UNCUT GEMS

Poffy The Cucumber

A raw gem. I’ve got PTSD from watching UNCUT GEMS. Adam Sandler [phew]… acting – there, I said it! SNATCH meets PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE, in a film that showcases what a spectacular “Ac-Tor” Sandler could be when working with the right fiery script, the right marauding directors, and putting more of himself into it than just his right nut. But why … Read More

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FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that goes Greek on us… James Bond 007 retrieves a missile controller from a sunken British warship, and helps a Greek woman avenge her parents’ murder while trying to go Greek on her. In the cold open, we meet Bond (Roger Moore, 5th time) laying flowers on the grave of Teresa Bond, “Beloved Wife of James Bond. We … Read More

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THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Poffy The Cucumber

Spy Sandwich. James Bond 007 joins forces with his Russian counterpart Agent XXX to stop a megalomaniac sinking civilization beneath the sea. THE SPY WHO LOVED ME is Roger Moore’s 3rd Bond movie (from Ian Fleming’s 10th Bond novel, publ. 1962), and we can see how Moore’s fans might have come to regard him as “better than Connery” with this … Read More

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SPACE FORCE 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

If the comedy isn’t there – Force it. There was no show, there was no idea; it was really based on nothing, except a name that made everybody laugh. — Steve Carell. Who knew that a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic utterance by the 45th president of the United States could be turned into a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic Netflix show? … Read More

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GODZILLA: TOKYO S.O.S.

Poffy The Cucumber

Sacrifice Our Rubber Souls. I cried for the moth. Then I cried for the human. Then I cried for the ROBOT! GODZILLA: TOKYO SOS is a heart-rending, dambusting actioner that turns our eyes into running rivers, as it revolves around one word: sacrifice! One year after GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA (2002), Godzilla is heading toward Tokyo again, as the military races … Read More

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THE WRONG MISSY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wrong Wishy. A movie filled with characters you want to kick in the head, THE WRONG MISSY is an Adam Sandler production that hits all the wishy-washy romcom clichés as it falls out of the douchebag tree. You can smell the high level of stink in Adam Sandler productions like these, because even Adam Sandler won’t star in them, … Read More

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GODZILLA, MOTHRA AND KING GHIDORAH: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla’s Carnival of Souls. It’s what’s inside that counts. And inside Godzilla are the souls of thousands of wronged people, the Old Man telling us, “This animal contains the restless souls of countless people who perished during the battles of the Pacific conflict. It wants to attack us because the Japanese people want to forget the pain and agony they’ve … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. SPACE GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla’s own Clone War. Godzilla must battle his own Godzilla clone – from space! But honestly, Godzilla is just an afterthought in yet another movie that uses his name as marquee power to sell tickets. Hell, even his clone seems like an afterthought as he has no objective other than to build a fortress of crystals and stand in it … Read More

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EXTRACTION 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

Behold in breathless wonder… the film making! His name is Tyler Rake. Rake, not to be confused with hoe, which is his profession – mercenary, selling his services for cash. Chris Hemsworth is special ops action-merc Tyler, hired to rescue an Indian drug lord’s son from a rival drug lord in Dhaka, Bangladesh. EXTRACTION is a straightforward snatch-and-destroy, chase-and-defend, bullets-and-meatballs … Read More

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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

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Moore suave, Moore sexual, Moore savage! Roger Moore slams into his second thrilling James Bond 007 actioner, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (from the 12th Bond novel by Ian Fleming, publ. 1965), targeted by the world’s most expensive hitman, who is plotting to hold the world hostage to the golden sun. Cold open on the million-dollar hitman, Scaramanga. (Christopher … Read More

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DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

Poffy The Cucumber

Stupid is as James Bond does. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER is one of those movies where you can’t get over the stupid! This film makes us wonder whether author Ian Fleming ever plotted his novels so badly. We place half the blame on director Guy Hamilton, who brought us the turgid stupid of GOLDFINGER, and half the blame on screenwriter Richard … Read More

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ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

Poffy The Cucumber

This never happened to the other fella… Bond versus Blofeld, who threatens to wipe out life on Earth – with a virus! (That word, that concept, has taken on different worlds of meaning in 2020!) In the cold open, the gun barrel graphic moves across screen, and a new Agent 007 bends to one knee to shoot at us! new … Read More

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ANTHONY JESELNIK: FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD

Poffy The Cucumber

Pagan Prophet. Dropping a baby – that’s just what he does. According to Anthony Jeselnik, he’s “never held a baby… to completion.” Directed by Marcus Raboy, shot in New York, FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD is Anthony Jeselnik’s second Netflix Standup Special, his fourth “album” of material. And he’s still twisting people’s panties into pretzels. Media itself has become so … Read More

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YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

Poffy The Cucumber

…but you get endless chances to escape… James Bond in Japan! Pretending to be Japanese! It’s as horrifyingly racist as you think. And then some. When Jerry Lewis imitated an Asian, he used to squint his eyes, put in buck teeth and bow a lot. It was a broad hilarious caricature – but it was racist as hell, though probably … Read More

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JERRY SEINFELD: I’M TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME

Poffy The Cucumber

I’m Telling You So You Won’t Waste Your Time. Looking like a cross between John Travolta and Jon Stewart, 44-year-old Jerry Seinfeld launches his second Standup Special with the force of an atom bomb being stopped from exploding. With a star-studded cold open funeral skit that features the greats George Carlin and Garry Shandling, the goods Paul Reiser and George … Read More

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JERRY SEINFELD: 23 HOURS TO KILL

Poffy The Cucumber

A made-up, bogus, not-necessary special event. In an effort to sound less vanilla, Jerry Seinfeld tries to “Carlin up” his 2020 Standup Special – and winds up just another shade of vanilla. To comedy aficionados, the words Seinfeld and Carlin should not be uttered in the same breath (and I too am paying the penance for my utterance, by spending … Read More

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THUNDERBALL

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Thunder-belles and Shirtless Sean! I lost track of how many women James Bond bangs in this movie. Is that why they call it THUNDERBALL? Truly, THUNDERBALL features the best-looking collective female cast of any Bond adventure! And there is not one standout beauty – they’re all stunners! The Blond Nurse, The Sisterly Agent, The Villain’s Naif, and The Redhead Slut. … Read More

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ANGEL HAS FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Falling down the cliché tree and hitting every branch. Secret Service agent Mike Banning, personal bodyguard and guardian angel to the American President, is framed with the attempted murder of his charge, and must go rogue to fight for his innocence. ANGEL HAS FALLEN is a cliché wrapped in a trope, candy-coated with eye-rolling stereotype… but it is – so … Read More

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BILL HICKS: RELENTLESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Today, a young man on acid… We need more comics today with the unbounded passion that Bill Hicks expresses in RELENTLESS – his disdain of all things that Satan is responsible for: religion, sex in advertising, the Supreme Court, rock stars who sell out, the stupidity and avarice of politicians, and women who don’t like giving blowjobs. Filmed in Montreal, … Read More

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GOLDFINGER

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BUTTERFINGER, or, The Case For Firing 007. There are two mentions of “008” in GOLDFINGER. Are we being reminded of James Bond 007 being dispensable? Or is it because in this third outing (from the 7th Bond novel by Ian Fleming), Bond keeps proving how terrible he is at his job? Consider, from this film: how easy it is to … Read More

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