BLACK ADAM

Poffy The Cucumber

So much potential, so little Fate… HENRY CAVILL IS BACK! No, wait – aw shit! – he’s gone again… Black Adam awakens from a 5000-year slumber. And only James Bond can sing him back to sleep. Born from the same magic as Captain Marvel (i.e. by pronouncing the word “SHAZAM!”), ancient protector Teth-Adam (Dwayne Johnson) is awakened by archaeologist Adrianna … Read More

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ELVIS 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

Elvis: The Man, The Legend, The Manager? Baz Luhrmann’s ELVIS crams the rise and fall of rock ‘n roll legend Elvis Presley into a questionable biopic – because it’s told from the POV of his manager! Tom Hanks (under obese makeup) plays Colonel Tom Parker, the enigmatic manager who shepherded Elvis into the stratosphere, in an astounding performance only slightly … Read More

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MOONFALL 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

…and we thought ARMAGEDDON was devoid of science. MOONFALL is Roland Emmerich’s latest disaster– I mean, disaster movie. The Moon de-orbits toward Earth, and only a conspiracy theorist can save the day! Thanks for giving conspiracy asshats a platform, Roland! John Bradley is the conspiracy nut, KC, whose wildest theories about the Moon being a megastructure built by aliens are … Read More

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NOPE 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

Probing your mind, not your anus. A renowned horse trainer and his sister experience strange happenings on their farm. They soon discover the horses are being spooked by something Not Of Planet Earth. Writer-director Jordan Peele subverts our expectations with such an original story in NOPE that it catches us off-guard. Yes, there is something extra-terrestrial prancing around in the … Read More

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DIO: DREAMERS NEVER DIE

Poffy The Cucumber

A Dark In The Rainbow. I could have been a dreamer / I could have been the one to fly / I always could have been a dreamer / ‘Cause dreamers never die, no!… — Dio, I Could Have Been A Dreamer (Album: Dream Evil) He saved Ritchie Blackmore, then he saved Black Sabbath, which propelled him into his own … Read More

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WILL SLAPS CHRIS | The REAL Reason Will Smith Ruined His Career

Poffy The Cucumber

The Oscar Performance After The Oscar Performance ill Smith maintains that he slapped Chris Rock because he was “defending his wife’s honor.” From a comedian who was not attacking her honor. Merely joking about the movie GI JANE in relation to Jada’s bald head. Oh, but Jada has alopecia, which is hair-loss, narcissistically posting on every social media platform that … Read More

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LAST SEEN ALIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Goes from Very Real to Somewhat Hollywood. A movie where the lead character does everything that YOU would do in a dire situation – at least in the first two acts, before he must bow to Action Movie Protocol and shoot the bad guys, rescue the girl and take down a redneck meth lab all by himself… LAST SEEN ALIVE … Read More

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THE BATMAN 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

  Knight’s in Black Battin’. A young Batman, in his second year of fighting crime, feels futility mounting in his quest to rid Gotham of corruption. When he is enlisted to help Lieutenant Jim Gordon against a terrorist known as The Riddler who is killing politicians, he begins to question how high up the corruption goes, and is confronted with … Read More

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FATHER OF THE BRIDE 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

Latin remake for a new audience… of rich white people. I love Andy Garcia. I’d watch him in any piece of crap. Even crap like FATHER OF THE BRIDE, the 2022 Latin remake of Steve Martin’s 1991 upper middle-class remake of the 1950 Spencer Tracy white privilege classic. The story (written by Matt Lopez, THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE 2010) might have … Read More

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THE ADAM PROJECT

Poffy The Cucumber

For the Love of Adam. Never have I cried so much at a time travel film, especially one loaded with this many Hollywood tropes. THE ADAM PROJECT is pretty straightforward in its first two acts, about a pilot from the future who lands in 2022 and enlists the aid of his 12-year-old self to time-travel further back in time to … Read More

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