RUNAWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Looking back at the Future. Back in 1984, when Tom Selleck was kinda a leading man and Gene Simmons was kinda an actor, they made a movie called RUNAWAY. Kinda. It is The Future, and “robots” are aiding every facet of humanity, from drones with cameras in them (you don’t say!) to Artificial Intelligence nanny robots (that look like a … Read More

CONAN THE DESTROYER

Poffy The Cucumber

Adventure on Steroids (i.e. too musclebound to move). CONAN THE DESTROYER slowly follows Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, still learning how to speak with his mouth), empowered by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to accompany a virgin princess (Olivia d’Abo, too spinner-sexy for words, which is probably why Arnold can’t speak) and her bodyguard (Wilt Chamberlain, still learning how to act) … Read More

GHOSTBUSTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Starts off Solid, Ends up Ectoplasm…. GHOSTBUSTERS has a lot going for it – an original story (by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis, about three paranormal investigators in New York opening a business as ghost exterminators), lovable characters, great comedic performances (notably from Bill Murray), and two excellent opening acts that are alternately humorous, intriguing, chilling and action-packed. Unfortunately, in … Read More

THE RETURN OF GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Rubber Side of Vengeance. Reboot, Japanese style. THE RETURN OF GODZILLA is the 16th film in the Godzilla franchise, the first of the Heisei series, and the original Japanese film that brings Godzilla back to the big screen. I know what you’re thinking, and I’ll clear it up right now: THE RETURN OF GODZILLA is not to be confused … Read More

KISS | Animalize

Jon Dunmore

Selling better, sounding worse… ISS’s 12th studio album was a platinum seller, with some very metal songs, but was not very appealing or enjoyable. A lot of it had to do with bees. Animalize continued the rise and rise of KISS in their non-makeup era; through all their adversity with not solidifying a lineup, not selling out arenas, and not … Read More

STREETS OF FIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Rock and Roll Fable Disable. Everything you know is fake. Everything you believe is wrong. STREETS OF FIRE taught me this. In one crushing swoop, everything I believed about the movie’s finale song, Dan Hartman’s I Can Dream About You, was shattered. Allow me to digress… The movie itself is an unsuccessful stab at cult musical-actioner, with comicbook visuals set … Read More

THE KARATE KID

Poffy The Cucumber

Wax On, Whacks Off. A bean stem moves to a new school in Los Angeles and proceeds to take regular beatings from the school bullies for sniffing around the head bully’s ex-girl. He takes karate lessons from that guy from HAPPY DAYS – karate not for philosophy or exercise or disciplinem but to beat up the bullies. Two wrongs make … Read More

PURPLE RAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Hendrix’s Purple Phoenix Writ Large. The soul of Hendrix – and then some. And then some more. Dearly beloved, I give you: Prince Rogers Nelson, passion bleeding every note, saturating every choreographed gesture, purple feather boa and avant garde guitar, high on the genius of esoteric creation… PURPLE RAIN, at the time of its release, was Prince’s THE SONG REMAINS … Read More

STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK

Poffy The Cucumber

The Search for Plot. The rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated. It was a fantastic climax, bringing tears to the eyes of Terrans and Vulcans alike, as Spock bad his final farewell through perspex, busting his Live Long and Prosper sign while face to face with his lifelong friend whom he could not touch, radiation eating at his … Read More

THE TERMINATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Rise of the Machine (i.e. Arnold). Arnold Schwarzenegger as a killing machine with no emotions, big guns belching, outlandish feats of body strength, delivering his lines in a sinister, robotic monotone – hang on, that could be any of his movies.But this movie made him what he is today. What, the Governor of California?… When THE TERMINATOR was released in … Read More

2010: ODYSSEY TWO

Poffy The Cucumber

A Midget in the Footsteps of Giants. No one said it would be easy. Following in the mythic footsteps of Stanley Kubrick and equally legendary Arthur C. Clarke. Maybe it was this inimitable pedigree that gave lowly Peter Hyams the impetus to craft such a reasonably watchable sequel to 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. A tension-filled space trek where we laugh … Read More