Three Shits To The Wind…

You will vomit. Then you will call the censorship board demanding to know who the hell was asleep at their post to let such a deformed dungcastle slip through the decency filters of society. But enough about Rob Schneider movies. Let’s turn our attention to THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3. It’s almost as bad.

Dare you witness this debauched torture-porn horror-comedy after stroking yourself to its two twisted predecessors, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE and THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE? I guess that’s why we’re here.

A prison warden, in an effort to cut costs and force his inmates to respect his authoritah, takes his cues from the two HUMAN CENTIPEDE movies and turns all his inmates into a 500-man human centipede. The mind of small government at work.

Writer-director and certified insane person Tom Six puts a meta spin on this perverse and downright criminal sequel: in the movie CENTIPEDE 2, the original HUMAN CENTIPEDE movie (starring Dieter Laser) had become just a movie, with a mute Laurence Harvey taking his cues from its fiction. Now, in the reality of CENTIPEDE 3, both 1 and 2 are movies – and both Dieter Laser and Laurence Harvey star in this third movie as if nothing ever happened. Watching themselves onscreen in those first two movies, they never acknowledge themselves. I mean, would YOU?

Laser is prison warden Bill Boss, a psychotic sadist with constant shouted dialogue that rapes the English language up the ass and reaches new levels of Nic Cage Plus. Harvey is his loquacious assistant, who puts forward the ass-over-tit idea of saving money by following the example of the CENTIPEDE movies. For the first time in this series, they accede to the concept that the centipede will need “injections of nutrients.” Oh, so it’s looking up for the ass-to-mouthers.

To consult on the feasibility of the plan, they bring in the prison doctor (Clayton Rohner) and the director of the movies they plan to emulate – Tom Six! Playing himself! There’s a strange idiocy at work here, because it’s one thing to make these fantasy films, but then to actually play yourself and be “excited to see it done in real life because it is 100% medically accurate!” raises the threat level to orange. If Tom Six wasn’t being investigated before, isn’t it time to start, FBI?

The doctor also verifies the procedure, in what has become THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE’s infamous catchcry – “100% medically accurate.” Considering this is the only prison that will let him practice without a license, it MUST be true.

Porn actress Bree Olsen (ASS PARADE 29) is Boss’s blonde secretary Daisy, tits squashed together and skirt vagina-high for maximum prurience. And good ole B-movie goddess Eric Roberts (SHARKTOPUS) is the Governor.

The tagline is true – 100% Politically Incorrect – but one thing can be said about these movies that insult every race, religion and sexual fetish: the fun never stops. Bill Boss’s antics are SO insane that, ironically, we somehow hang onto a shred of sanity while watching his cheese-blown performance, because no one could possibly BE that insane. He’s the type of warden who considers lethal injections too nice, “putting the cockroach to sleep with a sissy needle”; who eats fried clitorises for power; who strangles an inmate to death (Robert LaSardo), then gets the inmate resuscitated by the doctor – so he can strangle him again!

When Boss castrates an inmate from behind, we double over in sympathetic agony. When he rubs the ball-blood over his own face in ecstasy and orders the guard, “Bring these little fuckers to the cook. I want them medium rare for lunch!” we almost vomit. When we see him forking a fried testicle into his mouth, we do.

Not convinced yet? How about the death rape? Where the inmates hold down Boss, cut open his side, and one of them fucks him in the kidney, while Boss screams and everyone chants, “Death rape! Death rape!”…

When Boss meets with Tom Six (“the director with the poop fetish”), he is so far around the circle of insanity he’s almost back to normal, telling Six the centipede idea can’t be feasible because “we’re not idiots in a movie!”

Of course, we the audience are also the brunt of insult, as overhauling their facility to create the infrastructure to make this 500-man centipede would cost a million times more cash and effort than the status quo. As if we don’t know this. No matter. Six goes ahead with his audacious insanity with money from nowhere, because in movies, you can do that. Teams of doctors hack and saw and stitch together this abomination until it is a line of bereft ass-to-mouth souls snaking around the exercise yard. With none other than Tommy “Tiny” Lister (THE FIFTH ELEMENT) at its head.

If that’s not enough, a jubilant Bill Boss shows off his handiwork to the Governor, especially proud of the gore-porn he enacted on the death row inmates – cutting off all their arms and legs and joining their limbless torsos ass-to-mouth, to resemble a real centipede…

Brain clouded with horror, vomit over my shoes, gut queasy, skin crawling, rash burning, ethics in question for seemingly condoning this crystalline insanity by viewing it and not calling the police… Well, at least it’s not a Rob Schneider movie.

END