UNFROSTED

Poffy The Cucumber

Dry outer layer, fake sugary center. It’s really just more of like a kitschy, uh, thing, which is one of the most unfunny—well, maybe it’s just a bad trailer… — Sam Seder, Majority Report. Jerry Seinfeld continues his unblemished record of never being funny. UNFROSTED supposedly recounts a fictional battle between Kellogg’s and Post Cereal to invent the pop tart. … Read More

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AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Aquaman and the Lost Art of Moviemaking. AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM finds Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) seeking to destroy the world with the aid of a black trident owned by a phantom king from a lost undersea kingdom. As a side-dish, Manta wants revenge on Aquaman (Jason Momoa) for killing his father. Aquaman saves the day with his … Read More

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GODZILLA MINUS ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla Minus Heft. GODZILLA MINUS ONE opens with Japanese kamikaze pilot Koichi (Ryunosuke Kamiki) landing his fighter aircraft at a repair station on Odo Island, reporting the plane as faulty. Godzilla aficionados go nuts. Odo is, of course, where Godzilla was first sighted in the very first GOJIRA (1954). It is 1945, the end of World War II, and the … Read More

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THE FLASH 2023

Poffy The Cucumber

Jackass and Jackassier. Flash uses his super-speed to time-travel into the past to stop his mother’s murder. And meets his younger self. And discovers he’s a jackass. THE FLASH is a surprisingly touching film about the love between a son and his mother; a poignant theme which is subsumed by the bombast of the perfunctory CGI and obligatory juvenile gags … Read More

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COCAINE BEAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Cocaine is a helluva pic-a-nic basket! Black bear. White powder. Black comedy. When a drug runner dumps his airplane cargo of cocaine bricks over a Georgia forest, a black bear ingests some, and becomes as obsessed with finding more blow as Yogi Bear in his quest for pic-a-nic baskets. Only more junkie. As he finds more bricks and eats them, … Read More

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MEG 2: THE TRENCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Scraping the bottom of the trench. Jason Statham gets ONE semi-hearted jutsu scene at the beginning of MEG 2: THE TRENCH, then it’s just a dumb fish movie from there… If you want a shark movie that’s stupid, try SHARKNADO. For a shark movie that’s boring, try THE MEG. If you want a shark movie that’s boring AND stupid, then … Read More

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THE POPE’S EXORCIST

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No Sympathy for the Devil. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted: it isn’t. Grow up! — Jimmy Carr, comedian. Supposedly a tale from the “real-life files” of Father Gabriel Amorth, Chief Exorcist of the Vatican (from 1986-2000), THE POPE’S EXORCIST follows Amorth in a 1987 case as he exorcises a young boy possessed by Mick Jagger … Read More

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BLACK ADAM

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So much potential, so little Fate… HENRY CAVILL IS BACK! No, wait – aw shit! – he’s gone again… Black Adam awakens from a 5000-year slumber. And only James Bond can sing him back to sleep. Born from the same magic as Captain Marvel (i.e. by pronouncing the word “SHAZAM!”), ancient protector Teth-Adam (Dwayne Johnson) is awakened by archaeologist Adrianna … Read More

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65

Poffy The Cucumber

Kylo Ren: Before The Dark Side. 65 million years ago, Kylo Ren crash-lands on Earth the day before the asteroid hits. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, exuding Keanu energy, leaves his home planet Somaris on an interstellar mission that would separate him from his ailing daughter (Chloe … Read More

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OPPENHEIMER 2023

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The REAL Quantum Mania. Christopher Nolan’s OPPENHEIMER follows the “father of the atomic bomb,” J. Robert Oppenheimer, as he gathers geniuses, cockblocks politicians, and bangs mistresses. A breakneck political thriller with loads of intrigue and dramatic flourish, with an award-winning performance by Cillian Murphy (PEAKY BLINDERS) as the titular physicist, who delved into the quantum realm and actually conquered it. … Read More

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CREED III

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The Winner That Became a Winner. Adonis Creed (Michael B. Jordan) is the Heavyweight Champion of the World. He retires. Someone else wins the title. So he UN-retires to become the Heavyweight Champion of the World again, winning a fight that he never had to enter. Where’s the journey? The plot of CREED III seems… inconsequential. Of course, the screenwriters … Read More

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ELVIS 2022

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Elvis: The Man, The Legend, The Manager? Baz Luhrmann’s ELVIS crams the rise and fall of rock ‘n roll legend Elvis Presley into a questionable biopic – because it’s told from the POV of his manager! Tom Hanks (under obese makeup) plays Colonel Tom Parker, the enigmatic manager who shepherded Elvis into the stratosphere, in an astounding performance only slightly … Read More

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TOP GUN: MAVERICK

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Highway To The Ager Zone. Exciting? CHECK. Emotional? CHECK. Goddamit, I really wanted to make gay jokes about this movie! But TOP GUN: MAVERICK, even with its hokey premise and neanderthal plot, really is an exciting cinematic engulfment, tearing us headlong into azure space with those magnificent men (and women now too!) in their flying machines. Ace fighter pilot from … Read More

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NOPE 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

Probing your mind, not your anus. A renowned horse trainer and his sister experience strange happenings on their farm. They soon discover the horses are being spooked by something Not Of Planet Earth. Writer-director Jordan Peele subverts our expectations with such an original story in NOPE that it catches us off-guard. Yes, there is something extra-terrestrial prancing around in the … Read More

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YOU PEOPLE 2023

Poffy The Cucumber

Wake up and smell the sensitivity. Ezra (Jonah Hill), a jewish man, meets and woos a black girl, Amira (Lauren London), to the horror of her strict muslim father, and to the delight of his ingratiating parents. And we’re stuck watching the same tired romcom, rebooted for gen-z. I don’t know why I thought YOU PEOPLE would be anything more … Read More

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DIO: DREAMERS NEVER DIE

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A Dark In The Rainbow. I could have been a dreamer / I could have been the one to fly / I always could have been a dreamer / ‘Cause dreamers never die, no!… — Dio, I Could Have Been A Dreamer (Album: Dream Evil) He saved Ritchie Blackmore, then he saved Black Sabbath, which propelled him into his own … Read More

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HOUSE OF GUCCI

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Yoko Gucci. Lady Gaga stars as Patrizia Reggiani, one of the world’s greatest gold-diggers (alongside Heather Mills, Anna Nicole Smith and Melania Trump). From a poor Italian family, Patrizia manipulates her way into THE HOUSE OF GUCCI in 1972, marrying Maurizio Gucci (Adam Driver), heir to the Gucci fashion empire. Not content to sit on the sidelines and earn a … Read More

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JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION

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Insectovorus Plotarmordon. Dinosaurs are everywhere. Loosed on the world in 2018’s FALLEN KINGDOM, they’re now as ubiquitous as cats and dogs in JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION. The stars of JURASSIC WORLD, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, are teamed alongside JURASSIC PARK legacy players Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum, to take down Biosyn, the Big Bad Corp messing with … Read More

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TROLL 2022

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Norway’s Godzilla. There was the Norwegian thriller TROLL HUNTER in 2010, an enjoyable modern take on the ancient fairy tale legends. Now Norway blasts out TROLL, an even more grounded, more thrilling, more gargantuan meshing of ancient legend with modern warfare… So… Is Norway cornering the market on troll IP? During an excavation through a mountain in Dovre, Norway, a … Read More

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THE BATMAN 2022

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  Knight’s in Black Battin’. A young Batman, in his second year of fighting crime, feels futility mounting in his quest to rid Gotham of corruption. When he is enlisted to help Lieutenant Jim Gordon against a terrorist known as The Riddler who is killing politicians, he begins to question how high up the corruption goes, and is confronted with … Read More

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