JOHN CARTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Green Men. Barsoom. That’s what they should have called this movie. Barsoom – the name the Martian natives call their planet. Barsoom – the tale of a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes. (The fact that an hourglass-shaped princess is making Martian eyes … Read More

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GAME CHANGE

Poffy The Cucumber

The Rise and Fall of Stupid. The news is no longer meant to be important. It’s just entertainment. — Steve Schmidt, McCain-Palin senior advisor. I don’t think much of Julianne Moore as an actress. And I despise Sarah Palin as a politician and human being. But Julianne Moore playing Sarah Palin? Priceless! In the HBO movie, GAME CHANGE, Moore gives … Read More

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OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Follow the yellow slick road… An origin tale of how a sideshow charlatan becomes the Wizard of Oz, OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL is as wondrous and exciting as the film that inspired it, which means it is kaleidoscopically trippy and makes no sense. In 1905 sepia-toned Kansas, James Franco is carnival magician Oscar Diggs, a womanizing narcissist, swept away … Read More

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ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Cutting Bloody Political Comedy. ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER is a film about the blood-drinking creatures of the night, the hellish, undead demon-spawn that crave the annihilation of the human species – that’s right, it’s about Republicans. Ironic then, that the hunter of these bloodsuckers is none other than the most famous Republican, Abraham Lincoln – fighting to free the world … Read More

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LINCOLN

Poffy The Cucumber

When Republicans bore resemblance to the human species… A bunch of old, out-of-touch white guys babbling about slavery. The Republican Party hasn’t changed much. Well, back then, as the party of LINCOLN, they were trying to free the slaves; nowadays, they’re working to get them all back. My main question about this ambitious film is: With all the camera operators, … Read More

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THIS IS 40

Poffy The Cucumber

This is Soporific. Writer-director Judd Apatow’s “sorta sequel to KNOCKED UP” is sorta not as good as KNOCKED UP. THIS IS 40 shows us how boringly randomly arbitrarily mundane and unnecessarily complex life over 40 becomes. Like anyone under 40 will care, and like anyone over 40 will care less. Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann (Apatow’s real life wife) play … Read More

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WRATH OF THE TITANS

Poffy The Cucumber

Ungodly. The legend of Perseus continues in WRATH OF THE TITANS, with the kidnapping of Zeus, the treachery of Ares, the disintegration of Poseidon, and the slaying of the Titan Kronos, just like it says in all the Greek myths…. actually, not in any Greek myths; matter of fact, I’m wondering whether the filmmakers have read even one Greek myth … Read More

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THE IRON LADY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Mannish, The Myth, The Legend. The Soviets dubbed British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher “Iron Lady” as an insult. Now, in a swoon of reappropriation – like headbanger, jarhead, Dead-head, gay, Yankee, Obamacare – the epithet is reclaimed as a tribute. If you watch THE IRON LADY with no prior knowledge of Margaret Thatcher’s policies, don’t worry, you’ll leave the … Read More

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JACK REACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Reaching For Grate-ness. The name is from a series of books by author Jim Grant (pseudonym Lee Child); even so, casting Tom Cruise as a character called JACK REACHER is just asking for the inevitable gay gags, like Jack Reacharound. And what kind of epicness was Grant aiming for anyway? Did he want big chords every time someone said the … Read More

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THE EXPENDABLES 2

Poffy The Cucumber

This time it’s Poisonal! THE EXPENDABLES 2 finds the sinister Church (Bruce Willis) sending his obviously irreplaceable team The Expendables (led by Sylvester Stallone) on a mission into some war-torn country with rebels or something, to get something-something from a crashed plane for the purpose of something-something. It doesn’t matter. The Expendables complete this mission within ten minutes. Now they … Read More

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HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA

Poffy The Cucumber

Goolies Not Groovie. I really wanted to like HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA: an animated comedy with a cute concept (iconic screen monsters gathering at a resort set up by Dracula, far from the persecution of humans) and a simple boy-meets-girl story, featuring the talents of director Genndy Tartakovsky (the wild mind behind DEXTER’S LABORATORY and THE POWERPUFF GIRLS) and writer Robert Smigel … Read More

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THE WATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Don’t WATCH. THE WATCH  is supposedly a comedy. But it’s funny how no one’s laughing. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (the dynamic duo that brought us SUPERBAD and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS), this tale of four suburbanites who start a Neighborhood Watch group to catch a murderer, and discover they must defend the world against an extra-terrestrial invasion, seems to … Read More

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MAGIC MIKE

Poffy The Cucumber

Sweat, Flesh, Booze, Drugs, wife-swapping, dry humping, backstabbing… who wants breakfast? Don’t bullshit me! You came here to see Channing Tatum dance! You didn’t come to MAGIC MIKE to see the story of young loser Adam (Alex Pettyfer) who can’t hold a job to save his life, befriending stripper Magic Mike (Tater Tots Tatum), who smarms him a job at … Read More

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THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Poffy The Cucumber

A Hip New Reason for Tired Old Slayings. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is about four painfully pretty college kids (and one Shaggy) being slasher-slain by zombies at said cabin. Seen it all before, right? But there’s a twist: the cabin is a front for a religious cult, who are in the business of luring college kids to this technologically … Read More

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KILLING THEM SOFTLY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Capitalism of Killing. KILLING THEM SOFTLY opens with scarring sound design and disturbing images of debris-strewn streets, and then launches into the poetry of small time hood-speak. (Mobalogue? Gangsternacular?) Writer-director Andrew Dominik (ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES, 2007) approaches an excellence in his writing and direction that is the closest thing to Tarantino without actually lazily copying him, as this … Read More

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TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Trouble With The Script. Hold up a mirror to Brad Pitt’s MONEYBALL, you get Clint Eastwood’s TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE. MONEYBALL (2011) told us the best way to draft major league baseball players is to study their stats on a computer and not rely on the disdainful opinions of crotchety old men. TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE tells us that despite … Read More

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CLOUD ATLAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cloudy with a chance of Atlas. CLOUD ATLAS is six incredibly evocative movies mashed together to make one incredibly annoying one. It’s bolder than most movies, bigger than most, intelligent and well-produced, with epic sweep across past, present and future societies, with grandiose performances, seamless effects and what seems like a million hanging threads – until we realize CLOUD ATLAS is … Read More

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MR BLUE SKY: THE STORY OF JEFF LYNNE & ELO

Poffy The Cucumber

Into The Blue… MR BLUE SKY documents the career and works of singer, songwriter, producer, guitarist, vocalist, keyboardist, control freak, all-round nice guy, and (according to Paul McCartney) total twat – Jeff Lynne. Lynne has always been one of the most underrated musicians in the world, and one of the most unassuming. With this documentary from veteran musicologist Martyn Atkins, … Read More

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FLIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

A career ruined by alcohol, a movie ruined by Alcoholics Anonymous. FLIGHT opens with a tit, a drink, a smoke and a bump. This movie is gonna be… Absolutely Awesome! Whip Whitaker (Denzel Washington) wakes in a hotel room with a solid “9” (Nadine Velazquez), who nonchalantly goes about nakedly lighting a cig and finding her clothes. Whip answers his … Read More

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THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Another good character study cloaked in superhero duds. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN is the latest RE-imagining/ RE-boot/ RE-working of Spider-man canon. RE RE RE… Here’s my word for it – REally? Did we really need to sit through 40 minutes of another origin tale – again? In this very well-made movie, over half of it is wasted plying us with Spider-Man’s Same … Read More

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