QUEEN | Made In Heaven

Poffy The Cucumber

One golden glance of what should be… Get me to sing anything, write me anything and I will sing it and I will leave you as much as I possibly can. — Freddie Mercury to Queen. or Don McLean, “the day the music died” was when Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper were killed in a 1959 plane … Read More

THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Brady Bunchless. It’s The Brady Bunch from the groovin’ 70s, transplanted into the grungy 90s. Plot lost. Actors shamed. Comedy dead. The Brady’s owe back taxes. They must pay $20,000 or they lose their house. It’s up to the kids to raise that money – by winning a singing competition. So let’s get this straight: the parents of the house … Read More

CASPER

Poffy The Cucumber

Ghostly Brio. He’s the friendliest ghost you know. No, not Patrick Swayze – Casper, The Friendly Ghost. Though grownups might / Look at him with fright / The children all love him so. After innumerable comics, television shows and theater shorts, Casper makes the spirited leap to full-length feature film in CASPER, a live-action adventure melded with excellent 3D animation. … Read More

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Crush-o, Kill-o, Dest-o-royah! Godzilla’s having a nuclear meltdown! GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH is the last of the Heisei series (that started with THE RETURN OF GODZILLA, 1984), and finds Godzilla battling a monster spawned from the weapon that killed the original Godzilla in 1954 – the Oxygen Destroyer! [dun dun daaah!] Subtitled “The Death Of Godzilla” (which should give you some … Read More

THE PROPHECY

Poffy The Cucumber

Angels In The Outhouse. Angel Gabriel comes to Earth to extract a soul and destroy heaven. Like the catholic religion, THE PROPHECY is confused as hell. A spine-shivering opening sequence: camera pans down on a lone figure standing over a charred skeleton – of what appears to be a human with wings, bird-like appendages scorched into the ochre stone ground. … Read More

GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Turtle Soup for the Soul. Once more for the next generation: Gamera Vs. Gaos! Moderno melodramo maximus! GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE, despite a few shortcomings in the effects department, is everything a science fiction thriller should be. This 1995 reboot of the Gamera franchise is filled with suspense, wracked with tension, epic soundtrack and captivating action, and boasts some … Read More

BAD BOYS

Poffy The Cucumber

When it’s bad being Bad. Geez, I hope no one confuses the sex appeal and street-kewl of these Hollywood-ized detectives with the misinformed rednecks that are real cops. Too late… BULLITT (1968), DIRTY HARRY (1971, four sequels), THE SUPER COPS (1974), BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984, two sequels), LETHAL WEAPON (1987, three sequels), COPS (1989 TV series, 27 seasons and still … Read More

THE NET

Poffy The Cucumber

The Future Is Then. Back in the days when having a computer was like having a teleporter, young hacker Angela Bennett (Sandra Bullock, who has a computer at her home and everything!) is sent a disk (wow! A floppy disk! This is like, too futuristic for me to handle!) with an illegal program on it that could allow access to … Read More

FATHER OF THE BRIDE PART II

Poffy The Cucumber

The sequel doesn’t fall far from the remake. Two pregnant chicks. Male demographic fleeing into the night, the repeated sounds of “yuk” and “eeurw” and “gimme a break” issuing like feculence into the slipstream of retreat. It was so easy to use someone else’s ideas to remake the 1950 film FATHER OF THE BRIDE that director-writer husband-wife team Charles Shyer … Read More

BRAVEHEART

Poffy The Cucumber

Mel gets medieval on our asses… When the Legend becomes fact, print the Legend. — from THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE. War is Mel. Reprising his MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME hairdo, donning a slimming skort, pumping up the man-ceps and dropping an accent that is either Scottish or some form of Indonesian elvish, Mel Gibson brings the thunder as … Read More

NINE MONTHS

Poffy The Cucumber

What a miscarriage! NINE MONTHS is about an expectant couple. To borrow a tagline from a Jeff Goldblum movie: Be afraid. Be very afraid. If the inanity doesn’t kill you, the stupidity will. NINE MONTHS opens with Samuel and Rebecca (Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore) on a beach, assessing their couplehood, Samuel deciding he is happy, Rebecca intimating she is … Read More

BATMAN FOREVER

Poffy The Cucumber

From Dark Knight to Boogie Knight. After Tim Burton gave us the brooding BATMAN (1989) and the dark-yet-kinda-silly BATMAN RETURNS, he relinquished the director’s chair to Joel Schumacher, who promptly made Batman fruitier than Adam West. In BATMAN FOREVER, the third installment of the modern Batman legacy, Val Kilmer is the fruit bat whom we cannot be sure is hero … Read More

THE CROSSING GUARD

Poffy The Cucumber

Redemption: always in the last place you look. What a brilliant little gem of a movie! An emotional wallop to the weeping nerve. And no wonder – written and directed by Sean Penn, the King Of Weeping (and I say that in all respect to his talent of doing it on cue), who shows a directorial hand in THE CROSSING … Read More

ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS

Poffy The Cucumber

When Nature Calls Through Its Arse. You either like Ace Ventura or you want to entrap him in a space capsule bound for the heart of the black hole at the center of the Milky Way. If you are of the latter persuasion, don’t read on. It will only prompt you to spend inordinate amounts of money on the space … Read More

SPECIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Darwin never looked so good. It’s ALIEN with a spectacular pair of natural knockers. Designed by H.R. Giger – the alien species, not the knockers – a half-human, half-alien life form called Sil (Natasha Henstridge in her human form) escapes from a SETI facility and goes on a rampage fucking everyone. In the Biblical sense. And then fucking them in … Read More

FRENCH KISS

Poffy The Cucumber

French Crass. When one is in love one begins by deceiving oneself, one ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls romance. — Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray.” Kate’s (Meg Ryan) love-of-her-life, Charlie (Timothy Hutton) travels to France, where he meets his love-of-his-life (Suzan Anbeh), and leaves Kate. Misbegotten, forlorn, neurotic, rudderless Kate pursues Charlie to … Read More

BILLY MADISON

Poffy The Cucumber

For Moron Eyes Only. Billy Madison is the type of mungo film experience that leaves one speechless on how a film of this lowbrow nature could ever have been greenlit. The answer, of course, is because that champion of dullards was involved – Adam Sandler, playing the eponymous Billy Madison with every ounce of talent the christian god forgot to … Read More

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

Poffy The Cucumber

A Romantic State of Union. “Romantic comedies” have long been relegated to the demeaning stable of Chick Flicks because their sophomoric bent allows them no breadth of intelligence or forays into behavior with balls – pussies browbeat men into behaving like pussies, whilst pulp novella situations play out in a world inhabited by pussified male models and Jennifer Lopez. Director … Read More

TOY STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Plastic Fantastic. Y’know, I always suspected my toys were coming to life when I wasn’t looking! In TOY STORY, young Andy’s toys lead lives of noisy desperation come every birthday and Christmas – no one wants to be one-upped by a new addition to the toy box. Led by Cowboy Woody (there’s a BROKEBACK joke just waiting to happen), Mr. … Read More

APOLLO 13

Poffy The Cucumber

The Greatest Successful Failure of all Time. O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon… — Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet.” As I watch Ron Howard‘s APOLLO 13, I smell that familiar kerosene funk in the air: solid rocket boosters firing, RP-1 propellant and liquid hydrogen surging, flux capacitor giga-watting – yes, it’s the Tom Hanks Oscar-Machine … Read More