Poffy The Cucumber


Driving around Los Angeles in late 2005, I was as victimized as the next motorist in seeing the rash of billboards advertising the ABC sitcom EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT, starring Heather Graham. Though I waited passively to catch an accidental glimpse of this pap-outa-the-gate commercial malformity whilst channel-surfing (in order to warn viewers off it, as I knew would be my duty), I was not to get the chance, as I heard one night on the Tim Conway/Brian Whitman radio show that it had been cancelled within a week of its pilot episode airing.

So there is a god.

EmilysReasons_captionBut I’ll only start sacrificing fatted calves to Him if He continues along this sane trajectory and makes EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND go away as well…

This program’s extinction, of course, made it nigh impossible to pen a review of a show which I’d never seen and – thankfully – would never see. But let’s face it – if you’ve seen one unfunny American sitcom in the last decade (sorry – that’s tautologous, as there are no “funny” American sitcoms to act as “controls”), you’ve seen this one.

Aww! The woman so beautiful that she doesn’t have to learn a trade to get by in the world having troubly-wubbly wiv her boyfriendy? She’s coquettishly neurotic? Aggravatingly coy? Perfectly coiffured with a “10” body, yet thinks she is hideous? She’s got her little system of criteria that informs her on when to date, whom to date, and how far to go on a date?

We’ve all known women in this mental state of depravity. They’re called “high maintenance.” Another word would be psychotic. another word would be, uh, just “women”…

Thus, to discourage any further treatment or resurrection of this conceptual dungswill, I pen this Open Letter To Emily:

Dear Spoiled Byoch,
Y’know, guys don’t want to hear your reasons why not. Matter of fact, guys don’t even want to know your reasons WHY. If you want to talk, get out. And if you want to make excuses about “why not” – don’t even bother calling!


EmilysReasons_titleEMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT (Jan 2006) | Not Rated
Director: Michael Patrick Jann.
Writers: Emily Kapnek, Carrie Gerlach.
Music: Jared Faber.
Starring: Heather Graham, Nadia Dajani, Khary Payton, Smith Cho.
Word Count: 250      No. 97
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