THE POWER OF THE DOG

Poffy The Cucumber

Dog of a film. A meandering story with no throughlines, no payoffs and no plot, that everyone says we have to love, because it’s gay. And that’s totally gay. THE POWER OF THE DOG is simply boring, pretentious, attempted art-cinema, for faux-sophisticates and LGBTQ to fawn over and tease out psychodrama and social messages. About a ranch-hand in 1925 Montana, … Read More

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THE ADAM PROJECT

Poffy The Cucumber

For the Love of Adam. Never have I cried so much at a time travel film, especially one loaded with this many Hollywood tropes. THE ADAM PROJECT is pretty straightforward in its first two acts, about a pilot from the future who lands in 2022 and enlists the aid of his 12-year-old self to time-travel further back in time to … Read More

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PALADIN OF THE LOST HOUR | TWILIGHT ZONE | S1E7

Poffy The Cucumber

Finding time to be greater than itself. A young man rescues a “very old man” from muggers in a cemetery, and is befriended by the old man, whom he discovers is a paladin, a guardian of a timepiece that has stopped ticking, holding in limbo the last hour of the universe. Written by the great Harlan Ellison, and screenplayed by … Read More

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THE ALFRED HITCHCOCK HOUR | MEMO FROM PURGATORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Insipid take on an Ellison classic. MEMO FROM PURGATORY is a slice-of-life tale (from the 1961 Harlan Ellison novel Memos From Purgatory) about running with a savage Brooklyn street gang. Memos was written after Ellison actually infiltrated a gang called The Barons when he was 19 – for the research! – adopting the alias Phil Beldone, surviving their initiation, taking … Read More

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THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK

Poffy The Cucumber

Tainted Saints and Sainted Taints. I really wanted to like THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK. Hey, it’s a prequel to THE SOPRANOS, the best television show in the history of television. But it’s not quite a prequel and not quite THE SOPRANOS… … Not quite a prequel because the character that was the blood and bone of THE SOPRANOS – … Read More

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COBRA KAI SEASON FOUR

Poffy The Cucumber

The UnMotivation of Terry Silver. Well, we got the exceptional Season One (The Rebirth of Johnny Lawrence,) the very good Season Two (The Re-emergence of John Kreese), the fan-service Season Three (the Reboot of Kumiko and Chozen and Ali with an I) and now COBRA KAI SEASON FOUR, that re-tools the psychopathic tool from KARATE KID 3. Yes, it’s Terry … Read More

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REPLICAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Movie clone of a clone movie. So it’s not cool enough to call them “clones” anymore? Now we call them REPLICAS. Keanu Reeves fulfils the role of mad scientist in this modern FRANKENSTEIN meets PET SEMATARY tale, where he tragically reconstructs his dead family after a fatal accident. We meet bio-engineer William Foster (Reeves), as he and his team try … Read More

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THE SUICIDE SQUAD 2021

Poffy The Cucumber

When Wrongs Make Right. What makes DC’s THE SUICIDE SQUAD of 2021, different from their 2016 movie of the almost same name, SUICIDE SQUAD? Well, many more things than just THE – R-rated, deeper characterization, rapscallion director, premium swearing, delicious gore, and moral ambiguity right up the chocolate starfish. Written and directed by James Gunn, it’s better in many ways … Read More

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CASINO ROYALE 1954

Poffy The Cucumber

Baby Bond. When James Bond was American. When the most outlandish gadget was a walking-cane with a gun in it. But when the villains still talked instead of shooting. It’s the first ever James Bond adapted to film from Ian Fleming’s 1953 book, Casino Royale; a black and white TV presentation from CBS, under a series called CLIMAX! Aired in … Read More

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ZACK SNYDER’S JUSTICE LEAGUE

Poffy The Cucumber

Justice for the Justice League. A harrowing journey from Zack Snyder’s brain to our eyes, but at long last the true vision of JUSTICE LEAGUE has been realized. And it is everything a superhero movie should be: gods and devils, bombast and quietude, punching and mind-games, good and evil, sacrifice and hope, with the fate of the Earth hanging… on … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. KONG

Poffy The Cucumber

Spectacular Effects vs. Brainless Script. If you came for the monster fights, you died and went to daikaiju heaven; but if you came for anything else – characterization, story, dramatic arcs – and you left disappointed, well I know how old you are – over 12. Sometimes I WISH I could disconnect my brain and enjoy polished turds like GODZILLA … Read More

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BORAT SUBSEQUENT MOVIEFILM: DELIVERY OF PRODIGIOUS BRIBE TO AMERICAN REGIME FOR MAKE BENEFIT ONCE GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN

Poffy The Cucumber

For Make Benefit of US&A. I was terrified that if Trump got in again, that America would be a democracy in name only… I felt very clearly from the start of the last administration that we were heading towards authoritarianism. And so I felt I had to do something. — Sacha Baron Cohen The moral of this story: You fuck … Read More

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KISS 2020 GOODBYE

Poffy The Cucumber

KISS vs. Muhammed in a Battle to the Bitch. Even though KISS 2020 GOODBYE is one of the biggest single rock shows on planet Earth, there’s something much bigger at stake here: the future of live music. Overcoming the diabolical logistics of the covid pandemic to put on this mastodon show didn’t just prove how meticulous KISS and their crew … Read More

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COBRA KAI SEASON ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Beating us Beautifully with Moral Ambiguity. Well, what a surprise COBRA KAI is! One of the best series reboots of a campy 80s movie franchise, proving old rivalries never die, they just get and sexier and dorkier. The original 1984 KARATE KID was just ROCKY with an Italian Ferret (both movies directed by John G. Avildsen). In that movie, Daniel … Read More

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DEATH TO 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

Like telling 9-11 jokes on 9-12. DEATH TO 2020 – an uncomfortable mix of bad history and worse comedy. “Bad” not meaning it’s incorrect information, but that the information is not edifying or satisfying. Because we’ve all just died through it – lost our jobs, our lives, our loved ones. As crazy as this sounds to say, watching a documentary … Read More

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THE MIDNIGHT SKY

Poffy The Cucumber

Tragedy Insufferably Painted as Redemption. THE MIDNIGHT SKY is indecisive on whether to be a human drama set in space, or a science fiction film loaded with human drama. It ends up sacrificing both genres to George Clooney’s beard. A worldwide catastrophe has made the Earth’s surface uninhabitable – something to do with republiKKKans blocking climate change legislation, I’m guessing … Read More

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13 SINS

Poffy The Cucumber

Sinful Crim-ful. Thirteen challenges. That will either get you killed, jailed, or set for life with a fortune. 13 SINS is, like all movies of its ilk, not about what the man onscreen would do to acquire the Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of riches, but what YOU would do. In this American thriller/black comedy that exudes a British feel, Elliott … Read More

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6 UNDERGROUND

Poffy The Cucumber

Deadpool Times Six. Ryan Reynolds leads six black-ops vigilantes in removing a dictator and installing his democratic brother in the fictional country of Turgistan (resembling Armenia or Persia, one of those places where the food is great but the religion sucks balls). Not exactly a democratic process though, is it? Oh, that’s right – it’s American democracy. He’s not empowered … Read More

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THE SLEEPOVER 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

The Sleep Through It. THE SLEEPOVER is made from the scrapings at the bottom of the cliché dumpster, as two kids discover their boring suburban mum is an ex-super-thief blackmailed into one last job, and must use their plucky ingenuity to rescue her from her criminal organization. Because a teen girl and pre-teen boy totally have enough worldly knowledge AND … Read More

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THE OLD GUARD

Poffy The Cucumber

Immortals: can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em. No – literally. They’ve been on Earth for millennia, four unkillable, battle-hardened mercenaries, led by Charlize Theron, in jeans so tight I can see the outline of her cock. Theron is Andromache of Scythia (“Andy”), the oldest of the four warriors, her name of Greek goddess origin; there’s Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts), a … Read More

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