THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3: FINAL SEQUENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Three Shits To The Wind… You will vomit. Then you will call the censorship board demanding to know who the hell was asleep at their post to let such a deformed dungcastle slip through the decency filters of society. But enough about Rob Schneider movies. Let’s turn our attention to THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3. It’s almost as bad. Dare you … Read More

SPECTRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Same old Bond! What did you ex-spectre? James Bond 007 discovers the looming nemesis dogging his every move since he was in spy-nappies; the criminal organization for expensive suits and limited edition sportscars – SPECTRE! Daniel Craig, in his fourth outing as James Bond, looks old and makes me tired. French flamehair Léa Seydoux is Madeleine Swann, resident Bond Girl … Read More

SPOTLIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Pederast Priests and The Coverup That Rocked a Religion. What other business could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since forever, and you still keep your customers? — Bill Maher, REEL TIME, March 2013. If only the movie SPOTLIGHT was called BUSTING RAPIST PRIESTS, maybe it would be better served by its title. … Read More

SOAKED IN BLEACH

Poffy The Cucumber

Soaked in memoria. Was Kurt Cobain as depressed a clod as he made himself out to be? SOAKED IN BLEACH, a documentary investigating the apparent suicide of Nirvana’s driving force and the haphazard way the authorities handled the case, tells us he was not. In fact, compelling evidence from a private investigator points to Cobain’s death being a meticulously planned … Read More

HOME

Poffy The Cucumber

When the aliens do the deporting… A misfit extraterrestrial alien teams with a human youth to repel a hostile alien race from Earth — OR — Confused screenwriters Tom J. Astle and Matt Ember write a parable about aliens and humans working together to repel an alien invasion – even though the alien working with the human has just invaded … Read More

BEASTS OF NO NATION

Poffy The Cucumber

All Beasts, All Nations. By removing all politics and nationality from its lead character, BEASTS OF NO NATION allows us to see through the eyes of innocence the insanity of man against man for no apparent reason. During a raid on his African village, young Agu’s father and brothers are gunned down by – guerillas? – freedom fighters? – bad … Read More

KEITH RICHARDS: UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

The Smoothest Criminal. Nobody wants to get old – but they don’t wanna die young either. — Keith Richards. His face is the underside of a running shoe, his voice is weather-beaten phlegm, his fingers arthritic memories, smoke curling from a constantly-lit cigarette. So this is what Gollum is doing now? No wait, the guy in this documentary is Keith … Read More

STEVE JOBS

Poffy The Cucumber

Nerd against Geek in a battle to the Steve. STEVE JOBS is a savage attack dog of a movie. Like Steve Jobs. Each scene slams into us like shrapnel: overlapping intelligent dialogue, fever pitch arguments, soul-breaking philosophies, walk-and-talk business decisions, with flashbacks as savage as the writing, smash-cut into the smallest interstices, rather than drawn-out exposition. After viewing STEVE JOBS, … Read More

THE MARTIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Home Alone 6: Kevin on Mars. Well, he’s not really a Martian. He’s an Earthling. And he’s overstaying his visit on Mars without a Green Card. Stranded, with not enough supplies to survive until the next crew arrives, astronaut Mark Watley quips: “I’m gonna have to Science the shit out of this!” THE MARTIAN is a striking, intelligent film, from … Read More

THE LAZARUS EFFECT

Poffy The Cucumber

Dead on Arrival. THE LAZARUS EFFECT, about a team of scientists trying to bring people back from the dead, ironically loses its effect when the person brought back from the dead starts killing people. Talk about wasted opportunity! In the grand tradition of PET SEMATARY and FLATLINERS, documentarian David Gelb (on his first feature) directs a movie that thrums with … Read More

SICARIO

Poffy The Cucumber

When Right is Might, and Wrong is Hot Sauce. In the 21st Century, great corporations will bestride the Earth, replacing nations as the true creators of history, amassing powerful private armies to do their bidding. But in delicate situations, they need matters adjudicated on a single day… by a solitary man. — WAR, INC. (writers: Mark Leyner, Jeremy Pikser, John … Read More

BLACK MASS

Poffy The Cucumber

In the Name of da Fahder, da Son, and da Hollywood Spirit… The thing is… you’ve got the wrong Bad Guy. BLACK MASS is supposedly a tale about “the most violent criminal South Boston has ever known.” But when all the slogans say this, they’re looking at James “Whitey” Bulger. Even whilst adding that Bulger worked hand-in-glove with the corrupt … Read More

BLACK OR WHITE

Poffy The Cucumber

Kevin Or Costner. Kevin Costner’s best performance used to be A PERFECT WORLD (1993). That performance is bested, superseded – absolutely trounced – by his performance in BLACK OR WHITE. Let me add that everyone in this movie is exemplary, writer-director Mike Binder coaxing performances that soar like eagles; a white grandfather, recently widowed, fighting for custody of his bi-racial … Read More

COLIN QUINN: UNCONSTITUTIONAL

Poffy The Cucumber

Deconstructionist Instructionist. Standup comedian Colin Quinn flexes his brain bone – and incites Americans to flex theirs – in this refreshingly intelligent take on the U.S. constitution. Now all we need is for Congress to grow a brain and listen to him. UNCONSTITUTIONAL finds the Noo Yawk raconteur in his finest form. Ever. Always been a fan of Colin Quinn’s … Read More

AREA 51

Poffy The Cucumber

Some footage should just stay unfound… I… HATE hand-held camera movies! Makes me sick. Literally. I’m nauseous watching these idiot characters filming every single second of their narcissistic lives with Irritating Shaky Cam. A “found-footage” film, AREA 51 joins a growing list of Irritating Shaky Cam movies that RUIN – d’you hear me, filmmakers? – RUIN any story the film … Read More

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – ROGUE NATION

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission TomCruise-able. You know what the real Mission: Impossible is? Trying to get insurance for Tom Cruise. Oh, there is eventually a signature in blood on the dotted line, or this film would not be greenlit, but can any layman truly speculate what devil’s percentage of the box office these insurance companies are demanding in return – to insure a … Read More

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON

Poffy The Cucumber

Attitude Adjustaz. I don’t know anything about hip hop but I know this is special. — Interscope Records rep. Admittedly, rock and roll is my forte, though it might come as a surprise to many that I’ve done innumerable studio sessions with hip hop acts. Around 1992, I was tracking in a Hawthorne studio with rap group after rap group, … Read More

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

Poffy The Cucumber

Blammo Brigade finds Intelligence. Artificially. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON is not just your same ole blammo-fest with sugarbottom; merely the second movie in the AVENGERS franchise, ULTRON has moved leaps and bounds beyond its predecessor. Yes, there is blammo, but interspersed liberally with morally ambiguous characterization, tentative romance, quiet introspection, self-effacing humor and – that trend in modern plot devices … Read More

TED 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Teddy Fuxspin. That dirt-talkin’ beer-drinkin’ pot-smokin’ bad boy bear is back in TED 2 – badder, bolder, drunker and… seriouser? Seth MacFarlane makes the sequel to his R-rated TED (2012) even more R-rated. My biggest fear with this followup to the highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever was that the studio would castrate raconteur MacFarlane; that someone would wear him down with … Read More

CHRIS TUCKER LIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Falling Down While Standing Up. From his hometown of Atlanta Georgia, filmed at the 4,600-capacity Fox Theater in November 2014, Chris Tucker regales us with the type of comedy that would be heckled unforgivingly in smaller clubs. It’s CHRIS TUCKER LIVE. I think. Knowing that comics like Carlin and Hicks and Pryor existed, and knowing current voices like observational powerhouse … Read More