THE DIRT 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

THE DIRT – is a load of CRAP! Maybe a quarter of it happened, and not like this… — Logan, LOGAN. THE DIRT opens with a title card: “This story is true.” Fuck off. In this paean to rock band Mötley Crüe (remember when umlauts made everything evil?), every detail, every anecdote, every song and character and drug-fueled escapade is … Read More

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BIRD BOX

Poffy The Cucumber

What You Don’t See… sure can bird you. BIRD BOX is the movie M. Night Shyamalan tried to make with THE HAPPENING. When an unseen entity causes people to kill themselves, a lone woman and two kids brave the rapids to a refugee destination. Blindfolded. The hook in this compelling thriller is so audacious it works: “something” that can’t be … Read More

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AQUAMAN 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Will make you wet. AQUAMAN graduates to jewel of the DC Comics universe, as it finds a perfect mix of action, humor, sex and surf. An American screenwriter’s dream come true, for its fishy foreshadowing and porpoiseful payoffs (couldn’t resist!); an origin story and a high sea adventure, an undersea war and a touching family redemption. It’s got everything, from … Read More

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ROMA

Poffy The Cucumber

Interesting Boredom. ROMA will bore you to death. Unless you pretend to like it because film critics say you should. ROMA is excellent filmmaking, controlled and economical, with creative direction, powerful performances and a tragic story. And it won the 2019 Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film. Yet it’s like watching Mexican paint dry. The story is quite simple: In … Read More

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ADAM SANDLER: 100% FRESH

Poffy The Cucumber

Fresh – if you’re 12. Adam Sandler used to be a funny standup comedian. I used to love that unsure persona, and the sudden left turns in his gags. This was way back before most of you Adam Sandler fans were Adam Sandler fans (circa 1990). Then came SNL (1990-1995), and numerous movies, some good, most bad; a handful of … Read More

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VICE 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

The Fat Face of Evil.  Thank you to Satan for giving me inspiration on how to play this role. — Christian Bale, on winning Best Actor Golden Globes, for the role of Dick Cheney. VICE is the story of Dick Cheney, following his rise from hell into the White House as George W. Bush’s vice president. Christian Bale is Cheney, … Read More

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THE MULE 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Riches and Redemption on the Cocaine Superhighway. Family’s the most important thing. Don’t do what I did. I put work in front of family. I thought it was more important to be somebody out there, than the failure I was in my own home. I was a terrible father, a terrible husband. I blew my chance. I didn’t deserve forgiveness. … Read More

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A STAR IS BORN 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

It’s all about Who You Nose. We may not be known as The Greatest Generation, but this fourth filmic iteration of A STAR IS BORN, for our generation, is surely the greatest. 42 years after the 1976 version, Bradley Cooper co-writes the movie, directs, stars, plays guitar, plays piano, sings, co-writes the songs, and co-produces… A STAR IS BORN all … Read More

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EXTINCTION 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

When A-Actors B-Film. A working class family man is plagued by dreams of alien invasion. One day, his dreams come true. And the question becomes: Can he access those prescient dreams to navigate his family to safety? Then we find out his question was answered – in his past! Movie Maniacs say Wha–? Set in the near future, EXTINCTION is … Read More

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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT

Poffy The Cucumber

People Shooting Other People from Offscreen. (ALTERNATE TITLE: Adventures Of The World’s Most Expensive Stuntman.) Tom Cruise skydives. Tom Cruise fights in a toilet. Tom Cruise rides a motorbike through Paris. Tom Cruise jumps across rooftops. Tom Cruise climbs a rope to a flying helicopter. Tom Cruise flies a helicopter while fighting. Tom Cruise dangles from a cliff… Y’know, I … Read More

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BRAIN ON FIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Mind Over Mind. BRAIN ON FIRE recounts a true tale of terror – journalist Susannah Cahalan’s battle against Anti-NMDA-Receptor AutoImmune Encephalitis; when your body’s immune system attacks your brain. What a thing! One might be inclined to say, That’s insane! Doesn’t your brain control your immune system? An attack on the citadel by its own populace! It’s unfortunate that such … Read More

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THE WEEK OF

Poffy The Cucumber

Everything happening with Nothing going on. In the contrived farce THE WEEK OF, Adam Sandler is Kenny Lustig, a middle class father struggling to cope with the details and cost of hosting his daughter’s wedding, and Chris Rock is Dr. Kirby Cordice, the rich father of the groom, whose help Kenny declines. Longtime collaborators Sandler and director Robert Smigel seem … Read More

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THOR: RAGNAROK

Poffy The Cucumber

Comedy of Errors. THOR: RAGNAROK finds almighty Asgard, the Realm of the Gods, annihilated, as foretold by prophecy older than time. Oh, and Thor becomes a standup comedian. Bathos, noun: an abrupt and often ludicrous transition from the elevated to the ordinary; the sudden appearance of the commonplace in otherwise elevated matter or style. — Google dictionary. In the most … Read More

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STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT: AN EVENING YOU WILL FORGET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

Poffy The Cucumber

Old Hands at Comedy, or just Old Comedy? The aptly-named STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT: AN EVENING YOU WILL FORGET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE is a cavalcade of roasting comedy, political puppetry, jazz anecdotes and bluegrass banjo that you truly will not remember. Comedy legend Steve Martin and comedy somewhat-well-known Martin Short team up for a two-man show, … Read More

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KEVIN JAMES: NEVER DON’T GIVE UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Never Don’t Just Watch. Let’s see: if a comedian still hasn’t said anything remotely funny or intriguing or insightful 32 minutes into their set, you can pretty much guarantee the rest of their 1 hour set is going to be just as shallow, unfunny and lame, right? Such is the case with the simpleton humor in KEVIN JAMES: NEVER DON’T … Read More

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BLACK PANTHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Black EmPantherment. “Millions of years ago,” Movie narrates to us, “a special effects meteorite made of vibranium – the strongest substance in the universe – struck the special effects continent of Africa. Five special effects arms rise from the soil to represent the Five Tribes that would form the special effects country of Wakanda. A special effects panther god named … Read More

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DARKEST HOUR

Poffy The Cucumber

Fight For Your Right – to Dunkirk! He mobilized the English language, and sent it into battle. — Edward R. Murrow. (Accredited to Lord Halifax in DARKEST HOUR.) Oldman does Churchill! The greatest actor of our generation plays the greatest orator of the greatest generation. DARKEST HOUR follows newly-elected British Prime Minister Winston Churchill (Gary Oldman) through Britain’s darkest hour … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Handsome, Pretty Handsome. One of the formative TV shows of our youth, LOST IN SPACE, is rebooted as an enjoyable Netflix series, capturing all the dynamics of the original show, and leaving out the camp and the bubble-headed booby. In the year 2046, the space-faring Family Robinson leaves a dying Earth, onboard a mothership of colonists, headed for the star … Read More

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HILARITY FOR CHARITY 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Mediocrity For Charity. A charity for Alzheimer’s Disease, organized and hosted by Seth Rogen, HILARITY FOR CHARITY is about as funny as Alzheimer’s Disease. Filmed onstage before a live audience at the Hollywood Palladium on March 24, 2018, hosted by Seth Rogen sporting a Noah-beard, HILARITY is an annual cavalcade of standups, pre-taped skits and various eclectic bits, the general … Read More

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THE SHAPE OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires. Like the aqua spawn of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and Abe Sapien from HELLBOY, our collective consciousness accepts the “Gill Man” as a species; a familiar alien entity in our science fiction. Yet in Guillermo del Toro’s unique THE SHAPE OF WATER, the Gill Man has transcended the species demarcation and … Read More

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