FAME 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

Lame. At the time of its release, the original FAME (1980) was out of my demographic – I was too young to appreciate the tribulations of 70’s high schoolers balancing schoolwork and performing arts and aiming for their fifteen minutes. In this tepid remake – now I’m too old to care. Kevin Tancharoen helms this rushed production that flits through … Read More

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THE INVENTION OF LYING

Poffy The Cucumber

More Invention Required. Something funny happened to Ricky Gervais on his way to becoming a film star: something funny stopped happening. THE INVENTION OF LYING starts as a fantastic original idea, fleshed into hilarious absurdity by Gervais, then slips in the puddle of Romantic Comedy – and you know what happens when you hit your brain on that pavement. In … Read More

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TERMINATOR SALVATION

Poffy The Cucumber

The Manchurian Candidator. For fuck’s sake, man, you’re amateur! — Christian Bale on the set of TERMINATOR SALVATION. That’s the best description *I* can think of for TERMINATOR SALVATION. What more could we expect from writers who penned the silly TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES and a director whose claim to fame is the CHARLIE’S ANGELS franchise? James Cameron … Read More

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AVATAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Electra Glide in Jungle Cat Blue. For the protection of the good, for destruction of evil, and for the establishment of righteousness, I come into being from age to age. — Lord Krishna, avatar of Vishnu, The Bhagavad-Gita. Forgive us our trespasses As we forgive those Who trespass against us… — Yeshua, avatar of Elohim, The Lord’s Prayer. Hubris. Conquest. … Read More

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FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS SEASON TWO

Poffy The Cucumber

The Conchords still Rock the Party. Can the frazzled lightning of FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS ever be re-captured in that bottle? In their second HBO season, Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, the eclectic musical parody duo Flight of The Conchords, return with a passion. And a lightning bottle. Second Season takes one full episode to take flight, starting out a … Read More

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X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Claws I Said So. What amazes about that boy Wolverine is that over a century of storied adventures, traveling the world, fighting numerous battles, through changing trends and technological advances, he manages to keep that same funky Astro Boy hairstyle. I’ve lost track of all the “authorized” Marvel Comics origin tales and “official” timelines of Wolverine/Logan, although I remember enough … Read More

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THIS IS IT

Poffy The Cucumber

Blood on the Dance Floor. I would like some way to disappear where people don’t see me anymore at some point. I don’t want to grow old. I never want to look in the mirror and see that. — Michael Jackson. Better than a concert, better than a front row seat, better than a faux-leather red jacket with lots of … Read More

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GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

Poffy The Cucumber

Ghost of Dickens Past turns in his grave. Many filmmakers still feel obligated to pay homage to the marriage and reproduction rituals of the mainstream culture. — Keay Davidson, Carl Sagan, A Life. Men, when you’re dragged by your fem-boss like the vagina-whipped pussy you’ve become, to see GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST, at least take solace in the film’s educative … Read More

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THE MAIDEN HEIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Passion of The Heist. A quaint little heist comedy, with a nifty romantic resolution, THE MAIDEN HEIST stars Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken and William H. Macy as security guards at a Boston art museum, so enamored with certain art pieces that when those pieces are sold to a European museum, they decide to steal the pieces for themselves and … Read More

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WHATEVER WORKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Whatever WHATEVER is, it works. Not exactly romantic comedy, not exactly drama, not exactly normal. After dabbling in Euro filmmaking that exposed another wondrous dimension of his filmmaking talents, Woody Allen is back in his native New York with a curmudgeon vengeance in WHATEVER WORKS. I’ve always thought of Larry David as a crunchier Woody Allen. As the star of … Read More

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THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

Rocking the remake rails. An organized gang of criminals led by Ryder (John Travolta) takes hostage a New York subway train, and train dispatcher Walter Garber (Denzel Washington) must talk them down. Brian Helgeland screenwrites and Tony Scott (TOP GUN, TRUE ROMANCE, MAN ON FIRE) directs this remake of the 1974 film of the same name, THE TAKING OF PELHAM … Read More

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THE PROPOSAL

Poffy The Cucumber

I Do. Not. A vanilla THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA meets an idiotic GREEN CARD. Did Sandra Bullock learn nothing from her 1995 movie WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING? Here she goes again, blatantly lying about her supposed boyfriend to her supposed boyfriend’s family, to cover an empty life of lovelessness. Predictable? Check. Funny? Check. Cute little white dog named Kevin? Check. … Read More

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ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS

Poffy The Cucumber

On its merry way to extinction… Part road movie, part dinosaur actioner, and fully gushing with family values, ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS is the third and most spectacular in the ICE AGE series – and probably the least interesting. If you’re not as tired of these characters as I am, you’ll enjoy Manny the Mammoth (Ray Romano), Sid … Read More

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THE SOLOIST

Poffy The Cucumber

Biting The Hand That Exploits You. When movies address the supposed nobility of humanity (a fiction created by humans) we’ve got to look past the uplifting orchestration to the deep background on what is actually being sold. With THE SOLOIST, we don’t have to look too deep. It’s the story of Los Angeles newspaper columnist Steve Lopez (Robert Downey Jr), … Read More

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TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

The PC-vs-Mac wars escalate. Well, what did you expect? If there is such a thing as “too many effects,” this movie has too many effects for TEN movies. Effects effects effects, for the love of God, effects. Just for the sake of effects. And then for the love of God, more effects. Stir. Vomit. Michael Bay directs TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF … Read More

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MONSTERS VS ALIENS

Poffy The Cucumber

Monstrous Alienation. MONSTERS VS ALIENS is a suitably giggly concept, well executed in 3D animation, well written, with funny characters and a straightforward storyline that kiddies will understand. Yet it fails for a fundamental reason – it advocates Guantánamo Bay! Whoa! Poffy’s gone insane! Comparing a kid’s cartoon to President Bush-Cheney’s war crimes. But think carefully now: As a human … Read More

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THE INFORMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Blonde on Blande. Billed as “the next Mickey Rourke movie” (after the award-winning THE WRESTLER, 2009, even though he filmed this prior to WRESTLER) and tagged as “Brad Renfro’s last screen appearance” (before his untimely death), and written by Bret Easton Ellis (AMERICAN PSYCHO, 2000), it is surprising what a box office failure THE INFORMERS was, going straight-to-DVD so fast … Read More

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OBSERVE AND REPORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Report: C+. OBSERVE AND REPORT doesn’t totally suck. But I can see how people might think it does. If star Seth Rogen‘s career escalates, it might even turn into a cult fave. If writer-director Jody Hill (THE FOOT FIST WAY, 2008) can fine-tune his meandering storytelling style in the future with a bigger hit, it will. This comedy is so … Read More

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PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Pants Not Normal Activity. Gonna get this PARANORMAL ACTIVITY party started by insulting “you people.” You People know who you are: believe in demons, astrology, gods, ghosts, angels, woobies… I make this distinction because this film’s impact on a non-superstitious cucumber is very different to its effect on You People, who take it for granted the events in this indie … Read More

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YEAR ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

The Year of Living Safely. Either Jack Black is being reined in with a poor script, squelched by a conventional director, or he’s just plain gettin’ too old for this shit. Maybe a combo-wombo of all three? YEAR ONE is a missed comedic opportunity, crying in the wilderness like Charlton Heston as Moses; a biblical comedy of pamphlet proportions. Black … Read More

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