RAC – RED
Release: Feb 16 – Review: 5 Jan 17
It’s about Jesse Owens. And his races. And his race.
Release: Jan 08 – Review: 5 Aug 08
He’s a Fighter, Not a Lover.
Due to our inculcation that Rambo is a “hero” and heroes shouldn’t enjoy war, it takes a long time to sink in that this Rambo fella is actually as shallow as we’ve always joked about him over the last 25 years!
Release: May 88 – Review: 7 Nov 10
Bigger, Badder, Body Oilier.
RAMBO III continues the RAMBO legacy by effectively blowing things up with wild abandon, while Sylvester Stallone keeps his shirt off.
Release: May 85 – Review: 20 Feb 12
Blood and Thunder or Thud and blunder?
…the improbably named and impossibly bland sequel to the solid FIRST BLOOD.
Release: Sep 19 – Review: 18 Oct 19
Going out with a hammer, not a whimper…
… a revenge movie, with creative kills bordering on gore-porn and Sylvester Stallone in the titular role bordering on Rambostein’s Monster.
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 8 Dec 08
Blow me the money.
Both Mel and Rene do some fine traumatized acting – we really feel they’ve lost a son. But there’s nothing like Mel’s “tragic face” – you know that look he gets like he’s one feather-push away from going total Riggs.
Release: Jun13 – Review: 28 Sep 14
Apoca-Lips and a great rack.
… atheistic, irreverent and very funny, with just the right amount of C-cup. Just the way I like it.
Release: Nov 99 – Review: 9 Apr 10
Lots of blood and bones, bones through flesh, flesh in pots and Guy Pearce looking tasty in all the wrong ways that taste so right…
Release: Oct 04 – Review: 12 Oct 11
Tragedy and Triumph on the Cliché Superhighway.
… in crafting this ostensible monument to the blind blues-gospel pianist, they step knee deep in every cliché created by moviemaking mankind.
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 6 Jun 09
Bedtime for Hitler.
…a heavy-handed, manipulative “romance” tale that will tear-jerk those who are inclined to be that way jerked, but will infuriate others with a shred of ethics.
Release: Oct 11 – Review: 6 May 12
Steel with Real Feel.
It may not be the Oscar-muncher of the year, but it’s definitely the most fun. And is it coincidence or mild irony that Wolverine is the star of a movie called REAL STEEL?
Release: Apr 07 – Review: 24 Nov 08
Reaping what you sow: Superstitious Stupidity.
Swank as a scientist who debunks religious superstitions (tautology, I know) – only problem is: in THIS stupid movie, superstition wins.
Release: Oct 55 – Review: 15 Oct 11
A Giant in a midget’s movie.
…movie’s status has been conflated with its star’s talents; movie itself is dated, embarrassing, out-of-touch and very, very gay. And not in that fabulooouus way either.
Release: May 08 – Review: 26 Oct 08
Stealing the World with Hanging Chad.
… another nail in the “democracy” coffin. Even for those who detest politics, this movie unfolds like a thriller rather than a dusty legal doc.
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 29 Sep 11
Red-Blooded American Funtime.
… solid action-comedy that doesn’t take itself too seriously, yet seriously commits to delivering cheeky China White straight-to-the-vein outlandish bombast.
Release: Jul 13 – Review: 1 Jul 16
Better Dead Than RED 2.
A bunch of stunts and car chases got together and called itself RED 2.
Release: Aug 05 – Review: 17 Apr 07
A Craven effort.
… the longer it keeps going, the less it compels…
Release: Nov 00 – Review: 5 May 08
Blue-Skying Salmon Sky.
Smart-mouthing their way to Mars like glibness is fueling their ship, one of them says, “The hope and survival of mankind rests on us.” Gee, I hope not.
Release: Mar 11 – Review: 10 Jan 12
One look at the director of this piece and it all makes sense: Catherine Hardwicke, TWILIGHT. All the better to Chick-Flick you, my dear.
Release: Jul 19 – Review: 25 Dec 19
Diving into a fiction of a fiction.
… though Evans is trying to escape his image as the Hollywood glamour-puss by accepting poignant, powerful roles such as this, the movie itself is riddled with every action movie trope from the movies that Evans is trying to escape from.
Release: Jun 72 – Review: 1 Jan 11
Stick ’em up – or just stick ’em!
Is it a Samurai Western or a Western Samurai movie? RED SUN: a unique action-adventure that is all six-shooters and sushi.
Release: Nov 07 – Review: 24 Nov 08
Hell on Earth, overlorded by Satan Bush.
Many would argue that these inmate-mentality drogues are not representative of American soldiers. But REDACTED raises the horrifying reality that these are not the exception – they are the rule.
REE – RIV
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 31 May 15
Red Film over White Eyes.
… travel into the dangerously racist heart of Hollywood and discover how cinema, since its inception, has shaped the false perception of the American Indian.
Release: Mar 07 – Review: 16 May 09
When Sandler’s good, he’s very good. (Did I just say that?)
The words Adam Sandler and Acting don’t fit together well. In Mike Binder’s drama REIGN OVER ME, they – ulp! – do.
Release: Jan 97 – Review: 23 Dec 12
Horror Movie Handbook meets Callous Director.
… bizarre murders at the museum, involving sucking out the victims’ hypothalamuses is where science and pseudo-bullshit collide.
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 24 Oct 08
Maher says it loud and proud: Stand up for what we DON’T believe in!
Release: Oct 07 – Review: 5 Jan 08
Lessons in Amerikan Euphemism.
… brutally brings to light the very real paranoia and pain-mongering of the American government, against anyone who looks sideways at their insanities.
Release: Feb 61 – Review: 7 May 17
The Euro Puppet Holocaust.
… whereas GODZILLA was a magnificent parable of man’s hubris toward nuclear abuse, REPTILICUS is about a puppet.
Release: Oct 00 – Review: 25 May 09
Heroes for a Loser Class.
… an intense cinematic experience is to sell it short – it is a scooping out of your intestines and playing with them before trying to squeeze them back into your torso, all while you’re conscious.
Release: Dec 84 – Review: 6 Feb 16
The Rubber Side of Vengeance.
… 1984, when Reagan made nukes all the rage, this film only reflecting the tenor of those fearful times.
Release: Oct 66 – Review: 20 Feb 20
Magnificent Yul and the Six Dexters.
Absolutely everything is begged, borrowed and stolen from this film’s predecessor. Everything except the cool.
Release: Jan 16 – Review: 10 Jun 16
Revenge served cooooold…
Think of the coldest pain you’ve ever felt. Now multiply it by Leonardo DiCaprio in a bear rug.
Release: Mar 55 – Review: 12 Oct 14
Bad Moviemakers Strike Again.
… not much “revenge” in REVENGE OF THE CREATURE, except maybe the filmmakers’ revenge on clear-thinking viewers.
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 7 Mar 14
REVIEW in need of review (of its soon-to-be lost financing, soon-to-be fired employees and cancellation policies).
I wonder if Andrew Daly realizes he is as funny as a dick rash.
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 16 Jul 11
The Road To Nowhere leads straight through Suburbia.
Is REVOLUTIONARY ROAD the first “1950’s revisionist” romantic movie?
Release: Jan 79 – Review: 4 Aug 07
… this 1978 performance in Long Beach California is arguably his first and best onscreen barnstorming.
Release: Jun 13 – Review: 3 Jun 13
Bigger, Blacker, Badder and Drunker.
Was Richard Pryor the first Black Comedian? Yes, there was Cosby before him, but Bill Cosby – even though technically a black man – was a white comedian.
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 10 Jan 16
Ridiculous is as Ridiculous does…
… a poignant tale of familial love juxtaposed over a comedic road tale where nothing is funny.
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 4 Feb 09
Dream Cast, Nightmare Script.
Every time they make their famous facial expressions, it just seems like they’re doing Robert De Niro and Al Pacino impersonations.
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 8 Sep 13
Rio de Generic.
… uninvolving tale of a rare blue macaw and his intended mate on the run from poachers…
Release: Apr 14 – Review: 2 May 16
Flocking dork and deceitful bitch road trip.
RIO 2 is not off to a good start. And it only gets more polly-want-a-cracker…
Release: Aug 11 – Review: 10 Feb 14
A planet where apes evolved from James Franco?
… a sober and epic thriller on how the Apes came to wear such stylish pantsuits.
Release: Oct 17 – Review: 1 Apr 19
Swedish meat and balls.
This ain’t your daddy’s Swedish Chef.
Release: Sep 94 – Review: 26 Jul 08
Up The Creek…
… for direction, it was adequate, for plot, it was necessary, for hotness, Meryl shouting orders at the men and getting all wet – was priceless.
Release: Apr 10 – Review: 2 May 10
Cry me a river…
… a two-part television movie “based on the Riverworld novels,” resembling Farmer’s story in the sense that a dog turd resembles a sausage.
ROA – RUT
Release: Nov 09 – Review: 19 Dec 10
A Tale of No Cities.
In a post-holocaust world, a father and son fend for survival, staying on the move for food, shelter, and the endless quest for a MAD MAX Trilogy Boxed Set.
Release: Aug 20 – Review: 20 Aug 20
You Can’t Do Eet.
For a guy whose catchphrase is “You can do it!” Rob Schneider has spent decades proving that he can’t.
Release: May 10 – Review: 2 Apr 11
This ain’t Errol Flynn, this ain’t Adam Ant, and it’s certainly not Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, riding through the glen… This ain’t your daddy’s ROBIN HOOD…
Release: 2004 – Review: 15 Jun 18
Lost In Dysfunction.
… soaps it up with whiny performances by an all-unknown cast that brings it crashing to Earth in flames.
Release: Feb 14 – Review: 5 Sep 15
Being more Man than Machine? There’s an app for that…
… a cyborg fights for control of his free will over the corporation that controls his unthinking, emotionless mind. Uh, so it’s about ALL cops then?
Release: Jul 58 – Review: 20 Nov 18
When the bough breaks…
Jerry Lewis tries to fulfill the roles of both Dean Martin AND Jerry Lewis in this lurid tale of deceit and obsession disguised as family farce…
Release: Jun12 – Review: 25 Sep 14
Crock of Ages.
My flesh was crawling so vividly during every minute of the mindless, sanitized, second-rate karaoke movie…
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 12 Feb 09
High Voltage Rock n Roll.
… another intricately thug-woven Guy Ritchie story…
Release: Sep 01 – Review: 22 May 06
Soon enough, it devolves to Bowie’s livid shout of outrage: ”This ain’t rock and roll, this is – genocide!”
Release: Aug 08 – Review: 17 Mar 09
… at least as enjoyable as watching Poison have arguments onstage…
Release: May 19 – Review: 19 Aug 19
Tripping the Bitch Fantastic!
… covers Elton’s early life and career, trying to tease out – as biopics do – those forces that shaped the young Honky Cat into the Rocket Man he would become.
Release: Dec 76 – Review: 11 Jan 17
The Underdog that became a Stallion.
… mistaken as a film about a great winner, when it is instead a film about a great TRYER.
Release: Jun 79 – Review: 12 Jan 17
The Stallion that became a Pussy.
ROCKY II is like a chick wondering what to wear.
Release: May 82 – Review: 13 Jan 17
The Pussy that became a Gangbanger.
I pity the fool that takes ROCKY III seriously.
Release: Nov 85 – Review: 14 Jan 17
The Gangbanger that became a Patriot.
ROCKY IV is a montage of montages. And some boxing.
Release: Nov 90 – Review: 18 Jan 17
The Patriot that became a Senior Citizen.
ROCKY V is the ALIEN 3 of Rocky Movies. Back to basics.
Release: Dec 06 – Review: 29 Dec 06
Rocky LX: Grandpa’s Revenge.
Something old (Stallone), something new (this film), something borrowed (the script from ROCKY), something blue (Talia Shire…
Release: Dec 56 – Review: 26 Sep 14
Godzilla With Wings.
… a Japanese monster movie made while GODZILLA wasn’t looking.
Release: Dec 16 – Review: 6 Feb 17
Star Wars 3.5: Martyrs’ Crossing.
… a stand-alone adventure that yet insinuates itself into canon, answering questions that we never thought to ask.
Release: Nov 08 – Review: 30 Aug 10
Old rockstars never die – they just become movie references.
It’s mildly funny and mostly vacuous, the most fun coming from all the KISS references.
Release: Nov 18 – Review: 11 Mar 19
ROMA will bore you to death. Unless you pretend to like it because film critics say you should.
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 13 Jun 06
More Comedie Than Tragedie.
… retold with creative conceptualizing and high-voltage visuals by Australian thunderboy, director Baz Luhrmann, as an urban gang battle with a decidedly MTV-ian thrust.
Release: Jun 03 – Review: 16 Dec 17
It is not a good film! It is naaht!
A scheming whore and a bad actor circle the drain in THE ROOM.
Release: Nov 14 – Review: 8 Sep 15
And I Ran, Iran so far a-way. And Iran, I could-n’t get a-way…
Boy, Iran sure can learn a thing or two about torture from America!
Release: Mar 03 – Review: 11 May 18
A Scene, a Policy, and 9/11.
9/11 opens the film, 9/11 closes the film, and even though most of the film is in flashback showing Rudy’s officious rise to political power, the film constantly cuts back to – 9/11.
Release: Mar 15 – Review: 13 Apr 16
When street cred meets father figure.
… the gritty twat-eating hardass badboy movie Liam Neeson makes when he’s not making other gritty twat-eating hardass badboy movies.
Release: Mar 08 – Review: 11 Feb 09
Once Pegg and Dylan Moran find their comedy stride, so to speak, there are no stops for any pisses by the roadside…
Release: Dec 84 – Review: 7 Feb 18
Looking back at the Future.
… when Tom Selleck was kinda a leading man and Gene Simmons was kinda an actor, they made a movie called RUNAWAY. Kinda.
Release: Mar 78 – Review: 1 Mar 15
The Ballad of Eric and Innes.
… follows the fictional eponymous band from their humble beginnings in Rutland to world domination, due in large part to their trousers.
Release: Nov 04 – Review: 2 Mar 15
I’m looking through you, You’re not the same.
A fun retelling/revisiting the legend of The Rutles and their trousers.
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