COSMOS

Poffy The Cucumber

The real Encyclopaedia Galactica. KNOWLEDGE! Not just physics, not just astronomy, not just biology, or philosophy or mathematics; knowledge from every strand of human endeavor. Astronomer Carl Sagan ties it all together in an immense library of congress called COSMOS. First broadcast on Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) in 1980, to date COSMOS is still the most widely watched PBS television … Read More

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TOSH.0

Poffy The Cucumber

Darwin Awards Redux. It’s nothing you can’t find on any jackass idiot moron website that collects videos of people doing jackass idiot moron things (like NothingToxic.com) – but like a more biting version of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, like a retarded version of CANDID CAMERA, like a more intelligent version of comments posted under YouTube videos, television’s TOSH.0 is a … Read More

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ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON TWO

Poffy The Cucumber

Under The Gods. Under the god Under the god Ten steps into the crazy crazy… –Tin Machine, “Under The God.” Giorgio A. Tsoukalos is at it again! Still consulting producer on ANCIENT ALIENS; still talking about jaguar priests, messenger angels and ancient astronauts as if they really existed; still scaring us with his ineluctable knowledge, his detailed research and his … Read More

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THE SANTA SUIT

Poffy The Cucumber

Cognitive dissonance retained for one more year… Kevin Sorbo (HERCULES) dons another mystical suit and battles evil (corporate America). In this cheap, cloying syrup-fest, Kevin stuffs his man-frame into THE SANTA SUIT, another tired exercise in demeaning profit as evil and elevating poverty-stricken people as unequivocally pure. Sigh, let’s get this over and done with… Sorbo is CEO of a … Read More

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KEVORKIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

No pain. No gain. The most unpleasant truth he taught us is that we are a whole country in denial about death. –from KEVORKIAN. We can’t put it off any longer. None of us is getting any younger. You’re going to have to talk about it sometime. And you’re not going to like it. As inevitable as gravity, one day … Read More

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YOU DON’T KNOW JACK

Poffy The Cucumber

Terminator Salvation. Today is a good day to die. — attributed to Crazy Horse at the Battle of Little Bighorn Every day above ground is just another day above ground. — Poffy The Cucumber Idiot Sarah Palin might be inclined to call him a “Death Panel.” Doctor Jack Kevorkian. If you know the name, you know the game: euthanasia, assisted suicide, … Read More

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ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Proving you don’t have to be abducted to be anal probed. Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense. — Carl Sagan. ANCIENT ALIENS is the latest deformed baby spawned from the boomers who broke their brains on Erich von Däniken’s Chariots of the Gods? book series (first … Read More

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RIVERWORLD 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Cry me a river… Poor Philip José Farmer. Look what they did to his Hugo Award-winning story. To Your Scattered Bodies Go is the first of the Riverworld series of novels and winner of the award, which obviously meant nothing to the morons who crushed Farmer’s ideas under flatfooted filmic heel in RIVERWORLD. Stuart Gillard has the audacity to call … Read More

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SOMETHING THE LORD MADE

Poffy The Cucumber

I Heart Heart Surgery. Apparently Mos Def is a rapper. But alongside veteran actor Alan Rickman, we’d be hard-pressed not to regard him as Rickman’s thesp equal. A True Story worthy of movie status. Not another Viet Nam bore-fest or boxer’s tragic rhapsody or musician’s clichéd biopic, SOMETHING THE LORD MADE addresses an aspect so embedded in our modern culture … Read More

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COME ON GET HAPPY: THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Trials of Talent, The Farce of Fame (oh, spare me!). When David Cassidy complained about being exploited in the Partridge Family, just who did he think was playing the instruments and writing the songs he mimed to? Narrated by the real Danny Bonaduce (in between jail time and radio airtime, we presume), COME ON, GET HAPPY: THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY … Read More

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BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE

Poffy The Cucumber

Bury the Truth of Wounded Knee. I shall not be there. I shall rise and pass. Bury my heart at Wounded Knee. — Stephen Vincent Benét, “American Names.” The Wounded Knee Massacre (aka The Battle at Wounded Knee Creek) was the last major armed conflict of what americans term the “Indian Wars” of the late nineteenth century. BURY MY HEART … Read More

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FLIGHT 93

Poffy The Cucumber

Flight of Fancy. Note to director Peter Markle: if you’re going to create a tribute to nobodies who become somebodies due to an airline tragedy, if you’re going to grease the wheels of racism and jingoism with agitprop, if you’re hoping to effectively manipulate and exploit the charged emotions of a nation’s populace – don’t use a toy plane for … Read More

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THE SOPRANOS – SEASON 3-38: AMOUR FOU

Poffy The Cucumber

Women Be Crazy. O god, why hast thou made this gleaming snare Woman, to dog us on the happy earth? — Euripides, Hippolytus 428 BC. Amour Fou – love so intense it drives one to madness. Mad love. Gloria Trillo (Annabella Sciorra, filling the TV screen more than lusciously), the latest in a long line of Tony’s mistresses, who would … Read More

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THE SOPRANOS – SEASON 3-32: UNIVERSITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Bringing True Violence to the Simulated Screen. Once again, THE SOPRANOS explores the nature of True Violence, impacting our atrophied sensibilities with its directness. But how is the beating to death of a stripper so disturbing to our supposedly hardened psyches? Surely what we have seen over the years on our cathode-ray tubes and in darkened theaters has prepared us … Read More

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EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT

Poffy The Cucumber

Why? Driving around Los Angeles in late 2005, I was as victimized as the next motorist in seeing the rash of billboards advertising the ABC sitcom EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT. Though I waited passively to catch an accidental glimpse of this pap-outa-the-gate commercial malformity whilst channel-surfing (in order to warn viewers off it, as I knew would be my duty), … Read More

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THE SOPRANOS – SEASON 3-30: EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Antisocial Truth behind the Socially-Acceptable Fiction. THE SOPRANOS leans heavily on Freud. And I’m a Freud kinda guy (over a Jung kinda guy – as I am a Nietzsche Kinda Guy over a Kant Kinda Guy – and no, I did not appreciate the shot at Nietzsche in Episode 20 (“D-Girl”), “Nietzsche wound up talkin’ to his horse”). Freud … Read More

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JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Anytime one of us old codgers over 35 is exposed to a re-working of what we consider a “classic,” we approach it with trepidation, fearful our fond memories will be sullied by some upstart’s new vision. And yet…knowing that curiosity never really killed anything, we unbutton our leisure suits and expose ourselves nonetheless… On this night I … Read More

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THE STAND

Poffy The Cucumber

My Favorite Martian versus Garth Brooks. This story should have stayed in our heads. Reading Stephen King‘s daunting 1000+ page The Stand (restored version, of course), nothing “visual” could intercept our imagination driving onto the wastelands of a dead earth, seeing an unseeable being (Flagg) in our mind’s eye, envisioning the disturbing horrors of the Lincoln Tunnel gridlock, the appendix operation, … Read More

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ENTERPRISE

Poffy The Cucumber

First Ship, First Captain, First Mistake. Merchandising: the final frontier. With a title theme song that sounds like Trey Parker ululating a poignant 80’s hair-band power-ballad, ENTERPRISE launches Blacula and his vampire cohorts onto the lids of lunchboxes and into comic book and action figure mayhem across the known geek universe. Their mission: To boldly go where no B-actors have … Read More

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