THUNDERBALL

Poffy The Cucumber

Thunder-belles and Shirtless Sean! I lost track of how many women James Bond bangs in this movie. Is that why they call it THUNDERBALL? Truly, THUNDERBALL features the best-looking collective female cast of any Bond adventure! And there is not one standout beauty – they’re all stunners! The Blond Nurse, The Sisterly Agent, The Villain’s Naif, and The Redhead Slut. … Read More

LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-00: NO PLACE TO HIDE

Poffy The Cucumber

LOST tries to find its way… It’s LOST IN SPACE without Dr. Smith and the Robot, therefore 20% less fruity fun! “No Place To Hide” is the unaired pilot (Episode 00) of the 1965 TV series LOST IN SPACE, where the Robinson family, on their pioneering quest to Alpha Centauri, is thrown off course and into deep space adventures. The … Read More

LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-01: THE RELUCTANT STOWAWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost in Nostalgia. The Space Family Robinson, on a pioneering flight to Alpha Centauri, is swerved off course by an evil gay doctor and a bubble-headed booby. This first LOST IN SPACE episode (“The Reluctant Stowaway”) is a grim science fiction adventure tale, set in the bleak “future” of 1997, where a silver-suited Professor John Robinson leads his silver-suited family … Read More

GAMERA

Poffy The Cucumber

Stone-Age Mutant Ninja Turtle. GOJIRA was a smash hit for Japan’s Toho Studios in 1954, so competing Daiei Studios pondered on how they could also create a property as towering and nightmarish as the fire-breathing irradiated lizard; a gigantic, destructive, plodding behemoth that would strike terror into the heart of Mankind as fearfully as Godzilla, King of the Monsters! And … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

The Shark Jumpty Dance. GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO is a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits. It’s because even within the world of the movie – Nothing. Makes. Sense. This movie – like so many other “Godzilla movies” of … Read More

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

Poffy The Cucumber

The Most Tedious Story Ever Told. Oh God! THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD is so far up its own arse that Satan called the filmmakers and thanked them for turning so many people off Christianity. While choirs of angels provide the soundtrack, God speaks through Jesus Christ, his only begotten son whom he sent to Earth to take away the … Read More

VON RYAN’S EXPRESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Training Brahs. In WWII, prisoner of war Frank Sinatra enters an Italian prison camp and starts doing things His Way. VON RYAN’S EXPRESS is an audacious prison escape movie, an original trinket amongst the morass of World War II movies culled from supposedly “true events.” British and American prisoners of war hijack their own prison train and outrace Germans to … Read More

THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX

Poffy The Cucumber

Toying with Tragedy. It’s TWELVE ANGRY MEN trapped in the desert. A cargo plane carrying a handful of military personnel and civilians crashlands in the Sahara. No radio contact, 130 miles off course, with no rescue prospects, food and water for eleven days… One of the passengers claims to be an aircraft designer and outlines a plan to rebuild the … Read More

BOEING BOEING

Poffy The Cucumber

Laughing all the way to the skank. A sex-comedy with no sex and very little comedy. Tony Curtis is an American philandering bachelor living in France, who keeps three airline stewardesses on a string, each thinking they are his fiancé. With their worldwide flying schedules, they are never in town at the same time, so through the simple practice of … Read More

THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY

Poffy The Cucumber

Masterpiece of a Masterpiece. Stupendous over-acting from both Rex Harrison and Our Man Charlton is the saving grace of director Carol Reed‘s lavish THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY, which threatens to bog itself sermonizing over religion and art, set in an epoch seemingly dominated by both, The Renaissance. Adapted from a slice of Irving Stone‘s book of the same name, … Read More