1917

Poffy The Cucumber

The one-take war. War! Huah! Good God y’all! What is it good for?! Absolutely Oscar! GALLIPOLI meets SAVING PRIVATE RYAN in the Newest Generation’s gritty war film, “1917.” (The year people started to realize Archduke Ferdinand probably wasn’t worth all this bone and blood sausage.) World War I (a rare topic, as most modern war movies cover WWII onwards). Two … Read More

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JOKER 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?… Joaquin Phoenix is unpredictable, funny, disturbing, and when you meet him, he might just kill you. In JOKER, he won the 2020 Oscar and Golden Globe for Best Actor… But was he really acting? JOKER, like STEPHEN KING’S IT, shows clowns for what they really are: insecure, unbalanced, traumatized sociopaths. Again, was Joaquin … Read More

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DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Black Wiseau. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME is a comeback film for Eddie Murphy? That’s a well-deserved question mark! As its filmmakers whine about being snubbed at the 2020 Oscars, they neglect to mention they’ve made a formulaic film about a conman with questionable product that deserves attention only as a novelty. As a historical figure, the flamboyant Rudy Ray Moore … Read More

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STAR WARS: EPISODE IX – THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Damage Control while Digging a Hole. The older we get, the farther away from STAR WARS we feel. Use the Force and go in young. And you’ll be fine. In the dark, a blue title card on black background: “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Then – fanfare! Stirring our deep innocence memory banks. That John … Read More

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AD ASTRA

Poffy The Cucumber

In AD ASTRA, Brad Pitt flexes all his other muscles. Brad Pitt saves the world (like WORLD WAR Z) while pondering the meaning of existence (like Tyler Durden), in transit from the Moon to Neptune (like we didn’t already know Brad Pitt was a heavenly body). AD ASTRA (“To The Stars”) turns an astronaut’s mission to save the Earth into … Read More

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THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More

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I AM MOTHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Brother Mother. A young girl is raised by a robot in a biosphere, to believe that the outside world is annihilated, and all that’s left of humans are embryos in this facility. And that robots are her friend. Until a human outsider appears and tells her exactly the opposite. I AM MOTHER is a well-written science fiction thriller that … Read More

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THE SILENCE 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Evolution Convolution. You speak. You die. A deaf girl and her family must survive a holocaust brought on by blind monsters that track their prey using sound alone. Didn’t they just make this movie and call it A QUIET PLACE? When TOMBSTONE (Dec 1993) is followed by WYATT EARP (Jun 1994), when DANTE’S PEAK (Feb 1997) is followed by VOLCANO … Read More

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SOUL TO KEEP

Poffy The Cucumber

Possessed by Mediocrity. After inheriting a rambling old country house from their grandpa, Josh (Tony Spitz) and sister Erin (Aurora Heimbach) invite a gaggle of their Millennial friends over for a par-tayyy. Grandpa “died in the lake; his body was never found…” And if you think that will yield further plot, you haven’t seen one of these barely-written modern kid-possession … Read More

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RAMBO: LAST BLOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Going out with a hammer, not a whimper… Mexican pimps. Rambo kill. The End. When distilled down to its essence, RAMBO: LAST BLOOD is a revenge movie, with creative kills bordering on gore-porn and Sylvester Stallone in the titular role bordering on Rambostein’s Monster. I guess we can’t fault a Rambo movie for being a quintessential Rambo movie. If we’re … Read More

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ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that takes us somewhere, yet goes nowhere. Quentin Tarantino once again brazenly rewrites history in his scintillating homage to La La Land of the 1960s, ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD. Hollywood 1969. Two tales intertwine – one, a tale of an actor and his stuntman, hustling for work in a business that has moved past their cowboy … Read More

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THE PERFECTION

Poffy The Cucumber

Classical music is torture. Lust, jealousy, lesbianism, diarrhea, rape, dismemberment, torture, body horror and classical cello. No wonder this movie is called THE PERFECTION. Perfection – it’s what young cellist Lizzie now has, under the tutelage of mentor Anton, from the prestigious Bachoff Institute. It’s what Charlotte once had, under the same tutor whom she left a decade ago, to … Read More

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ALWAYS BE MY MAYBE

Poffy The Cucumber

Crazy rich and poor Asians. Alright, Hollywood, we get it: POVERTY IS NOBLE! How many times must you beat us across the ‘nads with this demonstrably fallacious message? ALWAYS BE MY MAYBE follows a young girl and guy couple from their middle-class friendship in grade school to their adult lives in two very different social classes, constantly pounding pounding POUNDING … Read More

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US 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Comes at us with wild rabbit teeth. Therefore thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will bring evil upon them, which they shall not be able to escape; and though they shall cry unto me, I will not hearken unto them. — Jeremiah 11:11, King James Version A vacationing family find themselves terrorized by another family, whom they discover – is … Read More

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GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

A retconned Godzilla for a short attention span fandom. A Scientist is reanimating monsters (nay, “titans”) from subterranean hibernation around the globe, to bring balance to Earth’s environment through their radioactivity. (Get it? They’re being “woke” in more ways than one.) A titan named Ghidorah makes all the others do his bidding, causing them to destroy rather than renew. Too … Read More

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CONVERSATIONS WITH A KILLER: THE TED BUNDY TAPES

Poffy The Cucumber

Extremely Wickedly Good. CONVERSATIONS WITH A KILLER: THE TED BUNDY TAPES is a well-produced documentary about the serial killer who was as pretty as the asses of the 20-year-old girls he sunk his teeth into. Too soon?… BUNDY TAPES wins on every level, because it is just that! Ted Bundy – the psychopath himself – speaking on cassette recordings made … Read More

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EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE

Poffy The Cucumber

Extremely Ripped, Shockingly Misguided and Pointless. EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE follows a short period in serial murderer Ted Bundy’s life, as told exclusively from his naïve girlfriend’s point of view. Meaning it tells us nothing. And the movie follows that old gambit of casting a lovable star in the role of a heinous human being (a la Brolin … Read More

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SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE

Poffy The Cucumber

A kinetic new vision for the next generation of man-spider fans. Much like THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE, SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE is simultaneously ensconced in, and standing apart from, the Cinematic Universe its titular character inhabits, roaming freely in any entertaining direction it fancies, combining, referencing and cross-pollinating canon from its 56-year spectrum of spider-comics and spider-movie lore. As if … Read More

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THE DIRT 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

THE DIRT – is a load of CRAP! Maybe a quarter of it happened, and not like this… — Logan, LOGAN. THE DIRT opens with a title card: “This story is true.” Fuck off. In this paean to rock band Mötley Crüe (remember when umlauts made everything evil?), every detail, every anecdote, every song and character and drug-fueled escapade is … Read More

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BIRD BOX

Poffy The Cucumber

What You Don’t See… sure can bird you. BIRD BOX is the movie M. Night Shyamalan tried to make with THE HAPPENING. When an unseen entity causes people to kill themselves, a lone woman and two kids brave the rapids to a refugee destination. Blindfolded. The hook in this compelling thriller is so audacious it works: “something” that can’t be … Read More

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