 1 Mar 19
The ghosts ain’t the things to be afraid of…
… the greatest reveal in MALEVOLENT brings it crashing down to a very real horrifying place here on Earth…
Release: Aug 18 – Review: 2 Mar 19
Para-psychosis, para-demons and para-actors.
After a miscarriage, a woman and her husband have visions of that dead baby daughter…
THE MAN FROM BEYOND
Release: Apr 22 – Review: 25 Jun 14
The Man Beyond Men playing a Man from Beyond.
The only academic reason to watch this film is for its star: The Escapist, The King Of Handcuffs, The Man Of Marvels, The Mysteriarch – Harry Houdini!
MAN OF STEEL
Release: Jun 2013 – Review: 1 Jul 13
Kneel Before Steel.
Darkness, moral ambiguity, self-doubt, wearing underpants inside the trousers: these are things not commonly associated with Superman.
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM
Release: Dec 55 – Review: 21 Jul 14
The Ham With The Golden Charm.
… his ex-girlfriend won’t stop being hot, his lowlife “business associates” won’t stop bugging him to deal cards, and his pusher won’t stop living just across the street!
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN
Release: Dec 74 – Review: 20 May 20
Moore suave, Moore sexual, Moore savage!
Roger Moore slams into his second thrilling James Bond 007 actioner…
Release: Apr 79 – Review: 13 Jun 10
On the island city of MANHATTAN, Woody Allen’s masterful study of how every person is an island.
MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE
Release: Nov 66 – Review: 10 Dec 14
Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it.
… holds a unique attraction, a certain unkempt panache that brings us back time and again aching for more. Emphasis on aching.
Release: Jan 11 – Review: 23 Sep 12
Shark Poop Swim Eat.
… what might have happened at the desk of Any Given Analyst when he first discovered that the unethical practices his firm was ensconced in were about to turn around and bite the world in the ass.
MARGOT AT THE WEDDING
Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Apr 09
The Family that frays together…
What do you get when you reunite two high maintenance sisters after years of not speaking to each other? Higher maintenance.
MARLEY AND ME
Release: Dec 08 – Review: 27 Apr 09
The Pursuit of Crappyness.
I guess dog lovers think this is funny? Like Hurricane Katrina was funny to New Orleans.
Release: Oct 15 – Review: 31 Oct 15
Home Alone 6: Kevin on Mars.
Well, he’s not really a Martian. He’s an Earthling. And he’s overstaying his visit on Mars without a Green Card.
Release: Aug 64 – Review: 31 Dec 13
The chances of a modern kid over seven years old being able to sit still through this old-world LSD Dickensian fancy-mare are as slim as Dick Van Dyke nailing a British accent.
MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN
Release: Nov 94 – Review: 27 Oct 16
… fevered, overwrought encomium to mad scientists and the monsters they create.
Release: Sep 12 – Review: 17 Sep 14
Joaquin Phoenix meets Philip Seymour Hoffman and all Asgard and Midgard tremble in their Acting wake.
Release: Jan 06 – Review: 2 Sep 06
… Allen’s subtexts in this movie are hilarious for their blackness…
THE MAZE RUNNER
Release: Sep 14 – Review: 23 Feb 16
This is how we Pac Man now.
… filled with sprinting and fighting and loud soundtrack, and I guess that’s why the only girl in this sausage-fest looks like Kristen Stewart.
MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS
Release: Sep 15 – Review: 5 Jul 16
Out of the maze, and out of ideas.
Well, there’s no maze, no scorch and no trials.
ME – MOD
ME, MYSELF AND IRENE
Release: Jun 00 – Review: Oct 01
So Much Effort, So Little Movie.
Jim Carrey in another 10-star performance. Alas, for a mere 6-star movie.
MEET THE BLACKS
Release: Apr 16 – Review: 15 May 17
If you haven’t seen THE PURGE, then the premise of MEET THE BLACKS will be even less funny than it already is.
MEET THE FOCKERS
Release: Dec 04 – Review: 9 Apr 06
There are two big laughs in MEET THE FOCKERS – but I can’t remember where they are.
Release: Mar 01 – Review: 28 Nov 06
The Reverse Genius Principle.
Christopher Nolan has crafted a film where the clues to a murder fall neatly OUT of place. Backwards.
THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS
Release: Nov 09 – Review: 28 Jun 11
The Film That Stares Into Space.
… how your tax dollars were misappropriated by the George W. Bush administration to make the Fake War On Terror even faker.
Release: Mar 27 – Review: 27 Mar 14
Fritz Lang and Karl Marx had a nightmare-child…
… an ancient German expressionist film set in the future – but its message is as current as bank bailouts destroying the world economy.
THE MIDNIGHT SKY
Release: Dec 20 – Review: 7 Jan 21
Tragedy Insufferably Painted as Redemption.
… indecisive on whether to be a human drama set in space, or a science fiction film loaded with human drama. It ends up sacrificing both genres to George Clooney’s beard.
Release: Jul 19 – Review: 6 Apr 20
Ain’t no cure for the Sommartime Blues.
Five college kids travel to Sweden for a midsummer festival. Oops! It’s a pagan cult. A good way to get yourself killed. Or to break up with your boyfriend.
Release: Jun 76 – Review: 5 Jul 11
Midway between “average” and “annoying crap.”
Director Jack Smight has a TV movie on his hands that he believes will be fleshed out by his “movie stars”…
MIGHTY JOE YOUNG
Release: Jul 49 – Review: 26 Jun 14
If KING KONG and Disney had a deformed baby…
… if you wondered how KING KONG might’ve looked with a happy ending, look no further than MIGHTY JOE YOUNG.
Release: Nov 08 – Review: 9 Apr 09
… Harvey Milk, the first gay official elected to public office in the Close-minded United Hypocrite States of America.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Release: Jan 05 – Review: 19 Jul 10
Punch drunk love.
Clint Eastwood’s magnificent tone-poem of determination, respect, redemption, salvation, loyalty… oh, and there’s some boxing and stuff…
MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET 1994
Release: Nov 94 – Review: 30 Mar 06
A Muddle-Headed Miracle.
… one of those well-intentioned “dangerous” movies which purport to wholesome “family” entertainment, whilst insidiously intimating that intelligence and reason are only for fools.
MIRROR MIRROR 2012
Release: Mar 12 – Review: 31 May 14
Snow Shite and the Repression Dwarfs.
A retelling of Snow White from the wicked queen’s point of view. Which means MIRROR MIRROR makes as much sense as every other point of view – none.
Release: May 96 – Review: 16 Feb 17
Cruisin’ for a Contusion.
… De Palma and Cruise ratchet the suspense to mind-bending proportions with updated technology, judicious editing and dangling man-toy.
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2
Release: May 00 – Review: 6 Apr 12
Highway to the Ambivalent Zone.
John Woo does to the franchise what Joel Schumacher did to Tim Burton’s BATMAN franchise – gay it up.
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III
Release: May 06 – Review: 8 Feb 17
The Running Spy.
If you like running, you’ll love MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III. Because that’s all that Tom Cruise seems to be doing in it.
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT
Release: Jul 18 – Review: 26 Sep 18
People Shooting Other People from Offscreen.
I bought a ticket to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT, but I seem to have walked into the TOM CRUISE STUNTMAN EPK.
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – ROGUE NATION
Release: Jul 15 – Review: 29 Aug 15
Tom Cruise is once again Ethan Hunt. IMF Superspy. And I-do-my-own-stunts lunatic.
MISSION TO MARS
Release: Mar 00 – Review: 29 May 06
Mission To Farce.
… so many misdemeanors, misrepresentations, misapplied physics laws, missteps and misapprehension of spacefaring dialect that one wonders which second-grader took three months off school to helm it.
Release: Jan 14 – Review: 12 Feb 14
On Planet Mitt, no one can hear you fake-laugh…
… a fly-on-the-wall, BLAIR WITCH, 90-minute, found-footage B-roll that says nothing and goes nowhere.
Release: Jun 56 – Review: 3 Dec 09
Taming the Beast of Man.
So there I am, big white sperm whale, enjoying the ocean green, going about my whaley business, when along comes Cap’n Ahab and harpoons me!
Release: Feb 36 – Review: 9 Sep 14
The Future Back Then.
Little Tramp meets Little Trampette, and all Industrial Revolution breaks loose!
MON – MY
MONEY FROM HOME
Release: Dec 53 – Review: 4 Aug 18
Martin and Lewis on the money!
… action-comedy plot is refreshing in its tightness, with all the Martin-Lewis gags performed organically within the story…
Release: Sep 11 – Review: 21 Jul 13
When Statistics Became Sexy.
…”How can you not be romantic about baseball?” which is ironic, because he just spent the whole movie deconstructing The Great American Pastime’s romanticism with “sabermetrics”…
THE MONSTER 2016
Release: Oct 16 – Review: 25 Jan 19
Tropes on a Forest Road.
Mother and daughter on road trip. Breakdown on deserted road. Monster attack. That’s about it…
Release: Jun 06 – Review: 20 Feb 07
Adults will be technically delighted, teens might be somewhat amused and little kids won’t even conceptualize the psychotic horror beneath the surface scares.
Release: May 05 – Review: 18 May 06
Dogwalker Meets Bitch.
… Fonda’s family name deserves better than to be sullied with moronic sewage spill such as this.
MONSTERS VS ALIENS
Release: Mar 09 – Review: 24 Oct 09
… funny characters and a straightforward storyline that kiddies will understand. Yet it fails for a fundamental reason – it advocates Guantánamo Bay!
MONTY PYTHON: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING RATHER SIMILAR
Release: Jun 14 – Review: 9 Feb 15
Monty Python – The Autumn Years.
IT’S. Monty Python’s Flying Circus 2014. Oh, and one of them’s been dead for over 25 years like a very naughty boy.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
Release: Mar 75 – Review: 4 Aug 07
How we know the Earth to be Banana-Shaped.
… Python schools Hollywood on the Shakespearean value of playing all the parts yourselves, and using really, really silly voices.
Release: Jul 09 – Review: 30 Mar 10
… an intelligent, thoughtful, unsettling, dialogue-driven drama and the first true science fiction movie in a light year.
Release: Jun 79 – Review: 30 Nov 13
… doesn’t so much craft a story as create a series of fine messes that Bond must get out of, with no thought to logic, continuity, motivation or plot.
Release: Apr 10 – Review: 2 Apr 14
Like a Moth to a Lame…
… the eponymous man-moth returns to the small town of Point Pleasant to avenge a murder that has gone unpunished. And all cheap special effects break loose.
THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES
Release: Jan 02 – Review: 28 Oct 12
Of gods and mothmen.
Big moth! Big mystery!
Release: Jan 13 – Review: 23 Jul 14
Disgusting Inappropriate Filthy Hilarious Hellspawn Godsend.
… will offend, distress, embarrass, infuriate, ejaculate, and give you anal warts.
MR AND MRS SMITH
Release: Jun 05 – Review: 18 May 08
Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to popcorn and die – that’s how stupid this movie treats us.
MR BLUE SKY
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 17 Jul 13
Into The Blue…
… singer, songwriter, producer, guitarist, vocalist, keyboardist, control freak, all-round nice guy, and (according to Paul McCartney) total twat – Jeff Lynne.
Release: Jun 07 – Review: 3 Feb 09
… Kevin Costner dives into the psychotic title character with a violinist’s verve.
MR HOLLANDS OPUS
Release: Jan 96 – Review: 17 Mar 10
A well-intentioned redemption movie that follows all its formulas sweetly, then tries one last tear-jerk that just makes us feel dirty…
MR PEABODY AND SHERMAN
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 15 Sep 15
A Dogsbody and his Peaboy.
Thrilling adventures, comical characters and excellent animation, coupled with careless mixed messages, makes MR. PEABODY & SHERMAN a bittersweet doggie biscuit.
Release: Apr 16 – Review: 2 Dec 16
Ms. Overcute Overdone.
… Kendrick overdoes the cuteness by a factor of ten Hello Kittys…
MR SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON
Release: Oct 39 – Review: 31 Oct 09
Pure as the driven ho.
… relies on the age-old tactic of being a drama queen to get through the armor of corrupt politicians.
Release: Sep 07 – Review: 18 Dec 08
It’s BAD SANTA meets any Will Ferrell sports movie. Which means it’s Billy Bob Thornton in a comedy that really sucks.
Release: May 13 – Review: 18 Jul 14
Love hurts/stinks/uplifts: message clear as mud.
His name is Mud. And his name is pretty much mud. And the movie is MUD. Now isn’t that convenient?!
THE MULE 2018
Release: Dec 18 – Review: 18 Jan 19
Riches and Redemption on the Cocaine Superhighway.
Underneath the story of the 90-year-old mule for a Mexican drug cartel, is the story of a man filled with regret, trying to reconcile with his estranged family…
Release: Jul 96 – Review: 24 Jan 10
Keaton’s Bravura Quadriformance.
One person sells MULTIPLICITY: Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton.
Release: Dec 05 – Review: 8 Jan 06
An Ingenious Fantasy by a Fantasy Genius.
MUNICH is not about Munich. Nor is it about events which followed the massacre of Israeli athletes. It is about Steven Spielberg’s ego. .
MY BRILLIANT CAREER
Release: Aug 79 – Review: 30 Apr 14
An old fashioned tale of a new fashioned woman.
… a young girl from a poverty-stricken family in the Australian outback dreams of being a writer, against the wishes of her family…
MY FRIEND IRMA
Release: Oct 49 – Review: 21 Sep 17
Big things have small beginnings…
Martin and Lewis would not have the industry breathing down their necks for a hit, the fate of the picture not resting on their shoulders. How gauche then, to steal the show…
MY FRIEND IRMA GOES WEST
Release: Jun 50 – Review: 22 Jul 18
B-characters Bedazzle in B-movie.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis once again make a B-movie watchable. But only just.
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND
Release: Jul 06 – Review: 24 Feb 10
High Maintenance Heroine.
It’s a very funny movie – even WITH the double-standard woman-empowering out of control.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE MOVIE
Release: Apr 96 – Review: 15 Apr 14
The science of silly.
… shitty film garnished with excellent jokes – nothing that a devoted MSTie hasn’t experienced before.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN
Release: Apr 17 – Review: 9 May 17
Playing MSTie for us, like it never went away.
… Joel Hodgson reclaims the airwaves in the name of quirky intelligence.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 – SEASON 11
Release: Apr 17 – Review: 11 May 17
A Season with eighteen years seasoning.
… same format, brand new crew, new voices for familiar old friends, and, of course, the worst movies made by Mankind.
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