To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade; to condemn, decry, objurgate…

GIGLI is an insult to gangsters, Italians, homosexuals, Al Pacino, lesbians, actors, retards, and even David Hasselhoff.

First mistake: the movie’s name, and then having Gigli himself explain its pronunciation, like it was a running gag that was funny.

Second mistake: Ben Affleck as Gigli, trying to GET SHORTY with some kind of Bad-Cool ‘tude.

Third mistake: Jennifer Lopez, Fly Girl made good.

Fourth mistake: Rain Man Justin Bartha. Hoffman he ain’t.

Fifth mistake: Jennifer Lopez.

Al Pacino made the sixth mistake, not by appearing in this movie, but by doing Al Pacino.

Seventh mistake: see Fifth Mistake.

Supposed bad-ass gangster Gigli is sent by his boss, Louis (defiantly ugly Lenny Venito) to kidnap a federal prosecutor’s retarded brother, Brian (Bartha), who is obsessed with “The Baywatch.” Stepping into Gigli’s hideout/apartment comes Ricki (Lopez), a lesbian gangster whom Louis has also assigned to the kidnapping because he doubts Gigli’s competence (you and me both, Louis). Gigli falls for Ricki (as any red-blooded guy who has a proclivity for lipstick lesbians is wont to do – to wit: CHASING AMY) and so begins an insufferable cultivation of Ricky’s inscrutable vagina by Gigli.

As with all Hollywood lesbians, Ricki is more than willing to betray her sex for some hot man-love, but there’s a deeper betrayal going on – that of the movie betraying the male gender. The last scene depicts Gigli shedding a decidedly girly tear and letting Ricki drive off in his Merc, whereupon she promptly turns around and picks him up. Usually, the man is driving, the man is picking up the woman, the woman is shedding the tears. In reversing the gender roles, GIGLI tries to get away with emasculating its main character – and fails, if public outcry against this vapid movie is any indication.

Writer-Director Martin Brest, emboldened by his award-winning SCENT OF A WOMAN (1992) must have thought he was onto a winner with this cast – a veeeery public love affair between his leading couple and cameos by Pacino and Christopher Walken (who also made a mistake by appearing in this film, but salvaged his dignity by at least doing a Christopher Walken impression); instead, Brest shoots himself in the foot with a lackluster script, lusterless direction and the absolutely unconvincing concept that Lopez and Affleck could possibly be gangsters.

Within the first ten minutes, there are about five blatant “explanation” monologues (dialogue specifically inserted for the benefit of the viewer): explaining limousine driver lingo, the plot, the word “excoriate” (not only do we get the meaning of excoriate, the character feels the need to justify why he would even use this word – because he is “learning one word a day”). Why does Brest insult us like this? Because he is talking to an audience who would voluntarily watch a Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck movie. That’s how highly he thinks of you. Tragedy is, that demographic will not even realize they are being insulted, because – well, because they would voluntarily watch a Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck movie.

You have been excoriated. Look it up.

END