Poffy The Cucumber

Shark Sandwich.

Sharknado_caption2Recall the wisdom of the reviewer who wrote the two-word summation of Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich: “Shit sandwich.”

The human race is not worth saving. I’m sure of that now.

Not just because SHARKNADO was made in the first place – a non-budget TV movie on the SyFy Channel about sharks being swept up in a tornado and raining down on Los Angeles – but that it somehow spiked in tweets one night and cable news programs saw fit to promote its effluence by spending more time talking about the tweets than actual news. They were not even promoting the movie, which was taken for granted as being a stinker, but commenting on the social media storm surrounding it.

My question is: Why? Why comment about social media on the NEWS? That’s what social media is for – to comment about unintelligent, pointless swill that isn’t important enough to make the news.

Thus promulgating the idea that SHARKNADO is somehow different from all the other yak dung the SyFy channel throws at its dimwitted demographic – to whit: ARACHNOQUAKE, PIRANHACONDA, MEGA PYTHON VERSUS GATOROID, et al. The titles say it all, don’t they? And “dimwitted demographic” should explain why twitter went haywire in the first place…

Let’s turn the crank and put the universe back in order: SHARKNADO is a piece of feces starring three washed-up actors (Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and John Heard), some faceless guys who look like wannabe runway models and some faceless girls who look like pole dancers; zero directorial skills, zero writing skills, zero editing skills, zero acting skills.

Tara Reid’s dad dies – a look on her face like she just got a flat tire. A guy and a chick go up in a helicopter to bomb the tornado and chick falls out of chopper – a look on his face like he just got a flat tire. Father sees son falling from the sky in out-of-control chopper – a look on his face like he just got a flat tire. Daughter sees her father swallowed whole by a shark – and after every actor has proven time and again their jejune comprehension of tragedy is the Flat Tire Look, the director still goes in for a closeup on the daughter. Yep, flat tire.


The Flat Tire Look in action!

And no, SHARKNADO is not in the “so bad it’s good” category. That’s reserved for cult flotsam like MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE or James Bond movies. The filmmakers of SHARKNADO aren’t even trying. Allow me to quote Gregory Hines and a drug officer from RUNNING SCARED:

“This is real shit. This coke is pure shit.”
“It’s good shit, right?”
“I mean bad shit.”
“Bad shit like, ‘This shit is bad’?”
“It’s shit shit. This shit isn’t worth shit.”

Just give me five minutes in a dark room with the filmmakers, and a shoe to beat them with. And humanity can forget about this shit and continue trying to find that cure for cancer…


Sharknado_titleSHARKNADO (Jul 2013) | Not Rated
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante.
Writer: Thunder Levin.
Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassandra Scerbo, Jaason Simmons, Alex Arleo, Heather Jocelyne Blair, Sumiko Braun, Julie McCullough.
Word Count: 470      No. 850
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