Alpha-P (61 titles)

Release: Apr 13 – Review: 17 Feb 17

Get Rich or Die Lifting.

… three Florida bodybuilders who kidnap a wealthy restaurant owner and supplant themselves in his affluent lifestyle. If only they had as much brain as muscle.

Release: 1998 – Review: 24 Nov 09

White Trash Circus.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee naked. Like we haven’t seen that before.

Release: Jan 07 – Review: 24 Sep 09

A wondrously grim fairy tale.

The only fairytale I can think of more gruesome is the King James Bible.

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 10 Jun 11

Pablum-orum.

… One Great Idea subsumed by all the bloodied action and trapped-in-space mayhem and frenzied filmstock required to hold a modern audience’s attention.

Release: Oct 71 – Review: 15 Sep 11

Just say (Paci)NO.

Before THE GODFATHER, there was an actor called Al Pacino.

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 14 Oct 09

Pants Not Normal Activity.

… works on the premise elucidated by Stephen King: don’t show the monsters.

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 14 Sep 11

Are We Scare Yet?

It was innovative ONCE. Fool us twice, shame on us.

Release: Dec 09 – Review: 23 Aug 10

Paranormal En-titty.

I watched PARANORMAL ENTITY at night and I was not able to sleep afterwards. I was laughing that hard.

Release: Aug 56 – Review: 11 Jul 18

Partners, Buddies, Pals… at least, onscreen.

Jerry and Dean in the Wild West!

Release: Jan 13 – Review: 2 Jun 15

Easy revenge, hard injuries.

… Mr. Statham and director Taylor Hackford take no discernible risks or stray too far from the path of Righteous Bitchslap.

Release: Nov 92 – Review: 2 Feb 10

Plain Plane Pain.

Wesley must use his patented Wesley Kwon Do to bring down the bad guys and the plane efficiently.

Release: Aug 04 – Review: 7 Apr 09

The Bashin’ of The Christ.

Yeah, this is what all those other Jesus movies have been missing – the TORTURE. If you’re gonna bash Jesus, you might as well bash him right.

Release: Oct 57 – Review: 20 Jun 09

Paths of Gory.

… an outraged, frustrated scream against the duplicity, mendacity, idiocy, inhumaneness and ingloriousness of war.

Release: Mar 11 – Review: 14 Aug 11

Kind Encounters of the Close Third.

It’s a buddy comedy of the crude kind, a road movie of the chase kind, a close encounter of the third kind!

Release: Jan 09 – Review: 22 Apr 11

DIE HARD with a Segway.

Kevin James is as funny as he can possibly be in PAUL BLART MALL COP – which means it’s a dull, uninspiring comedy that relies on him falling down and being fat a lot.

Release: Sep 97 – Review: 18 Dec 05

The Cheesemaker.

Meanwhile, something of world-shaking import is happening – but in Nuclear Threat movies I can never quite scare up the interest to find out what.

Release: May 01 – Review: 21 Jun 09

Pearl Before Swine.

… reveals exactly what this WWII conflict was all about – the love triangle between three young American Models.

Release: Apr 03 – Review: 22 Jul 06

Who You Don’t Know Could Kill You.

Something happens after the first hour of PEOPLE I KNOW – it gets interesting.

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 2 Feb 10

Sunny, with a chance of homicide.

… a tension-soaked thriller that ratchets suspense not unlike a junior Hitchcock or Tarantino.

Release: Jan 04 – Review: 14 Aug 05

Plan Teen From Outer Space.

It’s the Focus Group ruling that No Teen Model Shall Be Seen Cheating, so everyone with a hot butt comes to some inane reconciliation with their inadequacies…

Release: Nov 93 – Review: 24 Jul 06

A Perfect Vision of an Imperfect World.

Nature versus nurture. Fathers versus sons. Justice versus The Law. T-bones versus tater tots.

Release: May 19 – Review: 27 Sep 19

Classical music is torture.

Lust, jealousy, lesbianism, diarrhea, rape, dismemberment, torture, body horror and classical cello.

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 5 Jan 07

Battlefield Iowa.

With his newfound powers, Travolta still can’t find an inane excuse to dance in this film…

Release: Dec 93 – Review: 29 Apr 10

Lawyers cutting back door deals.

… it is driven home that “gays are human too” with Beckett’s family, friends, his intelligence, work ethic, musical tastes and big gay loverboy…

Release: Jul 98 – Review: 12 Oct 08

Uneasy as Pi.

There is something genius lurking its way to the surface in Darren Aronofsky’s PI – but it gets sidetracked with hallucinatory drugs.

Release: Mar 03 – Review: 21 Mar 19

Szpilman’s Liszt.

… not a story about heroes, rather, the story of a Polish man who avoided being one. And lived to play another day.

Release: Aug 08 – Review: 26 Jul 09

The Fast Track to Brotherly J.

… avoids the tired comedic punchliner mode and turns up at our door dressed in street cred and drinking a beer, burping in our faces…

Release: Aug 82 – Review: 18 Apr 10

“Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall…”

… the movie of the album that hit us right between the teens, embedded in the darkest crouch of our gargoyle brains.

Release: May 07 – Review: 16 Jun 07

Jack-ing the Sparrow.

… the rascally diversion of the PIRATES series has turned into a MUST-EARN overblown bombast of money-raking white noise consumerism.

Release: Jul 03 – Review: 16 Dec 09

Shiver me fey timbers.

… as entertaining as it is ambitious, as rollicking as it is ridiculous, as boyish-action-movie as it is gender-bendingly-ambiguous.

Release: Jun 06 – Review: 17 Jul 06

Captain Jack will get you high tonight…

… sun-seared tropical environs, intricately-designed ocean-creature monsters and eyeliner enough to embarrass a prostitute.

Release: May 11 – Review: 24 Nov 11

Yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum Diary.

Ironic that the story in this aged and worn PIRATES – is the quest for the fountain of youth.

Release: Jul 59 – Review: 9 Mar 20

No Plan.

… aliens try to save humanity from itself by turning dead people into bad actors.

Release: Nov 09 – Review: 21 Mar 10

He who sips from many cups, drinks from none.

… glop of as many nudge-nudge wink-wink cultural references as cartoonly possible in an uninvolving 91-minute chase movie.

Release: Apr 68 – Review: 28 Nov 14

A Planet where apes evolved from overactors.

Charlton Heston goes ape…

Release: Jul 01 – Review: Aug 01

Marky Mark’s PLANET OF THE APES.

This truly IS the planet of the apes. “Taking it back” is as ludicrous as a bunch of apes landing on earth in 2001 and causing trouble with their overacting and advanced technology and hairy anuses.

Release: Nov 71 – Review: 25 Aug 06

A Legend’s Misty Origin.

… Clint Eastwood confidently flaunts his directing debut with PLAY MISTY FOR ME – at an age when most actors these days are contemplating which reality show to make asses of themselves on.

Release: Jul 91 – Review: 15 Sep 09

Keanu and Patrick’s Excellent Adventure.

… like a greased board on Hawaiian neckbreakers, never letting us out of its action grip, or its bro-tastic overacting and über-cheese one-liners.

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 19 Jul 09

Poker Haunt Us.

… the most fun you can have watching a poker movie without actually watching a poker movie.

Release: May 06 – Review: 6 Jun 14

The Boat, The Wave, The Snake.

… well-made remake of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, with much more water and a lot less shouting.

Release: Dec 72 – Review: 3 Jun 14

Upside Down On Fire!

… filled with suspense, action, human strength overcoming human frailty – and shouting; lots and lots of shouting.

Release: Dec 97 – Review: 19 Nov 12

Going Postal for ‘Pocalypse.

… delivering lots of those sexy, edgy thrills that the practice of mail delivery is renowned for.

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 12 Apr 15

The times they are a-changing, with the crimes they are a-staging.

…offers an alternate/political-insider view to the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center, rather than the usual Islamophobic-breast-beating-Go-USA tripe…

Release: Jul 10 – Review: 22 Nov 10

Roaring Ripping Rending Rebirth!

… Robert Rodriguez (producer) and Nimród Antal (director) shinked out their arm-talons and ripped forth a roaring rebirth for the franchise.

Release: Oct 06 – Review: 6 Dec 06

Nolan’s Real Magic.

… an egomaniac that criss-crosses veins of intrigue and misdirection, pumping you breathless with half-lies and false truths until its powerful climax.

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 22 Jul 08

Funny Hunger.

A magician, his magic top hat and his desperately cute and hungry rabbit..

Release: Mar 90 – Review: 2 Feb 11

For the Love of Prostitution.

… a businessman hires a Hollywood Boulevard hooker (renowned for their trashiness, tastelessness, uncleanliness, tardiness and, most notably, their small dicks)…

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 22 Jan 14

Fear and Loathing and Shark-Teeth.

It’s like bad-delicious candy. You know it’s not healthy, it’s not educational, and it will probably destroy a few brain cells. But you eat it anyway.

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 9 Sep 12

PROMETHEUS Unbound.

… a group of scientists trek to the farthest reaches of the universe, chasing down messages left during Earth’s primitive history, seeking the origin of Humankind.

Release: Sep 95 – Review: 13 Jul 15

Angels In The Outhouse.

Angel Gabriel comes to Earth to extract a soul and destroy heaven. Like the catholic religion, THE PROPHECY is confused as hell.

Release: Jan 98 – Review: 20 Aug 15

The Angelic Boast.

Angel Gabriel is thrown out of hell by Lucifer, and proceeds to cause hell on Earth by starring in THE PROPHECY II.

Release: Mar 00 – Review: 22 Aug 15

Turning Cities to Salt, and Movies to Shit.

Christopher Walken, former angel of death, returns in THE PROPHECY 3 and does nothing, except walk around with a spectacular mullet…

Release: Jun 05 – Review: 10 Oct 15

My gorge is up rising.

… reboots the PROPHECY legacy with better ideas, better actors, better production values and better not let Jesus know.

Release: Sep 05 – Review: 10 Oct 15

Hells to the No.

… falls to Earth like Satan banished from heaven.

Release: Jun 09 – Review: 7 Nov 09

I Do. Not.

Predictable? Check. Funny? Check. Cute little white dog named Kevin? Check. So we know what to expect from this crap going in.

Release: Feb 06 – Review: 21 Feb 09

Brutal, Bloody, Beautiful.

… filth and dust and blood, punishing Outback heat bleeding off the screen; a land so untamed it spawns lawmen as sociopathic as the lawbreakers they pursue.

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 26 Mar 10

Small time crooks painted larger than the criminals in any given corporation.

An insipid telling of the fast life and crooked times of America’s first Public Enemy Number 1, John Dillinger.

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 30 Nov 10

Incredible movie of a non-credible story.

… Paul Thomas Anderson paints in dire hues, onerous sound and shifty-eyed desperation. And he makes a Man out of Adam Sandler – an achievement in itself.

Release: Jun 13 – Review: 11 Feb 17

Knife-kill disguised as social commentary.

… a great concept that runs off the rails in a direction that is not the most interesting one.

Release: Jul 84 – Review: 9 Mar 10

Hendrix’s Purple Phoenix Writ Large.

… a bemusing dichotomy – a dull, clichéd, formulaic storyline sprinkled liberally with the most innovative pop songs of its time.

Release: Dec 06 – Review: 4 Jan 07

Dispiritying, Disheartenying, Distressying.

… goes awry in its execution, paying such sadistic detail to every mishap, misfortune and misstep of its hero that it loses all semblance of entertainment.