GODZILLA VS. MEGAGUIRUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Where science and stupidity collide. Japan is sick of Godzilla. They want him dead once and for all, creating a black hole to shoot at him. From space. Yes, the new Millennium Godzilla looks great, but the idiocy is still the same. In a cold open, we see supposed news footage from 1954, showing Godzilla raiding Tokyo over narration about … Read More

THE PROPHECY 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Turning Cities to Salt, and Movies to Shit. Christopher Walken, former angel of death, returns in THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT and does nothing, except walk around with a spectacular mullet, wearing his pants a little too high. Oh, and he’s the Angel Gabriel, mystically powerful villain of two previous films. He’s the guy who could “turn cities to salt” … Read More

UNBREAKABLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Irresponsible Force meets Unbreakable Object. Quentin Tarantino provided the best logline for M. Night Shyamalan‘s UNBREAKABLE. In his characteristically compelling storytelling way, he puts it – even better than the actual ad campaign – “What if Superman was here on Earth and didn’t know he was Superman?” That’s UNBREAKABLE broken down. If there is, in fact, a “super” gene, it … Read More

28 DAYS

Poffy The Cucumber

Alco-bollocks Anonymous. Hey, Alcoholics, Do you really want to be portrayed this way? Not only having to go through the physical pain of withdrawal, the humiliation of prostrating yourself in front of snide voyeurs, the loss of income, respect and friendship, now you also have to endure 28 DAYS representing your rehabilitation as kindergarten for grownups with mental disorders. So, … Read More

X-MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Mutation Elation. They gave superheroes a new reason to be super. X-MEN is the sometimes brooding, sometimes kick-ass, mostly campy filmic incarnation of a Marvel Comics series that added a new dimension to “super” heroes. It doesn’t quite outline the first generation of Professor Xavier’s “X-Men” but it comes close enough to raise the hairs on our bushy berserker sideburns. … Read More

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Highway to the Ambivalent Zone. Exciting? Yes. Stupid? Impossibly. Super spy Ethan Hunt (an incredibly smug Tom Cruise) must stop villain Sean Ambrose (Dougray Scott) from spreading a genetically modified disease in Australia. Taking his cues from every reputable pharm corporation, Ambrose wants to spread the Chimera virus in order to sell the cure, called Bellerophon, buying enough stocks in … Read More

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

Poffy The Cucumber

In nomine Peckinpah, et spiritus Tarantino. In the name of the father – Peckinpah – and in the spirit of Tarantino. THE BOONDOCK SAINTS is like Sam and Quentin had a baby that hasn’t learned to walk yet. It’s a cult classic because it’s powerful and visceral: two Irish Boston prettyboys go vigilante vocation on the Russian mob, all broguey … Read More

DRACULA 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Bloody Hell! There is one very provocative idea in DRACULA 2000 – all the rest is crap. The crap goes like this: In 2000, Dracula comes to New Orleans seeking the daughter of Van Helsing. Bland action movie ensues. Only redeeming factor is that every chick is groin-achingly hot. The provocative idea is that Dracula is not a warrior impaler … Read More

CHICKEN RUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Eggs over easy. THE GREAT ESCAPE meets KFC. Creator Nick Park brings his WALLACE AND GROMIT stop-motion skills to the chicken coop, with CHICKEN RUN, a cutesy claymation adventure set in a British farmyard where a group of chickens are trying to escape Tweedy’s Farm, whose owner has just purchased a pie-making machine that makes… chicken pies! The chickens enlist … Read More

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Mister Moron. DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR? is to Ashton Kutcher what BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE is to Keanu Reeves – an inauspicious, downright idiotic introduction to the filmic world before taking over said world. (Kutcher’s character name is even phonetically like Theodore Logan Esquire – Jesse Montgomery III.) Numbnut Jesse (Kutcher) wakes after a drunken night with his … Read More

FREQUENCY

Poffy The Cucumber

Radio Da Da. And we thought BACK TO THE FUTURE covered all the angles of going back in time to change the present! Jim Caviezel is Jesus and Dennis Quaid his Heavenly Father, who speaks to him through a magical ham radio. Actually, Caviezel is a New York cop, his father a fireman who lost his life years ago. A … Read More

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

Poffy The Cucumber

Heroes for a Loser Class. If you’ve never done hard drugs before, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM will make sure you don’t. If you’ve puked your guts out over your bed, stayed unwashed for a month straight, and sold your mother’s TV for a fix, well, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM is like last Wednesday. To say Darren Aronofsky‘s unflinching mind-bender is … Read More

DANCER IN THE DARK

Poffy The Cucumber

A Director Dancing With Himself… Don’t know about you, but I always cringed when Dean Martin would start singing in those old Martin and Lewis comedies; and my flesh would crawl whenever Bing Crosby opened his puling puss during a hilarious Bob Hope movie. Nothing’s changed. It’s not that I don’t like musicals, or even musical numbers – hell, JESUS … Read More

GLADIATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Unleashing Helle. Truly GLADIATOR is the stuff of great fiction; a story so well-orchestrated and superbly told, there might well have been in Roman history a general who became a slave, a slave who became a gladiator, a gladiator who won an Oscar. But – as they used to say in ancient Rome – “only in Hollywood…” Russell Crowe is … Read More

RED PLANET

Poffy The Cucumber

Blue-Skying Salmon Sky. The OTHER Mission to Mars. In March 2000, Gary Sinise and Tim Robbins, under director Brian de Palma, went to Mars ignorantly. In November of that same year, Hollywood synergy (read as plagiarism) sends Val Kilmer, Carrie-Anne Moss and director Antony Hoffman to the same planet just as ignorantly, in RED PLANET. In 2050, Earth is such … Read More

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Poffy The Cucumber

Exotic Psychotic. About a yuppie serial killer who finds he is slowly going insane, not from killing people, but from the boredom of doing so. This comedy is not just black – it’s black with sprinkles on top and a human head on a spike. From the hilariously disturbing Bret Easton Ellis novel of the same name (screenstoried by Mary … Read More

LOVE AND SEX

Poffy The Cucumber

Aiming for mediocre – and succeeding. Adam (Jon Favreau) and Kate (Famke Janssen) mix it up as a couple for a while, having the titular LOVE AND SEX. Then they break up. While they each date other people, their feelings for each other resurface almost as much as they keep running into each other in social circles. They end up … Read More

MISSION TO MARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission To Farce. MISSION TO MARS stands every bit as tall as CAPRICORN ONE in the Ignorant Space Movie category, exhibiting so many misdemeanors, misrepresentations, misapplied physics laws, mistaken facts, missteps, mysterious logic, and misapprehension of spacefaring dialect that one wonders which second-grader took three months off school to helm it. Brian de Palma – the dark force behind 1983’s … Read More

CAST AWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

A Breath Of Fresh Island Air. Chuck Noland (plump Tom Hanks), inextricably married to his time-sensitive, nerve-fraying job as FedEx consultant, instead of to quietly-suffering fiancé Kelly (Helen Hunt), finds himself suddenly and unceremoniously negated from Civilization’s jetstream when a plane crash leaves him Stranded On A Desert Island. CAST AWAY seems to be nothing new: we’ve seen and heard … Read More

SPACE COWBOYS

Poffy The Cucumber

American Hero Sandwich. There is a rare breed of animal in the world, outside any established morality, divorced from mundane reality, mythically above many of its technically superior kin; that animal is – The Clint Eastwood Movie. Clint Eastwood is an American Hero. And Clint Eastwood Movies deal with the nature of Heroism. SPACE COWBOYS is a Clint Eastwood Movie, … Read More