Poffy The Cucumber


Kevin James takes a photo of Salma Hayek’s ass, the only ass onscreen worth taking a photo of.

Would you like a little movie to go with your pee jokes?

Rob Schneider isn’t here. Nonetheless, GROWN UPS 2 is still worse than its predecessor. It starts with a pee joke, then a tit joke, then a shit joke, then another pee joke, then a combination burp-sneeze-fart trifecta douchefecta. You couldn’t make a movie this bad if you were trying to make a movie this bad. So we congratulate long-time Adam Sandler director Dennis Dugan for achieving the impossible.

The four friends from the last movie (played by Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James and David Spade) have inexplicably decided to all reside in the same small town they grew up in, after having left it to pursue their careers. In the last movie, they all rendezvoused here to pay homage to their dead high school coach; now, there’s zero reason why they are living here pursuing lives as layabouts and wieners, as they meander through a script (by Fred Wolf, Sandler and Tim Herlihy) as unrealistic as it is unfunny. About one hour into GROWN UPS 2, we give up all hope this dog-queef of a movie will come anywhere near a story, and go do something more productive, like rubbing the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

Disjointed scenes of family life, social life, the kids of the principals interacting, Salma Hayek’s tits, rolling David Spade down the road in a tractor tire (yeah, that’s a bit), Colin Quinn simulating taking an ice cream shit, Taylor Lautner as an ambiguously-homo fraternity jock, Salma Hayek’s tits, Alexander Ludwig as Spade’s punk kid, Maya Rudolph playing Rock’s ugly wife again (no wait! People tell me she’s “beautiful.” If you say so), college chicks in bikinis, Salma Hayek’s tits, Shaq as a dopey cop, Nick Swardson ably filling Schneider’s shoes as resident douchebag, and Sandler hiring every single person he knows on the planet for an amateurish cameo.

There is a scene of unbelievable ignorance, which sums up how this movie reached its audience: Maria Bello and Kevin James show their small son math flashcards, like 8+6, to which the son answers “38” or some such idiocy. They PRAISE him. On it goes with the flashcards, every answer wrong from this idiot child, yet receiving PRAISE not correction, because they “don’t want to destroy his confidence.” Audience, you do realize that kid is YOU? Never learning the difference between quality and stupidity, the stage set to grow up an Adam Sandler fan; a Venn diagram overlapping Republicans as far away from facts as possible.

Sandler himself plays a normal guy, and I am thankful for this small mercy, as I quite like his Everyman demeanor, but Kevin James quickly cancels that out with his fat-based tryhard pratfalls.

As with the last movie, there is ONE SINGLE MOMENT that achieves any kind of empathy or resonance with normal human beings. Sandler reaches a last straw seeing his son bullied, so in order to show him that a bully needs to be stood up to, he takes on his own bully from ages past – Steve Austin. As they face off, Austin, who “has a son in Afghanistan” realizes “we’d do anything for our sons,” and whispers to Sandler that he would take a dive. It is so touching, I swear I almost cried.

Then Kevin James does something fucking stupid.


GrownUps2_titleGROWN UPS 2 (Jul 2013) PG-13
aka: GROWN-UPS 2
Director: Dennis Dugan.
Writers: Adam Sandler, Fred Wolf, Tim Herlihy.
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Steve Buscemi, Colin Quinn, Alexander Ludwig, Tim Meadows, Shaquille O’Neal, Peter Dante, Steve Austin, Milo Ventimiglia, Jake Goldberg, Cameron Boyce, China Anne McClain, Cheri Oteri, Alexander Ludwig, Dan Patrick, Kris Murrell.
Word Count: 560      No. 1,203
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