UNCUT GEMS

Poffy The Cucumber

A raw gem. I’ve got PTSD from watching UNCUT GEMS. Adam Sandler [phew]… acting – there, I said it! SNATCH meets PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE, in a film that showcases what a spectacular “Ac-Tor” Sandler could be when working with the right fiery script, the right marauding directors, and putting more of himself into it than just his right nut. But why … Read More

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ANTHONY JESELNIK: FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD

Poffy The Cucumber

Pagan Prophet. Dropping a baby – that’s just what he does. According to Anthony Jeselnik, he’s “never held a baby… to completion.” Directed by Marcus Raboy, shot in New York, FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD is Anthony Jeselnik’s second Netflix Standup Special, his fourth “album” of material. And he’s still twisting people’s panties into pretzels. Media itself has become so … Read More

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JOKER 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?… Joaquin Phoenix is unpredictable, funny, disturbing, and when you meet him, he might just kill you. In JOKER, he won the 2020 Oscar and Golden Globe for Best Actor… But was he really acting? JOKER, like STEPHEN KING’S IT, shows clowns for what they really are: insecure, unbalanced, traumatized sociopaths. Again, was Joaquin … Read More

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STAR WARS: EPISODE IX – THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Damage Control while Digging a Hole. The older we get, the farther away from STAR WARS we feel. Use the Force and go in young. And you’ll be fine. In the dark, a blue title card on black background: “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Then – fanfare! Stirring our deep innocence memory banks. That John … Read More

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IN THE TALL GRASS

Poffy The Cucumber

Mean Green. A couple hears a boy calling for help from a field of tall grass. They go in to help. And can’t come out. IN THE TALL GRASS is a throat-clutching, unrelenting thriller, based on a novella by Stephen King and his just-as-weird son, Joe Hill (whose name somehow sounds like a Stephen King pseudonym). Pregnant Becky (Laysla De … Read More

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AD ASTRA

Poffy The Cucumber

In AD ASTRA, Brad Pitt flexes all his other muscles. Brad Pitt saves the world (like WORLD WAR Z) while pondering the meaning of existence (like Tyler Durden), in transit from the Moon to Neptune (like we didn’t already know Brad Pitt was a heavenly body). AD ASTRA (“To The Stars”) turns an astronaut’s mission to save the Earth into … Read More

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THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More

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THE SILENCE 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Evolution Convolution. You speak. You die. A deaf girl and her family must survive a holocaust brought on by blind monsters that track their prey using sound alone. Didn’t they just make this movie and call it A QUIET PLACE? When TOMBSTONE (Dec 1993) is followed by WYATT EARP (Jun 1994), when DANTE’S PEAK (Feb 1997) is followed by VOLCANO … Read More

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SOUL TO KEEP

Poffy The Cucumber

Possessed by Mediocrity. After inheriting a rambling old country house from their grandpa, Josh (Tony Spitz) and sister Erin (Aurora Heimbach) invite a gaggle of their Millennial friends over for a par-tayyy. Grandpa “died in the lake; his body was never found…” And if you think that will yield further plot, you haven’t seen one of these barely-written modern kid-possession … Read More

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ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that takes us somewhere, yet goes nowhere. Quentin Tarantino once again brazenly rewrites history in his scintillating homage to La La Land of the 1960s, ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD. Hollywood 1969. Two tales intertwine – one, a tale of an actor and his stuntman, hustling for work in a business that has moved past their cowboy … Read More

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NIKKI GLASER: BANGIN’

Poffy The Cucumber

Doing the Schumer Shimmy. What a slut! I’m 12 minutes into Nikki Glaser’s standup Special and she is still talking about blowjobs. It stopped being funny around the 2nd minute. Nikki Glaser’s second standup Special, BANGIN’ (her first for Netflix), filmed at The Academy in Los Angeles, is 1 hour and 3 minutes of incessant chatter and zero content. I … Read More

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THE PERFECTION

Poffy The Cucumber

Classical music is torture. Lust, jealousy, lesbianism, diarrhea, rape, dismemberment, torture, body horror and classical cello. No wonder this movie is called THE PERFECTION. Perfection – it’s what young cellist Lizzie now has, under the tutelage of mentor Anton, from the prestigious Bachoff Institute. It’s what Charlotte once had, under the same tutor whom she left a decade ago, to … Read More

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DAVE CHAPPELLE: STICKS & STONES

Poffy The Cucumber

Breaking Bones. I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray But when I woke up this mornin’ could’ve sworn it was Judgment Day. The sky was all purple, there were people runnin’ everywhere Tryin’ to run from the destruction, you know I didn’t even care… — “1999,” Prince. Dave Chappelle calls the world a bunch … Read More

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YESTERDAY 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Scrambled Eggs. Imagine there’s no rom-coms… When a struggling musician wakes up in a world where The Beatles no longer exist – and he is the only one that remembers them – he cashes in by “writing” their songs and rising to superstardom. YESTERDAY takes many interesting turns, and one gigantic stupid one. Jack (Himesh Patel) is an instantly-likeable loser; … Read More

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WHEN THEY SEE US

Poffy The Cucumber

When They See Us… they still won’t give a fuck. WHEN THEY SEE US is a mini-series dramatization of the 1989 “Central Park Five” case, where five young boys were wrongfully convicted and incarcerated for the rape of a jogger in New York’s Central Park. In 2001, the real rapist confessed, precipitating the release of the Five, and their convictions … Read More

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AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW

Poffy The Cucumber

Fuck that bitch! Aziz Ansari, in his first standup Special since he was falsely accused of sexual assault on a date gone awry, should have opened his show with, “Fuck that bitch!” Because his comedy has been ruined by the accusation of that anonymous cunt! A year after the furor, he’s back on stage in AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW, but … Read More

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ROCKETMAN 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Tripping the Bitch Fantastic! It’s that floating thing. At the Troubadour. That’s what sells ROCKETMAN, a “musical fantasy” of Elton John’s rise to stardom. That metaphorical moment when time stops, and artist and crowd levitate in slow motion simpatico. It’s happened to me. And if you are a performer, it’s happened to you, once, twice, maybe three times in your … Read More

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GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

A retconned Godzilla for a short attention span fandom. A Scientist is reanimating monsters (nay, “titans”) from subterranean hibernation around the globe, to bring balance to Earth’s environment through their radioactivity. (Get it? They’re being “woke” in more ways than one.) A titan named Ghidorah makes all the others do his bidding, causing them to destroy rather than renew. Too … Read More

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CONVERSATIONS WITH A KILLER: THE TED BUNDY TAPES

Poffy The Cucumber

Extremely Wickedly Good. CONVERSATIONS WITH A KILLER: THE TED BUNDY TAPES is a well-produced documentary about the serial killer who was as pretty as the asses of the 20-year-old girls he sunk his teeth into. Too soon?… BUNDY TAPES wins on every level, because it is just that! Ted Bundy – the psychopath himself – speaking on cassette recordings made … Read More

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EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE

Poffy The Cucumber

Extremely Ripped, Shockingly Misguided and Pointless. EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE follows a short period in serial murderer Ted Bundy’s life, as told exclusively from his naïve girlfriend’s point of view. Meaning it tells us nothing. And the movie follows that old gambit of casting a lovable star in the role of a heinous human being (a la Brolin … Read More

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