ADAM LAMBERT: The Fury and the Passion (and the High Heels)

Jon Dunmore

Over the entire season, you have been one of the best, most original contestants we’ve ever had on the show. And the whole idea about doing a show like this is that you hope that you can find a worldwide star. I genuinely believe with all my heart that we have found that with you. — Simon Cowell, AMERICAN IDOL … Read More

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HEROISM | How Would You Define a Hero?

Jon Dunmore

he movie AMERICAN SNIPER opens up another definition of the word “hero” – a sneaky prick who shoots you in the back. And it got me thinking: Just what is this American fascination with the term “hero?” The word is bandied about like a stray volleyball, encapsulating foopball players, ath-o-letes, musicians, actors, to people who are merely doing their job … Read More

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Crime DOES Pay. Always has.

Jon Dunmore

here did this notion spring from that “crime doesn’t pay”? People say Crime Doesn’t Pay as if it’s an alternative profession you can choose to pursue, and as if that profession is the only profession in the world that doesn’t pay. Implying that every profession other than “crime” does pay. Like a job at McDonald’s pays. Like a job as … Read More

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Poffy’s ODE to | Teresa Palmer

Poffy The Cucumber

Oh, superblond Teresa Palmer My love for you has reached critical mass Knowing that you can kick my ass. It’s just karma That I crave your pajama Like a farmer. Was there drama When you voted Obama To stop Big Pharma? Let us eat shawarma On my llama Like Jeffrey Dahmer. There’s no harm-a And I’ll be calmer When you … Read More

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PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN | Eulogy

Jon Dunmore

The Passing of a Powerhouse. e was no Schwarzenegger or Cruise or Willis – but he could slam the breath from your body with greater force. He was no Pitt or Gosling or Clooney – but you could not tear your eyes from him. I cannot pinpoint exactly when Philip Seymour Hoffman appeared on radar as an Actor’s Actor (his … Read More

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Poffy’s ODE to | Téa Leoni

Poffy The Cucumber

Téa May I Leia? END TÉA LEONI Hottest in: BAD BOYS GHOST TOWN SPANGLISH TOWER HEIST by Jon Dunmore © 20 Jan 2014. Back to: RANT INDEX Word Count: 4      Rant: 16   Tweet Spread the love       

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Poffy’s ODE to | Evangeline Lilly

Poffy The Cucumber

ElVen ANGEL mINE. Oh, to be green With Evangeline Lilly, oh Lilly You pointy-eared filly. Don’t trust myself Around your She-Elf. Your arrows of love Are par for the course Do to me please Like you do that Dwarf. Below the beltway You make me feel Like REAL STEEL. Battle dagger hips Steven Tyler lips Stay awhile Cave troll style… … Read More

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BOB DAISLEY Autobiography | For Facts Sake

Jon Dunmore

The Diary of a Mad Man. I came from a working class family in the western suburbs of Sydney, Australia, and ended up in London working with the biggest names in Rock. — Bob Daisley, “For Facts Sake.” s a teen, my rowdy musical clique used to think of rock bassist Bob Daisley as a god. Even if you are … Read More

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NONE MORE PRO | The Muddying of “Pro-Life” in the Abortion Debate Debacle.

Jon Dunmore

ince when is the opposite of Pro-Choice “Pro-Life”? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the opposite of Pro-Choice “ANTI”-Choice? Such is the underhanded misnomered word game the extremist villagers who call themselves the American Republican Party have played since the landmark decision Roe v. Wade made abortion legal in the United States in 1973. And everyone else has played … Read More

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DESERVED DAMAGE-JOY | Mitt Romney’s Thanksgiving Present to the United States – Losing.

Jon Dunmore

e have so much to be thankful for this 2012 Thanksgiving Season. Mitt Romney lost. America, GIVE THANKS Mitt Romney won’t be appointing any Republican judges to the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade. Barack Obama won. And America laughed. At Mitt Romney. Not because America was mean-spirited and petty, but because Mitt Romney pretzeled himself into such a … Read More

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WITCHFYNDER GENERAL DEFROCKED | The Resignation of David Petraeus and the Humiliation of the CIA.

Jon Dunmore

avid Petraeus, though resigning as CIA Director under inauspicious circumstances, is being heralded as a warrior poet, a god-king, a “legend” who “saved the war in Iraq,” “one of the outstanding generals of his day”; President Obama effused that Petraeus “served with intellectual rigor, dedication and patriotism.” But David Petraeus is a piece of shit. Why? It’s not because he … Read More

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JON LORD EULOGY | Stormbringer Dance on the Thunder Again…

Jon Dunmore

e was God. And if any would debate that fact, none can deny that his very name was Lord. Something is askew in the world that can never be righted. Upon Jon Lord’s death, his press agent stated, “Jon passes from Darkness to Light” – but alas, he has left US in darkness… He has toured the planet in “the … Read More

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RAPTURE 2011 | Doom Watch with Poffy The Cucumber, Horsecuke of the Apocalypse…

Poffy The Cucumber

t is I, Poffy The Cucumber! And I am here to save your planet from Rapture. I am one of the lesser gods of creation. (Cronus and Rhea are my pals. I play tennis with Prometheus.) And I have noticed that your malevolent christian god plans to quake the Earth and kill most of you who worship him and kill … Read More

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CALL ME GOD (and I’ll still respect you in the morning)

Jon Dunmore

      What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus?… — Joan Osborne, “One of Us.” emme get this straight: if you discovered God was a knock-kneed, sunken-chested, bus-traveling sex-pervert, you people – you forgiving christians – would still worship him? Your first indignant objection is, “Why … Read More

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TERRORIST IS THE NEW NIGGER | How The Rednecks stay one step ahead of us.

Jon Dunmore

JOHN MCCAIN’S STORY SO FAR: First the Republican nominee for president assured us that the “fundamentals of the economy were strong.” On seeing coffee flying out of everyone’s noses at that assertion, he changed his mind. Then the suggestion was to fire the Chairman of the SEC. Informed that a president isn’t allowed to fire a Chairman of the SEC, … Read More

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ALCOHOLICS CONTRANONYMOUS | A Non-Alcoholic’s Journey Through Alcoholism.

Jon Dunmore

he was everything I liked in a woman: blonde, blue eyes, big tits – and drunk. And then there’s that old saw: Be careful what you wish for… There is a cautionary tale in The Harlan Ellison Hornbook (1990) describing all the stupid things he did for the sake of a particular woman – Valerie – and if it weren’t … Read More

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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRIVING | The Dunmore’s Rejoinder to the Catholic Clergy.

Jon Dunmore

The Impossible Dream of Thou Shalt Not Rape. Got road rage? The Vatican on Tuesday issued a set of “Ten Commandments” for drivers, telling motorists to be charitable to others on the highways, to refrain from drinking and driving, and to pray you make it before you even buckle up. — Associated Press, Vatican City, June 19, 2007. ard to … Read More

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Stormtrooper Training Manual

Poffy The Cucumber

STAR WARS Stormtroopers: From A New Hope to NO Hope. onsidering the crass ineffectualness of the Empire’s military troops, we wonder whether Lucas called them stormtroopers to conjure foreboding images of the well-oiled Nazi war machine – or to poke satirical fun at the Nazis. One step to the left and they’d be Keystone Cops. (Rescind that order: if they … Read More

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Virginia Tech Shootings 2007 | The Killing Of American Scruples

Jon Dunmore

The Killing Of American Scruples.   gather from all the psycho-babble that the technical term for the sniper at Virginia Tech University is “Unbelievable Dickhead.” So, to exercise something which the nationwide news networks have forgotten should be the cornerstone of their existence – scruples – I refuse to name the Unbelievable Dickhead responsible for the deaths of 32 people … Read More

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POFFY GIVES ZERO RESPECT | A Small Cucumber in the Big Apple

Jon Dunmore

…the only thing we have to fear is fear itself… — Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States. The World Trade Center razing on September 11, 2001, was such a momentous calamity that generations from now, there will still be bad TV movies made about it. After Poffy The Cucumber’s numerous screeds pertaining to the Twin Towers’ toppling, … Read More

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