The Horror of Being Human. The scariest thing in this movie is Helen Hunt’s face. Hunt is Jackie, married to Detective Harper (Jon Tenney), with a teen son Connor (Judah Lewis). And she’s just had an affair that has driven her family apart irreconcilably. And something supernatural is going on in her house. I SEE YOU starts as a generic … Read More
THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA
Breaking Dumb. THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA is not one of those horror movies where the first Act is ominous and it falls apart as it reels toward a dumb climax; no, this movie breaks dumb from its opening frames, with the very event that defines its curse – in 1673, a Mexican mother drowns her two children, after discovering … Read More
SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME
Not Tingling. After Tony Stark’s death (in AVENGERS: ENDGAME – c’mon, where you been?), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) bequeaths Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Tom Holland) the command of all Stark’s tech, via a pair of magic sunglasses. Five minutes later, Parker relinquishes his superhero status to chase after panty (the SUPERMAN II syndrome), and hands over the glasses to interdimensional stranger … Read More
REPLICAS
Movie clone of a clone movie. So it’s not cool enough to call them “clones” anymore? Now we call them REPLICAS. Keanu Reeves fulfils the role of mad scientist in this modern FRANKENSTEIN meets PET SEMATARY tale, where he tragically reconstructs his dead family after a fatal accident. We meet bio-engineer William Foster (Reeves), as he and his team try … Read More
6 UNDERGROUND
Deadpool Times Six. Ryan Reynolds leads six black-ops vigilantes in removing a dictator and installing his democratic brother in the fictional country of Turgistan (resembling Armenia or Persia, one of those places where the food is great but the religion sucks balls). Not exactly a democratic process though, is it? Oh, that’s right – it’s American democracy. He’s not empowered … Read More
UNCUT GEMS
A raw gem. I’ve got PTSD from watching UNCUT GEMS. Adam Sandler [phew]… acting – there, I said it! SNATCH meets PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE, in a film that showcases what a spectacular “Ac-Tor” Sandler could be when working with the right fiery script, the right marauding directors, and putting more of himself into it than just his right nut. But why … Read More
ANTHONY JESELNIK: FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD
Pagan Prophet. Dropping a baby – that’s just what he does. According to Anthony Jeselnik, he’s “never held a baby… to completion.” Directed by Marcus Raboy, shot in New York, FIRE IN THE MATERNITY WARD is Anthony Jeselnik’s second Netflix Standup Special, his fourth “album” of material. And he’s still twisting people’s panties into pretzels. Media itself has become so … Read More
JOKER 2019
Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?… Joaquin Phoenix is unpredictable, funny, disturbing, and when you meet him, he might just kill you. In JOKER, he won the 2020 Oscar and Golden Globe for Best Actor… But was he really acting? JOKER, like STEPHEN KING’S IT, shows clowns for what they really are: insecure, unbalanced, traumatized sociopaths. Again, was Joaquin … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE IX – THE RISE OF SKYWALKER
Damage Control while Digging a Hole. The older we get, the farther away from STAR WARS we feel. Use the Force and go in young. And you’ll be fine. In the dark, a blue title card on black background: “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Then – fanfare! Stirring our deep innocence memory banks. That John … Read More
IN THE TALL GRASS
Mean Green. A couple hears a boy calling for help from a field of tall grass. They go in to help. And can’t come out. IN THE TALL GRASS is a throat-clutching, unrelenting thriller, based on a novella by Stephen King and his just-as-weird son, Joe Hill (whose name somehow sounds like a Stephen King pseudonym). Pregnant Becky (Laysla De … Read More
AD ASTRA
In AD ASTRA, Brad Pitt flexes all his other muscles. Brad Pitt saves the world (like WORLD WAR Z) while pondering the meaning of existence (like Tyler Durden), in transit from the Moon to Neptune (like we didn’t already know Brad Pitt was a heavenly body). AD ASTRA (“To The Stars”) turns an astronaut’s mission to save the Earth into … Read More
THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT
Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More
THE SILENCE 2019
Evolution Convolution. You speak. You die. A deaf girl and her family must survive a holocaust brought on by blind monsters that track their prey using sound alone. Didn’t they just make this movie and call it A QUIET PLACE? When TOMBSTONE (Dec 1993) is followed by WYATT EARP (Jun 1994), when DANTE’S PEAK (Feb 1997) is followed by VOLCANO … Read More
SOUL TO KEEP
Possessed by Mediocrity. After inheriting a rambling old country house from their grandpa, Josh (Tony Spitz) and sister Erin (Aurora Heimbach) invite a gaggle of their Millennial friends over for a par-tayyy. Grandpa “died in the lake; his body was never found…” And if you think that will yield further plot, you haven’t seen one of these barely-written modern kid-possession … Read More
ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD
A film that takes us somewhere, yet goes nowhere. Quentin Tarantino once again brazenly rewrites history in his scintillating homage to La La Land of the 1960s, ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD. Hollywood 1969. Two tales intertwine – one, a tale of an actor and his stuntman, hustling for work in a business that has moved past their cowboy … Read More
NIKKI GLASER: BANGIN’
Doing the Schumer Shimmy. What a slut! I’m 12 minutes into Nikki Glaser’s standup Special and she is still talking about blowjobs. It stopped being funny around the 2nd minute. Nikki Glaser’s second standup Special, BANGIN’ (her first for Netflix), filmed at The Academy in Los Angeles, is 1 hour and 3 minutes of incessant chatter and zero content. I … Read More
THE PERFECTION
Classical music is torture. Lust, jealousy, lesbianism, diarrhea, rape, dismemberment, torture, body horror and classical cello. No wonder this movie is called THE PERFECTION. Perfection – it’s what young cellist Lizzie now has, under the tutelage of mentor Anton, from the prestigious Bachoff Institute. It’s what Charlotte once had, under the same tutor whom she left a decade ago, to … Read More
DAVE CHAPPELLE: STICKS & STONES
Breaking Bones. I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray But when I woke up this mornin’ could’ve sworn it was Judgment Day. The sky was all purple, there were people runnin’ everywhere Tryin’ to run from the destruction, you know I didn’t even care… — “1999,” Prince. Dave Chappelle calls the world a bunch … Read More
YESTERDAY 2019
Scrambled Eggs. Imagine there’s no rom-coms… When a struggling musician wakes up in a world where The Beatles no longer exist – and he is the only one that remembers them – he cashes in by “writing” their songs and rising to superstardom. YESTERDAY takes many interesting turns, and one gigantic stupid one. Jack (Himesh Patel) is an instantly-likeable loser; … Read More
WHEN THEY SEE US
When They See Us… they still won’t give a fuck. WHEN THEY SEE US is a mini-series dramatization of the 1989 “Central Park Five” case, where five young boys were wrongfully convicted and incarcerated for the rape of a jogger in New York’s Central Park. In 2001, the real rapist confessed, precipitating the release of the Five, and their convictions … Read More
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