SAB – SNO
SABOTAGE
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 25 Mar 15
Tools Carrying Tools.
This would be a concern for us viewers – if it weren’t for Breacher’s team being the most unlikeable group of tits this side of Doucheland.
THE SAD SACK 1957
Release: Nov 57 – Review: 24 Oct 18
Sad.
… story is so stupid and the characterizations so irritating that no amount of Jerry mugging can save this sad sack of shit.
SAILOR BEWARE
Release: Feb 52 – Review: 1 Aug 18
Kissed Off.
… two pals enlisting in the Navy and getting involved in a kissing contest that somehow gives one of them the reputation of a Lothario…
SALT
Release: Jul 10 – Review: 29 Dec 10
DIE HARD With a Vagina.
A bunch of guys chase after Angelina Jolie. So what’s new?
SANDS OF IWO JIMA
Release: Dec 49 – Review: 24 Nov 06
Jingo All The Way.
… thirty-something teenagers with clean shirts and Christian mouths storm battlegrounds where they die operatically from bullets that don’t make exit wounds…
SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE
Release: Nov 85 – Review: 5 Jan 17
Idiot Clause.
The trailers allude to the villain: “Now someone wants to take the magic out of Christmas!” Don’t look now, movie, but you’re doing a great job of that yourself…
THE SANTA CLAUSE
Release: Nov 94 – Review: 11 Mar 14
Insanity Clause.
Santa Claus has his own kind of occult life insurance.
THE SANTA CLAUSE 2
Release: Nov 02 – Review: 13 Mar 14
Papa’s got a brand new bag – I mean, wife.
… Santa Claus must find a wife or he will magically stop being Santa Claus, presumably leaving one billion spoiled brats on Earth wailing in frenzy for their free toys.
THE SANTA SUIT
Release: Dec 10 – Review: 3 Jan 11
Cognitive dissonance retained for one more year…
Kevin Sorbo (HERCULES) dons another mystical suit and battles evil (corporate America).
SATANIC
Release: Jul 16 – Review: 13 Feb 19
Millennial Belial.
… four annoying Millennials visit satanic sites in LA. They’re so preppie and goth and YOLO that we hope they get killed. And Satan answers our prayers.
SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER
Release: Dec 77 – Review: 9 Aug 15
A Sweathog Comes of Age.
Oh, there’s lots of disco in it, but as a backdrop to a young man’s disillusionment and search for identity. And a tighter pair of tourniquet bellbottoms.
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN
Release: Jul 98 – Review: 25 Aug 10
A Spielberg fantasy done horribly right.
… Spielberg turns his camera on a very American World War II story.
SAW
Release: Oct 04 – Review: 25 Dec 08
To Die For.
… displays a depth to its cutting edges that raises it miles above the average bear-trap nipple-twister.
SAW II
Release: Oct 05 – Review: 12 Oct 09
Seen It Once, SAW It Again…
After this grand opening, though, SAW II is on a tricycle downhill.
SAW III
Release: Oct 06 – Review: 29 Oct 09
Now it’s just painful.
A horror movie with brains… splashing all over your feet as they fall out of someone’s skull.
SAW IV
Release: Oct 07 – Review: 6 Nov 17
Fourth Time’s the Harm.
SAW IV, filled with improbable traps within traps, gratuitous gore and people driven to insanity with their amoral decisions, actually raises the series up from the mire it was bogged in.
SAW V
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 17 Nov 17
Cinco de Pain-o.
If we enjoy this blood-gushing movie, doesn’t it say something about how damaged we truly are as a species?
SAW VI
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 26 Nov 17
Would you like a little Death to go with your Life Insurance?
Jigsaw’s back, and this time – he’s killing Health Insurance reps! And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “And?”
SCARED STIFF
Release: Apr 53 – Review: 15 Sep 17
Dead Serious Comedy.
… surprisingly drenched in suspense and tension, and loaded with well-crafted bits from the greatest comedy team on Earth at the time, Martin and Lewis.
SCHINDLER’S LIST
Release: Nov 93 – Review: 12 7 Oct 15
The Ones That Got Away (Alternate title in Germany?)
No homeland, no dignity, no succor. The emotive impact of SCHINDLER’S LIST is beautifully exhausting.
THE SCHOOL OF ROCK
Release: Sep 03 – Review: 12 Aug 05
Tenacious D’s Boy-Thunder Rides Hellacious and Raises The Goblet Of Rock.
Black treads that knife-edge between sociopath and savior, milking the storyline like a blue-ribbon set of udders, for the pleasure of rock burnouts of the Alice Cooper generation.
SEASON OF THE WITCH
Release: Jan 11 – Review: 28 Apr 13
Witchy Poo.
Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman must transport an alleged witch to a faraway monastery for the monks to decide her fate. Let the comedy begin– I mean, drama– I mean–cough–hairstyle..
SECRETARY
Release: Nov 02 – Review: 13 Apr 10
The Love That Dares Speak Its Name.
Sado-masochism. Not easily understood. Too gutless to speaketh Its Taboo Name. Something so wrong – so right.
SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD
Release: Jun 12 – Review: 24 Aug 15
Yaaaaaaawn–EXPLODE.
Who knew the end of the world would be so boring? With such good acting?
SEMI-PRO
Release: Feb 08 – Review: 28 Dec 11
SEMI-PRO is Mostly Amateur.
Will Ferrell shoots for another absurdist hoop and misses.
THE SENTINEL
Release: Apr 06 – Review: 26 Apr 06
Running Fast but Standing Still.
… intermittently excels when it relaxes its grip on trying to be too hip.
SERENITY
Release: Sep 05 – Review: 1 May 14
A ‘verse not big enough for Joss Whedon’s ideas.
… bold and brash and throbbingly original even as it pulls every trope from the science fiction and action thriller handbook.
SEVEN POUNDS
Release: Dec 08 – Review: 15 Jun 09
Heavy.
It’s Shakespearean, it’s Biblical; it’s a story that rivals the most tragic star-crossed lovers’ tales of the ages…
SEVEN SAMURAI
Release: Apr 54 – Review: 8 Feb 20
The Jedi of Japan.
… one of the most touching, savage and layered stories about sacrifice, courage and redemption, released in 1954 and still standing as one of the greatest films of all time…
SEX AND THE CITY
Release: May 08 – Review: 1 Jun 10
High Maintenance Harridans.
Four ugly women bitch and moan about men. The End.
SHALLOW HAL
Release: Nov 01 – Review: Jul 05
When Fat is Phat and Hot is Not.
… a snide wink to the hotties in the audience that if the fatties and quadriplegics onscreen are amenable to “laughing at themselves” then we can laugh AT them also…
SHAME
Release: Dec 11 – Review: 11 Nov 13
Pure sex, hold the shame.
… actually depicting sex as it really is: an integral part of the human animal.
THE SHAPE OF WATER
Release: Dec 17 – Review: 12 Mar 18
Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires.
Guillermo del Toro has re-cast the Beast that can remain a Beast and still be respected, revered, loved.
SHARKNADO
Release: Jul 13 – Review: 20 Jul 13
Shark Sandwich.
Recall the wisdom of the reviewer who wrote the two-word summation of Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich: “Shit sandwich.”
SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE
Release: Jul 14 – Review: 13 Aug 14
Just when you thought it was safe to get blown…
If you want to tweet about how much you love SHARKNADO, go right ahead, but I suggest you stop voting and driving…
SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!
Release: Jul 15 – Review: 8 Aug 16
Trumpeting Incompetence.
… takes all that is good about movie-making and science and acting, and shit-squirts it up against the wall like dysentery.
SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS
Release: Jul 16 – Review: 11 Aug 16
‘Tard-nado.
… should be expunged from filmic archives with extreme prejudice for systematically dismantling the intelligence of an American population that is already teetering on the edge of imbecile and fuckhead.
SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING
Release: Aug 17 – Review: 21 May 18
Shit-nado.
… if you watch because you sincerely consider SHARKNADO a top class movie franchise, then you need to wear a MAGA hat at all times, so people can avoid you.
SHE-FREAK
Release: May 67 – Review: 2 Apr 12
A Grotesquerie – and not because of the freaks.
… an attempt to remake Tod Browning’s disturbing 1932 paean, FREAKS.
SHERLOCK HOLMES 2009
Release: Dec 09 – Review: 21 Nov 10
The Adventure of the Hero’s Rebirth.
… not quite a reimagining of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s infamous British detective; more like a punch in the face. An analytical punch in the face.
SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS
Release: Dec 11 – Review: 1 Se 14
Too mysterious for its own smart.
… director Guy Ritchie’s brash, bombastic, brainy and body-shaved sequel…
SHIN GODZILLA
Release: Jul 16 – Review: 2 Apr 18
Renaissance Zilla.
Written like a bullet train, directed like a fighter pilot, SHIN GODZILLA is the most compelling Godzilla film since the original 1954 Ishiro Honda production, GOJIRA!
SHOOT EM UP
Release: Sep 07 – Review: 4 Dec 08
Love it. Hate it. You won’t fall asleep.
I mean, really! How sensible do you think a movie called SHOOT ‘EM UP could possibly be?
SHOOTER
Release: Mar 07 – Review: 2 Apr 07
Shooter is Sharp but Misses the Marky.
… achieves that sensible balance between action, political skullduggery, pretty orange explosions and Mark Wahlberg’s big guns (and I don’t mean his military sniper rifles)…
SHOULDER ARMS
Release: Oct 18 – Review: 11 Sep 14
War is only as stupid as its combatants.
Writer-director-star Chaplin, the king of physical comedy, addresses the greatest comedy of all – war.
SHUTTER ISLAND
Release: Feb 10 – Review: 3 Jul 11
Just dropped in – to see what condition my condition was in…
… not “scary,” but creepy, disturbing and filled with enough tension and intrigue to drown a plush toy.
SICARIO
Release: Oct 15 – Review: 29 Sep 15
When Right is Might, and Wrong is Hot Sauce.
He’s Luca Brasi. He’s Leon. He’s The Wolf. He’s Keyser Soze!
SICKO
Release: Jul 07 – Review: 18 Jul 07
In Sickness and In Wealth.
… plants the seed of dissent in another area of our lives we’ve regarded with complacency – an aspect we’ve been programmed to believe is doing us right even as it does us morbidly wrong.
THE SIGNAL
Release: Jun 14 – Review: 25 Feb 16
Bending new boundaries with classic old tropes.
… brimming with original ideas, the likes of which used to emanate from the greatest science fiction novelists of the 60s and 70s…
SIGNS
Release: Aug 02 – Review: 4 Apr 09
Cream of the Crop Circles.
… creative angles, smart reveals, subtle foreshadowing, tension-filled tableaus, nuanced humor. No frame wasted, no scene superfluous, no Night un-Shyamalaned.
THE SILENCE 2019
Release: Apr 19 – Review: 3 Nov 19
Evolution Convolution.
Didn’t they just make this movie and call it A QUIET PLACE?
SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK
Release: Dec 12 – Review: 9 Jul 13
Couldn’t find the silver lining.
… a teachable moment in filmic history. They showed us how to cure bipolar disease. You just need to get laid!
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
Release: Jul 07 – Review: 17 Jan 09
Call of the Simpsons.
… pretty much a SIMPSONS television episode. No better, no worse. Just longer.
SINGLE WHITE FEMALE
Release: Aug 92 – Review: 23 Apr 11
When Roommates Go Tribade.
But seriously, who wouldn’t stalk Bridget Fonda?
SINISTER
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 6 Dec 13
Ghouls on Film.
A family moves into a house where serial murders were committed. To all those acclimated with the Horror Movie Flow Chart, do I really need to say any more?…
SINISTER 2
Release: Aug 15 – Review: 17 Mar 20
Less Sinister than before…
The main reason SINISTER 2 fails is that the supposed leading man looks like Elias Koteas doing Concerned Face #9.
SISTERS 2015
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 4 Oct 16
The BACHELOR PARTY of ladydom.
Kate and Maura throw one last party in their childhood home before their parents sell it. One sister needs to prove she is responsible. One needs to get laid.
THE SITTER 2011
Release: Dec 11 – Review: 5 Sep 14
Somewhere over the pain flow.
… where Hill finds himself babysitting three of the most annoying kids in the world…
SKY HIGH
Release: Jul 05 – Review: 2 Oct 05
The Bastard Offspring of John Hughes and Joel Schumacher.
… elevates the hormonally-drenched pseudo-problems of libidinous, over-privileged, studiously-hip teens to the import of a United Nations Symposium on Global Oil Embargos…
THE SKYDIVERS
Release: Nov 63 – Review: 22Sep 14
Never gets off the ground.
If you enjoy dreary, talentless non-actors delivering lines in a bland monotone over a plot that goes from Point A to Stop Making Sense, then Coleman Francis’s THE SKYDIVERS is your cup of tea, er, coffee.
SKYFALL
Release: Nov 12 – Review: 28 Jan 14
Bond-fall.
… Bond’s threat is no longer just a platonic baddie who wants to rule the world while guffawing bwohahahaha, but one who robs Bond of the very support structure that defines him as the hero…
SKYLINE
Release: Nov 10 – Review: 6 Sep 11
Invasion of the Puerile People Eaters.
Not again! Aliens invade Los Angeles! And this time – they’re not Mexican.
SLEEPER
Release: Dec 73 – Review: 18 Apr 10
OrwelliAllen.
Woody Allen pays slapstick homage to Charlie Chaplin in this futuristic satire on totalitarian societies.
SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
Release: Jun 93 – Review: 26 Sep 14
SLEEPLESS will put you to sleep.
… are any men left watching at all, except those balled-and-chained pussies holding their wives’ purses?
THE SLEEPOVER 2020
Release: Aug 20 – Review: 3 Sep 20
The Sleep Through It.
… two kids discover their boring suburban mum is an ex-super-thief blackmailed into one last job…
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 1 Mar 09
Hip to be Slumdog.
Pommie Danny Boyle’s kinetic vision, from the screaming slums of Bombay-soon-to-be-Mumbai; vibrant, shimmering, frenetic – but thank god no smell, otherwise the “ooweh” vomit sound…
SMOKIN ACES
Release: Jan 07 – Review: 11 Feb 07
It’s a mad mad mad mad assassination.
There is more unnecessary dialogue here than in the Pam and Tommy sex tape.
SNAKES ON A PLANE
Release: Aug 06 – Review: 9 Sep 16
Reptile Dysfunction.
… as much a waste of time as you imagine it to be.
SNATCH
Release: Jan 01- Review: 5 Sep 06
SNATCH will grab.
… a Molotov cocktail of a movie; a careening, chain-wielding maniac of a film.
SNL 40
Release: Feb 15- Review: 22 Feb 15
Celebrating 40 Years of Stunning Mediocrity.
… continues its tradition of not being funny, by throwing a 40th Anniversary Special and not being funny.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
Release: Dec 37 – Review: 17 Jul 11
Madness disguised by innocence, and mind-blowing cartooning.
… a magnificent technical achievement, setting the bar for the industry the world over. And it is still a marvel to view.
SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR
Release: Aug 97 – Review: 1 Feb 14
Once Upon a Terrifying Time…
… suffers from inauthentic sets, TV production values and bad editing. And big dwarfs.
SNOWPIERCER
Release: Jul 14 – Review: 14 Feb 15
Noah’s Ark and Lang’s Metropolis on a Midnight Express.
… make you question your place in society, the innate class system that drives humankind, and the ultimate meaning of freedom. It will also make you question what the hell Chris Evans is doing actually Acting…
SOA – STA
SOAKED IN BLEACH
Release: Jun 15 – Review: 7 Dec 15
Soaked in memoria.
… compelling evidence from a private investigator points to Cobain’s death being a meticulously planned murder! By his wife, Courtney Love!
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 20 Feb 11
Revenge of the Nerd.
Eisenberg is boy-genius Mark Zuckerberg, creator of the most insidious computer virus since electricity was invented – Facebook.
SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY
Release: May 18 – Review: 28 Jun 18
Oh Han, where did you Kessel Run to?
… hits us square in the indifference nerve with the impact of a Wookiee knocking over a game of holo-chess.
THE SOLOIST
Release: Apr 09 – Review: 29 Oct 09
Biting The Hand That Exploits You.
Nathaniel Ayers is not a genius in any sense of the word. Still, in Hollywood, you don’t need to be a genius to make it. Just ask Bret Michaels.
SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME
Release: Jul 56 – Review: 27 Jan 13
The Passion of the Goombah.
If you can get past Paul Newman’s insufferable “schoolyard Italian” SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME is… well, it’s still pretty mediocre.
SOMETHING THE LORD MADE
Release: May 04 – Review: 30 Dec 09
I Heart Heart Surgery.
… addresses an aspect so embedded in our modern culture we take it for granted – the story of the first heart bypass surgeries.
SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE
Release: Dec 03 – Review: 13 Aug 10
Something’s gotta give – Jack’s heart, Diane’s hips, or my patience.
The young audience who usually falls for romantic fluff don’t really want to see their grandparents grinding. And the old folk for whom this movie resonates should know better.
SON OF GOD
Release: Dec 67 – Review: 5 Jul 14
Another reboot for the best-looking zombie in history.
… about the Middle Eastern boy bitten by a radioactive angel, who becomes Caucasian with super powers.
SON OF GODZILLA
Release: Dec 67 – Review: 5 Jul 14
Baby moviemaking spawns baby monster.
… mindlessly boring story of a “baby Godzilla” hatching, and its mother?/father? Godzilla protecting it from predators and teaching it The Way Of The Rubber Suit.
SON OF KONG
Release: Dec 33 – Review: 9 Apr 17
Throwing out the baby with the floodwater.
… trades on one outstanding moment, that will haunt you forever. Trouble is, it takes five-thousand swishy B-movie moments to arrive there.
THE SONG OF BERNADETTE
Release: Dec 43 – Review: 27 Jul 08
Song Sung Kazoo.
… a miracle that the world heeded an 1858 French peasant nutjob, Bernadette Soubirous, who claimed to have seen 18 “visions” of Virgin Mary near Lourdes…
THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME
Release: Oct 76 – Review: 24 Nov 10
The Piper’s calling you to join him…
Enigmatic, visceral, inspiring, Led Zeppelin’s 1976 concert film at Madison Square Garden remains a towering monolith by which all other dick-measuring concert films are measured.
THE SOPRANOS – SEASON 3-30: EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Release: Feb 01 – Review: 19 Mar 01
The Anti-Social Truth behind the Socially-Acceptable Fiction.
… touched upon that raw nerve that scares society into viewing itself as it really is; where Justice is truly only a euphemism for revenge.
THE SOPRANOS – SEASON 3-32: UNIVERSITY
Release: Feb 01 – Review: 3 Apr 01
Bringing True Violence to the Simulated Screen.
… the nature of True Violence is explored graphically, in a story constructed with such precious care…
THE SOPRANOS – SEASON 3-38: AMOUR FOU
Release: Feb 01 – Review: 3 Apr 01
Women Be Crazy.
Only women can get away with the brainlessness they so openly exhibit toward men…
SOUL TO KEEP
Release: Apr 19 – Review: 27 Oct 19
Possessed by Mediocrity.
SOUL TO KEEP inundates us with so many annoying college-age kids that I don’t know who I’m wishing would die first.
A SOUND OF THUNDER
Release: Sep 05 – Review: 24 Nov 09
A Sound of Chunder.
… for which Bradbury should sue the pants and underpants and ass-hairs off these filmmakers.
SOURCE CODE
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 6 May 11
Riding the Lightning Across the (Parallel) Universe.
DONNIE DARKO brings his penchant for skipping across parallel universes to the twisted love-child of INCEPTION and GROUNDHOG DAY.
SOUTHSIDE WITH YOU
Release: Aug 16 – Review: 31 Aug 16
Obama batting Smoove.
… the fictional first date of Barack Obama and Michelle Robinson in 1989.
SPACE COWBOYS
Release: Aug 2000 – Review: 17 Jan 06
American Hero Sandwich.
Eastwood explores exactly what makes these implausible candidates for this mission such plausible Heroes.
SPACE FORCE 2020
Release: May 20 – Review: 1 Jun 20
If the comedy isn’t there – Force it.
Who knew that a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic utterance by the dumbo president of the United States could be turned into a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic Netflix show?
SPANGLISH
Release: Dec 04 – Review: 1 Jan 06
Renaissance Sandler.
Boy Sandler actually portrays a Real Human in SPANGLISH – a well-rounded, successful husband and father, as far removed from any of his other roles as Rob Schneider is from comedy.
THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
Release: May 10 – Review: 24 Jun 10
Blair and Bubba: A Love Story.
A touching bromance between two heads of state.
SPECIES
Release: Jul 95 – Review: 28 Jun 09
Darwin never looked so good.
It’s ALIEN with a spectacular pair of natural knockers.
SPECTRE
Release: Nov 15 – Review: 19 Dec 15
Same old Bond! What did you ex-spectre?
How do we get excited over a spy who’s using technology that’s less impressive than what’s keeping my balls irradiated?
SPEED
Release: Jun 94 – Review: 14 Feb 10
Driving Miss Dazey.
We could complain about the unreality of taking hard right turns at 50 mph, or the fact that Keanu couldn’t possibly consider his performance “acting” – but everyone’s just having way too much fun.
SPIDER-MAN 2002
Release: May 02 – Review: Jun 02
Hangin’ With The Big Boys.
SPIDER-MAN joins the pantheon of underpanted heroes whom the movie forum has portrayed as mightily as their bulging quadriceps…
SPIDER-MAN 2
Release: Jun 04 – Review: 6 Feb 07
Spider Sense-tingling.
… more action-packed, more thrill-rided, more rollercoastered than SPIDER-MAN…
SPIDER-MAN 3
Release: May 07 – Review: 20 May 07
Really Swingin’.
… a swingin’ soiree; a chill-er thriller ladykiller that tops both its previous incarnations with smooth-headed, web-spangling adventure…
SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING
Release: Jul 17 – Review: 6 Sep 17
This ain’t your daddy’s underoos…
… follows the retconned Peter Parker in his quest to become Tony Stark’s bottom bitch.
SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE
Release: Dec 18 – Review: 25 Apr 19
A kinetic new vision for the next generation of man-spider fans.
… combining, referencing and cross-pollinating canon from its 56-year spectrum of spider-comics and spider-movie lore.
SPLICE
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 13 Feb 11
Gene Genie.
A gene-spliced organism causes havoc for the two scientists who created it… mostly because it looks like a hot naked French model.
SPLIT 2017
Release: Jan 17 – Review: 9 Mar 17
Multiple McAvoy, Numinous Night.
If you like James McAvoy, then you’ll love SPLIT. It stars James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. And James McAvoy. And James McAvoy.
SPOTLIGHT
Release: Nov 15 – Review: 12 Dec 15
Pederast Priests and The Coverup That Rocked a Religion.
If only the movie SPOTLIGHT was called BUSTING RAPIST PRIESTS, maybe it would be better served by its title.
SPRINGSTEEN ON BROADWAY
Release: Dec 18 – Review: 10 Jan 18
Springsteen does Dean Martin.
Bruce fans will love this insight into the making of a megastar, Springsteen describing his “long and noisy prayer” – his career…
THE SPY WHO LOVED ME
Release: Aug 77 – Review: 4 Jun 20
Spy Sandwich.
… when England and Russia end up in bed together – they really end up in bed together…
THE STAND
Release: May 1994 – Review: 9 Jun 05
My Favorite Martian versus Garth Brooks.
… director Mick Garris and the tome’s author himself, Stephen King, offer us a vapid TV visualization of the book, diminishing all its epic impact.
STAND UP GUYS
Release: Feb 13 – Review: 22 May 14
Say goodnight to the bad guys…
The KING OF NEW YORK takes SCARFACE for one last night on the town. Before he has to kill him.
A STAR IS BORN
Release: Apr 37 – Review: 12 Sep 18
The Acceptable Weinstein.
… it’s all about Who You Bang.
A STAR IS BORN 1954
Release: Oct 54 – Review: 18 Dec 18
Falling Star, Rising.
In the grandest irony, having Judy Garland in a movie about the joys of rising to stardom sends the exact opposite message…
A STAR IS BORN 1976
Release: Dec 76 – Review: 20 Dec 18
A Nose for Stardom.
Gone is the Hollywood Studio premise from the ‘30s and ‘50s, gone is the naïveté of the female protagonist, gone is the innocence of those past decades – replaced with the hedonism and excess and women’s lib of the ‘70s.
A STAR IS BORN 2018
Release: Oct 18 – Review: 5 Dec 18
It’s all about Who You Nose.
A STAR IS BORN all right – Bradley Cooper!
STAR TREK 2009
Release: May 09 – Review: 20 Jun 09
All-New, All-Improved, Same-ole Same-ole.
If this don’t keep the fanboys happy, nothin’ will.
STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN
Release: Jun 82 – Review: 6 Aug 09
Yes We Khaaaaan!
Can we find anyone in the galaxy who can chew more cheese onscreen than James Tiberius Kirk?
STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK
Release: Jun 84 – Review: 7 Aug 09
The Search for Plot.
The rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated.
STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME
Release: Nov 86 – Review: 30 Apr 08
Camping in a Row of Future Tense.
I could say this movie was “a whale of a time” but it wasn’t really. Starting with a promising premise, as the story unfolded, it quickly lost its porpoise.
STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER
Release: Jun 89 – Review: 8 Aug 09
The Final Affront Here.
Shatner directs! Oh, what a marvelous disaster!
STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY
Release: Dec 91 – Review: 9 Dec 09
Deeper Than Deep Space.
… making sociological references from the whole spectrum of history and literature, and the principal cast pretend-acting better than they’ve ever pretended to act before.
STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 26 Oct 16
Unnecessary Racket!
Everyone gives Jonathan Frakes more rope than he deserves as a director. No wonder he hangs himself with STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT.
STAR TREK: GENERATIONS
Release: Nov 94 – Review: 6 Sep 09
Generation Pap.
… made to showcase the TREK TV spinoff, THE NEXT GENERATION; instead, the singular event on all our minds is how Kirk is going to eat it.
STAR TREK: INSURRECTION
Release: Dec 98 – Review: 2 Feb 17
Insert Erection!
… another example of an excellent idea – and I’m not being sarcastic! – ruined by small screen sensibilities and mediocre production values.
STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS
Release: May 13 – Review: 7 Jul 13
The Wrath Of Cumberbatch.
Hold up a mirror to INTO DARKNESS and you will see THE WRATH OF KHAN. But the ham and cheese has been left back there on Fantasy Island.
STAR TREK: NEMESIS
Release: Dec 02 – Review: 8 Feb 14
Nature vs. Nurture vs. Nemesis.
… the fourth and last Next Generation adventure, continuing the STAR TREK legacy with beige talking, TV action hero poses and little to no adventure.
STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE
Release: Dec 79 – Review: 6 Aug 09
Attack of The Motionless Picture.
… a plodding masterpiece; brains but no balls; a whole lotta nothing, to say a small lotta something.
STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE
Release: May 99 – Review: 4 May 09
A Legend unravels…
And like Big Government, PHANTOM MENACE talks too much, dazzles with special effects, overdoses on misdirection – and says nothing.
STAR WARS: EPISODE II – ATTACK OF THE CLONES
Release: May 02 – Review: Jul 02
CGI = Cast Grossly Inessential.
… hamhanded attempts at characterization and kindergarten dialogue in this vacuous corporate merchandising advertisement thinly-disguised as a movie.
STAR WARS: EPISODE III – REVENGE OF THE SITH
Release: May 05 – Review: May 05
The Sith Hits The Fans: A Cultural Calamity.
… is darker than other STAR WARS episodes in the sense that “Scooby Doo Meets Dracula” is darker than “Scooby Doo Meets the Harlem Globetrotters”.
STAR WARS: EPISODE IV – A NEW HOPE
Release: May 77 – Review: 16 May 07
A Legend Begins… from the middle…
… a revelation and a revolution. There will never be anything like it again.
STAR WARS: EPISODE V – THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Release: May 80 – Review: 18 Jun 07
Empirical Satirical.
… brimming with hilarity, humanity and paternity, is the best of the STAR WARS series.
STAR WARS: EPISODE VI – RETURN OF THE JEDI
Release: May 83 – Review: 27 Jun 09
The Jedi Mind(less) Trick.
… the Galactic Empire has returned with another planet-sized space station to terrorize the galaxy. And the Rebel Alliance has returned to break it.
STAR WARS: EPISODE VII – THE FORCE AWAKENS
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 20 Feb 16
You changed your hair. Same jacket.
… Jar Jar Abrams continues the gospel of Mayhew, Mark, Luke and Ren.
STAR WARS: EPISODE VIII – THE LAST JEDI
Release: Dec 17 – Review: 8 Mar 18
This is not going to go the way you think!
If ROGUE ONE was a love letter to the Original Trilogy, then THE LAST JEDI is the Dear John letter to J.J. Abrams.
STAR WARS: EPISODE IX – THE RISE OF SKYWALKER
Release: Dec 19 – Review: 2 Feb 20
Damage Control while Digging a Hole.
… riddled with the same mistakes, plot holes and inexplicable magic of every STAR WARS movie, from the first (that’s EPISODE IV to you youngbloods) to all the Originals, Prequels and Sequels. It’s still a fun ride, though, depending on how young you can Force yourself…
STARCRASH
Release: Dec 78 – Review: 12 May 17
Star what now?–
A smoking hot chick in a bikini, a robot named Larry the Cable Guy and a guy with a perm to die for, go in search of Princess David Hasselhoff, who is the son of Christopher Plummer, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. Stop laughing.
STATE OF PLAY
Release: Apr 09 – Review: 25 Sep 09
ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN meets Blackwater.
Writer Mathew Michael Carnahan once again displays his uncanny Beltway underbelly knowledge and knack for conjuring compelling stories from dry political duplicity.
STE – SYR
Release: Jun 05 – Review: 15 May 13
Top Dumb.
… Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx as the three top gun pilots the robot plane may potentially replace. Ironically, in this movie, they all act like robots.
Release: Jul 08 – Review: 10 Aug 09
Steps in it.
Will Ferrel as Adam Sandler and John C. Reilly as a funny Will Ferrel.
Release: Jan 06 – Review: 7 Sep 10
Liquid Assets.
Dana Brown’s tribute to board-dom is not just an esoteric in-gag for surfers. It embraces every one of us citizens of the shore alike and flings us headlong into the passion…
Release: Oct 15 – Review: 7 Nov 15
Nerd against Geek in a battle to the Steve.
STEVE JOBS is a savage attack dog of a movie. Like Steve Jobs.
Release: Nov 11 – Review: 12 Apr 15
One Lasting Thing.
… documents the incredible life of innovator, entrepreneur and Apple founder Steven Paul Jobs (1955-2011), showing the good, the bad and the techno.
STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT: AN EVENING YOU WILL FORGET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Release: May 18 – Review: 3 Jun 18
Old Hands at Comedy, or just Old Comedy?
… a cavalcade of roasting comedy, political puppetry, jazz anecdotes and bluegrass banjo that you truly will not remember.
Release: Dec 52 – Review: 27 Sep 17
Bill and Ted’s Formative Adventure.
… the Martin and Lewis roman à clef of their rise to glory.
Release: Mar 08 – Review: 22 Nov 08
Nothing Stops the Loss.
… a fine print clause in military contracts to stop the loss of American troops from active service – by forcing them back onto the death fields at the behest of the Murderer in Chief.
Release: Aug 15 – Review: 23 Aug 15
Attitude Adjustaz.
… powerful black biopic, made for weak-kneed whites. The rise, dissolution and ongoing legacy of Niggaz wit’ Attitude.
Release: Feb 08 – Review: 7 Mar 12
Wild(ly retarded) Kingdom.
… acting so directionless and amateurish Hayden Christensen called and threatened legal action.
Release: 1951 – Review: 3 Oct 05
A Juggernaut Named Brando.
There are three reasons for watching A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE: Brando. Brando. Brando.
Release: Jun 84 – Review: 1 Mar 11
Rock and Roll Fable Disable.
Like one of the songs that salubrious Diane Lane lip-syncs, the movie goes Nowhere Fast.
Release: Dec 83 – Review: 25 Aug 13
Dirty Sondra.
… this time, it’s not “Dirty” Harry Callahan doing the killing – it’s his chick!
Release: Sep 54 – Review: 13 Nov 14
Suddenly Moral Ambiguity.
An assassination attempt on the president of the United States – by Ol’ Blue Eyes!
Release: Sep 13 – Review: 15 Nov 14
Suddenly Unnecessarily.
… a moronic action movie created specifically to give erections to Republicans.
Release: Sep 16 – Review: 15 Sep 16
Glide to Glory.
Even Jesus only walked on water. Chesley Sullenberger landed a plane on it!
Release: May 02 – Review: 30 Jan 04
Ford Power.
… an inadequate, impotent re-imagining of a well-known filmic character.
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 22 Oct 11
Super Dupe-r.
… seems just another plagiaristic permutation of Hero-Without-Powers, but there is a touching pathos to Frank that all us downtrodden mortals can relate to…
Release: May 04 – Review: 20 Oct 09
Eat It To Death.
… one man’s personable and engaging take on the putrefaction of his innards.
Release: Aug 07 – Review: 23 Mar 09
Superbad: The Quest for Piece.
… bullet-train urgency, modern crudeness and razorburn truths, like a bear trap slamming over your scrote.
Release: Jul 48 – Review: 18 Jan 17
Justice has a new Panty—I mean, Face!
The first live action Superman!
Release: Dec 78 – Review: 11 Jul 06
One Part Steel, Two Parts Cheese.
When it’s good, SUPERMAN, like its hero, is super. When it’s bad, it is cheesier than a German cheese festival.
Release: Jul 81 – Review: 9 Dec 06
It’s a bird. It’s plain. It’s not super, man.
SUPERMAN II is two movies mashed together to make HALF a movie.
SUPERMAN II: THE RICHARD DONNER CUT
Release: Nov 06 – Review: 1 Aug 10
The Donner Party.
… better than the Richard Lester debacle. But not by much.
Release: Jun 83 – Review: 8 Jul 10
The Last Gasp of the Last Son of Krypton.
It’s a Richard Pryor movie starring Superman. No, it’s a Superman movie starring Richard Pryor. Whatever it is, no one’s taking SUPERMAN III seriously.
SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE
Release: Jul 87 – Review: 2 Dec 10
When super boy scouts bring peacenik fascism.
… Christopher Reeve would never get the chance to atone for all the waterheads around him who sullied the majestic concept that he alone would remain the Face of.
Release: Nov 51 – Review: 6 Feb 18
Wholly Mole-y.
… snoozefest, with a social message of tolerance that is no doubt lost on its core demographic of 12-year-old boys.
Release: Jun 06 – Review: 4 Jul 06
Ol’ Blue Eyes Is Back.
… merely a retelling of Richard Donner’s 1978 SUPERMAN for the iPod generation.
Release: Jun 07 – Review: 28 Jun 07
SURF’S UP, Up and Away.
Despite its mundane title, SURF’S UP is a totally tubular surfari of relentless comedy and madboy cuteness.
Release: Sep 09 – Review: 7 Mar 10
Rage Against The Machines.
Into this world where we poke, surf, tweet, blog, smile, frown, pillow fight – all without actually DOING any of it – comes a movie showing us exactly what would happen if our computers really could poke, surf, blog, smile, frown and pillow fight for us.
Release: Oct 04 – Review: 28 May 06
Surviving Affleck.
… another unfortunate example of James Gandolfini proving what a great actor he is whilst simultaneously besmirching his career by acting in this film.
SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 8 Jan 08
Slashing Singing Scissorhands.
Violent, gruesome, blackly hilarious, deliriously entertaining, director Tim Burton’s vision of SWEENEY TODD is a wild cry of bloodlust put to song.
Release: Aug 08 – Review: 14 Dec 11
Blockheading the vote.
… stupider than a session of the United States Congress…
Release: Aug 10 – Review: 10 Jan 15
Like taking a shot in the mouth and not having anywhere to spit.
It’s about a woman craving a baby. And 90% of the men have left the room…
Release: Dec 05 – Review: 31 Dec 05
Oil Is Not Well.
Stephen Gaghan uses the neck-snapping plotline to illustrate how oil machinations on a global level affect lives on a personal level.
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