Giant Lizard and Big Ape against Big Lizard and Giant Ape. GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE is another Monsterverse CGI glutfest that removes all gravitas, fear and nobility from the titular creatures and replaces it – with punchaboo. Remember KONG: SKULL ISLAND? Where’s that enraged beast that brooked no interaction or interference from humankind? Remember 2014’s GODZILLA? Where’s that … Read More
AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM
Aquaman and the Lost Art of Moviemaking. AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM finds Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) seeking to destroy the world with the aid of a black trident owned by a phantom king from a lost undersea kingdom. As a side-dish, Manta wants revenge on Aquaman (Jason Momoa) for killing his father. Aquaman saves the day with his … Read More
GODZILLA MINUS ONE
Godzilla Minus Heft. GODZILLA MINUS ONE opens with Japanese kamikaze pilot Koichi (Ryunosuke Kamiki) landing his fighter aircraft at a repair station on Odo Island, reporting the plane as faulty. Godzilla aficionados go nuts. Odo is, of course, where Godzilla was first sighted in the very first GOJIRA (1954). It is 1945, the end of World War II, and the … Read More
THE FLASH 2023
Jackass and Jackassier. Flash uses his super-speed to time-travel into the past to stop his mother’s murder. And meets his younger self. And discovers he’s a jackass. THE FLASH is a surprisingly touching film about the love between a son and his mother; a poignant theme which is subsumed by the bombast of the perfunctory CGI and obligatory juvenile gags … Read More
WONDER WOMAN 1984
Women be Equal… in Objectifying Men. WONDER WOMAN 1984, the sequel to 2017’s lauded, woman-empowering WONDER WOMAN, forgets how to ‘human,’ let alone empower women. The movie opens on Barbara (Kristen Wiig), a shapely office blonde, who drops to all fours to pick up papers she just fumbled, and three guys walk past her without a second glance – because … Read More
COCAINE BEAR
Cocaine is a helluva pic-a-nic basket! Black bear. White powder. Black comedy. When a drug runner dumps his airplane cargo of cocaine bricks over a Georgia forest, a black bear ingests some, and becomes as obsessed with finding more blow as Yogi Bear in his quest for pic-a-nic baskets. Only more junkie. As he finds more bricks and eats them, … Read More
CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE
Tits and Guns and Blood and Tits. Jason Statham‘s big-dick energy once again sees him running rampage in Los Angeles streets, mowing down gangsters, and getting laid in public. This movie’s predecessor, CRANK (2006) followed hitman Chev Chelios (Statham) after he was injected with a drug that would kill him if his adrenalin dropped below a certain level. Think SPEED … Read More
BLACK ADAM
So much potential, so little Fate… HENRY CAVILL IS BACK! No, wait – aw shit! – he’s gone again… Black Adam awakens from a 5000-year slumber. And only James Bond can sing him back to sleep. Born from the same magic as Captain Marvel (i.e. by pronouncing the word “SHAZAM!”), ancient protector Teth-Adam (Dwayne Johnson) is awakened by archaeologist Adrianna … Read More
65
Kylo Ren: Before The Dark Side. 65 million years ago, Kylo Ren crash-lands on Earth the day before the asteroid hits. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, exuding Keanu energy, leaves his home planet Somaris on an interstellar mission that would separate him from his ailing daughter (Chloe … Read More
THE NEXT KARATE KID
A Karate Kid for Girls. Oh, but definitely for Mens. Miyagi helps a troubled teen by teaching her karate – she’s got two humungous assets that Daniel-san could never have: a pet hawk, and acting talent. Oh, and for all you Men of Culture – she’s got those too. Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki “Pat” Morita) travels to Boston for the funeral … Read More
THE KARATE KID PART III
A Spock Chop to the Stupid Nerve. THE KARATE KID PART III finds Daniel LaRusso conned into competing in a karate tournament, with a savage opponent who is no match for Daniel’s stunning mediocrity. Daniel-san (Ralph Macchio) and Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) return to LA from Japan, and proceed with their boring life in Reseda, Miyagi convincing Daniel not to … Read More
THE KARATE KID PART II
When Acting Happen, No Be There… The doofus and his master travel to Japan, where they will encounter another karate master who wants them dead, another karate student who wants to maim Doofus, and another girl who falls for the willowy Doofus even through his atrocious acting, in the continuing adventures of THE KARATE KID PART II. Back in the … Read More
THE HIGHWAYMEN
Cry Havoc and Let Slip the Lawdogs. Kevin Costner and Woody Harrelson are THE HIGHWAYMEN, two old detectives past their prime, hired by the Texas Governor to join a manhunt – for Bonnie and Clyde. Ah, connection to popular culture! But this ain’t your granddaddy’s BONNIE AND CLYDE from 1967 with sexy Faye Dunaway and sexier Warren Beatty – we’re … Read More
GALGAMETH
Vanilla Godzilla. The North Korean movie PULGASARI, though it featured a giant monster, was a parable about a weapon of mass destruction turning on its creators. GALGAMETH, though a remake of PULGASARI, is a low-budget, straight-to-video, badly-acted and -scripted kiddie movie about a giant monster that restores its teen master to his rightful throne as King Douchebag. PULGASARI, for all … Read More
AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER
The Way of Resting On Laurels, Bro. James Cameron’s AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER, like its predecessor, AVATAR (2009), will leave you agape at the superbly realized world it envelops you in; will leave you stunned at the scintillating imagination running wild on the silver screen, and yet will have you scratching your head at the lazy screenwriting and banal … Read More
TOP GUN: MAVERICK
Highway To The Ager Zone. Exciting? CHECK. Emotional? CHECK. Goddamit, I really wanted to make gay jokes about this movie! But TOP GUN: MAVERICK, even with its hokey premise and neanderthal plot, really is an exciting cinematic engulfment, tearing us headlong into azure space with those magnificent men (and women now too!) in their flying machines. Ace fighter pilot from … Read More
STAR TREK: BEYOND
Going where everyone has gone before.. A former Starship captain-turned-alien tries to reignite interstellar conflict between humans and aliens. It gets Kirk off his bored ass, into action posedown mode. STAR TREK: BEYOND doesn’t seem to know what to do with itself, much like Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine); after 966 days in space, he’s feeling jaded fulfilling the … Read More
PULGASARI
GODZILLA meets BRAVEHEART in a battle to the Kim Jong-il. Downtrodden villagers in feudal Korea are aided by a giant magical beast called PULGASARI that feeds on iron, and, through its appetite for swords and spears and cannon, helps them overthrow the tyrant king. However, Pulgasari continues to consume iron, eating the villagers out of their farms and livelihoods, in … Read More
ESCAPE PLAN
Rocky and Terminator: Retirement Plan. A man who analyzes prison weaknesses by escaping from them is imprisoned in one of his own creations by people who want him disappeared. Now he’s gotta do it for reals! Former rivals, now old pals, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up in ESCAPE PLAN, a brawling actioner that never strays too far from … Read More
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL
Casper The Frenzied Ghost. The one with the Burj Khalifa. By this fourth MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE film, all the adventures are jumbled together in our heads; the only way to tell them apart is by each film’s stunts. 1996’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE had the fish tank restaurant, the suspension gag and the helicopter-bullet-train climax; II had free-climbing, bike stunts and the knife-to-the-eye … Read More