CREED III

Poffy The Cucumber

The Winner That Became a Winner. Adonis Creed (Michael B. Jordan) is the Heavyweight Champion of the World. He retires. Someone else wins the title. So he UN-retires to become the Heavyweight Champion of the World again, winning a fight that he never had to enter. Where’s the journey? The plot of CREED III seems… inconsequential. Of course, the screenwriters … Read More

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WHIPLASH 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Blood, Sweat and Tears. But mostly blood. Man, there is blood over EVERYTHING in this movie; blood over his hands, his drums, his cymbals, his sticks. It’s like you can’t practice the drums without a significant amount of blood loss. So this is jazz, huh? WHIPLASH shows us the rugged reality of chasing dreams, the mind-numbing repetition and unsung practice; … Read More

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ELVIS 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

Elvis: The Man, The Legend, The Manager? Baz Luhrmann’s ELVIS crams the rise and fall of rock ‘n roll legend Elvis Presley into a questionable biopic – because it’s told from the POV of his manager! Tom Hanks (under obese makeup) plays Colonel Tom Parker, the enigmatic manager who shepherded Elvis into the stratosphere, in an astounding performance only slightly … Read More

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TOP GUN: MAVERICK

Poffy The Cucumber

Highway To The Ager Zone. Exciting? CHECK. Emotional? CHECK. Goddamit, I really wanted to make gay jokes about this movie! But TOP GUN: MAVERICK, even with its hokey premise and neanderthal plot, really is an exciting cinematic engulfment, tearing us headlong into azure space with those magnificent men (and women now too!) in their flying machines. Ace fighter pilot from … Read More

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CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

Poffy The Cucumber

Captains Courageous… or not. CAPTAIN PHILLIPS details the real-life hijacking of the freighter ship Maersk Alabama by Somali pirates on April 8, 2009, and how its captain was taken hostage. And gaslights him into an undeserving hero. Amongst his own officers, opinion was that the real Captain Richard Phillips was an arrogant, self-righteous prick. He was no selfless hero. So … Read More

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MOONFALL 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

…and we thought ARMAGEDDON was devoid of science. MOONFALL is Roland Emmerich’s latest disaster– I mean, disaster movie. The Moon de-orbits toward Earth, and only a conspiracy theorist can save the day! Thanks for giving conspiracy asshats a platform, Roland! John Bradley is the conspiracy nut, KC, whose wildest theories about the Moon being a megastructure built by aliens are … Read More

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I SEE YOU

Poffy The Cucumber

The Horror of Being Human. The scariest thing in this movie is Helen Hunt’s face. Hunt is Jackie, married to Detective Harper (Jon Tenney), with a teen son Connor (Judah Lewis). And she’s just had an affair that has driven her family apart irreconcilably. And something supernatural is going on in her house. I SEE YOU starts as a generic … Read More

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STAR TREK: BEYOND

Poffy The Cucumber

Going where everyone has gone before.. A former Starship captain-turned-alien tries to reignite interstellar conflict between humans and aliens. It gets Kirk off his bored ass, into action posedown mode. STAR TREK: BEYOND doesn’t seem to know what to do with itself, much like Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine); after 966 days in space, he’s feeling jaded fulfilling the … Read More

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PULGASARI

Poffy The Cucumber

GODZILLA meets BRAVEHEART in a battle to the Kim Jong-il. Downtrodden villagers in feudal Korea are aided by a giant magical beast called PULGASARI that feeds on iron, and, through its appetite for swords and spears and cannon, helps them overthrow the tyrant king. However, Pulgasari continues to consume iron, eating the villagers out of their farms and livelihoods, in … Read More

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ESCAPE PLAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Rocky and Terminator: Retirement Plan. A man who analyzes prison weaknesses by escaping from them is imprisoned in one of his own creations by people who want him disappeared. Now he’s gotta do it for reals! Former rivals, now old pals, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up in ESCAPE PLAN, a brawling actioner that never strays too far from … Read More

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NOPE 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

Probing your mind, not your anus. A renowned horse trainer and his sister experience strange happenings on their farm. They soon discover the horses are being spooked by something Not Of Planet Earth. Writer-director Jordan Peele subverts our expectations with such an original story in NOPE that it catches us off-guard. Yes, there is something extra-terrestrial prancing around in the … Read More

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YOU PEOPLE 2023

Poffy The Cucumber

Wake up and smell the sensitivity. Ezra (Jonah Hill), a jewish man, meets and woos a black girl, Amira (Lauren London), to the horror of her strict muslim father, and to the delight of his ingratiating parents. And we’re stuck watching the same tired romcom, rebooted for gen-z. I don’t know why I thought YOU PEOPLE would be anything more … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-07: MY FRIEND, MR NOBODY

Poffy The Cucumber

Angela Cartwright: Star Lite. Penny gets her moment in the sun… or at least, on a planet orbiting a different sun, as she is the focus of this drug-induced episode, where she befriends a disembodied voice in a cave, only to have that voice attack her family via an earthquake through a misunderstanding, and for it to then reconcile with … Read More

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THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA

Poffy The Cucumber

Breaking Dumb. THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA is not one of those horror movies where the first Act is ominous and it falls apart as it reels toward a dumb climax; no, this movie breaks dumb from its opening frames, with the very event that defines its curse – in 1673, a Mexican mother drowns her two children, after discovering … Read More

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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL

Poffy The Cucumber

Casper The Frenzied Ghost. The one with the Burj Khalifa. By this fourth MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE film, all the adventures are jumbled together in our heads; the only way to tell them apart is by each film’s stunts. 1996’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE had the fish tank restaurant, the suspension gag and the helicopter-bullet-train climax; II had free-climbing, bike stunts and the knife-to-the-eye … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-06: WELCOME STRANGER

Poffy The Cucumber

The Garbled Gaslighting of Irwin Allen. What the Robinsons thought was a missile heading toward them in the previous episode cliffhanger, turns out to be a spacecraft. It lands, and a regular human man exits. He’s sporting a cowboy hat and a Southern accent. And all the promise that LOST IN SPACE showed in this first Season, as a serious … Read More

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MY OCTOPUS TEACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

An Octopus’s Garden. In this time of world paranoia and pissant politics, anti-social media and overwhelming junk art, you can do nothing better than to extricate yourself from humanity and immerse your overextended senses in nature’s harmony and fluid balance. Put something off, be irresponsible, and sink into the wondrous world of MY OCTOPUS TEACHER, a documentary about a man … Read More

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OLD

Poffy The Cucumber

OLD is defeated by its Young. “I’d rather watch his movies than some dumb remakes of movie classics that don’t need to be made.“ – Jenna Michie, youtube comment. A six-year-old boy says, “I can do a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, which is a considerable thing to do…” Well, it IS. But who talks like that?! Okay, maybe he’s written as … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-05: THE HUNGRY SEA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Plotline That Needn’t Be. I don’t think the writers know how spaceships work: that they insulate the people inside from extremes of cold and heat. Writers Shimon Wincelberg and William Welch want to get the Space Family Robinson into a situation not unlike the Swiss Family Robinson: out on the open sea in a raging tempest… So begins the … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-04: THERE WERE GIANTS IN THE EARTH

Poffy The Cucumber

Giant Cyclops, Tiny Science. First of all, that title – There Were Giants In The Earth. This ain’t Earth. And that fact alone should make the Space Family Robinson think twice about any interaction they have with the native fauna or flora… it doesn’t, as they go about eating the flora and killing the fauna, even though the movie year … Read More

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