SON OF GOD 2014

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Another reboot for the best-looking zombie in history. Someone, somewhere in the world, is seeing their first Jesus movie. Some 8-year-old, indoctrinated in Christian idiocy, is seeing for the first time those fantasy stories brought to life in this 2014 reboot of Christianity’s original superhero. Therefore, though there will be a multitude of followers/believers inspired by this film to Love … Read More

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DINOSAUR 13

Poffy The Cucumber

Queen of the Tyrant Lizards. A Tyrannosaur named Sue. A government doing the same thing. When paleontologist Peter Larson unearthed the most complete tyrannosaur skeleton in history in the South Dakota badlands in 1990, little did he know he was also uncovering the worst part of human nature. After the team of Peter, his brother Neal, Terry Wentz and Sue … Read More

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IF I STAY

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I thought I was out. But they pulled me back IN…. Chloe Grace Moretz stares at herself sleeping. I can think of worse ways to spend eternity. After a family car accident that puts her into a coma, 17-year-old Mia (Moretz) wanders the hospital as a ghost, wondering, IF I STAY… what’s in it for me? And that’s this movie … Read More

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LIFE ITSELF

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The 24-frames-per-second Life. He is the Soldier of Cinema… — Werner Herzog, filmmaker. LIFE ITSELF documents the storied life and tragic death of Roger Ebert (1942-2013, aged 70), the world’s most famous film critic. Roger Ebert excelled at something that everyone thinks they can do, but which no one did better. A staff writer and editor for various papers as … Read More

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TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2014

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Shelling to a new generation. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES have been around as a merchandising product forever! In a long list of TMNT comicbooks, cartoons and movies, this 2014 reboot is the latest iteration and definitely the turtliest. Four ninja mutant turtle teenagers (“Well, when you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous!”) must stop a bladed samurai criminal intent … Read More

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ROSEWATER

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And I Ran, Iran so far a-way. And Iran, I could-n’t get a-way… Boy, Iran sure can learn a thing or two about torture from America! Jon Stewart (THE DAILY SHOW) directs ROSEWATER, a stark recounting of the kidnapping, torture and release of Iranian-Canadian journalist Maziar Bahari in 2009. There never needs to be any reason behind political kidnapping and … Read More

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ROBOCOP 2014

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Being more Man than Machine? There’s an app for that… A cop transformed into a cyborg fights for control of his free will over the corporation that controls his unthinking, emotionless mind. Uh, so it’s about ALL cops then? No, only ones who behave like ROBOCOP. Oh, so it’s about ALL cops then?… 2028 Detroit. When Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) … Read More

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JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

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Bourne Impossible. If you’ve eye-rattled through the BOURNE movies (I know I have), and if you’ve eye-spied the modern MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies (I know I have), then maybe the time you’ve set aside to eye-glaze through JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT might be better spent polishing your screenplay or your knob (I know I have), as I’m sure you’ve seen all … Read More

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TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

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Extinction is just a Michael Bay away. And we thought the last three TRANSFORMERS movies were stupid. Stupidity, meet TRANFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION. Ironically, this movie just moves the franchise further toward its own extinction. While a rogue Decepticon works with the American military to wipe out the last of the Autobots, an inventor reactivates a hibernating Optimus Prime – … Read More

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HERCULES 2014

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GOOD-liness over GOD-liness. Well, at least he looks the part! Dwayne Johnson brings his extraordinary muscles and ordinary acting abilities to the role of Greek demigod HERCULES, as envisioned by tormented writer Steve Moore and thunderstorm artist Admira Wijaya (Radical Comics, 2009) and de-envisioned by novice screenwriters Ryan Condal and Evan Spiliotpoulos, and Michael Bay Lite director, Brett Ratner. HERCULES … Read More

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THE EXPENDABLES 3

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The Dependable Cliché-ables. Sylvester Stallone buys a book from amazon.com called 1001 Dependable Movie Clichés (and How To Utilize Them All In One Movie). Then he writes THE EXPENDABLES 3. DEPENDABLE CLICHÉ: Break an old team member out of jail. Barney Ross (Stallone), leader of the ragtag mercenary guerilla group The Expendables (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture and Terry … Read More

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THE NUT JOB

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Nutless. A group of woodland creatures tries to infiltrate a nut shop and heist its nuts for the winter after their supply in the park is accidentally blown up. Uncute, unlovable animal characters populate THE NUT JOB, an animated feature that aims for excitement, romance and danger and never pulls off any of it as successfully as the uncute unlovable … Read More

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THE MACHINE

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Too intelligent for its steel jugs. A female robot with artificial intelligence! In other words, a female. Dark and dispiriting, asking disturbing questions about mind and morality, THE MACHINE mirrors a synergy in motion pictures and techno-culture, intent on pinpointing what makes human beings human. The near future. No MAD MAX apocalypse yet, though leaning in that direction, if the … Read More

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SABOTAGE

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Tools Carrying Tools. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Breacher, head of a rogue DEA unit (Drug Enforcement Administration) that steals $10mil from a drug cartel, which is immediately stolen from them by unknown thieves. Whoops! SABOTAGE! Then one by one, his team starts getting murdered mysteriously. This would be a concern for us viewers – if it weren’t for Breacher’s team being … Read More

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EARTH TO ECHO

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What you can do with a stolen script and one shaky camera. Someone decided to blatantly rip off E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL and SUPER 8 – two excellent movies – and mash them together with a wobble-cam. Presto! The annoying shaky-cam experiment called EARTH TO ECHO: extraterrestrial alien trapped on Earth; hooks up with kids who help it avoid gubmint spooks … Read More

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BRICK MANSIONS

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Brick-headed, flat-footed, Paul Walkered. Here we go again. Another plodding American remake of a blast furnace European film. BRICK MANSIONS is from 2004’s BANLIEUE 13 (aka DISTRICT 13), a jet-paced French actioner that starred Parkour inventor David Belle, weaving his unique free-running abilities into the fabric of the gunmetal plot. BRICK MANSIONS stars Paul Walker, and it weaves his unique … Read More

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HIT TEAM

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When comedy beats us over the head and tells us to like it. Inept Max (Myles McLane) and efficient Ruthie (Emerald Robinson) are a HIT TEAM from Las Vegas, driving around Los Angeles in a minivan trying to make six kills in one day for their eccentric, showtune-warbling boss Michael (Douglas Macpherson). Things go awry, and Michael puts a hit … Read More

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SNOWPIERCER

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Noah’s Ark and Lang’s Metropolis on a Midnight Express. SNOWPIERCER will make you question your place in society, the innate class system that drives humankind, and the ultimate meaning of freedom. It will also make you question what the hell Chris Evans is doing actually Acting and not just flexing his bulge-ceps to score all-American hooers. Evans is Curtis, a … Read More

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3 DAYS TO KILL

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3 Days of Swill. Kevin Costner is suitably grizzled CIA agent Ethan Renner, suffering from a terrible case of Screenwriting Clichés: he’s got The Hollywood Cancer with 3 months to live and he’s got The Estranged Wife and  The Strong-Willed Teen Daughter whom he is Trying To Connect With while he’s on One Last Mission with 3 DAYS TO KILL. … Read More

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MONTY PYTHON: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING RATHER SIMILAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Monty Python – The Autumn Years. Their legs are grey, their ears are nulled, their eyes are old and bent. IT’S. Monty Python’s Flying Circus 2014. Oh, and one of them’s been dead for over 25 years like a very naughty boy. MONTY PYTHON: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING RATHER SIMILAR is a documentary by IMAGINE, a BBC TV series (Season … Read More

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