Pinch this one off.

Lo, I have given thee cow’s dung for man’s dung, And thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith.
–Book of Ezekiel, 4:15

There are certain movies that you should see– nay, that you have to see because they have entered mankind’s memetic consciousness. All your friends will ask, “Have you seen it?!” These are not simply movies but cultural events: KING KONG 1933, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, AVATAR, 2 GIRLS 1 CUP… Then there are those movies you wish you could UN-see: HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING, BATTLEFIELD EARTH, GLITTER…

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is both. (And uh, so is 2 GIRLS 1 CUP. Is it coincidence that both movies involve brownies?)

Europe squeezes out this perversity that, no matter what anyone says, is pretty compelling shit! No, literally. You don’t have to be coprophilic to enjoy THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE – but it helps.

A mad surgeon (Dieter Laser – classic name! – and looks like Lance Henriksen on champion drugs) decides to surgically join three people together – ass-to-mouth! (You won’t be laughing when your stitches heal on some Japanese man’s bum.)

Two American girls in Europe with no acting talent and medium-sized bosoms in hefty-sized push-up bras get a flat tire in the woods. Well, shit happens. But instead of walking down the road to a gas station, they tramp into the woods (did I say ‘tramp’?). I’m sure they’ll find help amongst the woodland creatures; if not, their incessant yapping should provide enough hot air to float home on brainless vapors alone. It might have been wrong to sew their mouths to someone’s ass, but at least it shut them up.

The girls (Ashlynn Yennie and Ashley C. Williams) come upon Laser’s house in the woods, made of gingerbread and ass-cake. He rufies them quicksmart and I’m cheering. They wake shackled to hospital beds next to a shackled Japanese man who speaks no English (Akihiro Kitamura). In deep shit, pretty much. Laser explains to them he wants to create a “Siamese triplet joined via the gastric system,” which only proves he is, in fact, “mad,” because sewing one person’s anus to another person’s mouth is not joining their gastric systems, it’s simply sewing one person’s anus to another person’s mouth.

Simple biology: after the first body has taken all the nutrients out of its food, it will expel only waste into the second person’s body. How is that second body meant to extract nutrients to go on living? And the third body? And what if they vomit? The body’s autonomous survival mechanism will try to reject waste being dumped down its throat – where does that go? I can foresee Numbers 2 and 3 retching and re-swallowing until they choke on – like Spinal Tap – someone else’s vomit! At this stage, we begin to doubt the film’s claim, “100% medically accurate.” Maybe it’s just a slogan that doesn’t mean shit, like “To Protect And Serve” or sarcastically ironic like “Have a Nice Day”…

The audacity of the plot keeps us rooting for Laser. Like the argument for AND against listening to Howard Stern, “You want to see what shit he’ll do next.”

No way to describe the medical mungholery: Laser cuts their knee ligaments so they cannot extend their legs straight and have to crawl on all fours; we see him removing their teeth with pliers – oh, joyous visual and simultaneous primal fear; he grafts the leading person’s butt-skin onto the cheeks of the next person, placing the Japanese man as Number 1, the feisty girl who tried to escape as Number 2, and her bosom friend Number 3.

And speaking of Number 2… When Japanese Guy grimaces and apologizes to Number 2, well… Number 2 in name and Number 2 for dinner…

The operation is a success! If you consider eating poo-poo the rest of your short life a success. You’ll be horrified – if you can stop laughing in swollen sympathy; like watching someone get kicked in the nuts – it’s funny, but you still feel nauseous.

Laser forces his whimpering and moaning human centipede to crawl onto the lawn and he tries to make it/them do tricks for him, the main trick being staying alive without any nutrition. What a maroon this guy is! At the beginning of the film, we see him lamenting over a photograph of three dogs joined the same way; we presume the dogs are dead (I wonder how?! For a surgeon, he pretty much knows shit about biology) and he is progressing up the evolutionary tree to Asians and Bimbos.

It’s pretty hot that the chicks are topless all the time – unfortunately, we can’t see shit because they’re constantly in that baby-crawling position and everyone is wearing adult diapers to hide the ass-to-mouth surgery scars that aren’t really there. (Still, there’s no reason why the last chick can’t be showing her shit. Why is she wearing a diaper? Such a waste of a doggy position – throw us a bone, Laser!)

So what else happens? You mean a lunatic joining people ass-to-mouth isn’t enough for you? Just try crawling up a circular staircase with your de-toothed jaws clamped to the rectum of some Japanese guy who just shat in your mouth.

The merde hits the fan when two Euro detectives come sniffing around about missing Asians and Bimbos, and blood starts flying almost as gratuitously as caca.

The last chick starts to fade; Laser blames infection of her cheek graft sutures, but could it be something to do with, “Eat shit and die”?

It’s hard to rate a movie like this: the story is linear and doesn’t dump on our higher brain functions; but our limbic stem is rufied and raped and feels like it’s been stitched to a Japanese man’s bum.

And that kind of disturbing rankling of our senses surely means THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is not total excrement.

Apparently, writer-director Tom Six has already plotted the sequel, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (SECOND SEQUENCE), where he plans to join 12 people ass-to-mouth. Real thought-provoking, intelligent cinema. Can’t wait for that shit.

I don’t see what the big deal is anyway. I mean, in EUROPE, how hard is it to find two girls willing to get their mouths sewn to another person’s anus? This is, after all, the home of German Goo Girls, Scheisse porn, Denmark BDSM… just put an ad in the local family paper, you’ll have a line of chicks around the block like a goddam Human Centipede!

END