Poffy The Cucumber


One-dimensional characters in a 3D world.

Diary of a Douchebag.

Johnny Knoxville leads his troupe of professional sado-masochists through another array of idiotic stunts in JACKASS 3D, that I’m guessing is for the purpose of:
a) getting themselves killed;
b) satisfying their torture-porn kink;
c) touching each others’ balls.

“Professional” because these guys are somehow getting paid to perform these stupid, elaborate stunts, and “sado-masochists” because the stunts are specifically concocted to cause pain and suffering to the performer.

The troupe includes the usual jackasses: baby-faced Bam Margera (who suddenly gets real when confronted with his snake phobia), Ryan Dunn (now dead), Steve-O (depleted brain activity), Jason “Wee Man” Acuna (little people can be this stupid too), obese Preston Lacy (also credited as “writer” of this garbage), Chris Pontius (apparently a nudist), unnoticed Ehren McGhehey and leftover-nutbag Dave England. Make no mistake: these guys are idiots in the true medical sense of the word, meaning “A person of severe mental deficit, incapable of coherent speech or of normal response to danger.”

Directed by JACKASS veteran Jeff Tremaine without any plot, purpose or point, this excuse for a “movie” opens with Beavis and Butthead (yes, the cartoon characters) explaining the use of 3D glasses, because:
a) there was real doubt that this movie’s demographic would know how to use them, and
b) the movie needed more proof on how lowbrow it was.

Is the 3D effective, cool, worthwhile in a movie of this ilk? I dunno. Who cares?

Opening titles feature the cast being belted and beaten to near-death in super-slomo. And that sounds like Dee Snider singing the opening theme, so they had to raise at least $4.50 for his fee.

The number of times these guys bash each other in the nuts, it’s like a closet-homo carnival of repression. These guys are so into touching, looking at, hitting, swiping, fondling, and gargling each others’ manginas, they’ll use ANY EXCUSE to get naked or down to their freeballing underpants. Or how about when Knoxvile throws a golf ball at naked Pontius, who bats at it with his tumescent dick, whereupon Margera tries to catch the golf ball in his mouth. Guys, there’s an easier way to get your mouth near each others’ dicks: just suck each other off.


Why do I need balls if all I do is hang around other men trying to touch them?

Stunts include (not a complete list):

  • Jetski — where we see a closeup cam that shows Knoxville’s painful reaction to hitting his 39-year-old chest on the handlebar; yet all around are guffawing, unaware of that expression we just witnessed;
  • Tee Ball — Steve-O being hit directly in the nuts with a baseball; of his 36 years on Earth, how many times has he used his dick for its actual intended purpose of being put in men’s assholes?;
  • Beehive — two of the idiots allowing themselves to be stung by hives of bees;
  • Roller Buffalo — Knoxville on roller skates simply being trampled by four buffaloes. After the first one butts him in the torso the others just run around his crumpled form. It takes one second. I hope it was worth the medical bills for a punctured pancreas. There must be a better way to get fisted Johnny, really. Later, he sets himself up to be continually charged by a bull (in Invisible Man). One day his testicles are going to be impaled on an ungulate horn and his non-existent kids will thank him.
  • Super-gluing nude Wee Man to nude Preston in a 69 position – am I lying with the gay quotient or am I imagining it?;
  • Sweatsuit Cocktail – gathering obese Preston’s sweat while he’s on a treadmill and Steve-O drinking it, while all the cast and viewing audience vomit. Smart stunt. Real smart. Again, if you want this man’s liquids in your body so badly, suck his cock and swallow the semen, Steve-O.
  • Pin The Tail On A Real Donkey – a naked, blindfolded idiot kicked in the thigh by a donkey while he tries to get close to its butt with a fake tail. Unfortunately, it misses crushing his genitalia for life. Maybe Knoxville can do that with his mouth.
  • Pigsty – shoving an apple up fat Preston’s ass and letting a giant pig eat it out.
  • Irving Zisman montage (aka Knoxville in oldguy makeup causing social distress) – at least these gags are not physically hurtful to anyone, and are the best “candid camera” moments in the film;
  • The Bungee Portaloo – Steve-O strapped in a portaloo and covered in shit. I’m beginning to suspect Steve-O is a bulimic and is simply thinking up creative ways to vomit rather than simply shoving a horse penis down his throat.
  • Lamborghini Tooth Pull – a medical procedure turned into a prank; this idiot’s face could be ruined for life by tying a string around a gammy tooth and using a Lamborghini to pull the string, which comes out with an audible pop, as the idiot starts screaming. We realize – no anesthetic. If you’re that stupid that you would entrust the jackass crew with a medical procedure, you deserve a life spent in agonizing palate complications. By the way, didn’t you already do this in JACKASS NUMBER TWO, you brainless bastards?
  • Pub Fight – One very funny moment that involves onlookers’ reactions, where Wee Man takes a Wee Woman into a bar for a quiet drink, with hidden cameras. Suddenly another midget guy appears, cussing out the woman for cheating on him. He brings back two midget thugs to beat up Wee Man. Midget Fight! Suddenly two midget cops run in to break it up. Cops call medics for the injured – and two midget medics run in! It’s staged brilliantly, and the pub patrons, none of whom interrupt the fracas, can only look on in stunned amusement at the unfolding midget tableau.

Most of the stunts are mean-spirited and somewhat disturbing for their pain or imminent-death quotient. What are the conditions of the insurance companies for this film? When the idiots are guffawing and running toward a fallen comrade after a stunt, is there a seed of fear in their heads that he might not be alive, or chronically damaged for life? Who cares?

Live Long and Fester, you tools.


Jackass3d_titleJACKASS 3D (Oct 2010) R
Director: Jeff Tremaine.
Writers: Preston Lacy, Harrison Stone.
Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Ryan Dunn, Jason “Wee Man” Acuña, Preston Lacy, Dave England, Ehren McGhehey, Spike Jonze, Jeff Tremaine, Tony Hawk, April Margera, Phil Margera.
RATINGS-03 imdb
Word Count: 1,160      No. 1,249
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Poffy-SezDick no more.
It was during a motorcycle stunt in 2007, in honor of Evel Knievel, that Johnny Knoxville irreparably injured his penis and tore his urethra. In his words, “It’s like a sock that has lost its elasticity.” Horrible, saddening, disturbing. Though this is probably the worst thing any man could endure, and though every man feels extreme empathy for the fact he has had to catheter himself for over 3 years just to take a piss (to alleviate his insides scarring), we must also ask, Did we expect anything less? Almost every stunt this guy does threatens to de-male him.

So we wonder, Is it manliness or stupidity that keeps him coming back to the stunts that could worsen his plight?

He has actually sired two healthy kids since his accident, and is reportedly happily married, and his BAD GRANDPA films have toned down the injurious stuntwork for him, so maybe there’s a glimmer of hope for the dick yet (meaning Johnny and his johnson).

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