KISS | Killers

Poffy The Cucumber

It won’t kill you, but it might hurt you like a girl slap. irstly, Jesus! The assface record company could not come up with a more clichéd name? Killers is the 18th overall release for KISS, and their 2nd Greatest Hits compilation. And also the name of Iron Maiden’s 2nd album (1981). And Killer was the name of Alice Cooper’s … Read More

KISS | Creatures Of The Night

Jon Dunmore

Howling in the shadows until we start to bite… hey called Destroyer The Return of KISS. They called Dynasty The Return of KISS. And now Creatures Of The Night – The Return of KISS (hooray! Uh… what?). Then the next album without makeup – Lick It Up – The Return of KISS (again!), then in 1996, The Return of KISS (with original members)… … Read More

FIRST BLOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

The OTHER Rocky. Hey, all you skatepunks and facebookers and under-30 neo-hippies: you know that word “Rambo” that you toss around to describe tough guys? It’s an unquestioned part of modern worldwide vernacular: you use it as sarcasm, insult or deflective compliment; newscasters use it to sprinkle their reports with humor; sociologists use it to identify unnecessary brutality; the word is … Read More

TRON

Poffy The Cucumber

Lethal Frisbees and lighted panties. Greetings, Programs! Welcome to a visual revolution in movies! Though it was the first of its kind, to this day there is nothing that looks like TRON. It’s a piece of unique art frozen in time; released in that transitional period of 1982 when pinball games were gradually being replaced by the black-screen frenetics of … Read More

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Save a Barbaric Yawp for me. CONAN THE BARBARIAN opens with a Nietzsche title card: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Oh, so it’s a focus on the philosophical struggle of mankind. Well, actually it’s more a focus on the “kill” and “stronger” bits. For an action-adventure fantasy epic, CONAN THE BARBARIAN sure is painfully slow, padded … Read More

DEATH WISH II

Poffy The Cucumber

Wish it wasn’t. Charles Bronson returns as vigilante Paul Kersey in DEATH WISH II. And we wish he hadn’t. We got the point in DEATH WISH (1974): True justice is revenge. And people like it that way – just too pigeon-scared to admit it in “civilized” society. So now we get another film saying the same thing – only with … Read More

E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the Phoning Scrotums. E.T. can levitate. How then does he get left behind on Earth in the first place? D’oh! Used to be the greatest movie ever. When we were ten. From a story by Melissa Matheson, immortalized by director Steven Spielberg (back when he considered aliens benign and wonderful), E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL follows an extra-terrestrial alien named … Read More

PINK FLOYD THE WALL

Poffy The Cucumber

“Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall…” If you wanna find out what’s behind these cold eyes You just have to claw your way through this disguise… — In The Flesh, Pink Floyd. A visual cataclysm of a musical monolith. PINK FLOYD: THE WALL is the movie of the album that hit us right between the teens, embedded in … Read More

STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Yes We Khaaaaan! Can we find anyone in the galaxy who can chew more cheese onscreen than James Tiberius Kirk? Yes We Khan! In STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, Ricardo Montalban (as Khan Noonien Singh) joins the regular cast of three actors (Shatner, Nimoy, Kelley) and four extras posing as actors (Doohan, Takei, Koenig, Nichols) in the feature … Read More

FIREFOX

Poffy The Cucumber

Foxy Harry. If you don’t know Clint, don’t start here. FIREFOX is a dark horse in the Clint canon. It’s him all right, pulling all the Clint faces, slamming the same Clint right hooks – but the movie just lacks grip. Start with the seminal Clint (Leone’s DOLLAR trilogy), the early period Clint (HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER), mid-period Clint (EVERY WHICH … Read More