SAW IV

Poffy The Cucumber

Fourth Time’s the Harm. Jigsaw is dead. Lying naked on an autopsy slab. Skull being sawed open by morticians, brain being pried loose from its succulent base, ribcage spread wide, slippery organs removed (I’d love to know what surgeons think of this authentic-looking scene) – but wait! In his stomach – a micro-cassette tape! Not foreseeing that Radio Shack would … Read More

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Poffy The Cucumber

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 Zac Efron Corbin Bleu Vanessa Hudgens Lucas Grabeel Ashley Tisdale

Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical. There are three words to describe the songs in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2: Un. Bear. Able. And the word “musical” is in the actual title. False advertising. Did someone consult Satan on which tonal modes would cause mortals to retch like chemotherapy victims? Director Kenny Ortega and writer Peter Barsocchini did indeed. Upon researching the precursor … Read More

TIN MAN 2007

Poffy The Cucumber

Choking on the Yellow Thick Chode. Honestly, I don’t know how Zooey Deschanel continues to get work. In TIN MAN, a re-visioning of L. Frank Baum’s THE WIZARD OF OZ, Zooey is ersatz Dorothy, named DG (oh, that’s soo street-cred!), lost in the magical world of O.Z. (the Outer Zone – oooh! That’s even more street!), and aided by three … Read More

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL

Poffy The Cucumber

It’s a doll house – a DOLL HOUSE! Shy, reclusive Lars one day buys a Real Doll named Bianca, lavishes all the emotions of a real relationship on her – love, jealousy, impatience, happiness – and doesn’t have sex with her. In other words, he’s having a real relationship. Written by Nancy Oliver (SIX FEET UNDER), directed by Craig Gillespie … Read More

THE INVASION 2007

Poffy The Cucumber

Tight Skirt, Alien Cell, Big Bra. Kudos to Nicole Kidman’s plastic surgeon! What a job on her already perfect head! We are more than happy to pile derision on the stars and surgeons who botch their head jobs, but no one commends those stars and surgeons who produce dynamite results. In THE INVASION, yet another remake of INVASION OF THE … Read More

JACKASS 2.5

Poffy The Cucumber

See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much. Okay, at this stage, someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it. Knoxville (the “brains” behind JACKASS) and director Jeff Tremaine (JACKASS: THE MOVIE, JACKASS NUMBER … Read More

BLADES OF GLORY

Poffy The Cucumber

On thin ice. How much gayer can BLADES OF GLORY possibly be? Answer: None more gay. The words ‘Will Ferrell’ and ‘professional sports’ have no reason to be in the same sentence together. Somehow they keep happening. In BLADES OF GLORY, Ferrell is ice skating champion Chazz Michael Michaels, whose raunchy routines on the ice earned him the moniker “skating’s … Read More

JUNO

Poffy The Cucumber

Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin. I know that JUNO was a big hit with the pedophiles and sweaty-mouthed goons trying to catch a glimpse of sugartit, but I just have to get this off my flat green chest: Sorry Jason Reitman (director) and Diablo Cody (writer), but this movie doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Are you trying to purvey the underage pregnant … Read More

I THINK I LOVE MY WIFE

Poffy The Cucumber

I think I hate this movie. Chris Rock is a powerful force. I love the guy. But in I THINK I LOVE MY WIFE, this mighty black man looks mighty beige. Even in the lamest of his starring vehicles, Rock’s individual voice and common sense messages shine through. But the character he plays in LOVE MY WIFE is a wishy-washy … Read More

NEXT

Poffy The Cucumber

Next To Nothing. “Here’s the thing about the future,” Nic Cage tells us at the beginning of NEXT, “every time you look at it, it changes – because you looked at it. And that changes everything else.” Oh, so it’s Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. Only dumber. Cage is Cris Johnson, a Las Vegas mentalist who can see two minutes into his … Read More

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Totally not gay. Chuck (Adam Sandler) and Larry (Kevin James) are two straight firemen who pretend to be gay married partners for the sake of insurance benefits for Larry’s kids, that would otherwise be lost due to Larry being a widower. Roundabout way of arriving at a stupid premise, brought about by a law so stupid, you just want to … Read More

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS SEASON ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Ripping Musical Yarns from slightly to the right of Down Unda. FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS is Tenacious D without the raunch – but just as much a spank in the groin. That is, it will leave you breathless from laughing so hard (and you may have cracked a nut). Jemaine Clement (guitar/bass/vocals, Jagger-cool in his handsome ugliness) and Bret McKenzie … Read More

KICKIN IT OLD SCHOOL

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit Kicking. When people make movies this bad, do they attend their premieres? I really wanna know. How do they show their faces? I guess “comedies” like KICKIN IT OLD SCHOOL must appeal to some kind of illiterate unschooled trailer-trash drool-toothed dipsticks, otherwise somebody fellated some major pole to get this greenlighted. Was it the minimal “draw” of comedians Jamie … Read More

PAN’S LABYRINTH

Poffy The Cucumber

A wondrously grim fairy tale. PAN’S LABYRINTH is a fairy tale, but it’s not for kids. Ironically, the fairy tales that are for kids are as dark as this tale. Set in the lush woodlands of 1944 Spain, during the waning of WWII, young bookworm Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) and her pregnant mother (Ariadna Gil) move into an army barracks with … Read More

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS

Poffy The Cucumber

I’m going to take a Treasure Bath! For all its contrived clue-solving and annoying coincidences and tiresome car chases, and even Nicolas Cage‘s mourning face, NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS is a lot of fun. Maybe producer Jerry Bruckheimer had something to do with the fact we can hardly take a breath before the next relentless action sequence derived from … Read More

REIGN OVER ME

Poffy The Cucumber

When Sandler’s good, he’s very good. (Did I just say that?) The words Adam Sandler and Acting don’t fit together well. In Mike Binder’s drama REIGN OVER ME, they – ulp! – do. Sandler is Charlie Fineman, an ex-dentist suffering Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after his family died in one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center. He has … Read More

THE BACKWOODS

Poffy The Cucumber

Even in Spain, there’s a Deep South. Shades of STRAW DOGS and dabbles in DELIVERANCE, THE BACKWOODS is an exploration of deep south justice – in Spain. Two Brits with their European wives holiday in the backwoods of Spain; Paul and Isabel (Gary Oldman and Aitana Sánchez-Gijón), and Norman and Lucy (Paddy Considine and Virginie Ledoyen). The two men go … Read More

MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

Poffy The Cucumber

The Family that frays together… What do you get when you reunite two high maintenance sisters after years of not speaking to each other? Higher maintenance. Margot (Nicole Kidman) and her son, Claude (Zane Pais) travel from Manhattan to Long Island, to attend the wedding of Margot’s sister, Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh) to shiftless musician wannabe, Malcolm (Jack Black), whom … Read More

EASTERN PROMISES

Poffy The Cucumber

Broken Promises. Child prostitution rings! Russian mob wars! Blond American chick in mortal danger from Euro assassins! Heaven forfend! Not to worry – David Cronenberg’s EASTERN PROMISES has none of these. Oh, it promises all that and more in the breathless trailers, but when we examine Steven Knight’s screenplay, we realize something director Cronenberg does not – EASTERN PROMISES makes … Read More

SUPERBAD

Poffy The Cucumber

Superbad: The Quest for Piece. It’s juvenile. It’s simple. It’s stupid. But it’s so good, it’s SUPERBAD. For the Now Generation of nerds. The age-old tale of three underage dorks on a quest for alcohol and chicks in one eventful night, where life happens while they’re trying to live it. We’ve seen this all before (DAZED AND CONFUSED, 1993; THE … Read More