Poffy The Cucumber


Vote No on NO.

DR. NO takes a long time to get going. And by ‘get going’ I mean Ursula Andress in her granny-panty bikini.

Back when chicks were called dames and phones were giant blocks of plastic that couldn’t play Angry Birds, the world’s greatest super spy was birthed, from the novel by Ian Fleming, titled Dr. No – James Bond 007.

DR. NO has the distinction of starting a monumental franchise; it’s the very first James Bond 007 film, and the first film starring Sean Connery as Bond. Debonair, dashing, muscular, young, with fake hair (although no one knew it at the time), Connery would be the face of Bond over six more films, some diehards still finding it hard to let him go as “the best Bond.”

DR. NO is filled with James Bond tropes that had not yet become tropes: such as unselfconsciously giving the villain numerous opportunities to kill the hero, and the villain preferring to explain his whole plan to the hero first before putting the hero in a supposed lethal situation/trap where the chances of the hero escaping are nearly 100% due to the utter thoughtlessness of the lethal situation/trap.


The villain is Dr. No (Joseph Wiseman, with his eyes pulled back to look half-Chinese. So it’s only half-racist.) And he wants nothing less than to Take Over The World Bwohahahahaha! What any villain wants to actually do once they take over the world has always escaped me. Are you going to sit in your office and study the budget deficits of all the countries and try to balance them? Are you going to stop selling arms to both sides in the Middle Eastern conflict (cough-America!) because technically, it’s all one country now under your leadership? I mean, what is your first day on the job of ruling the world – designing a new flag for your whole world nation, or just making sure that the idiot who goes out and buys donuts for everyone in the office doesn’t forget your favorite sugary twists?…

Bond’s spy agency personnel from MI6 are established: Bernard Lee as “M” the boss, and Lois Maxwell as secretary Miss Moneypenny (eternally flirting with Bond, who gently rebukes her advances, probably because she looks old enough to be his aunt).

In its day, it was a spy classic, but DR. NO has dated badly, not just with its “technology” but in its cinematic techniques; cameras are steady, pointing dutifully at the subjects in frame, boring scenes dissolve into other boring scenes, with Bond spending an inordinate amount of time sniffing out the trail of the villain.

Bond snoops around interminably in hotel rooms, bars, on some island, bedding arbitrary wenches, being shadowed by people that are really just spies on his side, sent by a smug guy who looks like Jack Lord from HAWAII FIVE-O– Heey! It is Jack Lord! We’re any of us ever that young?

Bond teams up with Quarrel (John Kitzmiller), the token Black Guy Who Gets Killed First. And eventually – we’re rewarded with the first Bond Girl – Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder. And then we are exposed to her moronic demeanor and wide-assed swimsuit and we wonder why we even bothered waiting. She’s window dressing on Bond’s arm; she screams, she runs, she gets half-naked, she tries to act.


On Dr. No’s island, after at least ten opportunities to kill Bond, who, by No’s own admission, is the bane of his operation, No decides to ask Bond to join his team. Bond says British things that mean Fuck You. So No explains his whole plan to Bond before putting Bond in a supposed lethal situation/trap where the chances of Bond escaping are nearly 100% due to the utter thoughtlessness of the lethal situation/trap.

Oh no they di’int! They didn’t just put Bond in a cell with an air duct the size of an elephant’s ass just above his head! Which he kicks out and crawls through, because – like all air ducts – it’s totally large enough for a man to crawl through. Suddenly, a rushing wave of water comes through the duct and Bond has to hold on for dear life to avoid being swept away. After more interminable crawling, Bond eventually finds another vent opening out onto a computer room– hang on! If water is passing through these ducts,  how could they possibly open out as vents for rooms? What kind of maniac would put the toilet flushing mechanism on the same circuit as the air conditioning? No wonder they call Dr. No a mad scientist!

Here’s another example of mad: Climax finds Bond in disguise in a radiation suit, infiltrating Dr. No’s control room, where everyone is wearing a radiation suit. Why? Because No has built his control room right next to the radioactive isotopes. Guess he didn’t have enough criminal funds to build his control room in a lead-lined room, you frickin’ idiot! (Any wonder it was so easy to spoof this scene in AUSTIN POWERS?)

Punching ensues, even though punching through a radiation suit is presumably not nearly as effective as fist on skin. Yet No’s henchmen all go down at Bond’s Marquess of Queensberry fisticuffs like Apollo Creed being bitched by Ivan Drago. No goes into the isotope drink – and this man with bionic hands that can crush steel can’t hold onto a railing to stop himself from sinking under the radioactive waters.

And Bond celebrates by screwing Honey in the back of a rowboat, while they’re being towed by the British navy. Pssh! Secret agents and the girls in granny panties who love them…


DrNo_titleDR. NO (Oct 1962)
Director: Terence Young.
Writers: Richard Maibaum, Johanna Harwood, Berkely Mather, Ian Fleming, Wolf Mankowitz, Terence Young.
Music: Monty Norman, John Barry.
Starring: Sean Connery, Ursula Andress, Joseph Wiseman, Jack Lord, Bernard Lee, Anthony Dawson, Zena Marshall, John Kitzmiller, Eunice Gayson, Lois Maxwell.
Word Count: 1,110      No. 1,032
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I include this pic of half-naked Ursula Andress for the same reason the film applied her to its sausage-fest: prurient distraction. No link to the plot whatsoever.

With all the fuss made over Honeychile’s assets, I feel the need to dispel the notion that she’s all that. She’s weirdly shaped. Yes, she is reasonably hot, and I guess in the 60s she was considered a ’10’ but is she sucking her gut in? Has she had Caesarean surgery? Does her hotness stem not from her misshapen body but from her willingness to get it all off because that’s her only purpose in any film? She was much hotter, and much nakeder in RED SUN.

Apples to apples – or cantaloupes to cantaloupes – I’ve included a picture of Raquel Welch from 1966’s ONE MILLION SHAMELESS YEARS B.C. Not the iconic posed photo, as that is too smokin hot for anyone’s good, but a pic congruent with Honey Ryder’s. Raquel’s got it in better classical proportion.


Dr. No (1962)
From Russia With Love (1963)
Goldfinger (1964)
Thunderball (1965)
Casino Royale (1967)
You Only Live Twice (1967)
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Live And Let Die (1973)
The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Moonraker (1979)
For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Octopussy (1983)
Never Say Never Again (1983)
A View To A Kill (1985)
The Living Daylights (1987)
License To Kill (1989)
GoldenEye (1995)
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Die Another Day (2002)
Casino Royale (2006)
Quantum Of Solace (2008)
Skyfall (2012)
Spectre (2015)

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