Poffy The Cucumber

I Didn’t Shit Right For a Week.

So filthy. So disgusting. So irreverent… So funny.

BadSanta_captionBilly Bob Thornton gives new meaning to “Santa Claus is coming to town” as a drunken, lecherous, foul-mouthed thief posing as a department store Santa with his accomplice elf (little person, Tony Cox), only to rob each store that employs them.

BAD SANTA is THE funniest film about that maudlin end-of-year idiot season, told with leering gusto and outrageous bravado by director Terry Zwigoff and writers, Glenn Ficarra and John Requa. This ain’t ELF (2003).

It helps if you’re not offended by atheism. It helps if you’re not offended by alcoholism around young kids. It helps if you’re not offended by a kiddie icon with a backdoor fetish and a bargirl with a Santa fetish; it helps if you’re not uncomfortable around extremely old people, little people, fat people, black people; it helps if you’re not an ass-klown; it helps if you’re not offended by the n-word, by the f-word, the p-word, the m-word, the s-word, and of course, the most offensive of all, the c-word – christmas…

It would help if you just didn’t tell your parents you were watching BAD SANTA. Even if you’re an adult.

No matter how much his elf berates him, no matter how many BBW salesgirls he plonks in the dressing rooms, proclaiming, “You ain’t gonna shit right for a week!”; no matter how many times he pukes on kids or pisses himself in the Santa chair, nothing can stop Billy Bob’s Santa spiraling into the drain.

Until he meets Thurman. Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly): the model that evolution used for all neo maxi zoom dweebies. Thurman is 10, chubby, picked on by older kids at school and holds an unwavering belief that this is really Santa, against all the denials and derogation Santa hurls at him. He is almost a stalker – actually, he IS a stalker, who intervenes and saves Santa’s life when Ajay Naidu makes a cameo as a Hindustani Santa-hater and tries to ass-rape Santa while maintaining vociferously, “I’m not gay!”

I’d like to say Santa’s heart is quaintly thawed by neurotic young Thurman and his advent calendar and the gift pickle carved from wood and colored with his own blood, but, well… you can see it ain’t that quaint.

Santa hides out in Thurman’s house, drunk, plonking the Santa-fetish bargirl (sweet Lauren Graham) and stealing Thurman’s chocolates from his advent calendar. The turning point comes when Santa stands up to Thurman’s bullies, surprising himself that he could care for someone other than himself.

Hang on – it still doesn’t get quaint. It just gets drunker. And ends with a pink elephant.

John Ritter (in his last role) is the perturbed store manager who is too afraid to fire Santa and his elf for fear of pc repercussions, empowering security manager Bernie Mac to do it – who doesn’t fire them but blackmails them for a piece of the action.

BAD SANTA is not one of those movies that giggles behinds its hands and pretends to be insurrect while delivering a message of Joy To The World (CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS, 2004), or – worse still – one of those movies that purports to delivering a message of Joy To The World while really preaching antisocialism and evil (DECK THE HALLS, 2006). If you want something refreshing in your stocking besides toejam and creamy contradictory messages of peace on earth, do BAD SANTA.

From behind.


BadSanta_titleBAD SANTA (Nov 2003) R
Director: Terry Zwigoff.
Writers: Glenn Ficarra, John Requa.
Music: David Kitay.
Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly, Lauren Graham, Lauren Tom, Bernie Mac, John Ritter, Ajay Naidu, Octavia Spencer.
Word Count: 600     No. 341
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