TAK – THI
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 2 Jun 09
TAKEN for a thrill-ride.
Liam Neeson has always stood up for what’s right – but he’s never been so BADASS about it.
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 25 Oct 13
Directed by the aptly named Olivier Megaton, it’s now his job to present the same old shit without making it look like the same old shit.
Release: Jan 15 – Review: 13 Feb 16
Someone should’ve TAKEN the director’s place.
Olivier Megaton is the WORST ACTION DIRECTOR in history.
Release: Jun 09 – Review: 18 Nov 09
Rocking the remake rails.
… in all respects, the filmmakers have taken this PELHAM remake off the rails and done it justice.
Release: Oct 04 – Review: 25 May 09
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Of the heroes.
… saving the world from terrorism… whether we like it or not. It’s like THUNDERBIRDS for assholes.
Release: Jun 12 – Review: 10 Jul 13
If you go down to the woods today, You’re sure of a big surprise…
… fart jokes, dick jokes, scat jokes, smoking, drinking, drugging, prostitution. Bring the kids.
Release: Jun 15 – Review: 29 Jul 15
… badder, bolder, drunker and… seriouser?
Release: Aug 14 – Review: 9 Sep 15
Shelling to a new generation.
In a long list of TMNT comicbooks, cartoons and movies, this 2014 reboot is the latest iteration and definitely the turtliest.
Release: Nov 03 – Review: 20 Aug 05
Once every hundred-thousand years or so, when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow…
Tenacious D have become their own self-fulfilling prophecy: in satirically proclaiming they would “change the face of rock” – they have!
Release: Nov 06 – Review: 2 May 07
Fueled by Rocket Sauce… oh, and Satan.
Displace one ‘fuck’ and there would be diminishment; displace one ‘suck my cock’ and the structure would fall.
Release: Jun 04 – Review: 11 Sep 05
… one has to beat oneself about the head to comprehend how the world’s arguably greatest director and the world’s arguably greatest actor ever acceded to participating in this mundane project.
Release: Oct 84 – Review: 24 May 09
Rise of the Machine (i.e. Arnold).
Arnold Schwarzenegger as a killing machine with no emotions, big guns belching, outlandish feats of body strength, delivering his lines in a sinister, robotic monotone — hang on, that could be any of his movies.
Release: Jul 03 – Review: 4 Sep 14
… stars Ah-nuld in his third appearance as the Terminator, his first role since his heart attack and last role before Governor of California.
Release: May 09 – Review: 19 Jan 10
The Manchurian Candidator.
… continually yammering about “strong hearts” delineating humans from machines and “what it means to be human” and all manner of poignant story element so obviously cribbed from Screenwriting For Dummies – and lacks everything it yammers about.
Release: Mar 75 – Review: 20 Jul 14
The Tyranny of Evil Men…
Mechagodzilla is re-forged by aliens, and Titanosaurus is mind-ruled by scientists, sent to kill Godzilla, who is ass-raped by moviemakers.
Release: Mar 06 – Review: 26 May 06
Black Lung Satire.
… illustrates that the obstacles to truth are sometimes the very people exhorting you to seek it.
Release: Sep 13 – Review: 22 May 14
I’m Too Sexy For My Therapy.
… about a specific group of people who think about sex too much, who feel their excessive sexuality is causing problems in their relationships, and whose lives are ruled by their sexual impulses, in other words – EVERYONE.
Release: Oct 1996 – Review: 30 Sep 03
That Thing Done Well is a Thing of Beauty Indeed.
… focusing on the rise and fall of a rock group ensconced in British Invasion-era America..
Release: May 51 – Review: 13 Sep 17
Not Letting The Apple Fall Far…
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis prove themselves a formidable film comedy duo…
Release: Jun 54 – Review: 12 Apr 14
Giant ants – irradiated by atomic bomb testing – overrun the Californian desert, and big white Californian men are there to save the day.
Release: Nov 14 – Review: 22 Mar 16
A Very, Very Brief History of Hawking.
… Stephen Hawking appears as a B-character in the movie about his life, while his first wife Jane hijacks the narrative…
Release: Jan 08 – Review: 10 Dec 08
Without Day-Lewis, writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson’s tale of a ruthless oil baron would simply be a very good movie, rather than a steel-toed boot to the groin…
Release: Jan 42 – Review: 4 Jan 09
Dying is Easy, History is Hard.
… a reimagining of Custer as noble hero, so Whitey white-white it turns albino even before we can start laughing at Errol Flynn’s effeteness.
Release: Apr 51 – Review: 29 Mar 14
Humans Bigger Dicks Than Aliens.
An American Arctic outpost, complete with built-in misogyny, racism, a smartass reporter and military drogues, encounter an extra-terrestrial alien with the constitution of a carrot. And sauté it.
Release: Oct 96 – Review: 5 Dec 13
THINNER is Phat.
A gypsy’s curse makes a man become – thinner.
Release: Jan 01 – Review: 9 Jun 10
Immovable Force meets Unstoppable Accent.
The people were real, the crisis was deadly, the decisions were world-shaking. And the accents were abominable.
Release: Dec 12 – Review: 25 Sep 13
This is Soporific.
Like anyone under 40 will care, and like anyone over 40 will care LESS.
Release: Oct 09 – Review: 22 Nov 09
Blood on the Dance Floor.
Better than a concert, better than a front row ticket, better than a faux-leather red jacket with lots of zippers.
Release: Jun 13 – Review: 23 Jul 13
The Apocalypse is Upon Us… and it’s at James Franco’s house.
Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel drop in at James Franco’s housewarming party in Hollywood – just in time for The Apocalypse.
THO – TRE
Release: May 11 – Review: 26 Nov 11
Godliness is next to prettiness.
Director Kenneth Branagh brings THOR to the big screen with all the respect that a Thunder God deserves and all the cut obliques that a woman craves.
Release: Nov 17 – Review: 13 Jun 18
Comedy of Errors.
… almighty Asgard, the Realm of the Gods, annihilated, as foretold by prophecy older than time. Oh, and Thor becomes a standup comedian.
Release: Nov 13 – Review: 16 Feb 16
The Dork World.
… like watching four grandiose movies squashed into the space of bitches slapping each other in a reality show.
Release: Mar 12 – Review: 19 Aug 14
Nine-hundred and ninety words too long.
… just needs four words to describe it: Writing: good. Movie: average.
Release: Nov 17 – Review: 1 Feb 18
After a murder investigation goes cold, the mother of the murdered girl purchases advertising, to turn up the heat on the local sheriff, by reminding the town of his neglect.
Release: Oct 99 – Review: 12 Aug 10
KELLY’S HEROES without the ragtag.
… ferocious black comedy; heavy action, heavy emotion, heavier incongruity, as a troop of American soldiers in Iraq attempts to steal Saddam Hussein’s gold.
Release: Jan 57 – Review: 23 May 15
Prone to Throne.
… Macbeth is retold in medieval Japan; conquering armies, witch prophecies, grasping leaders and their conniving wives. Just another day in Washington.
Release: Aug 09 – Review: 31 Mar 10
Going and coming across time.
… intriguing tale of a man who involuntarily travels back and forth in time, whose major problem is not, it would seem, holding down a job or keeping important appointments, but rather that it puts a crimp in his Nookie Schedule.
Release: Oct 64 – Review: 8 May 17
Time and Time Again – Stealing from H.G. Wells.
Three scientists and one doofus find that their time machine viewscreen is also a portal!
Release: Nov 03 – Review: 21 Jul 05
Space-Time Continuum Saved by Surfer Dude & Community Theatre Actress.
Paul Walker’s onscreen presence is constantly overpowered by any day-player, mule or piece of rock which accidentally shares the screen with him.
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 2 Dec 14
Choking on the Yellow Thick Chode.
Honestly, I don’t know how Zooey Deschanel continues to get work.
Release: Dec 97 – Review: 3 May 06
The King Of The World meets The Bitch Of The Sea.
A well-made, mind-numbing romance this cheesy usually scores low – but Cameron gained his points purely due to his magnificent boat-tipping.
Release: Dec 62 – Review: 30 Dec 09
To Live and Die in Americana.
… vibrant with the spirit of America – everything that made America – the intolerance and the acceptance…
Release: Dec 93 – Review: 22 May 08
When the West Was Huckleberry.
The PULP FICTION of westerns, with its vivid dialogue and firestorm set pieces.
Release: Mar 75 – Review: 29 Jul 06
Rock God as Singing Savior.
… simultaneously an electrifying musical monolith and a descent into drug-induced kookiness.
Release: Mar 86 – Review: 22 Jul 13
Highway To The Gayer Zone.
… the movie that wrested the crown from MAD MAX 2: THE ROAD WARRIOR as the Gayest Movie Ever Made.
Release: Sep 70 – Review: 27 May 12
Rising Sun over Despising Sam.
… respectfully exposes the comedy of errors that positioned America bare-assed to the rising sun.
Release: Jul 09 – Review: 29 Mar 11
Darwin Awards Redux.
… like a more intelligent version of comments posted under YouTube videos, television’s TOSH.0 is a wicked sign of our discourteous, disaffected, lurid times.
Release: Sep 10 – Review: 9 Feb 11
A Tale of Two Townies.
… as director, co-screenwriter and star, Affleck executes the tale well, with terse direction, street cred kineticism and a three-day growth to die for.
Release: Nov 95 – Review: 1 May 06
… succeeds on all levels – in its animation, storyline, character development, its messages of friendship and self-realization…
Release: Nov 99 – Review: 4 Sep 10
Toying with our emotions.
… upping the chase ante and breaking our hearts with animated toys that are better actors than people.
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 14 Sep 10
A decade later, we’re still a bunch of kids.
… the magic of every TOY STORY is not in its synopsis, but in the execution of the movie and the depth of its characters. And cuteness. Don’t forget cuteness.
Release: Mar 06 – Review: 25 Dec 16
… she’s a woman playing a man becoming a woman, and throughout the film, we never ever doubt that she is a man!
Release: Apr 14 – Review: 15 Apr 16
Johnny versus JARVIS in a battle to the terabyte.
Release: Jul 07 – Review: 1 Aug 08
More Than Meets The Eye-Strain.
Though the detail is astounding on these robots, it’s ocular candy to the myocardial infarction degree. Yeh, my eyes hurt.
Release: JuN 14 – Review: 17 Aug 158
Extinction is just a Michael Bay away.
Ironically, this movie has helped the franchise achieve its own extinction.
Release: Jun 11 – Review: 11 Dec 11
Big things breaking bigger things.
I’m sure the budget of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON could wipe out Liberia’s deficit…
Release: Jun 09 – Review: 25 Oct 09
The PC-vs-Mac wars escalate.
… unnecessary complicated backstory, piled on juggernaut computer action that makes our optic nerves jigger like topless dancers in an earthquake.
Release: Apr 04 – Review: 26 Feb 06
Where Girlfriends Fear to Tread.
You need not watch TREKKIES to understand TREKKIES 2. No sense in hurting your intelligence lobe twice in the same area.
TRI – TWI
A TRIP TO THE MOON
Release: Oct 1902 – Review: 9 Apr 11
A Trip by any other name – would be just as hallucinogenic.
… by Frenchman Georges Méliès, the innovator who took the “moving pictures” to the next level during the birth of cinema.
TRISTAN AND ISOLDE
Release: Jan 06 – Review: 19 Jun 09
ROMEO AND JULIET meets mincing BRAVEHEART.
… reimagined yet again for a modern audience, with a blond babe sporting tresses slapping her backside and James Franco flexing his muscles as much as possible.
Release: Jul 82 – Review: 26 Aug 11
Lethal Frisbees and lighted panties.
The irony: this first ever digital world was created using only analog techniques!
Release: Dec 10 – Review: 29 Aug 11
… a COMPUTER SIMULATION of young Jeff Bridges! Oh, sweet irony of ironies! This film’s plot, after all, is about stopping computer programs escaping into the real world!
Release: Aug 08 – Review: 28 Feb 09
Bringing the Thunder.
As gut-wrenching as APOCALYPSE, as heartfelt as RYAN, and as filthy as fuck…
TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE
Release: Oct 12 – Review: 20 Jul 13
Trouble with the Script.
Hold up a mirror to Brad Pitt’s MONEYBALL, you get Eastwood’s TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE.
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 29 Mar 10
Puts the “troubled” back in teen.
Outside the American system, TROUBLED WATER doesn’t need to conform to any arc of redemption. The sun almost shines for Jan, then the waters get dark and cloudy. Wade in…
Release: May 04 – Review: 19 Oct 05
All bronzed bicep, leonine mane and CG soldiery, Troy is a glut-fest of regal posturing and battle-flavored man-stench.
Release: Mar 99 – Review: 7 Feb 10
The true crime is this movie’s shallowness.
Aside from implicit racism, no real issues are broached…
Release: Jun 69 – Review: 17 Feb 11
Flight of The Rooster.
… taking The Duke beyond his safety zone of pure-hearted, white-hatted, virginal good guy-ism and into the dark realm of dirt-talking, whiskey-guzzling, gun-killing, badass-tastic.
TRUE GRIT 2010
Release: Dec 10 – Review: 15 Feb 11
From Duke to Dude.
… writers-directors The Coen Brothers have done the purists, the Duke, and the Western art form damn proud.
Release: Jul 94 – Review: 9 Oct 09
Arnold’s back – in yet another extremely silly, extremely enjoyable comedy-actioner…
Release: Sep 93 – Review: 18 Mar 10
Delicious Vicious, Frantic Romantic.
A brazen thug-fest, played like an adventure story for boys.
THE TRUMAN SHOW
Release: Jun 98 – Review: 31 Dec 06
Masterpiece in a Microcosm.
Written by Andrew Niccol in an audacious fit of prescience, Truman Burbank (Carrey) is an unsuspecting pawn in the most ambitious reality show ever conceived…
THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS
Release: Apr 96 – Review: 18 May 07
No Truth in CATS AND DOGS.
Re-telling of the age-old Cyrano tale with Janeane Garofalo as The Nose and Uma Thurman as The Bod.
THE TV WHEEL
Release: 1995 – Review: 24 Apr 04
Pure Joel, Pure Genius.
… may not be wholly original, but the energy and creativity Joel brought to this simple concept outweighed any kind of composite plagiarism.
Release: Nov 08 – Review: 11 Jun 10
A chick falls in love with a fey vampire. They don’t have sex. The End.
TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 1
Release: Nov 11 – Review: 31 Aug 13
Breaking Wind, Fart 1.
Edward the Vampire and Bella Swan the Human marry. So why is Jacob the Werewolf still doing his third wheel impression like a fart that won’t dissipate?
TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2
Release: Nov 12 – Review: 15 Nov 16
Faking Porn, Fart 2.
… all these vampire models standing around doing nothing and all these werewolf models standing around doing nothing with their shirts off.
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 2 Jul 13
The Teen Team.
… the most chilling decision mankind has ever faced: Team Edward or Team Jacob.
TWILIGHT NEW MOON
Release: Nov 09 – Review: 6 Feb 11
Dead – and Mumbling It.
Kristen Stewart mumbles her way through another TWILIGHT movie.
Release: May 96 – Review: 24 Jul 08
… trying to throw an aluminum thingy filled with little aluminum thingies into a tornado. They say it’s to research these natural disasters. Cue joke about this movie being natural disaster.