Sweat, Flesh, Booze, Drugs, wife-swapping, dry humping, backstabbing… who wants breakfast?

Don’t bullshit me! You came here to see Channing Tatum dance!

You didn’t come to MAGIC MIKE to see the story of young loser Adam (Alex Pettyfer) who can’t hold a job to save his life, befriending stripper Magic Mike (Tater Tots Tatum), who smarms him a job at the local male striperoo.

Touted as a pseudo bio of Tater Tots himself, Pettyfer’s Adam is Tater’s avatar, with Tater himself playing the role of dancing fool mentor. No matter how pretty he may be, I know *I* wouldn’t want the non-acting of Alex Pettyfer representing *my* pseudo-biographical tight ass.

Magic Poff

You didn’t come to see the “Cock-Rocking Kings of Tampa” or their superbly-mounted sensual onstage antics – Joe Manganiello as Big Dick Richie, Matt Bomer (who could easily play another Superman), Adam Rodriguez as The Token Latino Guy and Kevin Nash as Tarzan. And you sho’ din’t come to see elephantine Gabriel Inglesias as the fluffy DJ.

You came to see Channing Tatum dance.

You didn’t even come to laff your ass off at Matthew McConaughey as Dallas (owner of the strip club and vying to break his boys big in Miami) wearing short shorts so tight my gorge was doing the samba with my spleen; then later doing a bronze-assed striptease to KISS’s Calling Dr. Love. His leather chaps, hunky thighs and penchant for getting in everyone’s personal space like an arguing lover, nominates him to snatch the crown from Tom Cruise in TOP GUN as the gayest straight role ever.

You didn’t come for the amazing perfect cantaloupes of Bomer’s wife, or the A-cup flat-bellied blondness of Cody Horn, or even the almost-hotness of Olivia Munn’s exposed ta-tas. And you sure ain’t here for the pabulum romance between Magic Tater and Cody Horn. Because for that romance to work, it ends up belittling the very profession that Magic has made so lucrative for himself that he can afford a gigantic house on the beach. You didn’t come for the story to end up making no sense at all, and disparaging the stripping business, even though it is more legitimate a business than playing the stock market or declaring worthless stocks golden and crashing the economy. You sure didn’t come for that.

Don’t bullshit me! You came to see Channing Tatum dance!

Know what? So did I.

END