DEATH TO 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

Like telling 9-11 jokes on 9-12. DEATH TO 2020 – an uncomfortable mix of bad history and worse comedy. “Bad” not meaning it’s incorrect information, but that the information is not edifying or satisfying. Because we’ve all just died through it – lost our jobs, our lives, our loved ones. As crazy as this sounds to say, watching a documentary … Read More

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THE MIDNIGHT SKY

Poffy The Cucumber

Tragedy Insufferably Painted as Redemption. THE MIDNIGHT SKY is indecisive on whether to be a human drama set in space, or a science fiction film loaded with human drama. It ends up sacrificing both genres to George Clooney’s beard. A worldwide catastrophe has made the Earth’s surface uninhabitable – something to do with republiKKKans blocking climate change legislation, I’m guessing … Read More

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DUMBO DONALD EXIT EXCORIATION | The Election of Joseph R. Biden, November 3, 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

851 Million Reasons why we should NEVER FORGET. he 45th american president – A Dumbo Donald Overview: kidnapping, treason, money-laundering, obstruction of justice, conspiracy to commit murder of Jamal Khashoggi, coverup of murder investigation, rape, sexual molestation, violation of Emoluments Clause, embezzler of charity funds, conspiracy to undermine American elections, quid pro quo with Ukraine for election tampering, blackmail, campaign … Read More

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THE SLEEPOVER 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

The Sleep Through It. THE SLEEPOVER is made from the scrapings at the bottom of the cliché dumpster, as two kids discover their boring suburban mum is an ex-super-thief blackmailed into one last job, and must use their plucky ingenuity to rescue her from her criminal organization. Because a teen girl and pre-teen boy totally have enough worldly knowledge AND … Read More

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THE OLD GUARD

Poffy The Cucumber

Immortals: can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em. No – literally. They’ve been on Earth for millennia, four unkillable, battle-hardened mercenaries, led by Charlize Theron, in jeans so tight I can see the outline of her cock. Theron is Andromache of Scythia (“Andy”), the oldest of the four warriors, her name of Greek goddess origin; there’s Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts), a … Read More

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PROJECT POWER 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

Survival of the Pillest. There’s a new black market pill on the streets of New Orleans. It’s called “power.” Gives you five minutes of a super power. But you don’t know what that power is until you take it. You might get super-strungth, become fast as a cheetah, or become invisible like a camouflaging chameleon. Or it might just blow … Read More

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ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS

Poffy The Cucumber

You Can’t Do Eet. For a guy whose catchphrase is “You can do it!” Rob Schneider has spent decades proving that he can’t. In ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS, Adam Sandler’s number one unfunny bottom bitch takes to the stage for his first ever Standup Special in Salt Lake City (just days before the Dumbo Donald Virus Shutdown in March 2020) … Read More

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QUEEN: THE SHOW MUST GO ON – THE QUEEN + ADAM LAMBERT STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Fairy Feller’s Master-Stroke. This article draws heavily from my ADAM LAMBERT Tribute. It is combined with that piece for the purpose of a video review for Dunmore’s Movie Mania. Just so you don’t freak out and wonder why I’m plagiarizing myself. THE SHOW MUST GO ON: THE QUEEN + ADAM LAMBERT STORY is a thinly-disguised short biography of the … Read More

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DAVE CHAPPELLE: 8:46

Poffy The Cucumber

The Number of the Beast. Dave Chappelle vents on the death of George Floyd and the re-fuel of a movement. June 6, 2020. An open-air venue, Wirrig Pavilion in Yellow Springs, Ohio. Can’t be more than a hundred people attending, temperature-checked as they enter, all masked; seating in twos on cheap wooden chairs, each pair isolated from the rest. Is … Read More

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UNCUT GEMS

Poffy The Cucumber

A raw gem. I’ve got PTSD from watching UNCUT GEMS. Adam Sandler [phew]… acting – there, I said it! SNATCH meets PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE, in a film that showcases what a spectacular “Ac-Tor” Sandler could be when working with the right fiery script, the right marauding directors, and putting more of himself into it than just his right nut. But why … Read More

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SPACE FORCE 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

If the comedy isn’t there – Force it. There was no show, there was no idea; it was really based on nothing, except a name that made everybody laugh. — Steve Carell. Who knew that a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic utterance by the 45th president of the United States could be turned into a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic Netflix show? … Read More

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THE WRONG MISSY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wrong Wishy. A movie filled with characters you want to kick in the head, THE WRONG MISSY is an Adam Sandler production that hits all the wishy-washy romcom clichés as it falls out of the douchebag tree. You can smell the high level of stink in Adam Sandler productions like these, because even Adam Sandler won’t star in them, … Read More

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EXTRACTION 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

Behold in breathless wonder… the film making! His name is Tyler Rake. Rake, not to be confused with hoe, which is his profession – mercenary, selling his services for cash. Chris Hemsworth is special ops action-merc Tyler, hired to rescue an Indian drug lord’s son from a rival drug lord in Dhaka, Bangladesh. EXTRACTION is a straightforward snatch-and-destroy, chase-and-defend, bullets-and-meatballs … Read More

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JERRY SEINFELD: 23 HOURS TO KILL

Poffy The Cucumber

A made-up, bogus, not-necessary special event. In an effort to sound less vanilla, Jerry Seinfeld tries to “Carlin up” his 2020 Standup Special – and winds up just another shade of vanilla. To comedy aficionados, the words Seinfeld and Carlin should not be uttered in the same breath (and I too am paying the penance for my utterance, by spending … Read More

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1917

Poffy The Cucumber

The one-take war. War! Huah! Good God y’all! What is it good for?! Absolutely Oscar! GALLIPOLI meets SAVING PRIVATE RYAN in the Newest Generation’s gritty war film, “1917.” (The year people started to realize Archduke Ferdinand probably wasn’t worth all this bone and blood sausage.) World War I (a rare topic, as most modern war movies cover WWII onwards). Two … Read More

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JOKER 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?… Joaquin Phoenix is unpredictable, funny, disturbing, and when you meet him, he might just kill you. In JOKER, he won the 2020 Oscar and Golden Globe for Best Actor… But was he really acting? JOKER, like STEPHEN KING’S IT, shows clowns for what they really are: insecure, unbalanced, traumatized sociopaths. Again, was Joaquin … Read More

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DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Black Wiseau. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME is a comeback film for Eddie Murphy? That’s a well-deserved question mark! As its filmmakers whine about being snubbed at the 2020 Oscars, they neglect to mention they’ve made a formulaic film about a conman with questionable product that deserves attention only as a novelty. As a historical figure, the flamboyant Rudy Ray Moore … Read More

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STAR WARS: EPISODE IX – THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Damage Control while Digging a Hole. The older we get, the farther away from STAR WARS we feel. Use the Force and go in young. And you’ll be fine. In the dark, a blue title card on black background: “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Then – fanfare! Stirring our deep innocence memory banks. That John … Read More

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IN THE TALL GRASS

Poffy The Cucumber

Mean Green. A couple hears a boy calling for help from a field of tall grass. They go in to help. And can’t come out. IN THE TALL GRASS is a throat-clutching, unrelenting thriller, based on a novella by Stephen King and his just-as-weird son, Joe Hill (whose name somehow sounds like a Stephen King pseudonym). Pregnant Becky (Laysla De … Read More

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AD ASTRA

Poffy The Cucumber

In AD ASTRA, Brad Pitt flexes all his other muscles. Brad Pitt saves the world (like WORLD WAR Z) while pondering the meaning of existence (like Tyler Durden), in transit from the Moon to Neptune (like we didn’t already know Brad Pitt was a heavenly body). AD ASTRA (“To The Stars”) turns an astronaut’s mission to save the Earth into … Read More

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