Poffy The Cucumber

Doing the Schumer Shimmy.

What a slut! I’m 12 minutes into Nikki Glaser’s standup Special and she is still talking about blowjobs. It stopped being funny around the 2nd minute.

All I can think of when I hear Nikki Glaser’s name is her face “glazed” with cum… Oh, sorry, I forgot that only women can have foul mouths these days, because it’s EMPOWERING.

Nikki Glaser’s second standup Special, BANGIN’ (her first for Netflix), filmed at The Academy in Los Angeles, is 1 hour and 3 minutes of incessant chatter and zero content. I bet she writes in her dating profile that she’s “a good conversationalist” — because she is exactly the type that confuses talking with the art of conversation.

But then, she’s not exactly talking about nothing – she’s talking about sex. And sex. And sex. And sex.

And sex.

After 15 minutes on blowjobs, where she offers the most idiotic advice to men (“Give a girl a compliment about her blowjobs – even if she’s bad. Then she’ll want to do it more.” Are you kidding? Why do I want her scraping me raw with her teeth just to assuage her insecurities?), Nikki moves onto the shape of her vagina lips, then her masturbation techniques. Then bondage, which she loves, because “you don’t have to DO anything.”

Nikki attacks each lewd subject with a sluttish brio that just screams woke female role model, “…Cos I like a dick in me. I’m sorry, I like getting stuffed.” And we can’t call you a slut because…? Oh, right, that would be sexist. Not like your act, which proves you are POWERFUL and INTELLIGENT and INDEPENDENT, when you “get blackout drunk, hone in on a guy and then Cosby myself into this situation where I would be penetrated that night.”

I’m sure women will find all this aggressive sexuality EMPOWERING. Trouble is, try and explain your empowerment to men who now think you want it anywhere anytime anyhow… In Nikki’s own words (from imdb Quotes): “A lot of time after shows guys say really disgusting and creepy, rapey things to me because they just have heard me talk so much and so openly about sex on-stage. They think it’s okay to continue the dialogue after the show. It’s always very jarring. I get where it comes from. I know they’re just stupid and that’s why they do it, and that it’s not malicious. They think they’re just joking around. But I feel like I’m a lady in the streets and a freak on the stage.”

Simply proving the archetype of the dirt-talking woman who is the first to cry #MeToo when someone propositions her in the carpark. Is that called hypocrisy or double standard? Feminists, I really need your help here.

If comedy is catharsis, if comedy is honesty, and if you are self-admittedly one of the new breed of comedians who open your veins onstage to bleed at the audience as your father-confessor, then you have to own up to your own words, Nikki! She is not “fantasizing” when delivering her vagina monologues, she are not relating other peoples’ anecdotes, she is saying: *I* am great at getting fucked. *I* was born with the ability to kick back and have a hole. *I* swallow cum. *I* need a dicking… (Oh, and by the way, it doesn’t take much to be “great at getting fucked”; in other words, you’re great at lying there and letting the man do all the work. Empowering!)

Look, I’m no prude; Nikki is a smokin’ hot babe with a svelte body built for bangin,’ and I love me some dirty, edgy female comedians (young Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, young Joan Rivers, Tiffany Haddish, Chelsea Handler, Janeane Garofalo), but every renowned filthy female comedian has substance behind her sexual observations; Nikki’s problem is not the filth, it’s the lack of thought that has gone into that filth.

Where do you go after a show like BANGIN’? Straight to bangin’ of course!

I’m too far out of Nikki’s target audience (i.e. no vagina) to find her shallow jokes funny and, unfortunately for her, I’ve been exposed to GOOD comedy, from the likes of Pryor, Carlin, Hicks, Chappelle, Silverman and Garofalo. I’m not even offended at the jokes; they’re just buck-nasty for shock value to her pedestrian Millennial audiences who are just discovering their labial folds look like overstuffed burgers… And we note how the energy level and interest level drops in the few moments Nikki treads outside the realm of lascivious, as she lacks the ability to craft her non-sexual material as compellingly as her filth. So she’s dug herself into her own hole. (See how I crafted that double-meaning, Nikki? But I guess your Cro-Magnon audience is so lowbrow, they regard “I love getting fucked” as a crafted line.)

It’s ironic that there is so much vitriol directed toward Amy Schumer these days for joke-stealing, and now Nikki is outright stealing Amy’s whole act.

The first line in BANGIN’ is: “Do you remember the first time you found out about blowjobs?” Nikki brings it full circle by ending her set with sucking clit. So no one can say she’s sexist.

If we listen carefully, the seeds of Nikki’s pathos are revealed in her second bit. After the blowjob intro, before she launches into her insecure, shriking-for-attention, sex-starved routine, she spends a couple of minutes lamenting how she was never the cute sister; that people were always complimenting her older sibling, “You should be a model.” And she tells of how she would squirm from behind her mother’s skirts like Nosferatu, putting on a creaking voice and twisted countenance, “What should *I* be?” Right there – that’s the genesis of this Special. She never did get over it.

Poor slut.


NIKKI GLASER: BANGIN’ (Oct 2019) | Not Rated
Director: Nicholaus Goossen.
Writer: Nikki Glaser.
Producers: Nikki Glaser, Nicholaus Goossen.
Starring: Nikki Glaser.
Word Count: 990      No. 1,485
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