BEERFEST

Poffy The Cucumber

Roaring, Rogering, Gorging and Puking… sign me up. It’s seven o’clock and I wanna rock Wanna get a belly full of beer… — Elton John, Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting). They’re not Monty Python… but they’re on their way. Broken Lizard’s BEERFEST (directed by team member, Jay Chandresakar) is a drunken, disorderly, swelling knob of a film, as quirkingly funny … Read More

THE PROPOSITION

Poffy The Cucumber

Brutal, Bloody, Beautiful. In 1800’s Australia, somewhere in the rugged skeleton colonies of New South Wales, police trooper Captain Stanley (Ray Winstone) puts this proposition to Charlie Burns (Guy Pearce, greasier and grimier than he was in THE HARD WORD, 2002 – if that’s even possible): Kill your older brother to save your younger from the noose. THE PROPOSITION is … Read More

IMAGINE ME AND YOU

Poffy The Cucumber

Love at First Dyke. He loves her, but she loves… her. Following on the heels of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (Sep 2005) and TRANSAMERICA (Dec 2005) comes this syrupy, thoughtless, fad-awful debacle of lesbian love, IMAGINE ME AND YOU (the moanful title congruent with the lack of imagination displayed in the movie). Rachel (Piper Perabo) is married to Heck (Matthew Goode, bringing … Read More

THE 9/11 COMMISSION REPORT

Poffy The Cucumber

History rewritten. And rewritten. And rewritten… We’ll never know The Truth about 9/11. And this shoddy movie proves it. I recently watched a YouTube report claiming there were no planes involved in the Twin Towers’ destruction; that all the news programs were supposedly provided with same-angle shots of the Towers from a mysterious source (probably the gubmint?), and in that … Read More

16 BLOCKS

Poffy The Cucumber

With Intent to Act… Has Bruce Willis been taking acting lessons? Rather than Just Another Tough Guy Infurio role, in 16 BLOCKS, Willis has put some nuanced daylight between himself and The John McClane. His detective Jack Mosley is haggard, worn-out, somber, morose, sporting a paunch (which looks suspiciously like a pillow), washing down meds with cheap whiskey, and so … Read More

THE FOUNTAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Doubtin’ The Fountain. Raving beauty, rabid camera angling and startlingly somber performances almost save this movie from its own convoluted and ambitious storyline spiraling down the artsy-fartsy toilet. The trailers for THE FOUNTAIN were extremely well done and conveyed the hero (Hugh Jackman) as traveling through time, pursuing his true love across the ages (Rachel Weisz) – then I watched … Read More

AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM

Poffy The Cucumber

American Dream-mare. Michael Moore wishes he could go this deep. Income tax is illegal. It’s not a radical battle cry – it’s the Constitution. Now that you can’t un-know that fact, life is going to get real scary… In the documentary AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM, film-maker Aaron Russo (producer behind THE ROSE and TRADING PLACES), goes on a quest to … Read More

THE U.S. VS JOHN LENNON

Poffy The Cucumber

Working Class Hero. David Leaf’s and John Scheinfeld’s THE U.S. VS. JOHN LENNON is an insular little diversion, showcasing Lennon’s post-Beatles period when his activist voice made the United States government tremble in its widdle booties. Taking a stand against the Viet Nam War (back in the day when “peacenik” was not a four-letter word), allying with activists Abbie Hoffman, … Read More

ACCEPTED

Poffy The Cucumber

Entirely Unacceptable. In the tiresome ACCEPTED, Justin Long is Bartleby Gaines, rejected from a series of reputable colleges. To appease his parents, he forges an acceptance letter to a fake college, and then finds he must create an actual campus to follow through with his ruse. So is born the South Harmon Institute of Technology (the sophomoric acronym S.H.I.T. used … Read More

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

While watching this movie, comparison between the mad past President of Uganda and the mad current President of America becomes unavoidable. This review somehow skews into that of full-blooded political rant somewhere east of crazy town, where Cheney and Rice enjoy peaceful Middle Eastern town strolls with John McCain in Kevlar vests. Apologies. – Poffy the Cucumber. Acid Reign. No … Read More

BABEL

Poffy The Cucumber

Babel-icious. Four stories about miscommunication intertwine, spanning continents, cultures, cityscapes and chicks without panties. BABEL is an exhausting, challenging movie, a masterpiece of construction from writer/director Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu; a tale of alienation amongst the throng, of chest-grabbing desperation and fear and isolation – emotionally defibrillating your brain. You come away from BABEL nauseous. That’s what makes it so rewarding. … Read More

CASINO ROYALE 2006

Poffy The Cucumber

Old Spy, New World, Tight Arse. It will always be a problem introducing the world to a new Bond. When Sean Connery was hired, it was a disaster because it wasn’t David Niven. – Barbara Broccoli. International espionage will never be the same. It is now certifiably MAN-HOT. Craig. Daniel Craig. Last seen in London baking a LAYER CAKE (2004) … Read More

TENACIOUS D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY

Poffy The Cucumber

Fueled by Rocket Sauce… oh, and Satan. To paraphrase Salieri from AMADEUS, “Displace one ‘fuck’ and there would be diminishment; displace one ‘suck my cock’ and the structure would fall.” Belched forth from Satan’s unholy vagina, the dynamo Jack Black and the cherubic Kyle Gass master-explode in TENACIOUS D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY, their foul-mouthed vernacular so integral to … Read More

GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS

Poffy The Cucumber

Gene Simmons: Family Jew. How the mighty have fallen. There are two ways to look at GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS – in one respect, this series shows us (in painful candor) Gene Simmons removed from the feathered hair and the fashionably-street jeans and leather jackets and the too-cool-for-school shades and everything that the sham wankerism of rock stands for. On … Read More

INVINCIBLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Vince-ible. …really wasn’t all that good a movie – but he looked hot in it. — my female friend. Pretty much sums up the Mark Wahlberg vehicle, INVINCIBLE. Written like a Runaway Cliché by Brad Gann and directed well by Ericson Core, INVINCIBLE is the usual “Inspired by a True Story” film that is itself geared to inspire. Grimace. Though … Read More

MONSTER HOUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Property Impropriety. MONSTER HOUSE takes urban legend ten steps frightfully further by making the neighborhood “haunted house” a real MONSTER. Young teen DJ (voiced by Mitchel Musso) and his portly pal, Chowder (Sam Lerner), find that the menacing house across the street is actually eating people, with tricycles and basketballs as chasers. Owned by sourpuss, Mr. Nebbercracker (Steve Buscemi – … Read More

CHILDREN OF MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Brave New Future Shocker. If there is a Best Badass Tough Guy Overcoat category, Clive Owen should sweep the field. In CHILDREN OF MEN, a refreshingly original drama, Owen pecks at a few fashion police warnings (jeans and cardigan, flip-flops, shoeless, office guy couture), but it is only when he dons that long, black overcoat that he actually gets something … Read More

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Devil wears Red, White and Blue. Kurosawa could not have done it better. Promethean director Clint Eastwood‘s LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA, followup to his daring FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS, is culturally, philosophically and artistically one of the great Japanese films. Made In America. Unlike FLAGS, this Iwo Jima tale has nothing to do with Joe Rosenthal‘s photograph, instead told … Read More

BLOOD DIAMOND

Poffy The Cucumber

A Rough in the Diamond. The greed of the human animal is such a compelling thing that even decrying that greed will only feed it. Such is the paradox facing Edward Zwick’s powerful BLOOD DIAMOND, a movie set in the west African country of Sierra Leone in 1999, when Revolutionary United Front rebels took over the nation’s capital, using diamonds … Read More

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dispiritying, Disheartenying, Distressying. THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS needs to take a Prozac. Relentlessly depressing, director Gabriele Muccino’s first English feature film is Inspired by a True Story – which only inspires nausea with their ubiquity these days – and though its intent is to be a “feel-good” movie, it goes awry in its execution, paying such sadistic detail to every … Read More