SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS

Poffy The Cucumber

‘Tard-nado. When Gary Busey is the smartest person in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Busey is scientist Dr. Loosedentures in SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS, the fourth film in a franchise which should be expunged from filmic archives with extreme prejudice for systematically dismantling the intelligence of an American population that is already teetering on the edge of … Read More

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SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!

Poffy The Cucumber

Trumpeting Incompetence. When David Hasselhoff is the best actor in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Clearly preempting a suitable title for any review, SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! takes all that is good about movie-making and science and acting, and shit-squirts it up against the wall like dysentery. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin got … Read More

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CHRIS ROCK: BRING THE PAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Shotgun Monologues. Chris Rock taught me what “tossing the salad” meant. Admit it: you too. During his HBO comedy standup special BRING THE PAIN, Rock recounts a prisoner’s graphic advice on what you need to do to get along in jail. And a superstar is born… By 1996, Chris Rock had grown into a formidable comedian in the United … Read More

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CARRIE 2002

Poffy The Cucumber

Snoozefest in Red. CARRIE (2002) is the TV movie remake of the 1976 Brian De Palma feature film, from the Stephen King novel of the same name. And it shows. Director David Carson (STAR TREK GENERATIONS) seems so acutely aware of his film’s low production values, he thinks he can make up for them by adopting the method of MTV … Read More

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HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical. There are three words to describe the songs in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2: Un. Bear. Able. And the word “musical” is in the actual title. False advertising. Did someone consult Satan on which tonal modes would cause mortals to retch like chemotherapy victims? Director Kenny Ortega and writer Peter Barsocchini did indeed. Upon researching the precursor … Read More

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HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Poffy The Cucumber

High School Douche-ical. Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. It is not such a surprise to those of us who know Disney regularly consorts with the Prince of Feces, but even so, this unholy flatulence was far beyond Satan’s usual anal excretions of Disney … Read More

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STEVE JOBS: ONE LAST THING

Poffy The Cucumber

One Lasting Thing. The title taken from his infamous stage patter when he would reveal yet another innovation in a device we thought was already tapped out with cool, STEVE JOBS: ONE LAST THING documents the incredible life of innovator, entrepreneur and Apple founder Steven Paul Jobs (1955-2011), showing the good, the bad and the techno. Mainly from other people’s … Read More

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THE RUTLES

Poffy The Cucumber

The Ballad of Eric and Innes. Better than wishing for the Beatles to reform, better than any Beatles tribute band, and definitely better than Jesus, Eric Idle‘s THE RUTLES is a brilliant, hilarious, underappreciated pastiche of the rise and fall of The Beatles. Written and co-directed by Idle (of Monty Python) and starring Idle as a roving reporter and as … Read More

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SNL 40

Poffy The Cucumber

Celebrating 40 Years of Stunning Mediocrity. The American comedy institution SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE continues its tradition of not being funny, by throwing a 40th Anniversary Special and not being funny. SNL 40 is not only Not Funny, it’s embarrassing, pathetic and painful. Why do these people put themselves through this? Why do they put US through this? Why do audiences … Read More

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MONTY PYTHON: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING RATHER SIMILAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Monty Python – The Autumn Years. Their legs are grey, their ears are nulled, their eyes are old and bent. IT’S. Monty Python’s Flying Circus 2014. Oh, and one of them’s been dead for over 25 years like a very naughty boy. MONTY PYTHON: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING RATHER SIMILAR is a documentary by IMAGINE, a BBC TV series (Season … Read More

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BREAKING BAD SEASON ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Another Fine Meth You’ve Gotten Us Into, Yo! BREAKING BAD is about a man who finds his balls. Walter White (Bryan Cranston) is a middle class suburban chemistry teacher with a wife and crippled son, who discovers he has cancer, and stumbles into a situation that allows him to create inordinate wealth to provide for his family before he dies … Read More

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TIN MAN 2007

Poffy The Cucumber

Choking on the Yellow Thick Chode. Honestly, I don’t know how Zooey Deschanel continues to get work. In TIN MAN, a re-visioning of L. Frank Baum’s THE WIZARD OF OZ, Zooey is ersatz Dorothy, named DG (oh, that’s soo street-cred!), lost in the magical world of O.Z. (the Outer Zone – oooh! That’s even more street!), and aided by three … Read More

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ARROW

Poffy The Cucumber

Through an Arrow Greenly. He’s green. He shoots arrows. He’s – The Hood. Uh, I mean, he’s Green Arrow, um, at least, that’s who he’s meant to be – but no one ever calls him that in ARROW… the CW TV series that is too-kewl-fer-skool or sumpin. (What is it with these “grounded” superhero tales? So it’s not legit to … Read More

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THE FLASH 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wimping Of A Superhero. It’s turning into Superhero TV Funhouse over here…There’s ARROW (Green Arrow) and GOTHAM (young Batman), there’s AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D, and various shows where people are endowed with “super” powers; now CW brings us THE FLASH in scintillating crimson backwash. Slogan: “The Making of a Superhero.” But the story itself wimps out the Fastest Man Alive … Read More

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GOTHAM

Poffy The Cucumber

The Batmanless Years. GOTHAM: It’s the city of the Batman. Before the Batman. And that’s the Damoclean ambiguity hanging over the bat-eared head of this television series. We all “know” this city of sin; we all “know” who turns up to clean everyone’s clock; we all “know” this spunk-filled ‘burg is holding its breath for a dark savior – but … Read More

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HOUDINI 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

The trick is not to fall asleep… Uh-oh, narration. Uh-oh, magic. Uh-oh…. HOUDINI. Adrien Brody stars (narrating interminably) as Harry Houdini, the greatest magician in history. But from this biopic, you’d never guess it. Upfront, Houdini is a god among men; an icon, innovator, pioneer, legend. And Adrien Brody, a fine actor, does his best with what he’s given to … Read More

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SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Just when you thought it was safe to get blown… Yeah, it sucks – but it was meant to suck. — Jon Stewart, THE DAILY SHOW. SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE is one of the stupidest movies you will ever see. Yet from a moviemaking, storytelling point of view, it is actually better than its original. My God! Does this … Read More

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4TH AND LOUD

Poffy The Cucumber

Football by old Ballers. Love KISS. Could care less about foopball. Hate reality TV. 4TH AND LOUD is a quirky combination of all three. If you like even two out of three, you’re in for a treat with this rollicking, bollicking reality series from AMC, that follows KISS founders Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley as they put together the first … Read More

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CHARIOTS OF THE GODS

Poffy The Cucumber

Of The Clods… Long before Giorgio’s ANCIENT ALIENS, just before Leonard Nimoy’s IN SEARCH OF…, there was Erich von Daniken’s jam-packed movie from the compelling 1968 book of the same name, CHARIOTS OF THE GODS. The book Chariots of the Gods? makes the compelling argument that ancient cultures in Earth’s past were visited by astronauts, who were mistaken as gods … Read More

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DEEP PURPLE: CALIFORNIA JAM

Poffy The Cucumber

Slammin’ Jammin’. Immortal! They just don’t play ’em like this anymore. As the sun set over the Californian suburbs of Pomona, Chino and Rancho Cucamonga on April 6th, 1974, after an hour’s delay, the loudest band in the world, Deep Purple, would take the stage at Ontario Speedway for the California Jam Festival. DEEP PURPLE: CALIFORNIA JAM is a vintage … Read More

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